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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Being drawn to people who aren't present
Post Info TOPIC: Being drawn to people who aren't present
Aloha


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Being drawn to people who aren't present
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I've had a couple interesting revelations in the last few days.

1. My ex's brother and mother came out to visit him over the holiday and they wanted to meet up with me and do lunch one day, which I figured would be fine. The ex stayed away because his daughter was going to be there and he's still refusing to talk to her or see her after eight months.

I've always had this sort of weird, icky feeling around my BIL (now exBIL). He's also an alcoholic, although in recovery. I used to have a lot of respect for him, but I think as I'm growing in my Al-Anon program, I think it was more that I was just desperate to have someone in his family who was "on my side". One 12-stepper to another. But he always had this sort of condescending attitude regardless.

Now that I have some distance and perspective on the family, after this visit with them, I got the full realization that the BIL is his brother's brother. Meaning they're both a LOT alike. Scarily alike, actually. Only one just isn't drinking.

What I noticed what rubbed me wrong was how he was just not "there" while I was interacting with him during lunch. He really wasn't "there" with anyone, actually - his mom, his niece, me, his niece's boyfriend... He'd only become fully present if there was something he wanted. The rest of the time he seemed to be staring off into la-la-land like he'd rather be any place other than where he currently was.

So, I've realized I'm not so keen any more on keeping much contact with the exBIL, either. I realized I don't need more people in my life who can't be present. My exAH was like that. His mind was always way off in some other strange world I have no idea about... I pretty much was living alone when I was with him.

So, that realization came to me a couple days ago... been letting it sit with me that it's okay for me to choose to change my mind about my exBIL and if I desire him as a friend or not. I'm leaning more towards the "not" side of things...

2. Yesterday, while I was home, I decided to rent a move from Netflix and I saw with pure joy that they had "The Big Blue" available for rent. I remembered absolutely loving that movie when I was much younger - I seem to recall thinking it was a great love story.

Well, fast-foward to watching the movie with some Al-Anon perspective and it's not such a great movie after all. The story's about these two free-divers who get into a competition to see who can go the deepest the longest and there's this woman who falls in love with one of them. All through the movie, this free diver she's in love with is just never PRESENT in her interactions with him. Again, he's off in la-la-land dreaming about dolphins and being in the ocean while she's pulling her hair out hoping for a scrap of his attention.

When I finished watching the movie, I was just a bit amazed - and it gave me some great perspective. Early in my life, I thought that fighting tooth and nail for someone's attention was love. Now I just see it as total self-abuse.

From an early age, I've been drawn to people who can't or won't be present in a relationship. Interesting stuff. I hope I'm learning enough about myself now that I'll stop seeking those kinds of relationships.

Thanks for reading my looooong share.


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Mattie


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Wow, that resonates so much with me.  That's just what I've done so many times too.  So great that you recognized that about your BIL.

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kimmy1975


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Wow!  I never realized that about myself until reading your share.  While growing up, I used to fight to get my parents (who were not A's) attention all the time.  They were always too busy watching TV to be bothered with me.  

My first husband (also not an A) never paid much attention to me either.  He was caught up in reliving the horrors of his first marriage and couldn't stay in the present moment to realize that I was there for him, and would love him unlike his first wife did.  After we divorced, I met a guy at work, and we dated, then lived together.  I used to fight for his affection and attention.  The only time I got attention from him was when he was either drunk or high, and the attention came in the form of abuse.  When he was sober, he wanted nothing to do with me.

My current AH swings back and forth between practically ignoring me and giving me attention.  We have been through some very tough times, and have had lengthy conversations about my wants and needs, because for the first few years, he just wasn't emotionally available, or didn't want to be.  He has been making more of an effort these last couple of years to be more available emotionally and is more inclined to give me the attention I desire, but right now we are back in that "he doesn't have much to do with me mode".  This happens every time we go on vacation.  Thankfully this year is no where near as bad as previous years, because in previous years, we've come back from vacation fighting horribly, and were on the brink of filing for divorce.  So things this year have improved drastically compared to those years, but I would still like for him to pay attention to me.  I know there is nothing I can do to make him pay attention to me, so it is up to me to meet my own needs and do my own thing until he chooses to come around.


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Kimmy


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
maire rua


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Great share,

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Maire rua
sunflowergirl


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I have done this same thing, if only to fill in the huge whole inside of me. Wanting people's attention, I would go crazy to get it. Nothing worked. Not until I began to learn how to fill myself up with self acceptance, awareness and love, thanks to my HP's guidance :) Great share!

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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.  -Buddha

The past has flown away.  The coming month and year do not exsist.  Ours only is the present's tiny point.  -Mahmud Shabistanri
glad


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I have done this same thing, if only to fill in the huge whole inside of me. Wanting people's attention, I would go crazy to get it. Nothing worked. Not until I began to learn how to fill myself up with self acceptance, awareness and love, thanks to my HP's guidance :) Great share!

This post and the responses to it helped me so much!

Thank you!!!! --- I'm not absolutly sure of all the reasons for the void in my heart but I know the answer is to fill it up with the love of my higher power and love and respect for myself!!!



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Debilyn


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Wow great share!

you made me think. I will share with you, when I am talking with someone, I can see if they are really listening or if they really care.

I call it seeing their heart. When I see and feel this feeling I get, I just stop talking, am polite but give them no more energy.

When we care about people and what they have to say, to me that is so cool. I LOVE to listen, see peoples reactions. I care and really am curious.

Am so glad you have found your ability to know who to share with and who not to waste your time/heart.

I know too Aloha, I was so naive I believed A's family at times that they did love me and care. dumby me.

Thank you for sharing this! love,debilyn

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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Aloha


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Very true, TT - I'm sure I've gone MIA many times in my interactions with people. Typically it's when I'm around someone I'd rather not be spending much time with.

I successfully diverted an attempt from the exBIL to get me to go do something for him just now - just like his brother, he really only calls when he wants something, never just to talk. Wanted me to grab him some Kona Coffee from one of my friends who grows so he could bring it home. I politely told him he'd need to pick it up himself - here's her number... nice seeing you, have a safe trip back. Aloha.

So glad for my Al-Anon growth. Me in the past would have been dropping everything to get that coffee for them when they can just as easily get it themselves. ;)

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living_with_my_a


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good share, aloha.

I am drawn to unavailable, unresponsive ppl, too and I cna't seem to break it yet.

Carol

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