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I really need advice. My AH isn't going to AA or has admitted to having a problem. I have just found al anon and after returning to my materital home after a few weeks seperation I'm trying to get me head around how to go forward. My AH doesn't drink every day and can go months not touching a drop but when he does start he won't stop and it goes on for days with the usual stuff, ppl drink too slow so he needs to sit with 2 drinks, he buys 2 lots of alcohol for house in case he gets sick of beer and wants something sweet (he ends up drinking it all) then comes the just one curer the next day that turns into 3 days drinking, hiding drink in the shed or going to his mums etcetc.
Xmas is comin up and I'm not sure wether to not buy my usual wine or go to parties etc and drink normally. As I said he isn't at a stage of dealing with his problem so do I just carry on as normal? I don't want to lecture or not buy my wine or go to parties for fear of him seeing this and thinking I'm trying to do the oh I'm so riteous stuff.
We have had a talk and he knows I am going to my meetings and he does think he has 'issues' with drink but he is balimg tablets he is on for depression as the cause and has taken himself right off them and Is telling me he is sleeping much better and is now cured. I know all this is to try and convince me and himself he can control things. I haven't made any comment apart from askin him just to let his doctor know he has come completly off the tablets. I know this is a horrendous decicion he has made but I can't try and tell him what to do anymore. He would just bite my head off anyroads.
I have so rambled on here I know but I needed that off my chest
When my A was not in recovery I drank as usual. I would buy a bottle of wine if I wanted to drink, or some coolers. I did drink them with him there. I did not allow his untreated disease to determine what was best for me and when.
When he went into recovery I did not have any alcohol in the home and did not drink in front of him. I was supportive to his recovery. I did have a glass of wine if out for dinner with a friend.
Now he does not care if I have alcohol in our home. He says he has no desire anymore to drink, has accepted his disease and just doesn't have an issue with it. If he did have an issue with it, I would not do it.
I would love to talk with you! You're the first person to mention the connection with anti-depressants! This is long and complicated, but basically my AH took himself off his clonazepam and Effexor (we were separated for two months). When he came off, he acted so differently and made so many promises. I took him back into the house. My summer was HELL, watching him withdraw from these drugs and he acted scary, aggressive and for lack of better words...mentally insane (If you get a chance, look on You Tube for some videos on clonzepam withdrawal...scary). He insisted he was now "CURED" (from alcohol). I knew better, but couldn't help but think that just maybe he was right...as it took a few months to get back into his old patterns of drinking. He used to admit his alcoholism...but now he steadfastly denies being an alcoholic...HOWEVER...in the past two weeks he has had 2 forty-ouncers...(umm...is THAT not a sign?!).
As for the drinking in front of him? I plan to buy what I want and drink what I want. I will not get drink in front of him, but from now on if I want to have 1-3 drinks I will do it. I don't know what Al-Anon says (although I have been going for 10 months), but I am sick and tired of changing who I am for him. It may sound like I am not supportive, but after more than ten years of doing everything I think I need to to make sure he stays healthy and then seeing him do whatever he wants anyways...I see whether or not I drink doesn't really matter. He will drink anyways. That being said, I am a light drinker now...so it's not like I am bringing stuff into the house all the time.
Very curious to know what the other answers will be.
HI guys and welcome to the newbies, the amount of time over the years my husband just went off anti depressants, for no reason, while he was on them sometimes for up to 2 years he drank as normal then blamed the antidepressants for not curing him and stopped taking them, just last week he went back to the doctor and got prozac.
I took a different avenue, seeing as I didnt drink a lot at all, maybe once every 2 years, so in an effort (at first) to support him, I stopped altoghther and wouldnt have it in the house or allow anyone to drink in the home, however, this made no difference at all, and if someone came and he was dry while they visited he was really edgy and moody,
now looking back I see nothing encourages, supports, makes a difference, so say if I did want a drink over this Christmas I would have one, their disease is their own to do what they want with it, if they were diabetic I wouldnt stop eating chocolate, would you?
i personally havent drank in yrs , but our sons do not drink in front of thier dad to support his sobriety , thier dad never asked them not to its just a choice they made for themselves. We dont have a policy on drinking or not thats up to the individual a personal decission . Sobriety is one thing still drinking themselves is another just do what feels right for you .
My alcoholic wife use to chase my drinking and had mentioned on occasion that she wished she could drink like me. I stopped drinking before getting into Al-Anon because it just wasn't fun anymore. Everyone I knew also knew that alcohol wasn't a food source and that it is a mind and mood altering chemical so I wasn't having fun drinking with her around. She got drunker, faster and the trouble just over whelmed us and besides I was hating the habit of babysitting a drunk anyhow. After I stopped and got into Al-Anon I started learning about alcohol and alcoholism. Alcoholism isn't curable; it is only arrested by total abstinence. Alcohol and drugs are synergistic very often meaning the alcohol multiplies the power of the drugs that are being used with it; the effect can be and often is fatal. When I found out what alcohol was doing to my wife's person and body I also learned that it was doing the same thing to me...hair on my head down to my toes...it doesn't miss a cell and can and will go thru barriers the body sets up to block stuff from reaching the brain and such.
I use to minimize alcohol and it's affect on me and also justify why I could and should and why she couldn't or shouldn't. Today just for me I don't and haven't since I got into program. Also after 9 years of not drinking in Al-Anon and after the alcoholic wife was gone and after college I discovered I was alcoholic also; by inventory and by assessment. I have reached overdose with it 3 times never intending to and I didn't feel a thing (it's an anesthetic...and...a depressant). So today I only drink non-alcoholic drinks (zero alcohol). The other day I had to pour out a half pint of Jack Daniels that a renter left in a property I manage...The odor and fumes ran up my arm as I was doing it and entered my nose and psyche. It was a Scifi event for me...remembering when, what I learned and what I do now.
By the way my alcoholic wife got sober way back when and I hope and pray she is still there. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you all for your replies. I was a bit worried when I had lots of readers and no replies but I have since relaised I think we are on major time zone diffrences here?
I didn't realise this was an American/Canadian( am I correct??) site as I live in the UK! duh!
I am going to see how things go over Xmas and if I want to have a drink I will. If or maybe I should be positive and say when my AH decides to seek help I have no issue removing Alcohol from my life.
I imagine taking alcohol out of my whole life may be hard due to social invites etc but I am prepared to work through this to help my Ah because I love him and I know he is a good person. he just has a sick disease he has not got the courage to face yet.
Thank you all so much, you have no idea how good it feels to be welcome on here and not judged. To have someone who understands is so amzing xx
I was in alanon before AA so insight into my own drinking came later for me. I was busy pointing the finger at others before tacking my own issue with drink. If drink is an issue, I might ask myself someone questions about that, I had quite a heavy social scene going on, and then it progressed, quite quickly I might add. I do not have alcohol in my home now and am working on my recovery in AA and Alanon. Would it be the end of the world if you could not take a drink again?
Personally what I would do if I were in your shoes is, if your husband is still drinking I wouldn't change my own habits. If he were in recovery I would likely in his support not drink around him. For us it is our son who is an addict and yes we have certainly changed the way things worked in our home. We have never been much of drinkers, except in our much younger days so not having or drinking alcohol in our home or around him is not a sacrifice for us. Our son is in recovery at the moment and I must remember recovery holds no promises, my husband and i are both disabled and are on medications that my son would be very interested in to say the least. We have found a way to secure our medications from him, he never even sees us bring them into our home. That may not be the right way to do things but he is fighting the battle of his life and i see no reason to put temptation in front of him, he has enough temptaion on the outside. Hope all works out well for you and you start atteding meetings and start focusing on you and getting yourself healthy Blessings
For me it wouldnt be the end of the world, and lets say for argument sake if my hubby or son had ever asked me NOT to have alcohol in our home or not to drink around them I would have understood that completely and obliged, I did have a period of about 3 years where I didnt drink and would not allow alcohol in the home to show them that I wanted to support them, or to show my son that I didnt like or want alcohol around me, but it didnt make any difference.
I can go to any social event and drink soft drinks, I have never had to have alcohol, however if I am out with friends and staying at their home, I can just have a few drinks and leave it at that, however I do hate alcohol, I was raised on it and around it, and have seen the damage it can do, so I prefer to keep well away from it.
Fallon
I am in the UK, and yes there is a major time difference at play!!!
