Is this normal A behavior? - Al-Anon Family Group

kimmy1975 · Veteran Member

Is this normal A behavior?

DreamXL · Senior Member

Kimmy Hi :) I think what you are describing are typical alcholic behaviors and thinking patterns that go along with it. We could spend a lifetime trying to figure out what the addicted person is thinking and why they think that way and in the end if we had the answer it wouldnt change anything anyhow. Your right all we can do is focus on ourselves and our own behaviors because it is the only thing we can control.
Hope you had a great vacation Kimmy :) thanks for the post.

clep · Senior Member

There are things that my A says or doesn't remember saying, does or doesn't remember doing that never ceases to shock me. There are times I don't even know what to say, and he has been dry for a year and a half. I have noticed that if he isn't working a program, for my A those things don't change. My A will forget tons of things, but I did notice when he was working an honest program consistently he wasn't like that. Could be that he "forgets" out of convenience or not, I'm not sure, and I don't really care.

While I am spending precious time dwelling on the behaviors of the A I am not worrying about myself. I do recognize there many times we need to be able to see the behaviors of the A and process them, but that is different from dwelling I think.

Doesn't really matter to me if it can be considered normal A behavior. In my experience there is no such thing.

Hope you had a great vacation.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Normal behavior? Absolutely!

Why do they exhibit these "normal" behavoirs? Who Knows! Waste of time to try to figure them out.

Focus -------> on YOU. Only person you can control/change as needed.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kimmy,
I lost my sanity trying to understand why my ABf did what he did.
Drinking or not they are ill, I am ill too. Al anon is my medicine. If I am on holiday and there is no meeting there then I pick up the phone. If you do not have any al anon phone numbers only a suggestion but you could get some incase you ever need some medicine till your nxet meeting

hugs

tracyxx

Samsgram · Senior Member

I hope you had a great vacation Kimmy in spite of this.

As for the A remembering correctly if they were drrinking or not.
In my experience with my A. I know that she always thinks she remembers
everything completely correctly and if I don`t agree I`am wrong.
I know that I have put things down on paper that have nothing to do with drinking
just so see if its me and it definately is NOT me.
They just have to be right as far as I`am concerned. At least my daughter the A does.
I try to just let it go these days and chock it up to the disease.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes the alcoholic seems to have selective memory when it comes to drinking.

This disease is the disease of denial. Our part is to try to get to a point where we are not keeping tabs on whether they drink or how much they drink. We are not to take their inventory.

Our objective is to be serene and ok with ourselves. To practice the tools of Alanon, its not about fault or who remembers things the best. We need to work on acceptance. This is the disease of alcoholism and thats what the Alcohol does, he drinks! Trying to get him to admit it is futile, until he recognize's it himself.

Taking the focus off him and putting it back on ourselves is key here.

Luv, Bettina

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The only thing normal about an alcoholics behavior is that they lie , first to themselves and then to others . This is a disease and it is running his life at the moment and there is not a thing you can do about that . Take care of you get the focus back on yourself and kids and enjoy what is left of the holiday season . and remember This too shall pass.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You did well Kimmey...we never get to perfect because recovery is a progression just
as the disease is...It (the disease) never gets better only worse. The behavior is
"normal" for a drinking alcoholic.   Always expect the alcoholic and the lies and the
denial and control and manipulations won't surprise you. That is what worked for
me. Fear is what causes the lies....Drinking when they said they wouldn't causes
the fear. Some will come outright and say they drank or lied or drank and lied but
that kind of honesty is rare.  She didn't like the angst anymore then I did and she
was tired to hearing those voices inside of her and outside of her that told her she
had a problem. Alcoholism is cunning, powerful and baffling.

Stick with your program and practice, practice, practice.   (((((hugs))))) smile

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone told me alcoholism is a sickness of perception, this helped me because I could see that my A seemed to believe what he was saying when he said it and that those lies seemed different to the (few) times he said something that was just an outright lie and he knew it... I could hear the differenced in his voice.

He is actually a very bad "outright" lier-- but shadowing the truth, withholding information or believing it so long it becomes reality to him-- ohhh he's very good at that.

Someone also told me that, with regard to promises, they usually believe what they are saying when they say it.

I also noted that in my A's family of alcoholics, they don't seem to "feel" the lies like I would.. meaning that lieing is not a big deal simply a coping mecanism to them.

It's sad... I have seen that family say things like "What should I tell this person or that person" etc... When the truth would have been better and easier.
They will lie to eachother,,, even saying those are the ones they love the most.

Truth and reality and open honest communication seemed to be somethings my A would avoid at all cost... Just my Experience.. Thanks for letting me share.

-- Edited by glad on Monday 27th of December 2010 05:38:09 PM

tlcate · Senior Member

Yep - I try to steer away from blanket statements about alcoholics - but I will say that I believe denial is something that every alcoholic has mastered.

I'm pretty good at it myself sometimes too.

tlc

ljc · Member

Yep, straight from the horses mouth ... its very normal behavior to lie about drinking. I know I ALWAYS lied about mine .. how much, when, where, etc.

I have to watch myself today being on the other side of the fence in Alanon to try very hard not to bring up the A's in my life usages. ( I have 6 of them .. none that live with me ).

It is so very hard sometimes to bite my tongue and take care of ME. I cant change them and a sarcastic or rude remark really only causes trouble.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Lying and denial are part and parcel of alcoholism.

Since alcoholism is a disease of insanity, trying to rationally figure out why alcoholics behave the way they do won't work. Who knows why ... it is what it is.

When I am spending time wondering why the A's in my life are doing something, or if they are doing something, or if they are covering up something, etc., my sponsor says to put away my magnifying glass and pick up my mirror. It reminds me that I can't do anything about someone else, and it doesn't do any good to occupy my time wondering what someone else's motives are. Better to keep my eyes on myself and what I can control instead.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

In my experience ,it is totally normal alcoholic behavior. Do they actually know they are lying while they are lying....or do they believe, really believe, their own lies? I have no idea. I try not to worry about that as it used to drive me absolutely insane.

My AH would tell me he wasn't drunk while he was falling over having just shoved the bottle of vodka back in it's hiding spot.

AH would write down in his Addictions Foundation homework book that he had been alcohol free for a week while he was drunk! His writing was so bad cause of how drunk he was at the time that his lines would be written at 45 degree angles, messy across the page!

AH would tell his sponsor he wasn't drinking all day even though I had to pull the car over 3 hours ago so he could vomit out the door.

There is no end to the lies.

I believe they lie to themselves, then they try to feed those lies to us. I think on some level, they know they are lying. But, when you lie to yourself enough... you eventually start to believe it. I think lying for them had become a defense mechanism....they lie, start to believe their lies, and then they don't feel so bad.

We could try to understand the insanity until the end of time...driving ourselves more and more crazy in the process...or, we can focus on us, we can control us.

:)

Danielle

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok I have to be a nut. My first thought was omg "NORMAL A BEHAVIOR." that is an oxymoron. like saying a small shrimp....

I know what you are asking. Nothing is normal about an A as others said. There is no use trying to figure them out. BUT I do relate to the curiosity. That is my nature.

I was just watching or reading something again that said the A's brain is so sick, that most the time they absolutely believe what they say.

They don't/cannot process like a non using person. We seem to forget or look past, that they are braindamaged!

My ex A was saying he had not drank for a year, and ya know what, he was going to prison for a dui he got just a few months before he said this!!!!

Its total insanity. There is no rationalizing it.

Its horribly sad. You are right, we do need to really look at ourselves. What they say or do, we cannot control. BUT you must be wise as he may drive with you and kids, you cannot leave kids with a using addict. So to a point we must be aware!

You just reminded me, once I could smell it on him, he says no its my new deoderant.He even went into the house and got it and put it up to my nose! OMG.

And I was confused!!! Before you guys busted my denial bubble.

sheesh. Huggen ya, BE CAREFUL debilyn

flinn66 · Senior Member

That made me laugh about the deoderant - I have had after shave sprayed at me to prove that was what I could smell

Yes lies seem to be a part of the disease, and I guess those lies are driven by fear. I think as a non A i lie too - usually my biggest lie is "i'm OK" when clearly I am not!

But as others say I would go insane (or even more so perhaps) if I spend too much time trying to understand it - you cannot understand insanity

danielle0516 · Senior Member

haha. I laughed at the deodorant comment too.

My A would say I was smelling: his aftershave, his breath mint, his deodorant, his new mouthwash, the new toothpaste, the new Axe body spray, his new lip balm, his acne cream, ect. This list is never ending.

I've also had a variety of things fetched and shoved in my face to prove to me that was the scent I was after! These things were shoved in my face while AH was so drunk he could barely stand up straight, or talk without mumbling and slurring every single word. Yet, it was just the innocent aftershave. They are delusional.

It is absolute insanity.

What is even more insane...is that we believe it (sometimes).

I have learn't to trust myself, and try to focus on me... Because focusing on them...drives us insane and does no good at all.

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