The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...change, EVERYTHING CHANGES, with my feelings, thoughts, and contentment being on the top of the list for me right now. I've been wanting to post all week, a story of ESH, but alas, I waited too long, and here I am with a whole different topic feeling the need to get it out, get some feedback and move on.
It been 4 years since my marriage took a steep turn south (and I was actually aware of it), and much recovety has taken place for me since then. At the same time, the codependent part of me is always alert and ready to be stirred up into action. While I DO nothing, my thoughts do not go unaffected, and usually the only way I can relieve that burden is through al-anon, albeit MIP, my sponsor, a meeting.
We finally met with our attorneys on Tues. and finished our marital settlement. (This will be part of my ESH story.) Anyhow, the night before we met, exAH and I started communication about our teenage son who is giving up both fits. The topic, in addition to other sharing, continued after the meeting when we ran an errand together. He is engaged in the process if parenting now, following up. Bottom line is that finally he is showing to be the partner I always wanted. That sa, and making every effort to help. He is finally the partner I always wanted. That saiid, this is coming after 3 years sobriety, which included multiple weekly AA meetings and and individual and group counseling sessions.
So, he asks he can share Christmas morning here with me and the kids. While I want to protect what I was forced to create, I could not say no, for I know my kids would love it, and ultimately that is what it is about. Then, the other night he asked if he could stop by and visit my family on Christmas Day at my parents' house. That was a no, but actually what I said was "I don't know how you will be received." He said "okay' and looked kinda sad, and did so yesterday when he picked up and dropped off the kids. This is what leads me into my reason posting here.... WHY DO I CARE?
This man hurt me with infidelity as well as addiction. I see the addiction as illness, but the infidelity was certainly a knowing choice. He hurt me repeatedly. He abandoned me over and over. The woman and her kids live with him, but he gave me some indication the other day that all is not a happy family, with our son's behavior playing a part. I don't think he is faking it or even trying to give me a message. I think he just feels like he looks. Of course, I really have no idea what it is about. It could be about our son, for the way he looks is how I feel on the inside. Doesn't matter. Not my problem, but now, here it is Christmas and I don't want him to be unhappy. I cant beilieve that protective part of me still kicks in. After everything done and said... Wow! Time for detachment and to amp up my program!
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Saturday 25th of December 2010 11:35:41 AM
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Up until the time my exHA remarried, he would seem to come through just barely enough to keep me in the (proverbial) game. It kept me hooked and my emotions invested.
There was this tiny amount of hope that he would be one of the lucky ones to seek and have a solid working recovery. I know that it is possible- anything is possible. This, however, has not been the case and is not the case today.
My exHA remarried to someone in his AA group. Two weeks prior to the wedding he told me the wedding isn't carved in stone. Part of me has a sense he married because of neediness and fear of being alone. Since the wedding, he complains to my daughter about the new wife on the rare occasions he sees her. That said, he also gave an earful to his family about the terrible things (he fabricated) that I have done to hurt and take advantage of him.
I think my exHA is mostly a tortured soul and, prior to his remarriage, I invited him to be with us on the holidays. It was very awkward because he would disappear into himself.
There are times I feel badly for him too, but I try and refocus on what is going on in my life and what is in front of me. I have been checking what drives my thoughts and actions first. Just as with anyone, if I can be generous without it hurting myself, then I am ok with that.
The holidays can be difficult- I've been going to more meetings and working hard to focus on myself.
Hi, Your feelings are normal. It is Christmas and we all want to be giving and generous and happy. Even though your almost ex AH has been sober for 3 years you still have to be careful to not fall for his manipulations. It is hard for us, and even harder when they do finally get sober, to not start falling for the "dream" again. Hope springs eternal, but when we have been burned, we have to be very careful. Transfer your generous nature to something/someone else. Detachment, detachment, detachment. You know the drill..... Just having written it out helps you get it out of your system.
"WHY DO I CARE?" because you are a loving, caring person. That is the source of it. Keep that up and hold on to your changes because they are your recovery. Learning what you have learned and with what you now know as true you get to manage your choices for your serenity...the peace of mind and serenity of your family and for the others in this program that you help with your ESH. To thine own self be...true.
I have "known" you here for years Lou and I have to say that your ex has still not changed. You give him far FAR too much credit. His dysfucntional relationship is beginning to deteriorate and he sees you, getting healthy....the EXACT oppisite of his current GF and you look enticing. These "type" of men never leave one relationship without having another lined up. He is casting his net toward you because yours would be the easiest and best for HIM....NOT for you, NOT for the kids....
And you sound like you are still bonded to him. You have intellectually rationalized his behaviors and have found "peace" with them. Insted of focusing on yourself, your own healing and your own life, you have carried him along with you....for the sake of the kids or for HIS sake.
What about you Lou? When will it be YOUR turn? Not the kids and their acting out or their desires or what they would be happy with....what YOU want? What is best for YOU?
You still love him? You still have hope that he will change and come home? I am asking honestly because it took me years to figure out these answers in my own life....but once I did, I was truely free to live and love again.
I cared because I couldn't stand the thought of him on the path of recovery and leading a healthy life with another. I felt cheated and angry about that. I was terrified that someone else was going to experience the person that I always wanted. In my fixer mode I felt like I had failed in fixing him as well.
When he left me the last time I let him go. I realized that my thinking was distorted and that none of it mattered. I was still focusing on him. I worked my program and left him to work on his. When I started doing that and leaving him alone he worked his own program. We did end up reconciling and have gone through a tough few months, but with my program I am fine and the situation will be too.
I wish I could answer with certainty why you care. Then I would know why I care and maybe knowing for sure, having proof, beyond a shadow of a doubt, would make 'not caring', so to speak, easier...thus, making us (or maybe it's just me!) not agonize/feel bad ect..
Maybe "putting up' with it, works better than saying caring..
We are caring and compassionate people, but, there is a line. We cross that line. Well, I'll speak for myself here, I cross that line to where the caring bleeds into enabling bleeds into being manipulated.
From Alanon, these boards and spending hours and days reading through previous posts, reading books and online learning about codependency, alcoholism, therapy, learning more about behaviour ect.. one of the thing that ALWAYS jumps out at me.... is the justifying, done by us.
Sometimes I even know, I'm fully aware, that I'm justifying the A's behavior.
Sometimes I even think to myself while I'm in the middle of justifying: Well, I'm justifying cause I feel so stupid for staying with this man, I feel like this friend/coworker whoever I'm talking to is judging me, so I want others to feel sorry for him too, I'll thrown in how he bought me flowers once, so I don't come off as such a pushover....
I think I'm mad at myself for putting up with this crap. So, I make myself feel better by justifying why I do it.
Oh poor A, his dad was an A, it's in his genes, he had a crappy childhood, poor poor A. He was so wonderful before, he still brings me home flowers randomly, ect., he always remembers to feed the dog!
Really Danielle!! I think to myself...really! You're gonna keep the irresponsible, immature, selfish, obnoxious A around cause he feeds the damn dog!
All I know is the advice or thoughts I would have about a best friend in my situation - that advice that I know I'm not supposed to be giving - would usually be the opposite of what I am doing.
