The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here it is Christmas Eve. We are about to go to church together. AH has been recovering for several months. I am 99% sure he had some alcohol today. What's the 1%? The fact he hasn't admitted it. Motions, conversations and a change in talking all point to some alcohol. Not drunk but probably experimenting on how much he can get away with. A counselor told me a long time ago that the alcoholic will drink a little now and then. Love him, yet hate him for drinking. I know it is a disease, but this is my emotion. I feel so sad, Christmas is tomorrow, family comes over, I cook a wonderful dinner and suddenly I'm thrown into the how long can I deal with this, I deserve better, should I divorce, how will I make it on my own? Racing thoughts and anxiety overwhelm me. I go to meetings, I read my books. I would be so grateful for any thoughts.
Hi so sorry to hear he may be drinking tonight, thats the thing, how it drives us crazy, wondering, guessing, assuming, we even question our own sanity, yet they seem calm and sure, another storm, more chaos, try to detach and stay calm, its not easy, I know, but know that we are here and someone cares and understands.
I'm sorry you have this. Break things down into one day at a time to help manage the feelings of being overwhelmed. I know that when I start hitting lows, it is because I am focusing on what drives my fear... and my fear then grows. I start feeling better when I am able to focus on myself and how I can make things nice for me.
I was told last night that there are enough resources in the program and that I will be ok- that there are people who are happy to help me tackle my fears with solutions. Today I implemented my plan B.
Regarding divorce- you don't need to decide that unless there is a point when you want to. In the meantime, maybe you'll have an opportunity to volunteer or take classes that provide skills should you need to be self-reliant.
I was taught like WP has taught here...I master One Day at a Time by practicing it One Day at a Time. Over time that blossoms into much more and the gift of peace of mind and serenity becomes a daily thing. Wrap him up and take him back to God and turn him over and don't take him back. He isn't yours to manage today and never has or will be. Let go and Let God so that you can live one day at a time. Merry Christmas (((((hugs)))))
You master it by working it =one day at a time .. Focus on today enjoy what comes with the holiday just for today choose to be happy regardless of what he drinks or dosent drink . It seemed im possible for me to live one day at atime when i arrived here , but that was because i was always focusing on the bad stuff from the past .or worrying about what he was going to do tomorrow I missed a lot of great days focusing on some one elses disease. Ask for help from your higher power to stay focused on what is in front of you , when you find yourself slipping into what if ? ask for help to get out of there ,sounds silly but it works. Have a great day enjoy yur company . Louise
Wife, thank you.....just get thru one day at a time. I hear you :) You dont have to make any grand decisions today. Just get thru Christmas and try to enjoy it with your family...again, you dont have to make any grand decisions today :) blessings
If a single day seems like too much, break it down into smaller chunks - 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second at a time.
When you start that descent into fear and anxiety, try doing a mindless task - make the bed, take out the trash, sort some laundry - anything. I know it sounds silly, but it gives you something else to focus on until you can get a handle on your emotions.
As for decisions, make all you want - you don't have to act on them immediately, in fact you can then decide to change your mind.
There are so many here that have said so many wise things. What resonates with me is "here I am worrying about HIS disease and HIS life and I am missing MY life." Why do I have to miss my life? Is this about love and loving? I don't think so. I have to concentrate on my own life...my kids....my Christmas. Thanks to all of you. Mary
I learned in life, even without an A, one day at a time is the only way to go.
For me, I would do all I had to, or could do in one day, then I enjoy the time I have reading, watching movies, playing with the animals etc.
Like now I have a very hard thing going on. Trying to keep my home. I do what I can. I have a list on my computer,"Options/Notes. I think about things like what animals would go where, getting a hardship permit to live on someones property, what I would have to put in a garage sale, what to take.
Then I save it and come here. Figure out what to make for dinner. Let the other stuff go, already paid bills, did all I could.
ONE day. I don't think about tomorrow much. I might think about possible goals, where I may move etc. How can I adapt.
But I am here now enjoying my birds at the feeders, grooming my dogs etc.
With A, you think he drank. BUT how did the day go? What makes ya focus on that? Did his behavior ruin the day?
What if he had a brain tumor and was acting a bit mean, but then was ok, you went to dinner, loved on your family, he seemed happy, you were happy. ONE day.
tomorrow he may be stark raving drunk, but you have to do the dishes, pay some bills, go see a friend. ONE day.
Addiction tends to make us focus on that. It can be changed. We can change what we think about, where our energy can go.
When we do, we feel better.
I just thought how, ok so if I don't get to keep my home, then I am going to take control of my life, I am not leaving until Sept of 2011. I will file lawsuits whatever I need to do, and plan my move to my new home.
Makes me feel better. If I think about how I cannot see out my slider anymore to the mountains or hear the hawks in the trees, I change it to, I wonder what I will see out my windows? A herd of cows? A mountain range? Wall to wall fir trees?
He has his own life, and a right to it. Whether he drinks or not is none of my business. What is my business is putting money away to protect things, Look into not putting his name on anything.
Make a plan in case I do choose to not live with him/her anymore. Set it aside. A just in case, plan B.
I come here, people give me ideas, they support my hurting, they share the animal stuff.
ONE Day. I cannot live any other way. I talk to HP the creator alllll the time. I think ok I am older, I am not as strong, but he has given me tools to do things. I may take longer but I can do it.
Its ok to adapt. I am older, I would do better with less to have to do. Having this place alone is HUGE. so much to keep up.
So ONE day. I do what I can and enjoy that I have warm food, ice for my water, two toilets, warm water.
I have some income, not lots but some.
I hope this helps ya a little to see how to do it. I tell ya I used to go thru this high stress, cocoon up in my bed. I am NOT kidding. I could not move.
Life teaches ya stuff. It teaches ya how much we really can take yet be ok most the time.
For me ( and I am sure i have already told you this) it is our son who is an addict. He has just been released from a jail/rehab unit, found a job and while our boundary was that he could not come home this time, we flexed our boundary a bit and allowed him to come home with a 6 week time limit. Our plan was for him to right into a sober living home but he wants to try to go out on his own and we allowed him the dignity of that choice. He was unable to look for any places to live while he was in jail which is why we allowed him to come home where he has resources to find a place. If after the 6 weeks he hasn't found a living space than he will go to the sober living home. So he has been home about a week, has been working a lot of hours and of course i so badly want to revert back to my old behaviors of accusing, arguing etc....but I don't and my One Day at a Time mostly turns into one hour or one minute at a time. So far he has given us no reason to think he has been using but if I start projecting I can take the 1% you talked about and run with it. I am working hard not to look for the negative and enjoy the positive. Be easy on yourself and break up your day any way you need too Blessings
Thank you all. It is so comforting to know that I can come to this board between meetings and share my deepest feelings and emotions and know that you all understand and give me such good guidance. It helps me to heal. All the best to all of you in 2011!
