How do you explain your A's drinking to your children when your A is in denial? - Al-Anon Family Group

Angeliki · Member

How do you explain your A's drinking to your children when your A is in denial?

clep · Senior Member

How wonderful that your son is so young, and you have the ability to start the teaching at such a young age.

For me the greatest thing I felt I could do for my son was to model the behaviors I wanted him to have and teach him how to deal with Alcoholism.

I had to learn it myself first though so I went to Al-anon and became a sponge. That helped immensely to be able to aid him.

I also purchased some books on Alcoholism for children. Amazon has a great selection, and I really liked the one called "My dad loves me, my dad has a disease" or something close to that.

It helped so much. I used my program to aid me in deciding how much and when to tell my son about his dads addiction.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This what makes one day at a time very good for us.

Over time when your little one asks, or something comes up you will be mature enough with Al Anon tools to know what to say.

I can tell you, the way you act towards the A, how you talk how you are, your child will see this and learn from YOU. I promise you that.

so the more skills you gain he will see how healthy you are no matter how dad is. Children know things without being told.

He will know daddy has a disease, one that makes him want to drink. But it is NOT the kids problem, he does not cause it nor can he control it. It has to be like you, none of his business, not your issue.

BUT with that is teaching protection. You will know when to not allow A to have child when driving, or leave him alone with him.

Situations are all different.

I made my A go completely away when my kids were about 5 and 6 I think it was. We had tried to live together, but I moved out. he came to where we lived and thru a rage. I got an RO and ten years went by before we saw him. ten or so.

Myself I would never, ever have kids around an A. That is ME. I just could not do it.
It almost killed me twice. I will not have my animals around an A either.

This is MY experience. You will know when you know hon. You are wise to educate yourself and ask alllll the questions you want. It helps us too!

I am sad you are where you are. I mean your A too! They do not choose to be an addict.

Glad you are here, I really am, debilyn

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know yet, but I'm interested to read the replies.

My 9 year old son's dad is an alcoholic, but he's able to put together a couple of days of sobriety for his visitation periods. So far my son hasn't asked, so I haven't taken it upon myself to jump in and start explaining. My exAH admitted for a while that he was an alcoholic and went to court-mandated AA meetings after his second DUI. Once he completed probation, he quit going and said that AA didn't work for him, and that he could handle it. I don't ask about his disease or his recovery, so I don't know what he does or doesn't do. (I just know that if he shows up drunk I won't let my son get in the car with him - but I don't spend time worrying about what if that happens. I figure that it didn't happen today and that's all I need to know. I'll cross the bridge if I need to in the future).

I did explain recently to my 9 year old that my mom is an A. He noticed some stuff and asked questions, and I told him that she was sick, and explained that alcoholism is a disease. I made sure to tell him that she was a sick person, and not a bad person. I left the dialogue open in case he has questions or concerns. My AH (my son's stepfather) goes to lots of AA meetings, and my son knows where he is going and why. We took him to my AH's birthday night at the group. I think that the honesty and openness really help remove the fear.

For now, with regard to his dad, I'll just take one day at a time. If the day comes that my son asks questions, I pray HP will give me the right words to say.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Your son is very young ,way to young to address this with now but u can start by saying daddy is grumpy today no excuses hes just grumpy , one of the biggest misakes I made was to deny my sons thier feelings ree: kids feel the tension in the house and if you notice they gravitate to the one being verbally abused *or they dissapear into thier bedrooms * they know something is wrong but of course dont know what , my sons would come home see that I had been crying and ask what was wrong I said my usual * nothing go play* if I had just taken the time to kneel down and say that I was sad but would be okay and let them give me a hug they would have known thier feelings were right instead by shooing them off I taught them to not trust what they were seeing and feeling . You can pass on to your son a new attitude that u will learn here in this program and your f2f meetings and that is a gift . When he is older there is a book that we print called Whats Drunk Mama ? awsome book for little ones it explains the disease reasures them its not thier fault , teaches them to respect the alcoholic while taking care of themselves . for now keep him safe lots of hugs and your both going to be just fine. Louise

Laurustine · Newbie

I am an adult. Both my parents have severe alcohol and addiction problems. The codependence is overflowing. From my perspective there is absolutely no excuse for raising a child in an environment of addiction if you have the ability to get out of there. You will fall into the cycle with him.

Your son will suffer.

And, eventually, I suspect he will want nothing to do with either of you. Get him out before he is harmed or as soon as he is able he will flee from you both.

And when/if you have multiple children the problem only worsens. I can forgive my parents for what they have done to me. I do not forgive them for what they have done to by brothers.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Angel...Alcoholism is a disease not a bad person. Do as much investigation as
you can because it is important. I got it at birth from generations before me and it
was great for me to go to college on it and to learn as much as I have. With my
grand-children I speak openly about it when it is appropriate and I tell them that if
it ever comes up in their lives like it has in mine then I can lead them to solutions
and people with solutions that they can get support as they need it. At the age of
1 there is very little to no possibility that the infant will understand much and as they
get older they can learn more if the disease is still not arrested in either a family
member (including yourself) or friend or such. Present day there are many children
who are actively drinking at early ages 7, 8, 9. The best way to insulate the child is
to also expose them to recovery language, feelings, spirit and behaviors.

I am working toward having alcohol and drug addiction taught as a part of curriculum
during the middle and high school years.

Let others help you explain the problem and solution. Denial is only one small part
of the problem and denial is used by all involved.

(((((hugs))))) smile

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