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I am aware of enabling and try hard to avoid doing things that enable my A. The problem is that I feel like a really mean person when I don't do something put to me as a "favor".
by favors - I mean things like please drive me to the mall so I can buy my gifts. Please drop off my dry-cleaning (and pick it up when it's done). Finish the computer work before the club meets tonight. Come out to lunch with me (which means I need to pick up and drop off).
I feel really mean if I don't do these favors. And it's not in my constitution to let promised work go to outside people. To be fair, sometimes I drop the ball, and A will finish for me.
A is not drunk daily - binges every couple of weeks, so things proceed well between binges. But there are many dysfunctional dependent behaviors all the time.
I'd like to break the dependency (on me) cycle. But if I say no, I feel very mean. I feel like it's not a healthy relationship to not help each other with favors.
Please help me realize how to feel good about myself while letting A struggle a little.
I've used this quote to help me, but it reminds me what to (not) do, doesn't appease my guilt. Quote ==> "Lack of Planning on your part does not constitute and Emergency on my part".
Welcome, I understand where your coming from, having just spent 23 years of doing EVERYTHING for my hubby and son I arrived at a place where I just didnt want to do it anymore, I wasnt comfortable about stopping either as I like to do things for them, but what happened was remarkable, my son is thriving on his new found independance and has taken to it very well, so has my husband, he did struggle a bit as he works full time, but they seem better in themselfes more independant.
I think my son knew it wasnt sitting right with him to have me do everything, though he would happily let me, I think he knew deep down he should have been doing more, its like setting them free, its STILL doing them a favour not to do it, so try to think of it like that, that you are still helping him and still doing him a favour by NOT doing so much.
I struggle with this one. I have a boundary with my A that I will not lend him money.
It has been working really he is in recovery and becoming more and more indepoendent not asking me for support as much. With christmas in a few days his money looks like it may be a little late he wants to borrow the money for A DAY OR SO.
but I must stick to my boundary what if he had a slip tomorrow and nver payed me back I would be resentful but it would bemy own fault. Plus I am sending the message that I do not mean what I say. because he is worried he got a bit upset and said that he would remember this next time I need a favour. I feel so uncomfortable but I am learning in recovery that my new behaviuors do feel uncomfortable I just try and still do it anyway and next time it is easier. You are not a bad person for looking out for your needs that is healthy, plus our Partners are adults they need to solve own problems. It is my hope to one day have an independent partner how can he ever be that if I keep acting like he is a eedy child.
thanks for your share it has really made me feel better about sticking to my boundary.
"doing him a favour by NOT doing so much" You have a good point. I use that approach with my boy. I figure it is my job as a parent to teach him how to live well on his own. He's cooking a bit and cleaning a lot and keeping up with his studies.
But I don't use that approach with my A. Besides there's the manipulation and expectations that I'll follow through - my boy hasn't developed that yet.
Funny - I've had discussions with several parents about the "sense of entitlement" their children have. My child knows that my money and my stuff is mine. He has to ask to use things and knows that his allowance is to buy the little things he needs - candy and trinkets. He has never whined for impulse items at the check out.
Things are less defined with and adult; and a lot of time, things would reflect badly on me if they go unfinished. I've learned that his behavior style is what is called "passive aggressive". I (or someone else) asks him to do something - for example, print address labels for the community group. He eagerly volunteers - I tell him far ahead that I don't have time/ labels whatever to do it; that he'll have to get it done - reply "I will". Then a day before the group's meeting, he calls, all frantic, because he needs me to go buy labels, or he got labels yesterday and needs me to print them - when? - Today, of course. I will drop everything, and do it because in this case, the task is assigned to both of us in the meeting minutes. I feel if I don't do it, it tarnishes my name in the community group. To me a promise is a promise, say you'll do it, then get it done. I would feel awful if we let the group down. Hmm, he knows that and uses it.
"thanks for your share it has really made me feel better about sticking to my boundary"
Glad I could help.
We've worked through through the money issues years ago. I handle the household money because I didn't want my credit rating tarnished. I set up a savings account for him. The paychecks went into the checking account, and his "allowance" was transferred to the savings account. He could spend that without asking me; when it was gone, it was gone. He does not have check writing priveledges. Any charges to the credit card required prior approval by me. If he charged without letting me know, I took the card away. It's been a long time now, and we are used to the money rules, he still has his savings account, but can charge small routine purchases without asking. Larger purchases, he still must ask. So I am very happy that we don't have money problems.
I do remember how hard it was to enforce those rules when they were new.
Aloha Nice...Being nice is being nice; a part of being a good, happy, supportive person. Feeling nice is an emotion and okay to have; your decision to feel anytime, everytime you want for what ever reason. You don't need permission or or rule or law to "feel nice". Enabling is for me a behavior, a choice, something I can do for the right reason or wrong reason depending upon the consequences I want which can be many. On one hand drinking and using with my alcoholic addict was the wrong reason and got me the undesirable consequences...enabled her to get and be and stay under the influence and put me in the same condition even though I didn't want to be under that influence.
Enabling also, for me, is using my time, ability and facilities to help others when I can and am willing to; get their life taken care of. If they don't got me they have other choices...nothing to feel put out about because they gotta do something to get their needs met.
If I am holding anger and resentments against the "other" I shouldn't attempt to support until I get those negatives taken care of. That is where Higher Power (prayer and meditation), Al-Anon literature, meetings and a sponsor come in for me. I don't have to struggle alone any longer. MIP and this fellowship are also about solutions too. That is why I keep coming back, and back and back again to give and get.
Keep coming back...it works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Thanks everyone for posting on this topic. I too struggle with enabling the A. With me, it is mainly with chores in the house. This is a tough area for me because I can let all of the dishes pile up in the sink (that is supposed to be his chore) but eventually our 2 children need clean sippy cups. I can't let them suffer just because I don't want to enable daddy. He doesn'r see how this behavior (not enabling) helps him. Perhaps because he is still using and not in any recovery program even though he is not drinking anymore. The same is true for groceries. I can wait and wait and wait for him to go to the grocery store (he said he would do this, too) but eventually the kids and I also need to eat. I do get resentful when he doesn't follow through with things. He says I should just "get over it" or do the chore myself. Bottom line, I feel as if I am basically doing everything in our household and I am exhausted. I can't figure out how not to enable him, but still take care of me and the kids. Thanks for letting me share.
