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Yeah know, Since My Last Post I have been doing some Real Soul Searching tring to get out of my Own way, and I think I have come up with one of my BIGGEST Problems to date...
I don't Understand HELP... Defined : AID Or ASSIST , Or One who Assists Another...
My Sponser & I ALWAY Butt heads about this Very thing, and it dawned on me the other day after reading her note she sent me again I am Still Not a Ease with it... I Think it is out of Good Measure that she is Pleaing for me to Reach out, (At least I Think) but at the same time, I have explained to her on more then ONE occassion, "I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR HELP!!!
I don't mean to sound Selfish here, but... Aid Or Assist... Well, I have All my Life been that of a Surviver, I have always been one that if I had a Problem, I found an Answer in Fixing it, Hell If YOU had a Problem I found a Way of Fixing it, That is What I DO! That is What I know! I don't know how to Ask for Help because of my Short 36 yrs here on earth, it was NOT an Option in my Childhood or Up bringing, NOT to AID & Assist ...
I mean, Yeah,,, I have Tough Days, Just like the Next Person, and to be Completely Honest, I don't Think Rehashing EVER Bummer in my Day, really Solves anything... I don't LIke to Whine, and I don't Expect ANYONE to come in and "Save" me, I don't expect someone else to have the answers for MY Day!
I know in the program, you are to reach out... I Guess for me, When I Write on these Boards, that is My Best Effort at Work... And I Don't know if I am Asking for Help, but Rather, Just wanting to be Understood, and Accepted for Who I am....Who I am Striving to Be, or Become...
I don't Want "Fixed", I don't want "Saved" and I don't want someone to see me as Someone that Can't take care of myself... I Figure the reason I am Bullheaded about this very topic, has alot to do with my Family, & Up bringing... I Look at my Siblings, and they are OK with having others do the leg work while they sit back and reap the benifits, I am NOT that Person... When I leave this World, I want to know that everything before me, was due to My Fight for LIfe, Not my Pity Pot I Shared but my Triumphs, My Reaching for the Stars, and Never Looking Back at the bad but forward to the Great things ahead...
I come here to the boards for Support, & Understanding, and I Try my best to Give what I recieve, I can't say I am Always on top of things, But I know that I do Try my best... I do Try to Improve with everyday instead of Staying in my Pity Pot, and bringing the rest of the world down as well...
I see in my Future being "Sponserless" and Honestly I think I'm OK with that, I know that I have to share my 4th & 5th step, and who knows, with Who, Maybe that is my Hang up, Maybe thats what is Not Making this work is my unsafe ground I currently Feel...
I try Little by Little on a Daily Basis, to see ME for Who & What I am... Not just the good, but also the bad, also the trip ups, and the stumbles and the hurt feelings I may Cause someone else, I can honestly from my heart say that It is Never My Intention to Hurt Anyone on my Journey to the new me, and I pray that I don't, but it is also not my Intention to allow someone else to tell me What I Should Or Should not do, weather it be "Make a Phone Call" or as my Sponser puts it, "Let Me IN!" Well What if there is nothing more then what you see on the surface? What if Who I am Is IT? Maybe the Me I am Transpiring to be, don't Reach Out, but GIVE... Would that then make me a bad person, because I would rather be there for someone else?
Yes I have some Cody in me for sure, but I also have been learning Boundry's, and only giving to those that welcome the gift of al-anon, those that have given me Hope, and ESH, and Love, thru out my journey...
I don't LIVE Currently With an ACTIVE acoholic, (other then Maybe myself & I haven't had a drink myself; next week will be 2 months) :) I don't Allow the Alcoholics in my Life to Have that power over me any more, thanks to my Work in this Program... I have explained to them ALL that I Love them Very much, but I will not be a factor in their everyday life, the choices they make are that of their own, and I love them no matter what the out come... So it isn't that I don't have everyday issues, I just think some Issues are too Nill to even worry about, and that is when I work Steps 1 thru 3 and Give it to God :^)
I know that I have not been in the program long enough to know all the ins and outs of it, but I do see improvement in me, I do See that I have come Such a Long Way from were I started, just two short years ago, but I just can't be the only one out there that struggles with "Asking for Help!" I can't be the only one that doesn't Know what a person ask for Help With? Does this Issue mean that I have alot of Work to do, or am I still making Progress by not Complaining all the time, for feeling the need to DUMP on someone...
If I do get a Chance to speak to someone, wether it be my al-anon friends or family, I do on occassions vent, and they help bring me back, but I don't Like who I am When I get to a point I have to "Spuew" in order to survive... I guess I'm still a Touch frustrated with the hole thing, and I guess I Needed to Spew" a little here just to get it out, and who knows, maybe one of you can help me understand, how I can work a better program, without feeling like I am in the Wrong because I don't "Make the Call"... Where is My Guilt Coming From?
Just when I think I am Doing Good, and Moving Forward, I feel like this was a Huge Slap Back, and Sadly, it hurts... I don't like people to think ill of me, and I don't know all the rules of Sponsership and how it works, but I do know that there are times that the word alone makes me feel like they are an Authority over me, and I have ALways struggled with that... I feel like someone that was once my Friend, now wants to over power Who "I" am...
I have wrote to her and explained the best I could, and I seen her at our Friday Meeting, and she didn't even mention it... NOTHING... Not, I'm Pissed, I'm Hurt, Thanks for explaining... NOTHING... I kinda thought that a Sponser was suppose to want to talk about those things..I even Hung out as one of the Last ones to leave to see what she would say.... But I'm Seeing that isnt' the case were I am currantly at, and I feel it is well past the time to Move On...
So...That is were I am, this is my Newest Discovery of ME... I don't know HOW to ASK For HELP!!! Hummmm Something that should be so Easy, yet for me it is a Daily battle within myself...
Thanks for Listening and Being here as always... :0)
Jozie I could have written your post, help comes in many different ways and disquises, dont get hung up on it too much, I know when I was learning how to read my bible I was once told by a pastor if I got hung up on something, not to let it affect my whole view of the bible, to just move past that part and come back to it at a later date when I was more "educated", and maybe you might want to do that too, when you seem stuck, just accept you havent got the answers or the solution, that you dont understand so move on and come back at a later time, concentrate on another aspect of the program.
Having been brought up by alcoholics and mentally ill parents I had to learn very quickly to do everything for me, I taught myself to wash, comb my hair, tie my shoelaces, tell the time, swim, ride a bike, apply for school, careers, employment, everything, so I never got to know what asking for help looked like, then I mostly find that when I do, albeit very rarely asking for help, I am mostly turned down,
having said that, I can ask my family to help with the laundry, chores, picking up groceries, arranging holidays etc, I can ask for favours too, from neighbours, so I can ask for help, where I struggle with asking is from authority, because in my experience they are the ones to let me down often and badly as a child, and still do as an adult.
What struck me in your post is that you have asked for help, by posting on here, is asking for help, albeit through ESH, and you do say "Maybe one of you can help me understand" so you see you are asking for help, so dont be too hard on yourself,
its hard to let people in, when we do, we get hurt, I tend to be very wary of others, and I would find a program or a sponsor very difficult as I was so damaged as a child it simply wouldnt work for me, so I learn to help myself in other ways, but I am STILL helping me, so long as you are helping you, dont be too hard on yourself!
You are not alone in the struggle for the need of a sponsor. You have grown in leaps and bounds since coming on to this Board You were always posting your topic and asking for help You listened intently and learned. I have had many sponsees stop callling after the first initial pain has lifted Then I would here now and then and we would continue to work the steps in an acceptable time schedule.
Most importantly I found that a sponsee should call in order to validate their assets not simply to ask for help. Your sponser could be instilling in you the confidence that you can handle your issues with the program and the tools She could then be available for you to call with your successes not juat your need
Alanon is a fellowship of equals as the Traditions suggest. Your experience and wisdom is your guide Your sponser like this Board is only there to listen and then point out a tool you may have not thought about.
We all need help in recognizing our positive good points and how important they are to our well being.
It is not help you need you need to find your voice within and that is what a sponsor can do Just listen when you need to talk Not when she wantsyou to talk You are doing fine .
Have a Happy HOliday You are a Miracle in Progress.
Damn been there a few times myself after resisting help for yrs someone in program reminded me that * my best thinking got me here * ok fine .. It was also suggested that my ego and arrogance kept me from asking for help. I was not too impressed with that one either , but alas can now admit they were right . Humility for me is simply being willing to ask for help on a daily basis from the God of my understanding , first accepting help from the Al-Anon friends who had been where I was at , then the support of a sponsor , which eventually led to a understand of never alone again . God knows whats best for me , has been proven to me over and over again . I no longer travel alone
Jozie, I'm new here, and I don't know if my post adheres to al-anon standards. I'm sorry if it doesn't, but here are my thoughts.
Try this excersize: replace the word "help" with "join my team". So if you hear "Can I help you?" - do a quick translation to "Can I join your team?" Define TEAM as "Together Everyone Achieves More".
There is nothing wrong with working together toward a big goal.
As I read your post, I recalled a time when the leader of an organized kids group my child belonged to refused to choose an assistant leader. She didn't ask us to bring materials or help plan projects (as other leaders had done). About a month into the year, she encountered some personal problems so started cancelling meetings because she couldn't be there. Several of us offered to pick up the project material and lead the week, she said "no thanks". After a bit, she became defensive as if we were offending her offering help. I did not intend to offend. The kids program was designed for leader plus assistant and several parent helpers. There were 12 children in the group and she wanted to do it all. It was harmful to the group and the children that they were missing meetings and not earning their achievement awards simply because this leader felt ashamed to ask for help. Sadly, she decided she couldn't handle it all and not only stepped down, but dropped out entirely and withdrew her child as well. We were in temporary chaos since she did this without notice. So, while it's gallant to want to do everything yourself, it might not always be the preferred way. If this woman had an active assistant, and an active parent support team, the mid year chaos would have been a little ripple.
A football team needs catchers, receivers, and coaches; neither would be able to win the game without "helping" the other move the ball down the field. Sometimes they play offense & sometimes they play defense. It takes an awareness to know which is when.
I too like to be in control, I like to have everything my way. I've been working hard to let others lead sometimes. It's OK to work as a team and achieve more.
after resisting help for yrs someone in program reminded me that * my best thinking got me here * ok fine ..