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I'm hoping that the members here will have some words of wisdom to knock some sense into me.
For the past couple of weeks, ABF has been going around announcing "I hate Christmas!" and "I hate shopping!", plus telling me that he's feeling depressed. A couple of times he's asked me to take him shopping (he doesn't drive) and I've agreed, but when the time comes he hasn't "felt like it" so it hasn't happened. When he mentions buying a gift for me, he always says "I don't know what to get you".
He complains about the whole Christmas shopping ordeal so much, I really started to feel that buying a gift for me was an unwelcome burden. So last night I was chairing our meeting, and I chose "resentment" as a topic. I was feeling pretty good about things in my own mind after the meeting.
That evaporated today. He asked me to take him shopping, and he bought all the gifts for his family. After that (less than an hour) he said that he was too tired to do any more -- as in, shopping for my gift -- so we just went home, and I helped him with his wrapping. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve of course, and I have a fair bit of visiting to do, so no time to take him shopping.
So I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, like I'm not worth enough to him to put in the effort.
It's not about getting a gift, as I'm definitely not materialistic -- it's the thought (or lack thereof, in this case) that counts for me. Unfortunately, I put a lot of emphasis on "effort" as an expression of caring. And I'm one of those people who carefully chooses "perfect" gifts, which I do out of love.
Of course, his sobriety is the most important thing to me; Dec 25 will mark a year for him, which is an incredible achievement. But do I have to sacrifice every other aspect of a relationship in favour of sobriety?
I'd really like to get this wounded self-pity nonsense out of my head!
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
The opposite of resentment is forgiveness....don't like feeling resentful practice the forgiveness they cannot occupy the same place and time together. The Al-Anon gem for me about expectations is "Expectations are future resentments" LOL you are right there so what is the opposite of expectations? Gratitude is one for me cause when I work that one I've already got all I need...another is good ole detachment and the law of acceptance once taught by my sponsor..."Kill all expectations and accept things as they are...if then what you desire doesn't come along you won't be hurt and if it does you will be pleasantly surprised". I think the man became a saint and left home. LOL (((((hugs)))))
However, perhaps your BF doesn't value giving or receiving gifts as much as you do.
That's certainly a possibility. He seems to enjoy getting them, but once the hubbub is over I will have to ask him. Maybe we can just agree not to exchange gifts, and avoid this in future.
I don't know about taking advantage of me, but there are times when he seems to be taking advantage of his recovery to play the fragile flower when it's something he doesn't want to do (hence my resentment). We'd had a bit of a conversation about the gift-giving thing earlier, and he was balking at going shopping. He said, "Well I could always drink..." I told him that if my choice was between getting a gift or him relapsing, of course I'd choose his sobriety -- but it felt manipulative, like a threat.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Jerry F wrote:..."Kill all expectations and accept things as they are...if then what you desire doesn't come along you won't be hurt and if it does you will be pleasantly surprised".
Yeah, that had sunk in for me at last night's meeting, and eluded me again at some point today.
Thanks for the reminder!
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
My comments are purely based on my own experiences but it was explained to me by several shrinks that have treated my former partner that she is an adult child.
Basically she started drinking quite young and hasnt developed as an adult with regard to money management, decision making, relationships, and outlook on life bla bla bla..........................
Not sure if the above applies to your situation but I protect myself by remembering the above and not taking too seriously anything she does or says, as in I dont take it to heart.
They just dont think or act like the rest of us when they are drinking..................
He has been an alcoholic since his teens, and there are indeed many ways he still resembles a teenager more than an adult, particularly when it comes to responsibilities.
It just ticked me off that he managed to pull it together long enough to buy gifts for his family members, but that I'm supposed to "suck it up" and be understanding. *sigh*
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I am so glad you started this topic. It really does feel crappy to not get a christmas gift. my AH is in rehab right now. there are gifts for eveyont under the tree for his living relatives ( I wrapped them) but not one for me. I guess I could cry and cry about it. At times I want to but being new to Al-anon I think the first step is to just accept the situation. I am trying to keep up a brave face for my daughter (she's 5). I haven't studied buddhism in years but I remeber how to get to my zen place. I can feel angry, sad, releived, whatever but the important thing is to feel it and then make a decision to hold it or let it go. For me the hardest part is not holding a grudge. I keep planning the future and how he will never day he is sorry that he spend Christmas in rehab...but it is a silly negative road to go down blaming him and myself. I also have a had time staying positive. I am normally a silver lining type person. I am a risk taker. However, this whole realization that I am in a marriage and my family is now consumed by this disease it's tough to stay positive. Just keep swimming... I didn't mean to hijack your thread but to say thank you for starting dialogue about what I have been thinking about and struggling with.
Resentment is obviously not a place we want to be stuck in.
That said, I'm not sure it would be good to feel all right about being given the cold shoulder by your BF. It's true, some people just don't value gift-giving. But they ought to be clear about it: "I'm sorry, I know other people love the whole present thing, but it's just not for me. I do love you and I want you to feel cared for, but I can't do presents." And if they show their love in other ways, maybe that's okay.
But if it's a part of a larger pattern of being withholding, maybe the fact that you mind is a sign that things are not right for you. Dwelling on resentment isn't useful, but looking at dissatisfaction can be useful. Are you getting what you want out of this relationship? Sometimes we're so happy that they've stopped drinking that we think now everything's in place for a great relationship. Sometimes it isn't.
I've had two boyfriends who were cold about gift-giving. One ridiculed me for caring. The other said I was trying to control him. In both cases, that was just the tip of the iceburg about their lack of warmth and giving. When they gave, they wanted it to be absolutely on their terms (what might be meaningful to me wasn't part of the picture). In both cases, they almost made me think that I was petty to care so much. But what I realized at last was that my resentment was about the larger patterns in the relationship. That saying about "You teach people how to treat you." By trying to make myself not care, I was teaching them that my needs and wants didn't matter in the relationship. I tried so hard to make them not matter. It didn't work.
So -- maybe time to think about the larger picture? If it's good, then maybe this is a mere detail and you can get warmth and love from his other actions. If it's not good, well, that's something to think about.
Last year, my exHA purchased an $8,000.00 engagement ring for his fiance (now new wife) and over $1,000.00 of gifts, but not so much as a card for our 19 year old daughter. I do not think he will have anything for her this year either. They just don't think like other people.
Everyone is right about resentment being a bad place to park ourselves. Good post!
Mattie, some very thought-provoking ideas there. That is very much an area in which I struggle, having grown up in an A home believing that I and my needs and wants weren't worthy of consideration, so I sometimes wonder if my expectations are too high or too low. I definitely don't want to "not matter" in another significant relationship.
Yet there are a couple of friends to whom I give birthday and Christmas gifts every year; there have certainly been times when they haven't been able to reciprocate because of financial circumstances, and it doesn't bother me one bit. I really don't care whether I get anything from them, because my joy is in giving TO them. So there is something else in play here with the ABF, and that's what I have to examine.
Bud, I'd find it a lot easier to feel resentment on behalf of a child who got left out, especially when ADad is throwing so much money at the new woman.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I've given your post a lot of thought since I initially replied.
While I think it's possible that your A doesn't value gift giving as you do, I think it's more likely that he isn't mature - he is still like a teenager - selfish, only thinks of his needs, etc. (My edAH is 58 years old and is still has a teenage mentality).
Any who..... I think Mattie hit the nail on the head. It's more about what's going on inside you then him. I, too, grew up thinking that my wants and needs were not important. At 56, I'm still struggling with the concept. I still struggle with the thoughts of being selfish when I consider my needs/wants.
So yeah, perhaps push aside resentment because it absolutely doesn't do you any good, and delve inside to see what's going on.
My two cents.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
So last night I was chairing our meeting, and I chose "resentment" as a topic. I was feeling pretty good about things in my own mind after the meeting.
