The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been involved with an ABF for 12 years. I begged for years and years for him to get help, and finally coming to the conslusion that things would never change, I moved out 2 years ago and started moving on with my life.
He finally got sober and I got my old BF back...things were wonderful. He redid everything thing in the house that we had said for years we were going to do. This was our new start, so I moved back in, this past August.
I started to notice things, and suspected he was drinking. Really could he, he wouldnt....but he did. It was not frequent it was every once in a while...and then the binges started.
Its now December, he is no longer working, he took a leave of abscence. And is drinking everyday, heavily until he passes out, awakes and starts again.
I have brought everything out into the open, I am not hiding how bad he has become. I have contacted his family, his friends, his bosses...and told them all I dont know what to do and cant do it alone anymore. They have to come to talk to him, giving him words of encouragement, but as soon as they are gone, its on again.
He has been to the ER three times, in recent months. Drs have advised him of the damage his is doing to his body, etc etc. he has been to treatment, as far as an outpatient group situation. He only attended 2 meetings and felt as if it wasnt his thing because the addicts were recovering from heorin and other drugs, and he could not relate to the stories of teens stealing from their parents, etc...another excuse. He has been to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist since his last ER visit, but it seems that he is not benefiting from the treatment.
For the past week, he has been a constant drunk. he hasnt gone out of the house except to walk to the store to get more alcohol. He says that he has to do something and realizes that he has a problem, but he just will not accept the "inpatient" treatment as an option...I have begged and pleaded for him to go...and he just wont
This situation is so heartbreaking for me...I wanted more than anything for this to work but I am back in a situation it took me years to get out of and I am resenting him more and more.
If only words could cure an alcoholic. There is no cure for this compulsive disease. Only abstinence arrests this diease.
Until he has had enough and not till then will he stop. He has to make that choice.
There are choices for you. Glad you have reached out to Alanon. The board of MIP will be your saving grace. Read some Alanon literature, share with the members and learn some new responses to this devastating disease.
We are powerless over the alcoholic, but not over ourselves. Keep coming back.
Oh no, I am so sad you are going thru this. I am sure you had so much hope, you were so happy then to have it fall apart has to be awful.
As you have learned we are helpless as to doing anything for the A in our life. Sadly the best thing is to let them fall and pray they pick themselves up.
No family, friends, bosses etc. are going to do any good.
The only one who can help the A is the A.
We learn through Al Anon to help ourselves. "Getting Them Sober" volume one is a good one to start on as far as a book. It it is very simple to read and you will find what you need in it.
For me I faced if I could not live with the A as is, I was not going to live with him. I worked my program very hard to be able to do so, but sadly he was very abusive after a brain surgery, medical relapse.
The disease takes our loved one away from us, we are powerless to do anything. But what does help us is to be proactive in building up and on our own life. Whether with the A or not.
Anytime we do something, we feel better. Going to Al Anon, reading literature, sharing here, making decisions as to what we want in our life.
I am so glad you are here. Hope you keep coming. love,debilyn
Very similar to my situation, its taken me ten years to learn not to trust my partner, I use the word partner, I am really a carer now.
I tried to believe many a time in various fresh starts, she just got better at hiding it and I suppose I wanted to believe she had stopped.......................
I have learnt to detach myself from her to protect myself and look on the situation as her being my best friend who needs help. Its very sad but out of your/my control.
Very difficult to discuss with friends and family as its so horrendous and personal. In fact the situation has seen me become a bit isolated from family as I felt they wanted to know what was going on more for the gossip rather than to stand by me.
I am so sorry you're in this situation. It's very hard.
You said, "I have contacted his family, his friends, his bosses...and told them all I dont know what to do and cant do it alone anymore."
I wonder what "it" is? In Al-Anon the Three C's are: We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it. As you've seen, pep talks and encouragement don't do any good. Nagging and threatening don't do any good. Caretaking doesn't allow them to stop, it only protects them from seeing the consequences of their actions. The terrible truth is that we have to step back and let them make their own choices -- because that's all we can do.
The rooms of Al-Anon are full of people who have been very much where you are and who understand completely. There's a lot of wisdom there. I hope you can look in your phone book or online and find local meetings. There's nothing like a support group of people in your area. Go to several meetings to try them out, because they're all different. There are also online meetings here. And read all the threads on this board.
My Alcoholic went through the same stages, including stopping drinking. We got back together, everything went so hopefully for a while. Then he started again. I didn't know that only about 20-25% of those who start recovery manage to stay sober. I thought he had a good chance. And of course he was hiding his drinking, so I was confused. He'd deny it, but my senses told me he was drinking. Eventually he couldn't hide it any longer. He's always been a binge-drinker with long non-drunk periods, so it was very confusing. Each long sober period I'd think, "He's finally stopped!" But ... no.
We can't control them or their drinking, but we can make our lives better by taking care of ourselves. That's what Al-Anon is about. Setting boundaries, learning to detach with love, learning to look at ourselves. Please take care of yourself and keep coming back. Hugs to you.
so sorry to hear your going through this, how awful and soul defeating, you are now with friends that know and care and hopefully you can start to begin a new journey that will lift you out of the helplessness and give you hope!
Mattie
My hubby sounds like yours in that he can go long periods of time without it, then binge, I found that very cruel to me as he would be off it for months and I would believe we had finally made it, then wham, he would be back on it again and the whole thing starts over and back to square 1 again, at the moment he hasnt drank for 8 months we are not living together but are hoping to reconcile but I am trying to take my time, learn about all of this and then decide whether to reconcile, its so difficult isnt it?
Hi Jersey, I can relate to your share my ABF was sober for 6 months last year and things were great then he slipped I watched his disease progress again. After about 9 months I deceided like you I could not watch , as did his mum , kids. He went in to rehab 4 months ago and is doing great again.
The worse thing about this disease is it is there for life. They can be sober then it strike once it gets hold again there is nothig we can do.
Today If my A picked up I would have to do tough love and take care of me I am powerles over him, I will not enable his disease for fight it.
please do what you need to do for you. When my A is active I go to lots of meetings come on here use my phone do what ever it takes. When he get sicker the disease also attacks me full throttle, so I pick up my al anon medicen.
Thank you soo much for the replies and support *hugs*
"It" meaning his problem and his actions...No one could believe how bad it was until I left...and then were able to see for themselves where the problem was. I was portrayed in a different light to his family and friends...I was of course the "bad guy" and they had no clue as to the extend of his problem is. It was on a recent binge of his that his brother had come over (stores his motorcycle in garage) and I went out and begged him to come in...I also wanted to expose my A and his problem. I wanted to give them both a sense of the urgency...and severity of what this has become.
I have been to the local meeting in the past...a few years ago when I left previously. I do know I have to go back...I felt soo much better for me.
This afternoon my A has promised me that he is going to go into treatment...I pray his does.
I do hope and pray your ABF seeks the help he needs. The disease has taken over his life and yours as well. Alcoholism is a sad powerful disease that destroys everything in its way and everything it touches. The stories seem to never end.
You have been in the program and attended f2f meetings and I'm glad you realize the importance of getting back in the program and puting the focus back on yourself. I am happy you found MIP. Many here are walking or have walked in your shoes.
Keep coming back and posting. Try to find a f2f meeting as soon as possible. Remember to always put the focus on the only person you have control over...You. The easiest was to do that is to turn your ABF over to his HP and then step out of their way.
Christine you have found a new family at MIP who cares and only wants the best for you, and more important, your not alone anymore.
Aloha Jersey...I pray also with you that he makes it to treatment and away from the bottle..."the booze". Anywhere its not is better for him. He is "an alcoholic" a child of God, human being, great person when sober who is living with a cunning, powerful and baffling disease. He is under the influence of a power greater than himself which comes in the form of a mind altering, mood altering chemical and a compulsion and obsession to consume it even while he might not desire to. It is running his life and he isn't. Maddening!! He is under the influence of a progressive and fatal condition which if he doesn't find a way out of will result in more insanity and finally death. He is not alone and will not be the only one to fit the condition. There is help for him when the only thing left for him to say is "enough"..."I'm done". I pray that he finds that moment sooner than later. I have intimate memories of that condition for myself.
There are a multitude of recovering alcoholics who will come to his aid when and if he reaches out to AA. Pray for that moment he reaches out pass you, past the psychs pass the hospital or any other institution to another recovering alcoholic. Whether he calls the hotline number for AA in his area or the rehab connects him to the program from their protocol. There will be no guarantees and have not been any but his chances are better because there has been more pain. I pray his pain will be great enough to overcome his pride and to reach out.
For you the proceedure is much the same way...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call and reach out to the family groups for youself. You don't have to go thru this tragedy alone and you are not. Go as quickly as you can, get as much literature as you can and read it all, sit down, listen, learn, practice...it is what saved my life.
I came home early from work so I could be there with him and I could work from home. We talked a lot and he seemed content. At about 4:30 I heard the truck backing out of the driveway...he left without saying a word...left his phone.
After calling around...and finally at 11 or so last nite...I found out he went up to NY state to a family friend he calls his "uncle" and his father (who is an alcoholic mental and physical abuser-lives near his uncle)
I was relieved to find out where he was and that he was safe...and thats all I know.
As I was responding he actually called me. He said he knows that he needs treatment, but couldnt bear to be in the hospital over Christmas. He said he is going to go talk to his Mom (she also loves upstate about 100 miles away) that he has questions and needs answers from her as to why his father treated him the way he has. I pray he does go to his Mom's and spends a couple days there and they get to talk and when he is ready to come back he goes into treatment.
