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Hi everyone, feeling very confronted by the concept of "dry drunk". I am a stay-at-home-mum in a same-sex relationship with a woman much older than myself. We have been together for nearly ten years and have two small children (who I carried) within the relationship. My partner was always a heavy drinker but happy. She favoured single malt whiskey and would go through a bottle in a week.
Things started to fall apart when she put down the drink three years ago. I never realised how unhappy I had been in the relationship when I started acting out behind her back earlier this year - she doesn't know!! - and have just had my first year in recovery in SLAA.
Over the last 9 months, the horrifying details of my dysfunctional and abusive relationship have started to come to light. I realise that my default position within the relationship has been one of the child and my partner has been the adult - frequently criticising me, belittling me, pointing out all my character defects, and anger, my god, so much anger!!! She would stand at the front door and GLARE at me if I wasn't ready to leave the house that exact moment. The FEAR I have been living in for the last ten years is monumental.
So this has been a very challenging and painful year for me, getting clean and seeing the ugly truth for what it is. I grieve the fact that I brought children into this mess. If I didn't have any, I'd have left this relationship a long time ago. Right now I choose to stay to keep my family together and allow me the space to work on my recovery but it is very difficult. I can also very clearly see my part in things and I'm currently working my Step 4 to get all my resentments down on paper and ask God to remove them.
My problem is that now I'm trying to detach from my partner and it is excruciating. I go to meetings three times a week, I'm socialising again, I'm working again (she frowned on both) and I'm asking for my needs to be met, but I still can't shake the GUILT that I feel when I leave her to sit on the couch and watch TV all by herself, which is the ONLY thing she's done for ten years.
I am trying to work out how to get to an Al-Anon meeting without arousing too much suspicion but I'd love to hear from anyone in a similar situation. Am I doing the right thing by getting on with my life?? I am so confused.
Merry Christmas Scalawag and welcome to the board...Getting on with our lives is what we were to do from the start and then for me I made decisions that were not in anyone's best interest and fell into a mess and then I continued to do the same thing over and over expecting different results until I missed the door with "Insanity" printed on the front and entered Al-Anon. Guilt is a default emotion in enabling for me because I give up management for another persons life and happiness and because I stop doing what I taught them I would always do for them. Additionally I became responsible to them and for them over the coarse of a long period of time and now have declared myself "done" without leaving them instructions on what to do for them selves while I am gone. When the people I enabled didn't know what to do next I realized how good I was at being overly responsible. We, they have choices and many alternatives as to what they can choose for themselves. When it is all over only you will be responsible for what your life became and how it ended. Get on with it!! Trust God...clean house...help others. Good luck on your forth and if you think there is more to look at you can always do it again. I've done 6 of them with the last one guided by my program sponsor and two spiritual sponsors...The motive was to look for the "tap root" of all of my defects. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Our recovery is also a program of attraction...your positive changes might become instrumental.
Thank you, so much, Jerry, for your reply. YES! I feel responsible for my partner. I never know what sort of a mood she's going to be in, so I paste on a happy face and act all chirpy to try and caretake her. I realise that in doing this, not only am I not allowing her to have her feelings but I'm not allowing ME to have MY feelings. It is a very dishonest state of being.
>Our recovery is also a program of attraction...your positive changes might become
instrumental.
Several people have suggested to me that she might notice the positive changes in me and take it as encouragement to do her own recovery but sadly I fear this is not the case. If anything, she has become more sullen and resentful towards me. It's very hard and heartbreaking to see someone who professes to "love" me treat me with such contempt and disdain.
Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will break my spirit. I never knew how broken I was before I came into recovery. I am slowly putting Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Scalawag, welcome to the board. You'll find a lot of understanding and supportive people here.
I've finally have accepted the I'm powerless over others. This acceptance has afforded me the time and space to get to know me - work on me. I only have the power to change myself. And yes, through my transformation I can, at times, influence others for the good. Sometimes not.
I hope you continue to not take the path of least resistance.
Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Even though we have a partner, we cannot make them strong, we have no control over them at all.
We do not have to be miserable to stay with them to keep them company.
The best relationships are ones where both are like two strong pillars holding up the same roof.
We must go on with our own maturing, with our own happiness, it is our choice! We grow until we die, or we can if we choose to.
It's hard to see our sig. other miserable. Hon my ex AH was so sad, never bathed anymore, always complaining,never laughed, never smiled. It was awful.
In the very end it was a relief to have him go.
With kids, it is good for them to see you shine! They need you to.
We are not responsible for anyones happiness but our own. Of course we like to please others, make them feel good. But unless they are open to it, its not going to happen.
We have a right to be who we are, go to meetings, read literature, take a class, have a Bible study, whatever. Just becuz we have a partner it does not stop our own growth or life.
If they cannot handle what we choose to do, that is not our problem either. We can do it without their support.
If we are adults, we don't have to answer to anyone else. I mean about things that are for our growth or lifeskills, happiness.
We talk about boundaries. What we can do is write down the things you are doing. I am going to meetings w t f. We have a group picnic saturday. and or the kids and I are going skating, to a movie. These are what I am doing. period.
YOu can discuss how you are choosing not to have anyone put you down, choosing positive in your life. For consequences, you will leave the room if she gets abusive or leave the house.
SET things that will happen if. then it is her choice. You chose to call me a bad name, my choice is I am taking a shower.
I am so proud of you for getting where you are! Feels good to mature and get some more growth under us.
It can go on until we are done here.
Keep coming!!! There are meetings here in the chat room. Ran just like regular ones.
I believe we all got here feeling respodsible for someone else's happiness and behaviors to the point we lose ourselves in thier disease. For me right now it is my son who is an addict.....wow talk about guilt when I started taking care of me and taking the microscope off him...I honestly almost left the program thinking what good will it do me. Well what it has done is give me my life back and put the focus on me instead of my son. He has just recently been released from jail where he was on the rehab unit. He has found a job and we have given him a timeline of 6 weeks to find his own place or go into a sober living home. He couldn't have cared less when I first started alanon until I started to change, I got stronger, set boundaries ect...that then came between him and his drugs and he didn't like that at all. But he is working his own recovery now and while it is not 12 step as I would have liked he chose another recovery program. I was powerless over his recovery or choices and had to give him the dignity of making his own choices good or bad and accepting the consequenses. I came here absolutly broken in a million pieces, i was just as if not sicker than my son by the time I hit my own bottom. The wonderful people of this program worked with me endlessly to put me back together and then to move on to start becoming the person I am meant to be. It is true that our recovery can aide in the recovery of others. I hope now than my son is clean and sober he can see he has a lot healthier mom than he had before and want that for himself. You spoke some of abuse in your home but I was a little unclear as to the extent of the abuse or who the perpretator of the abuse is or if it is both of you. Here is the only caution I would give you if you are in danger you must protect yourself and your children at all costs even if that means leaving. That is the only time in alanon we will give advice is if you are in danger. Know that the heathier you get the healthier coping skills your children will learn from you. Personally I would not allow the disrepect you aluded to from your daughter. You are the parent and I think as you work the program and start setting boundaries you can teach your children to treat you with the respect you deserve. If you find you are having problems getting to a alanon meeting, I would try as hard as I could to go anyway...but know that we have meetings here online twice daily that are awesome. I have no meetings in my area so all my recovery has been done online, obviously I would rather be in a face to face meeting but the love and support you will find here is immeasurable. You are no longer alone.....we understand as most cannot your feelings and your experiences. We are here to share with you our ESH (experience,, strenght & hope). I wish you all the best Keep coming back! Blessings
