Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Helping children deal with the alcoholic parent
Post Info TOPIC: Helping children deal with the alcoholic parent
Shelly


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:
Helping children deal with the alcoholic parent
Permalink  

Hi there, I am married with four children, two from previous father and my two youngest to their alcoholic father (still in denial), 4 yrs and the youngest 2mths. My eldest is 15 and then 11. The older children are fully aware of their step fathers drinking and the 4yr old is becoming more aware. I had attended alanon meetings about a year ago, but now its hard with the baby, meetings are at night and 40kms away. But I do remember the positive affirmations and the 3 c's. Mostly I am trying to help my children not to become emotionally damaged by the hurtful comments and digs that my husband starts on when he has been drinking. I've made boundaries but lately they seem to be sliding, we have been separated several times and his parents are supportive to me, although they live 1 1/2hrs away. I only have my elderly mum who's in a nursing home, I also homeschool the children, and at the mo, A is out of work awaiting a specialist referal for an arm issue, so not able to work. He also has 2 1/2 more years without a license. I am a fairly new christian by a couple of years, A is not although doesn't mind me attending fellowship where I gleen most of my support. But I feel my children are having the hardest time trying to deal with A's issues. I have shown my 11yr daughter some of alanon's help but feel I'm out of my depth. Have also recently moved my 15yr old son into a caravan where he is much happier having his own space. Have heard of Alanteen but there are no meetings near us. Are there any books that others would reccommend?

__________________
failte


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 141
Date:
Permalink  

HI Shelley and welcome I am not familiar with books for teens, but am sure someone else will help, there are links on the website you can click on, also browse Amazon as they give reviews to their books which I find really helpful and you can buy used books on there.

I just wanted to say hi and to welcome you, you are now with people who know and care.

Failte

__________________
sunflowergirl


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 523
Date:
Permalink  

I do know that it says on the alanon website that where there is not an alateen meeting, the teen can attend the alanon meeting. I also know that when I have been to meetings, some people have brought their children with them because the kids had no where else to go. I am sure you could bring a baby if you needed to.... that said, there are also online meetings here, I believe every day at 9am and 9pm (eastern time here in the USA). Then on the weekends its 10am and 9pm. You can also use this board, as I have had to, because of time constraints. I also read the books Courage to Change, The Language of Letting Go and Getting Them Sober. Welcome here and keep coming back!

__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.  -Buddha

The past has flown away.  The coming month and year do not exsist.  Ours only is the present's tiny point.  -Mahmud Shabistanri
kerry5


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 276
Date:
Permalink  

Hi,

There is teen meetings on this site in the familyteens section.  Website is www.12stepforums.net, our online Teen meetings are every Tuesday at 9pm est.  We also have online alanon meetings in the alanon room on the same site twice a day
Mon -Fri 9am and 9pm est Sat 10am and 9pm Sun 10am and 7pm.

There are alateen books out there also.  The daily reader for alateen is A Day At A Time in Alateen,  The big book is called Hope For Children Of Alcoholics, also a book for young kids maybe even older ones its called what's drunk mama.  i read it to my children when they were  younger, it is just about 12 pages. 


hope this has helped you



Kerry (aka Kerisha)

__________________
Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Speck


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 31
Date:
Permalink  

 Hi Shelly


My heart goes out to you sweetie.................................

 

No kids directly involved in my situ and its still hell.

 

Im no expert but you must put your kids and yourself first, the A must want to help himself.

Advise is always easier said than done of course especially when you are involved with the A.

 

Speaking personally - I just wouldnt want to look back in years to come and wish Id taken action sooner that I did to protect my kids, they will grow up and reflect on it too.  My partners sisters are in this position and resent the mother for not protecting them as much as they hate the father for the abuse.

 

Who invented booze I for one would like a serious word with him/her!!!

 

Good luck and stay strong xxxxxxxxxx



-- Edited by Speck on Saturday 25th of December 2010 02:44:07 AM

__________________

She only drinks to make me more interesting
Shelly


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:
Permalink  

Thankyou all, have joined the website Kerry5 has recommended and will encourage my daughter to join so she has somewhere to vent and also talk to others her own age in the same situations. Will look up the suggested books too, I know every little bit helps, even just being able to chat hear gives me empowerment. I hadn't mentioned in my first post but I have recently attended some councilling and have a followup one to go to. Am seriously considering all my options as I know my children are looking to me to keep them safe and healthy emotionally. This is really important for my eldest son as he has ADHD and would often be on the receiving end of A's jives and digs when drunk. Very demoralising for a young adult who is easily brought down by his own self thought failings. I guess my biggest hangup seems to be my faith which teaches that I embrace life's trials and tribulations and that we grow stronger through them. But like Speck says, I don't want my children to grow up resenting the fact I didn't do anything to protect them. My daughter especially seems very angry already although she is also just going through the grieving process from loosing her father to suicide just before she was born. So many issues - where do I start?

__________________
Laurustine


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  

"Mostly I am trying to help my children not to become emotionally damaged by the hurtful comments and digs that my husband starts on when he has been drinking. "

You are part of the problem. By keeping them in this situation and attempting to help them to mitigate the harm!? you are placing your personal relationship needs with your spouse over the developmental needs of your children.

Look to the future. They will leave. I promise you unless they are so damaged that they literally cannot survive on their own they will get as far from your dysfunction as possible. You'll be left with what you placed first.

The codependent cycles which are apparently incredibly addictive, and a marital relationship that revolves around the dependence and disease of you both.


__________________
Shelly


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:
Permalink  

Can I ask have you been to any Alanon meetings or know any of the principles? Alanon is meant to be a supportive place you can come to that is non judgemental or critical of others situations. Please be careful where you lay blame as anger is very damaging to others as well as yourself. I hope that you can find this group to be caring and supportive to you too.

__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Helping children deal with the alcoholic parent