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Hi, my story is sort of long, but I really need to speak out and relate to others who have gone through what I have. I have been spending the past two nights reading the forums, and thought I would take a moment to post my story.
I am a 30 year old women and started dating a man around my same age two years ago. Needless to say, it appeared to me about 4 months in that he had a drinking problem... it was duly noted at first that he would always bring a backpack over to my place with beer since I rarely drink and my fridge is never stocked, but at first I just chalked it up to him being a man who enjoys some beers. It was at this time frame I first brought it up, and for the next 7 months it continued to escalate. At first he completly denied he had a problem, then started telling me he would "cut back", etc...and that's when the fights would really start. He would get mad at me for our nightly chats about our day, I would get sick and he would not come over to help me and instead made statements like, "if you lived with me I would take care of you" (I didn't understand he just couldn't drive) He would get mad at me if I interuppted his too much if he was in his "zone" which included a nighly drinking of 8-12 beers while playing video games or whatever else he was doing.
In December of last year I became pregnant and sadly I decided to abort it because I couldn't bare the thought of bringing a child into the world and giving them an alcoholic parent. Of course this was his choice too...definetly would take away from his drinking time. Let me just say he treated me like dirt and ended up calling me names. He freaked out on me two weeks later and called me horrible names. I broke up with him (this was the first time of many to come),a nd two weeks later he was at my door apologizing. Of course I let him back.
This past year has been the hardest year of my life. IN April I decided to move in with him and one night (while drunk) we got into an argument and he decided to turn his internet connection off (I was working on a paper for school and doing research) and I refused to leave his office until he turned it back on. Wrong move. He became inraged and ended up dragging me out of his office and subsequently choking me. I immediately left and stayed at my moms for two weeks (No, I didn't call the cops... of course I felt too guilty about what would happen to him, instead of myself) While at my moms, the letters to me and my 3 year old son came and how he was so sorry for what he'd done. Of course I came back.
I was there about a week and had a talk with him about the fact I caught him watching porn after I went to bed, immediately after I left the house, whenever... (and no, our life in that area wasn't bad) it seemed like he had another addiction. I approached him about the issue and he got angry. I asked him why he watches it so much and he sad "it's just easier" (maybe from drinking?) He said I was trying to control him (I was always blamed for trying to control him when I asked for respect for myself on issues like this or other things a normal person would just not do) and he basically said he didn't care. So I said I was leaving.
This is in July I immediately went and leased an apartment. I was still at his home for 3 weeks before my move day and in that last week he said he realized he is an alcoholic and is going to stop drinking. He quit, cold turkey. of course I took him back. It lasted two weeks.
So it was over again. I went about a month without talking and of course he was sorry and saw the err of his ways. Of course I let him back. and so on and so on and so on. I started realizing i saw a pattern of his behavior. He would last about a month to a month and a half of being sober and would slowly get sick of the sober life. Each time I could slowly in very small details see his behavior change...and then he would go off and binge and it would last about two weeks before he would come back with all the apologies.
In the beginning of OCtober he told me he didn't like the life I was leading him down and didn't feel like he was himself and was trying to be someone different and wanted to drink. about two - three weeks later, the letters on my door started, the texxt messages, the emails, etc., I did SO WELL ignoring him (in fact, I still have one of the unopeneded letters in my filing cabinet) until decided to transfer an e-mail of his to a sub folder in my email and saw an attachment of a picture he drew of me and ended up reading his e-mail about how he was in AA and was going to counseling and this time he was doing it for him, not me.
I ended up texting him the next day with a yay for you. Unfortunetly I opended the lines of communication and he was back in my life within two weeks. At this point i had developed so much rage and anger at him, I had no idea how to control it. I yelled at him all the time about this or that that he had done to me. I loved him but I felt overcome by a hatred for him that was/is so powerful. He did really great listening and understanding what he did... but the last weekend he was over here I could tell that small shift in his behavior... I could always feel it... On Sunday I asked him to come over to my sisters with me to eat pizza with her and my brother in law and he told me he had to go home to feed his cats. (these excuses were always my favorite: needing to go feed his fish or the cats when he has a rommate) I was angry that I had made so much effort to be a part of his family and he had never in the two years we were together made an effort to be a part of mine. And his excuse just seemed like an excuse he always used. The past few weeks his family had events and he went to all of them, even on Sundays and did what he had to late at night... why shouldn't my family get the same respect? I got angry, said I was done with this b.s. and left.
I tried calling him later and he refused to answer. Guess why? Because I could always tell the slightest slur in his voice... He denied he was drunk and the next morning he did admit it, but stated "I drank, but I didn't get drunk" He said I broke up with him and so he went home to drink. So again, it was my fault.
This time I realize I have become unhealthy. I am allowing him to pull me under with him. I realize it is time to put the focus back on my life and no longer on his. I told him I am letting him go and that I am going to get healthy and he can choose to do what he wants with his life and that I wish him no ill will.
So now here I am. I am trying to find that starting point of getting better. I realize I have become codependent. I am so glad for the internet. For without it, I do not know what I have been able to do the past few days. I am just happy I am able to see I am not alone.
I remember those days post Al-anon. Breaking up and getting back together so many times. Making decisions upon emotion for the moment while my thinking was cloudy and feeling like I might have made a mistake. The words of my A were so convincing. After I started going to Al-anon I remembered a few key things.
It was not suggested for me to make any life altering decisions for quite a while. I remembered not to expect anything from my A. I didn't cause the disease of alcoholism, couldn't cure it and couldn't control it. It was not my fault. I also learned that in Al-anon I was not alone. I heard stories, feelings, coping mechanisms and frustrations that were identical to mine.
I kept going back. Now I am in a position where my focus is completely on me. I don't share money with my A, don't ask anything of him, don't share myself physically anymore, don't confide in him emotionally and especially don't depend on him in any way. I don't do those things as punishment, but because it is best for me. I felt used physically for many reasons when we were intimate in that area.
Things are slowly changing. Even if nothing changes with him, they are with me and I am happy, healthy for the first time in seven years, peaceful, focused, driven and emotionally independent. I can show love to myself and am much better at setting boundaries for myself.
I went to lots of meetings, got a sponsor, read "Codependent no more", "Getting them sober", daily readers from Al-anon and utilize my program daily. Sometimes all day. I have Al-anon speakers on my iphone to listen to as well. I take care of myself well now.
What he does is not my issue, but how I choose to react to it is. Al-anon has saved my life in so many ways. I don't know what I ever would have done without it, even without an alcoholic in my life.
Glad to see you here
Blessings
-- Edited by clep on Saturday 25th of December 2010 11:36:20 PM
Tiffany thank you, you sure are in the right place :) It was good to hear your story, so many are alike. It's good to hear you are looking after yourself, you will find the answers your looking for here thats for sure :) thanks again.
In my experience Tiff, it takes some comings and going before we get to where we are done.
You have already made several steps all this time! Each thing you shared, you learned from it.
I liked how you admitted,"of course I took him back." That is huge! It shows you were willing to keep trying till you were done.
Now you have taken steps to not fall into the same routine! Another big step, you came here and shared, that is great too! For some it is not easy to put it out there. We have lots of people who just read and do not respond. Which is a step in itself and I am glad they are getting help!
In the Frequently asked Questions at the top of the board, you will find a site to go to, to find a meeting you can go to. They would LOVE to see you there.
As far as the anger and bitterness, in time, working your program, you will come to see he is very sick, it is the disease who makes such a mess, you can detach and feel content again.
There are meetings here in the Chat room too.
You are so right, their disease makes us so sick. We tend to look at them, all of their stuff instead of our own. Their lives cancel out anything in ours.
You also have a 3 year old that is in a very important developmental time. So your doing this now is so important to your kiddo's growth.
I am glad you found MIP. Its full of amazing people with LOTS to give.
What popped out at me the most in your post is when you said " that you started realizing the pattern of HIS behavior" I think by coming here you are now realizing the patterns of your behaviors ( does that make sense). I do no have an A partner.....I have several A's in my life, most in recovery but my main A is my 22yr old son who is an addict. When I hit my bottom thnakfully I landed here in Alanon I was doing the same things over and over again trying to get different results ( the definition of insanity) Alanon has saved my sanity and my life literally!!!! Please find a meeting in your area and start attending, we also have online meetings twice daily. As you work and grow in the program you will find you are able to live a peaceful life despite what your bf may be doing. You stated quite a few times that he is not "there for you" Please know this is a huge part of his disease. This disease protects itself at all times And frankly I can't imagine a more emotionaly unavaible or unreliable person than an alcoholic/addict. Hard stuff to hear I know but this is a progressive disease that only get worse, never better unless the person accpets recovery and arrests the disease. I have found with this disease at best you will come in 3rd in his life 1st is Himself 2nd is that next drink than you. Again it is how this disease works and it is a disease. Here in alanon you will learn how to take care of you and your needs as you can not control anyone's actions but your own. There are many people who work with program and have achieved the serenity to remain with thier partner. For me as it is my son I am dealing with there can be no break up or divorce etc but I can set boundaries so that I do not enable and for me again I do not have to watch my son sink deeper into his addiction. But i love him uncondtionally and always will. He is actually sober 13 months ( most of this done in a jail rehab unit ) now has a job and as I said I no longer want to watch or wait for any relapse that may or may not come we have given him 6 weeks to find his own place to a sober living home. I want to be his mother not his policeman. He now that he has some recovery under his belt understands this. He knows we will support him in any way we can in his continued sobriety however should he relapse, go back to jail etc we will not support that life style. Recovery holds no promises and I can't put any expectaions on my son but I always keep hope alive. Sorry to ramble lol I tend to do that Main thing is you start your own recovery Blessings
Thank you all for your input and words. Even if some things are hard to hear, I welcome them. Xeno - thank you for the comment of "my behavior" and not his.
I realize I have a lot to work on. First, he is no longer my bf. He is gone and I am not looking back even though it is extremely painful to accept this, especially since when he is sober we get along very well.
My son's father (my ex husband) is very close to our son and very active in his life, so I am not a women who felt the need to have him in my life as some sort of support in that regard. I am fully capable of taking care of him alone, but the ex AB became very close to my son. In fact, one of the last things he said to me is the reason he kept trying with me is because he loves my son, not becuase he really loves me. That was a blow to me. He also stated that we just "don't get along" and that's why he also wants to break up with me (he always said this when he was drunk and after his binge would start the process of trying to get back in my life) but it's so hurtful when they say these things. That YOU don't matter and that they try and make you believe that it's over because YOU are the problem and that you don't get along because he likes to say that you and him just don't get along, not because he's an alcoholic.
I've noticed that my son is a pretty angry 3 year old who acts out quit a bit. I am at the hard point of wondering if my consumption with the ex AB's disease, and probably lack of attention to my son has caused him anger issues, too. My son loved him a lot..I feel bad for him as he doesn't understand. He keeps asking where he is and I just keep saying at home. It was really the fact that my son has hit a milestone in his development and is starting to remember people well, that I knew I had to take action to end this for good before he became a bigger piece of the mess.
The exAB whole family just turns a blind eye to his behavior. They let him drink and get drunk wherever he is and buy him alcohol. They say they just try not to pass judgment while his mother just tries to protect his behavior...at one point before I moved out of his house, she sent me a text message stating, "my son is hurting so much, as a mother I hope you understand I hate seeing my son hurt this much." I was astounded. My family has no problem setting me straight if I act inappropriately, including friends. No one agrees with me just for the sake of agreeing with me, but because they love me and will tell me honestly that MY behavior is wrong. His family has a history of alcoholism. In fact, his father is an alcoholic, his mother an ex alcoholic, his grandfather, cousins, etc. Pretty much his whole family. He always told me that no one ever told him he had a problem, and I was the first person to ever say he did. I always said, why would anyone who has the same problem as you say you have a problem? His best friend is an alcoholic as well. In fact, all of his friends are addicts to something. My friends are normal healthy people, and he would never want to hang out with them, or get to know them.
Being involved with him cost me to loose money out of my savings for having to move out in an emergency and pay a ton of deposits, he has kicked my dog for simple things like chewing a plastic bowl...
I started becoming a recluse after he kept coming and going because none of my friends wanted him around, or deep down I knew I was embarrassed for getting back with him so much. I told me he got offended that I kept him and I a secret each time he would come back. I would not tell my friends or family for a few weeks...and once I did, he would run off and do his binge drinking
I really thought this last time he actually enrolled in AA that he had changed, but I guess I don't know much about the disease yet and that he has a LONG road ahead of him.
I asked a friend from high school last night who is an ex A and has been sober 5 years, if she realized when she was in AA if she realized how much she hurt those around her and people in her life. She stated not right away, it took her a long time to realize her behavior effected many many people and it was hard for her to accept.
Luckily with this board and all of the wonderful heartfelt stories I know I am not alone and with the power of best friends and family, I know I will eventually overcome what I put myself through. My biggest fear is not rolling over the codependent behavior I learned in to a new relationship in the future.
Also, I want to state my ex husband was sexually abused as a child. I think he was my first real codependent relationship. While he didnt have an addiction, he would def have daily freakouts where he yelled at me... and then when I became upset he would ball up in the fetal position and I would have to ignore my feelings to help him come out of his "hole". The ex husband would burn himself with a car lighter, threaten to throw himself out of the car on the freeway and even took a gun to his head one night and threatened to kill himself. I had NEVER in my life been in a relationship like this, and I slowly watched myself transform. I had learned to ignore the ex husband's behavior, until he would get angry at me that I didn't yell back at him. He told me it was a sign I didn't live him... So he provoked me enough until I started the screaming and yelling back at him. I would try and run from him in his fits of rage and go lock my self in the bedroom to get away from his yelling and degrading, but he would always break the door open and yell at me.
My biggest fear as I stated before, is realizing I went from one codependent relationship to another. I fear that I am on a bad path of welcoming men like this in my life and I want to stop. Which is why I am here, and why I am sure so many more people are here and even more simply just read the posts by people.
You received lots of good ES&H and input from members who understand, and have walked a few steps in your shoes.
When I came into the program I learned from others on this board and in the rooms of Al-Anon face 2 face meetings. I was dealing with some problems similar to yours in many ways, and some entirely different. But like you I was effected by the disease of alcoholism and I wanted a better life than I had been living.
The program taught me a better way to live. Taught me how to change my old habits and way of thinking. Gave me the tools that not only work in dealing with the disease, but in all my affairs.
You have painted a picture using both sides of the brush. You realize the toll the disease has taken on both you and your son. You came here seeking help. Take the next step in a positive direction.....start attending f2f meetings in your area. All your questions, including your biggest fear of rolling over the codependent behavior can be answered in the rooms of Al-Anon. We have to change or we keep doing the same things over and over again. Give the program a try, you and your son deserve it.
What you wrote about being ashamed to tell your friends that you and the ABF had reconciled again reminded me that I engaged in the same behaviour in a previous relationship. Of course, I was also covering up his alcoholism (he was "in recovery" but relapsing frequently) and I even lied to my best friend about letting him live with me after he got out of treatment -- I said we were "just friends" and I was giving him a place to stay to help him stay sober, not admitting that we were a couple again.
Crazy -- I knew what I was doing wasn't in my own best interest, so I lied to hide my own stupidity from those close to me.
Like you, I have a pattern of choosing unhealthy partners, but because I had grown up with alcoholism in both my parents, I thought that being involved with non-drinkers was the safe route to go. I still managed to choose dysfunctional men. My last two relationships have been with recovering A's, neither of whom were very solid in their sobriety. Current ABF just celebrated a year sobriety yesterday (Yay!), but within the first 16 months we were together he relapsed 7 times on horrific two-week binges. I couldn't understand why I'd stayed with him after the first relapse (let alone the ones that followed) when alcoholism was my worst nightmare, and I'd just come through an identical relationship.
I knew that it was time to fix ME to break the cycle of my attraction to unhealthy men and doomed relationships, so I started attending Al-Anon. Honestly, it was my last hope -- and a weak one at that, because I really felt that I was too emotionally damaged to be fixed. Now, almost a year later, I know that if I follow this program, I will find my own recovery.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Tiffany, I'm so glad you have found this site. It has been such a godsend to me.
How well I know that pattern of breaking up and getting back together. When I was with him, I experienced the turmoil and the anger, and it was awful. Then when we were apart, I would start feeling fear and nostalgia, and he'd be apologizing, and I'd think things had changed in both of us, and we could make a good start at last...
Only in retrospect did I realize that my going back to him so many times was like him going back to the bottle.
My A kept swearing his drinking was behind him -- usually he'd say, "I'm not an alcoholic, so it's no problem to give it up, and life is better without it, so I just won't drink again, no problem." In my case he was a binge-drinker, meaning he could actually go several months without drinking, so he'd be sober and I'd believe him.
One thing I didn't put together was that our relationship was still not great when he wasn't drinking. He hadn't gone into recovery, he was just dry for a while. When he was dry, things were a lot better than when he was drunk all the time, so I thought that was as good as it got. But I didn't realize that he just didn't know how to have a truly good, giving relationship constantly. Just every once in a while, enough to keep me filled with hope. (I think maybe I didn't know how to either.)
Anyway, what nobody told me all this time was that most alcoholics do not stop drinking. The percentage of people who stay in AA for longterm recovery is something like 20%. And this doesn't even count the people who never go to AA or another program in the first place. If I had known this, I would have made different choices up front. One thing I definitely wish I'd done is to get involved in Al-Anon very early on. That would have stopped me getting involved with another person with A issues the next time.
I see so much wisdom in your determination to figure things out now so, as you say, you won't get into another co-dependent relationship. There are so many wonderful tools of recovery here. I hope you can also find some local meetings. Try a number because they are all different. (The first one I went to was so drawn-out and boring I thought I would die on the spot. That kept me from going back for years! If only I had known they weren't all like that!) A number of them offer childcare. You can find listings on the web, or call the local Al-Anon number in the phone book.
Hugs to you! Hang in there and keep on taking great care of yourself!
Mattie - your words are so identical to my story. Thank you for sharing. I keep feeling this fear and gut wrenching, like i will never find something good and that's as good as it was going to get. But I know it's not true, deep down.
What strikes me as most weird is I never have in my life had a problem ending a relationship...even with the ex husband, which I had to move from one to back home in order to leave him.
Why am I so afraid? It's a question I can't understand right now.
