The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I shoveled the driveway this morning I struggled to keep out of the thinking that brings resentment. My A always did that chore and taking out the garbage. Last night he played on his computer as I did the dishes, laundry and prepared for work this morning. I have much to prepare being self employed and due to my insurance for my clients, can't go without the walk shoveled. I have to have clean dishes for them, food for them to eat and a clean work area.
He used to do the shopping, but I took over the money so I don't have to be in a poor position anymore financially. I do the shopping now. I tried to think that if he wasn't here, I would have to do it all myself so what does it matter. If I am making him the focus it does matter.
After a few minutes I process the fact that he is good to our son, spends time with him, baths him and takes him to school. If he was not in the picture the load on me would be great with the loss of dad for our son, the loss each child feels out of divorce. Our sons loss I already know from experience would be significant. Do I want to feel that kind of emotional burden for our son, for myself. I certainly don't.
I am not taking on the load for my A, but for me and our child. I start to be thankful for the time with my HP while I am shoveling the walk. I am grateful our son has his father and things have not progressed where he can't have him. I am grateful I can feel a sense of accomplishment when I wake today, that I can feel happy things are done.
I accept this load for today, maybe for tomorrow I'm not sure. For today things are okay. Maybe this load won't remain. Maybe my program and how much resentment it has removed will make a difference. Even if it doesn't make a difference in him, it has in me and that is what really matters.
I think I need to start journaling more as writing things out seems to be of aid to me. Don't want to bombard you all. :)
It always seems good to think things out and be clear about why you're making choices.
It might also be helpful sometimes to think about what your relationship is modeling about what your son should do if he grows up and starts dating an alcoholic. Or what man/woman relationships look like.
Lack of resentment seems always good. I was resenting my A (now separated) for leaving me with 98% of the work of raising our son, but I realized, like you, that of course I'm not doing it for my A, I'm doing it for our son. I don't quite know how not to convey the message, "If you drink someone will pick up all the pieces for you," though.
Awesome....Just for today I will be grateful. I will not focus so much on what I have not been given but be thankful for all the gifts around me which I might not present need for. That's the idea isn't it? What a great use of a snow shovel Clep....thanks. ((((hugs))))
I certainly took on the full load for a long long time. Leaving or choosing to leave an A is not an easy task. For many of us staying seems like the only option at the time. One of the reasons I loved al anon was that there was no mandate to leave that minute. I do not know if you have Getting them Sober but I highly recommend that book for working on changing the attitude. I saw only resentment for years with the now ex A. I can still go there around alcoholics and addicts I deal with. I can subsume myself in all kinds of resentment. At one point the ex A was functional, over the years the disease took him. He could only think of using by the time I left him. Every penny he made went towards that. He lived a life of absolute fantasy.
Unhooking from al that garbage took me years. I was here three or more years before I could make a plan be. I separated out my finances, my things, my goals and more. I had no idea I was actually doing that but I did over time. My reliance on him shifted to a reliance on al anon. I stopped being focused entirely on what he did not do. I focused on what I could do.
The now ex A could spend weeks, months, years playing computer games, locked in a room. He could barely make to the bathroom as he was so addicted. I had times when I broke the door down with a pick axe and of course was labeled the crazy one. Eventually I got to a time where I no longer objected. I came to an acceptance about it.
