The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This past Sunday in Church, my Pastor was delivering a sermon about commitment. He, in his 30 years of age and 10 years of marriage, went on to tell the congregation how he didn't always like his wife, but he loved her, he made a commitment to her, to love her, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. He made that comittment and in todays times, it seems as though for many, when they stop "liking" their spouse, they figure it is time to move on and find something or someone else that gives us that "in love feeling" again. He put himself out there so far as to say that perhaps if more people understood a loving commitment is different than "liking" all the time, our divorce rates would go down. This was a seguay into God's love is based on commitment and doesn't turn his back on us when we do unlikeable things....
Of course, me sitting in the back corner, currently divorcing my ah, this gave me pause, for a moment. Knowing that I never wanted to divorce my ah, but I am, left me with some different thoughts on divorce, than what my Pastor was sharing. I am not divorcing my ah out of hate, out of dislike, out of the need for something new. I am not divorcing my ah because I don't have a commitment to him. I am divorcing my ah out of love. I love myself and I don't want to live in the chaos anymore. I love my son and I don't want him raised in a tense, angry, anxious household. And i love my ah. This divorce has nothing to do with not loving him. I do not want any of us living in turmoil anymore. If ah decides to continue the turmoil (which seems to be the case) that is his choice and he will have consequences to that. I choose not. And I will have consequences to that.
My divorce, as was my marriage, is out of love. I have not turned my back on my ah. I have simply stopped turning my back on myself.
What a strong courageous person you are, I am sure you will give hope to everyone on this board, I understand what the pastor was saying and of course in this day and age we do tend to move on quickly if we are not happy etc, but its not to be mistaken for the wrath of being married to an A, the pain, dysfunction, heart break, let downs, turmoil, etc etc etc.
Hi Rora, when I divorced my ex husband who was a compulsive gambler I felt as though I could walk away with my head held high. I had been in a that relationship for 17 years and had really tried my best to make it work. However it takes two. Today my ex husband lives with the consequences of not choosing recovery and his family and there is not resentment between us just sadness.
I do believe in comittment and struggled with guilt someone said to me when we say in sickness and health the other person also has choices to get the help the need. We do not donate our life and happiness to another. I would have stayed married and worked hard stayed committed if he was committed too and did his share of the work but he made the choice not too.
If when I make a dicision I am doing it for good reasons not from resentment then today I feel o.k with that.
My current partner is an A in recovery my son asked me why I stay with him but never with his father. I explained as above that my A is in recovery and trying to get better and that his father did not want at that time to recover. He seemed happy with this and seemed to understand.
Today I love me and I try to support my partner but I only get one life and I believe my HP wants me to do what is right for me and my children while being kind and compassionate towards others.
I completely see what your pastor is saying as I feel strongly the same way. I also feel that we are to care for ourselves and allow others to do the same. My road is to be shared with another and if that person is no longer the person I married, I need to make decisions for the betterment of myself and children.
Divorce as you say does not have to mean we are not a committed person, but at times that we are not married to a committed person that has the ability to love themselves.
To me in sickness and in health does not apply to those that are sick but unwilling to get better.
What a courageous and difficult decision you are making.
(((Rora))) What you are doing is right for you. It had to be a heart wrenching decision for you and took a lot of courage. Sometimes the "a" in our lives can not choose sobriety for whatever reason and we have to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Not an easy choice any way you look at it. Peace to you...
I had/ have similar feelings as you when I divorced my exHA after 20 years of marriage. I agree with the contents of the sermon, but I do not think it applies to harmful situations. I do not think it is intended to mean taking care of another person at all costs.
After torturing myself about it for a long time, I have come to believe that my HP does not want me to be in harm's way or to be continuously suffering. I am divorced and still love my exha, but now I know he has his own HP to take care of him.
Thanks so much for your post. I completely understand your reasons and only within the last few weeks have started to seriously consider and understand the idea that me and my AH might not be able to work it out. I haven't been loving myself at all lately and things are going to need to change.
You are a wonderfully strong woman. THanks for sharing.
I think what your pastor may have been conveying is that our society has become so disposable that we no longer take out commitments seriously. And in a way that is true. Many people use divorce as a first option rather than the last option. In your case Your HP does not want you living a chaotic, umanagable life. I am sure without this disease you and your husband would try as hard as you could to get past the "bad times". But when you are in a relationship with an A you are pretty much alone in that relationship. A's may want to do thier best but bottom line is they are sick. So I wouldnt take his sermon to personally. I am sure you have tried everyway to make things work and unless you live with an A you cannot give that broad kind of sermon. I think he was probably talking about people who arent willing to work on thier commitments. You must do what is right for you And knowing that you still love and care about your husband tells me this was not an easy decision for you. I wish you the best Blessings
When I think about my marriage and subsequent divorce, the one thing I tell myself often is when I got married, I did it with the intention of staying married - but it ended up turning out I had dedicated myself to someone who turned out to be a complete stranger to me. No one that I know of gets married with the thought running through their head of "Oh, I'll just give it a try. If I get tired of it, we'll just divorce."
It is perfectly okay to divorce someone and choose to love them and accept them for who they are from a distance. It is not okay, for me, to stay with someone that triggers consistent stress and heartbreak at every interaction - it is not a good situation for EITHER spouse. I honestly don't think that's what God wants us to go through. The only clear message I've ever received from my HP is "I just want you to be happy." There was never any "I want you to stay married and duke it out to the very end."
To me, what the pastor is asking is for us to be God - because honestly, to me, God is the only being capable of forgiving adultery, dishonestly, abuse from someone who has absolutely no intentions to change.
I've learned the hard way that while it's admirable to aspire to treat others as God would treat them, that I also can get myself into a lot of trouble setting supernatural expectations on my human shoulders. All I do is create stress for myself and self-pity. And I've learned the hard way many times that I'm NOT God, I do not have that kind of power.
God just wants me to do the best I can.
For me, that was also doing all that I knew I could to try to see if I could stay married to my exAH and live a happy, serene life. I left no stone unturned. I finally found that it was just not meant to be, and I'm pretty sure that God was telling me it's time the AH and I parted ways - to get out of each other's hair. We'd learned enough from each other. I left the marriage feeling good and at peace with my decision. I knew I did all that I could, and I feel good about that. I didn't leave the marriage out of fear, rage and anger. I left it out of self-love.
Leaving a marraige is never easy, I was devastated when I left my hubby, I still loved him very much, we were a very close loving couple, and spent a lot of time together, he was never abusive with alcohol and in some ways it seemed really cruel to me to have to leave a marriage that was other wise working very well, thats what hurt the most that we WERE happy, content, we never really argued about things and got on well, we always enjoyed being together and laughed a lot.
People who knew us said how in love we seemed, and my friends were envious and would tease me about my "perfect love" thats what made it all the more confusing and hurtful then when he made the promises and broke them, we were both devastated, but I felt I had come to the end of the road, had done enough begging, crying, pleading, believing, trusting, it had to stop, it was making me very sick.
My first marraige was very abusive but still I tried really hard to make that work too, but I fell out of love very quickly with this man, so when I left there was nothing to miss, however, if he had of gone into recovery, I would have stayed with him, as we had a child together, and though I was not in love with him, I could have put my own feelings aside, I wouldnt have been doing that as a sacrifice I would just have been accepting that marraige isnt all roses, and I would have just got on with it, but he couldnt and wouldnt change, and I had to leave and again it was very difficult and destroyed me for different reasons to my second husband.
all this pain/hurt and brokeness because of the sickness of alcohol,
failte
-- Edited by failte on Tuesday 21st of December 2010 01:32:47 PM
Hard topic this time of year for me. My anniversary is the 24th. My AHsober left over five years ago saying that he was not happy and that the purpose of life is happiness. This was after 30 years of marriage. He is not in recovery. He says that he wants a divorce but has never filed. I do miss all those things that we did together as a couple and as a family. I am doing well. Married or not the pain and sadness and disappointment is always there.
Wow! what a wonderful post.....so very true I'm sure it a lot of our cases. We have to do what is right for us and our children, and living in a sickness is not good for anyone, and as you put it, it can be out of love. Thank you for sharing!!
My first ex husband was a cheater, and did not stop cheating, so I ended up divorcing him for that reason. I don't even consider that a marriage, since he cheated so much of the time and actually left me with our then 2 year old son for another woman (18 year old girl). Well my next husband, I just recently divorced because he was a rage-aholic and would not change his abusive ways. I don't mean just us arguing, I mean I was pushed on the floor, things were thrown at me and the fights were the scariest things ever. Punching, screaming, yelling, no love.... that marriage felt like one big screaming crazy fight of rage and I don't consider that a marriage either. There are sufficient reasons to leave a marriage and the reason you are leaving has nothing to do with what your pastor was talking about. Good for you. Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I think that any clergy would agree that the contract between husband and wife does not include Alcoholism.
Actually I have read some books on what Pastors agree on what would be grounds for divorce and alcoholism was listed. Not that anyone needs a book to get approval on whats right for their life. Thats between you and your God.
I also parted from the AH 2 1/2 years ago and I still loved him when I did. Still do, but in a different way. Divorce will be final soon.
I understand what your Pastor was talking about as far as people not being committed , thats not the problem with us Alanon's, we are over committed to the point of loosing and harming ourselves.
You are doing whats right for you and as long as you stick wtih your HP you can never be wrong.
Rora, my reasons for divorcing my exAH are quite similar to yours that you expressed. After 35 years of trying, I finally admitting that divorce was better for us, even though he doesn't agree. Two of his aunts recently told me that I "stayed too long" for my own good." These are his aunts that love him very much, but both realize the negative impact of living with an A.
I'm not filled with resentment or hatred. I went through those feelings while we were still living together. I waited until I "divorced out of love." I'm filled with sadness much of the time. But I'm working my way through it. This is my first Christmas as a divorcee. While the house is quiet and peaceful now, I still entertain thoughts of how it could have been. I strive to entertain thoughs of what is - still a work in progress.
My current feelings towards ever sharing my personal space with another man is - not in a million years.
To all of you, I hope you find peace, love and joy this holiday season and throughout 2011. Bless you all. Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
....And another thing (this thread got me started) LOL...the vows were made by two people at the same time for the same reasons. Alot of times for a lot of reasons the person divorcing is the second or last one to leave the marriage. The alcoholic or addict leaves the marriage first, has another relationship (drinking/using) more important than the one with a spouse. So there!! my two cents. Take what you like and leave the rest. Grateful. (((((hugs)))))
I've been struggling with the decision of whether or not to divorce my AH. All of the things you wrote about are what I have been mulling over and worrying about. Am I turning my back on him? What about our vows? I did say in "for better or for worse". I love him still, but I worry about our little one's safety, especially while I am away for work and I'm not sure I can get back to the point where I can trust him again. Thank you for your thoughts, Rora!
