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My first xmas after goin to al anon has been horrendous
I have tried to ignore the hiding of drink I have forced myself not to try and hide drink and try and feed him etc etc but he went to the football today with my best pals husband and me and my best pal went and met them in pub afterwards. Both hubbies were ok and as night went on we all had a good drink and dance etc but my man sat with 5 drinks of his own vs our one each. I ignored this all night and danced and enjoed myself without having his actions overtaking my whole mind.
He went missing at end of night but this is not an unusual occurance and its nornal for me to find my way home myself while he is at some party or home first drinking whatever is in house.
Tonight I came home to an empty house and a phone call from my mother beGging me to come get him as he had landed at her door and ended up giving abuse to my father and brothers girldfriend. I'm told my mum I wa sorry but I couldn't be responsibile for his actions and that she has to deal with him how she would deal with any other person who showed disrespect in her home. She is now not talking to me and I am in hysterics. She told me she will fone his mother and I am paranoid at thje relationship I already have with the inlaws without this.
What can I do, I love him so much sober but this is wrong???
(((Fallon))) You did exactly right. There are 3 C's in Alanon. You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. You are also not responsible for his actions, just as he is not responsible for yours. You will learn through Alanon that we have to let them be responsible, for their actions, for their addiction, etc... What you did must have been incredibly difficult for you, it was a big step toward recovery. Welcome to our MIP site, I'm glad that you are here. Peace to you.
Your mother doesn't understand that you can't control his behavior. A lot of people think (maybe it's wishful thinking) that someone must be able to control it. But if anyone could, they would, wouldn't they? The sad fact is that it's up to the drinker.
For her not to be speaking to you, it sounds as if things are pretty extreme for her. She's probably frightened at his behavior. I guess it would be scary for anyone.
It sounds as if everyone needs more support, but you especially. Can you get to some meetings too? Start thinking about a sponsor?
Your mother sounds desperate to maintain some control over this (which sadly she can't). She may think her in-laws have some, not knowing the three C's. Even if they react badly, remember that they most likely don't understand either. If they choose to try to blame you somehow, instead of the one person who can take responsibility -- your A -- I hope you can not take it personally, and just keep on getting support for yourself. Keep working on your recovery. Things sound very chaotic with him these days -- you need to take good care of yourself!
Great job working the program. Sounds as if mom is going to find someone to take responsibility for his behavior and if it isn't you, it is going to be his mom. There is also nothing you can do about the way she is handling it.
I used to be in hysterics when my family was angry with me and showing it. I desperately needed their approval. After working my program, I don't need their approval all the time. I don't have to panic if someone is upset with me, even if they are irate with me. Life still goes on. Feelings are not facts, just feelings. They pass and so will this.
I know it is hard when we start to put the programme into practice others do not understand as they are not educating themselves as you are. You stpped back out of the situation it was none of your business. If your husband went out tomorrow and robbed a bank would that be your fault.
If you stepped i and fixed it he would not have the consequences to face the next day. I know it is hard but the more i stepped back the more he saw what he was doing my partner did not want to live that way anymore and is sober today.
One woman in al anon shared how for years she used to put her husband to bed when he fell down drunk. When she started al anon she began to leave him on the floor and just cover him with a blanket. One day he came to his wife and said my drinking is getting worse i keep waking up on the floor his wife then realised that by doing what she though was kind and loving she had actually been stopping her husnabd from identifying how sick he was.
great work try not to beat yourself up according to al anon you did the right thing.
No one is going to like this - but I have to disagree here.
Fallon, you did the best you could with what you had at the time - so this is no disrespect to you and please don't beat yourself up over what I am about to say. You are trying to implement the Al-Anon tools in your life and that is fantastic.
But I think detachment can go too far. I will not let my family suffer for my poor choices in partners. If this was HIS mom - HIS family - I would have totally let them deal with it.
But I made VERY strong efforts to not let my family and friends be effected by my choice in a partner. The second time my exA and I got back together I did not let him see my daughter at all. The boundary was that we go to couples counseling in order for that to happen and it never happened. I feel she doesn't have to suffer or be around this person because I choose to be. Turned out to be a really good decision.
Just my take of course. I would have made efforts to get my A out of their house, even if it required the cops. I do not see where my family should suffer because I choose to.
Sorry if that is too harsh. Sometimes we have to be accountable for our choices and the effects they have on other people, even if those choices are another human beings. Just as the alcoholic has to be accountable for their actions and their choices around their addiction, so do we. Just because I choose to be with an alcoholic doesn't mean my whole family signed up for the gig.
Truly said out of love and compassion. I just don't agree with this one.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Thank you for all your replies. I take on board all you have to say and appreciate your honestly TLC!
I am very new to this and I'm sure will form my own opinions along the way, some ppl agree with and some others don't. I am very glad you all responded. I have given an update on last nights drama in a new post. I'd welcome your thoughts. Especially yourself TLC.
