The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There have been a lot of recent posts around the frustration of dealing with A's who claim to love us, but aren't really showing this in their actions.... I found this list - compiled by Melody Beattie and Terance Gorski), that gives us many great examples of the differences between "toxic" and "real" love....
I love this list, as a great example of things within a relationship to strive for.... My relationship with my A was very toxic, and I continue with my recovery so that I can make sure I am way more along the "real love" spectrum.... In my opinion, we ALL deserve to love, and be loved, in healthy ways....
Take care Tom
1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The things that drive me crazy about my A are on this list. Especially number nine. Oh how I wish his mood wouldn't be so dependent on his perception of my mood.
I thought about giving him this list, but I didn't. It has been great as well for me to be able to see where I need to improve.
Man ... I see a lot of my pre-program behavior and beliefs about love on this list. Thank you so much for posting this. It's amazing to look back on these and realize how pretty much all of my relationships have been life or death to me, and how all of the relationships were extremely toxic.
Thanks Tom, great list! A great book to go along with this theme is Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.
I too remember being in the "toxic" side of this list. After a while it just seems a natural state of being. A year in recovery and the exA and I tried it again - and I had to walk away from the toxic stuff. It was so clearly visible, I can't believe I didn't see it before - the obsessing, snooping, controlling. I had started to learn how to put myself first, how to live without him being my life blood or a vital organ, how to be with friends and family - and grow - and have him be just one of the many wonderful things in my life - my partner. Me taking care of myself drove him crazy. He just sat in his house, stared at the phone, and waited for me to call. If he wasn't my focus - then the sky was falling, I was an awful person, and his unhappiness was all my fault. Some of the names I was called for just taking care of me . . . amazing stuff - and I remember so clearly acting the exact same way.
It used to be the same for both of us. I am very pleased to say it is not anymore - that behavior is visible to me now and I am learning how to navigate away from it and make better choices. I have compassion for him, I understand his pain and need, but I can not fix him - I can only fix myself.
Since walking away 6 mos. ago - I have purchased my first home and subsequently moved to a new town, enrolled in college, joined a sports team, and lost 10 of the 20 pounds I had as a goal. Ballroom dancing and quitting smoking are the only things left on my 2010 list. Then I get to make a NEW LIST!
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you break free of the old thinking. I wish he was here to enjoy it with me, but alas - he chose to stay still and I chose to move forward.
Thanks for sharing the list. Will be a good reference in the future.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
For me, I was able to change most of the toxic behaviors on my side of the fence by throwing myself fully into my own recovery and working the steps. I had to make myself and my recovery the priority, not just give it whatever leftover attention I might have after giving away the vast majority of my attention to my relationship with the A.
The toxic behaviors still rear their ugly heads once in a while if I don't keep working my program. If I slack off, they creep back up on me. Especially numbers 1, 5, 9, 10, and 12, which were the worst ones for me before recovery. UGGGH.
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Tuesday 21st of December 2010 11:25:35 AM
For me, "awareness" is always the start of getting better..... Once I recognized that much of the "love" with my ex-AW was so toxic, I took whatever steps I could to improve this.... As with most things, I could only really address "my side of the fence", but I think that this is one of the tenets of Al-Anon - we rediscover our value and self-worth, to some extent..... As we start feeling better about ourselves, we stop being willing to accept 'unacceptable behavior' from anyone, including our A's (and others).
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I grew up with toxic love so it was indeed very familiar to me.
I once saw Terrence Gorski speak and he has some great anecdotes about falling in love straight away. The euphemism he used for toxic love was "blow my mind on demand". I definitely had the intense love and intense hate for the ex A. Detachment is such a key skill for me because I can be back to obsessing and resenting in a second. When I look at the ex A's behavior his demands for love were always unconditional and way beyond any sane boundary. As I didn't have any firm boundaries I had no yardstick to guide me to what is reasonable and what isn't.
At the same time under the guise of love I did many a rant and rave at the ex A. I have had to learn to love my own biological family from afar because they only know enmeshment.
These days I have a new kind of respectful love and appreciation for people I did not have in the past. I am far more self reliant and my main concern of course is to make my own life manageable rather than try to manipulate any one else into making it that way for me.
Thanks so much for posting this. I always find some message in your posts that seem to help with whatever I am stuggling with, aware of or even just becoming aware of in myself at the moment.
I am so grateful for the "oldtimers" who keep coming back and sharing their esh!!!
After alot of time and alot of phases I have figured out ny pride at taking time for me has become hiding from any possible relationship out of fear. Every point on this list has a red flag to watch for within myself and gives me a little more confidence in being able to take my time, know truth from illusion and keep myself on the right path for me and not have to hide
