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So, my good friend was arrested for a DUI. She went to rehab for two weeks and is back. I wrote her a 4 page letter telling her that i know she had been lying to me about her drinking.
I have told my son for the last year or so that if he is at someones house and the people in charge of keeping him safe are drinking alcohol, he is to call me and I would come get him. At first, I was going to not tell my son anything, but my very perceptive son came to me and said he knows something is wrong and asked me to tell him the truth. I explained to my son that my friend had a problem with wine and went to get help with some doctors. He knows not to talk about it with any of his friends or his sister. I actually overheard a conversation between he and his sister when she said that she has not seen my friend in a long time and my son said something like "Oh she is just really busy and maybe we will see her later". I told him that it is my job as his mama is to keep him safe and right now it is not safe for him to be at my friend's house alone with her. he is not to let her drive him anywhere (she took him once when I asked her not to and while I cannot prove it, I think she was buzzed). He knows that if he wants to play with her son/his best friend that it has to be here. Here comes the problem. His friend only likes play-dates at his house.. because of the lack of structure and ability to do whatever he wants. What can my son say to his friend? How should he go about telling his friend that they can only play here? I do not know what her kids have been told.
Do I flat out tell her that my kids will not be under her supervision alone?
I have no idea what to do.
-- Edited by rgoldy1121 on Monday 20th of December 2010 04:10:41 PM
-- Edited by rgoldy1121 on Monday 20th of December 2010 05:21:55 PM
Alcoholism is so often kept under this veil of secrecy and denial. Typically the alcoholics are quick to hide the problem, and sometimes we go along with them.
I wonder why the problem has to be kept in the dark? If your friend has diabetes, there wouldn't be any need to hide it, would there? Alcoholism isn't anyone's choice; they have an underlying predisposition and a series of bad events suck them down into it, until their judgment is so distorted they can't even think clearly about what's happening.
Only you know what's right for your situation. If I were in this situation, I think I'd explain to my son about alcohol and alcoholism, and how your friend sadly has been caught in it. And I would say that it's sad and not anyone's fault (least of all any kid's), but that no one but the alcoholic can start her on the road to recovery. But that you have to keep him safe. (I also wouldn't tell him he couldn't tell anyone -- secrets are a heavy thing for kids to bear -- and why should it be hidden? Who does it protect? It may even help your friend keep drinking longer to be protected from the consequences.)
The truth is that you don't want to endanger your son by letting him be in control of your friend because of her drinking. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell her the truth, very calmly and without judgment. She would probably argue and act infuriated, because these allow her to deny and keep on drinking. But you don't have to show up for the argument, as they say.
I think that's what I'd do -- because it protects your son, helps him understand an important thing, doesn't enable your friend, and sets a model of honesty.
Take what works and leave the rest. Hugs to you for being so caring of your son and your friend.
What I mean by asking him to not talk about it is this: I explained to him that he should not talk about it with his friends at school. I explained that some 8 and 9 year olds may not understand what the situation is all about. I dont know to what extent other parents want their kids to know. Kids can be cruel and I dont want a child to hear what happened and then start blabbing all over the playground and possibly ostracizing the child of the alcoholic.
My boy is a very old soul and wise beyond his years and it freaks me out sometimes how well he understands life.
My friend has been out of rehab for 4 days. She claims to have gone to meetings daily. I really hope she has and continues to accept sobriety.
My oldest son is also 9. About 6 months ago, we had to call Child Protective Services on behalf of a little girl at his school who is a grade older. CPS ended up taking the child and putting her in foster care, which is GOOD. I had to explain to my son some of the same things about talking to other children at school about the incident. I told him that it would be kind not to tell everyone at school because the girl was probably already feeling really sad and embarrassed by what happened, even though we knew she hadn't done anything at all wrong. I talked to my son in terms of gossip ... it is unkind to gossip, and people can be really hurt by gossip. Gossiping about anyone, concerning any situation and not just this one, can have bad results. I did make sure that my son understood the difference between gossiping and talking about his feelings . I reiterated that he could talk about it anytime with me and anyone else in our family - that it was not a secret.
Maybe talking about it to your son in terms of sickness/disease is appropriate here. Such as, while the mom is just beginning to get some treatment for her sickness, he and his friend will have to play at your house. At some point in the future when she has been in recovery for a while, the boundary can be reevaluated.
I think that being honest with your friend is a good idea - like another poster said, calmly and without judgment. Sure, she may be angry/embarrassed or deny/minimize. That's okay - you don't need her approval to set your boundary. If she is serious about her recovery, she will eventually understand why you said what you did and set the boundary that you set, even if she does not understand right now. If she ends up relapsing, you will have already have the boundary in place.
Just my two cents, you could always just say to her that while she is recovering from being in rehab you would like to help out by having both boys at yours, you cant allow your son there if your worried just because her 9 year old doesnt want to come to you, he shouldnt be the one who decides these things, adults should,
even if his mum wasnt A, he cant have things all his own way as play dates should be shared, you can also use that as an excuse with your son that its not fair to be at his friends house all the time anyway,
Great points all around and I so appreciate your input. I really do. I am so glad to have found this place and am able to talk.
White Rabbit~ I did the same thing with my son. I told him that he can talk about his feelings on this situation (and anything) with me or daddy and we would never be upset with him for telling us how he felt. I like what you said about gossip. I am going to incorporate that next time my son and I have a heart to heart.
Failte~ I hope that the boy starts to learn that he doesnt get what he wants all the time. I hope that his mom learns to say no and not give in to whatever her kids demand.
Well given that your son is nine I think you are being wise in protecting your son. I would not allow my child to be under the supervision of a recovering addict so early in their recovery.
I am not so sure as bad as this sounds that I would want my child to play regularly with the child either. I am fully aware of the way addiction emotionally stunts those around the addict and the coping skills that are learned and practiced to be able to survive it. I would probably not want my child to be around and influenced by such skills at such a tender and impressionable age.
I can see myself letting the boy know he is welcome to come over. I also might invite the child to go on some outings with you and your son so it is not always in the home.
I would at the same time, find an activity my child likes and put him in some classes allowing self worth to rise as well as watching new friendships bloom.
I can set the stage for the boys to be friends, but not together on a regular basis as my child would have new interests and friends based upon those interests.
I understand your feelings. I took my 10 yo son to Scouts to sign up a few months back hoping that he would make some friends his age.
One boy from his class was there along with his parents, dad is a leader, mom just helping out.
The mom smelled of alcohol, I kept trying to discount it, telling myself maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was hand sanitizer, etc...Not so sure, she talked and talked my ear off that night, like we were old friends or something, just telling me all kinds of personal stuff about her and her son.
I have really been uncomfortable with my son going to their house or riding in a car with her because I just dont really know and honestly I am just trying to protect my kid.
I feel bad because my son doesnt have very many friends and has a hard time even building friendships, but I don't know. I just have an uneasy feeling about it all.
Ginger~ That just sucks all around. Im really sorry. I always tell my kids, trust your gut, we have that instinct for a reason. Dont ignore it.
Luckily, my guy has friends and is involved in so many different things. He sings in our synagogue choir, plays basket ball through the park district, active in school activities, baseball, etc.
I am just sad that the kids have to be affected by this demon.