The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here on this board, and I'm new to alanon as well. I have visited alanon meetings over the past year, mostly when the storm was raging, ( agf was drinking, always a no call no show ) and when it calmed down i didnt come around. I thought that my program would be enough to make it through because, I am 10 years in AA so I would just do what I do there, which is a whole lot. I'm very active in meetings and sponsering, doing my best to live the steps as to what I know. But looking back when it comes to this aspect of alcoholism, I dont know much. I've taken what I know to be true in AA like ( as an exploblem drinker, my very life depends on my constant thought of others and how I may meet there needs ) pg 20 of BB, and twisted it to fit my insane obsession with this woman and just about kill myself from the inside out. I do love her, but I'm statring to see that a lot of what i thought to be love is infact sick obsession. That has been a hard pill to swallow. I started going to alanon meetings again a few weeks ago when the storm started to rage again, only this time a lot of what I am hearing is making me see things just a little differently and this time when the storm calmed, I didnt stop going to meetings. I have a few phone numbers, but have not used them. I detest being a whiner or a victim so I just suck it up and move along, but its starting to make my body sick and its making me afraid and resentfull ( like I need more of that ).
I'm confused and jamed up inside, its like all my feelings and thoughts get bottle necked and cant get out. I dont know what thats about. I want to be free again. I want to love and be loved with out all this emotional debre around. There are so many more issues with me and her than just the drinking. I'm almost at the point that I want to be free of this pain and I'll do almost anything, but I dont know what to do. I guess I'm gonna do whats in front of me to do today and do my best to do it right, regardless of how I feel about. I've learned something very important to me in AA, that if how I feel becomes more important than what I do, today wont end well.
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The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson
Welcome Liam, I want to tell you it was so, so, wonderful to read about your recovery. Especially how your recovery is to focus on others to help them, well part of it. I can share with you the strongest recoveries I have experienced in loved ones, have that phylosophy.
We know to "help" an A, we have to take care of ourselves. We can do nothing for them. We learn we can only control ourself.
Its a hard concept, but we must love them enough to allow them the dignity to make their own choices, even if we feel they are wrong.
The using A is very, very sick. Unless one is on a program of recovery fit just for them, it is difficult if not impossible to live with them.
Let me share that your sponsors WANT you to call them! They would not say yes to being one if they did not want you to.
Its a wonderful service that allows them to give too! Giving feels great!
When we call them, it helps them to grow strength in their program too.
Of course you are beat down and feeling overwhelmed. We can only take so much. As far as leaving, it is always up to the person. I know for me, when I was done, I was done. No turning back, and I haven't.
I stayed, worked my program, loved him so much, but when it became too toxic, physical abuse, I ended it.
NO it is not easy! But it is easier to leave when you know you are ready. They are very sick, they have go to come to the point themselves as far as wanting to stop. Wanting to be on program, has to get where it means more than wanting to use.
Choosing not to use any drug, the min. eyes open.
I am so glad you are here. I can tell you are reaching out. That is so great.Calling a good sponsor or other members can help you to get those feelings out and understood.
I know if someone needed you and called, you would be happy right?
Keep coming! We are a family here and need you too!
Alanon has changed my life for the better. Before alanon, I was a codependent, ACOA with alanon's disease. There is so much I have learned here about me. I no longer have to do the things I used to do, to try to control or manipulate people or situations. I know now that I can take care of me and not have to sit and worry and obsess all day about someone else. Alanon taught me to look at me, focus on my higher power and detach with love from the addict in my life. The shift in consciousness that I have gained has helped not only me, but has reflected onto my children and the addict in my life. Things are serene now. I am working on not attacking myself, berating myself and not worrying about everything all the time. Those sick behaviors have made me physically ill....
Heres what helped me at the beginningof alanon:
The Three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I am powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic or addict, other people, places, things, outcomes etc. I learned to detach with love which means allowing the other person to be who they are and not try to coerce, scream, yell, cry, give silent treatments, or force solutions on. Forcing someone to do something they don't want to do, usually makes them do the opposite of what we want. I have learned to not place expectations because when someone doesn't meet MY expectations, I get resentful. I have learned to use the alanon tools in all my affairs.
I know now that I cannot make anyone change their ways. I can only change me. My bf, who happens to be an addict was my focus, my obsession. His parents forced him to go to rehab. He was sober there for 45 days. He got out, and within a few hours was drunk and in a black out on the airplane home.
Only the person with the addiction can change if they want to. Its ok to talk to your girlfriend when she is sober, but trying to talk to her when she is drunk doesn't work. Its ok to let her know how YOU feel, using I statements. We learn here to say what we mean, mean what we say and to not say it mean. There is a gray area now, that we were never aware of before. Its not all black and white.
Alanon is for you, to help you get better from your disease. Obsessing about someone/something is one of the symptoms of our disease. When we obsess, we don't have to look at ourselves and we can hide from our own pain. Take care of you, thats what we learn to do here.
Courage to change is a great book, as well as Getting Them Sober, and The Language of Letting Go. Another great book that is helping me tremendously is The New Codpendency....
Take care, just for today of you :) Welcome here and keep coming back.
Sunflowergirl
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Congrats on your sobriety and working your program. We love to hear success stories. As far as alanon this to is a life long program. We tend to get ourselves totally emeshesd in the alcoholic/addicts life we lose our own idenity. We have all been where you are Please keep going to meetings and work the alanon program a long side your AA program. Wishing you all the best and Keep coming back Blessings
Getting jammed up and stuffing our feelings doesn't really work, as stuffed feelings multiply inside until they burst, bigger and badder than they were from the start.
Alanon gives us tools to take those feelings and get them out in healthy ways. I still sometimes hesitate before calling someone, but I inevitably make the call. Call the people on your list. We all understand and do for each other. By reaching out, talking, finding different perspectives and solutions, your feelings of resentments, and being a victim will dissipate.
Practicing HALT- being aware and not getting too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired is a good way to recognize and address irritations as they creep in. For me, it helps keep things in perspective.
Yes, I know about the obsession...I was obsessed with the XAh, very much so in those beginning years. Its a love that goes beyond the boundaries of reason. I had to break that obsession for my own sanity and health. It was hard, took 26 years.
So proud of you that you have committed to your program and have come to investigate the other side, Alanon.
In Alanon we learn healthy ways to deal with our issues, stick around and you seem to have that staying power and use the tools of the program and you will unravel those stuft feelings in no time.
Aloha Liam and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year...You are qualified to be here and in Al-Anon and there are many "doubles" in recovery. A double is a qualified member of both programs...one who has a friend, relative or associate who's drinking has become a problem with us and who also wishes to never drink again themselves.
It is the two bitter faces of the disease of alcoholism....Welcome. I am also a double and you have lived my story. I used the same thoughts, feelings and behaviors as you have spoken about here.
Simply let me relay to you what was given to me before I reached the doors of Al-Anon. "Get into the program your very life could depend on it. Get to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days and if you find Al-Anon isn't for you go try something else; we will gladly refund your miseries. Get and read as much of the literature as you can on alcoholism and you. Find a home group and you chair, sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Learn the steps, traditions and slogans and the Serenity Prayer. Keep and open mind with everything you hear and continue always to ask for help. Start building your relationship with a God of your understanding and find a sponsor." simple...not easy.
Lots of the language is a duplication of AA's language however the focus is different. We have learned how to let go of control over alcohol...now we learn how to let go of control over other people (alcoholics also). The picture of powerlessness gets wider and deeper and the demand on reducing our egos and prides become much more necessary.
I got into Al-Anon first and didn't drink for 9 years before reaching the doors of AA. Both programs are necessary for my life. When I got into Al-Anon I was told that I had to separate myself from everything alcohol and alcoholic...You can have that awareness to think about..."everything" was the catchword for me. There is no middle ground or as you have learned it "half measure".
I am in support of you being here and grateful that you showed up. We will learn together. You will find peace of mind and serenity and keep your sobriety at the same time. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for the welcome and the words and expeience's of encouragement. I feel like I fit here already. I had a few opertunities today to not say what I really think on an issue that just tares me a new one. Change for the better is not easy. Today I did not let how I feel be more important than what I did, and today went well. your shares helped me today.
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The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson
Crazy ? no just confused ,your now looking at alcoholism from the other side of this disease and it is confusing for double winners , my best friend a double winner had a terrible time switching from what she was learning in AA to Al-Anon thinking , until she said AA was to keep her sober , Al-Anon for a better way of living then she could separate the two programs .. Going to any length to help an alcoholic dosent work except to drive you crazy ,we cannot help the alcoholic we can support by minding our own business and allowing them the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose while we get ours back on track. Obsession is the hardest part of recovery ,when we try to direct others lives we loose our own . This program will improve every relationship you have so buckle up and enjoy the ride .
