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Hi there, So my A. fiance has not been drinking for a month or so (no recovery program). I am not an alcoholic, but I am in recovery in Alanon. I have chosen not to drink in front of fiance because I know it is so hard for him, on many levels, not to drink at all. It would not be much of a problem, but he always seems to make sure to find ways to underline the fact we are NOT drinking....he'll do things like offer me a drink (I always so no thank you) or once he ordered a hot saki for us both, and I kept calm and declined...told him I was disappointed he ordered it and internally resolved to explain I must leave the restaurant if he started drinking it....but luckily he didn't, but then my serenity was shaken and I could no longer enjoy the date. He'll often make jokes about alcohol, sort of talking about an intention to buy booze or threatening to drink...kind of tease me about it as if he's trying to push my buttons. I do stay outwardly calm...I'm just not sure how to adapt. It is new behavior for both of us.... It is getting kind of wearing, even though I know he doesn't mean any harm by it. I also find myself feeling guilty that the boundaries I set (saying I need him to be sober, and meaning it) seem to have led him to quit drinking BUT not go into recovery, YET (he said he would after Christmas, but I can't/won't count on it). This means isolation for him - as he is not in recovery AND not seeing his drinking buddies etc. He seems anxious, discontented, bored...Am I exciting and fun enough for him? I feel this burden because I am now his only social support or friend as he is avoiding all his friends, all of whom drink and wouldn't leave him in peace if he refused a drink. He doesn't see his family much. Of course I am happy he's not drinking, and doing my very best to make it "his" (not mine) - I think outwardly I have succeeded, but inside I'm anxious and feel guilty...like I need to do everything to be a good example of recovery, and to be there for him as much as possible. It's just starting to feel like too much. Partially because Christmas is coming. I know I can't "do it all" - and shouldn't aim to...I am just so scared because I feel this can't last (his non-drinking) without recovery. And because we are still "engaged" but STILL in limbo about where our relationship is going (wedding still "postponed")....our relationship is better than ever in many ways, much because for now there is none of his binge drinking! but with this huge underlying question mark. At the same time, I am having trouble thinking about how to handle the social encounters when others around us will be drinking and we won't (he because he's quit for now, me because I don't in front of him) ...how/whether to explain this to people who are friends and who drink? will we lose friends ? will people see us as "square"? I'm not usually uptight when I don't drink, but around him I am because I'm feeling too responsible and nervous.... I know one day at a time, this is doable, but I find myself worrying how to protect him, explain, not feel awkward, at future occasions like Christmas, and in a couple weeks when some old friends (a couple) invited us for dinner... Anyway. Thanks for letting me write this out. It is getting to me, so it helps just to put it on "paper." If any has any ESH on the change in social life after sobriety, that would be great! (PS: Also, would it be okay to talk to fiance about my feelings, just to state them, not getting upset or mean or trying to extract promises, but just state I am feeling kind of anxious about this and concerned about his wellbeing and I hope he will find help and friends who can support him soon, and I want our relationship to last? I don't want to be manipulative, but I think part of what is making it harder and harder for me lately is that the alcoholism continues to be like an elephant in the room that we barely allude to...wouldn't it be better and more respectful of both of us (as well as good for me) to share/update what I'm feeling, to "say what I mean and mean what I say but not say it mean" than keep controlling myself to the "nth" degree and feeling increasingly isolated/depressed/repressed about something? I have been doing so "well" working the program being silent on the alcohol/relationship issue for so long, it has brought us closer....but now I feel it's making me feel sad and "far away" from him. I guess I feel I've gone to an extreme, so far in the other direction of non-reaction and non-involvement that now there's just this huge unsaid taboo topic (our future) which is making both of us (certainly me) increasingly uneasy, and even unhappy....)
-- Edited by Imogen421 on Sunday 19th of December 2010 09:02:11 PM
My AH is sober and works a program. He does make alcohol related comments sometimes - like, if we're out to dinner, he'll ask if I want a drink or a shot...or if I'm meeting friends, he'll make jokes about me getting drunk. I don't know what that's about, but I have stopped trying to figure it out. His behavior is his issue. My sponsor says: "if you are not part of the problem, you are not part of the solution." I don't drink around my AH or keep alcohol in the house, so I do not feel that I am insensitive or unsupportive of his recovery. If there is some feeling underlying his "jokes" and mentioning of alcohol, it is his business to get to the bottom of what it means in his own program.
As far as social life in sobriety - are there other couples you and your AH are friends with that don't drink? Many friends of ours are couples in recovery. If you are attending meetings, maybe doing things with other couples in the program (even if your AH is not going to meetings) could be an option. There are many things to do for entertainment that don't involve drinking.
Mostly, it's important to remember that we cannot "protect" other people from life. We can be supportive of someone else, but ultimately the decision to drink or not drink is up to them. "No thanks" works when offered a drink - no further explanation is necessary. I try to remember that what other people think is none of my business. :)
In response to your PS, do you have a sponsor that you could talk to about your feelings? Not saying you shouldn't talk to your fiance, but just saying that a sponsor could help you get to the bottom of what your motives would be in having such a conversation, and why you feel that having it is necessary. A sponsor would be more likely to understand the place you're in. When I finally started going to Alanon, I'd talked myself blue in the face trying to get my AH to understand what I'd been through. He never got it. I don't know if he gets it now because I quit trying to explain it to him. He hasn't been in my shoes. My sponsor has, though.
your post sounded so familiar to mine, when my hubby would give up drinking i would stop too in order to encourage him, but it never worked, because he was dependant on alcohol and i wasnt, so his whole life/being/thoughts are revolved around alcohol and the fact that its not in your home has no real bearing on the fact its in his head and thoughts at all times.
eventually I began to despise alcohol so much that I just didnt want it in my body, so I stopped drinking it out of pure hatred for it, still made no difference to my husband, he knew it was in the shops and he could just go out and buy it if he wanted it.
he was moody and life felt miserable and boring when he didnt drink, all his focus was gone, he was unsettled without it, when we went to social gatherings, people there knew I didnt drink anyway, but he would pretend he was on strong medication for an old injury by way of not being put under pressure to drink, depending on who you are with, lie if you have to, say you have work in the morning or taking medication, I know its not right, but to me it would be part of the "fake it till you make it" theory, just till he feels strong enough to say no outright and if it makes a social gathering more bearable, the important thing is that you get through it.
I also used to feel guilty when he stopped drinking, because I knew he was just stopping for me, no other reason, and he would be grouchy and miserable, he is a good man, and I would then back track and feel awful for making him stop, and sometimes even give in to him when like your fiance he started making hints, comments and jokes about alcohol, he would do this with the full intention of chancing his luck and to see if he could open out the subject and get round me which of course a lot of the time he did and I would relent,
my hubby now hasnt drank for about 8 months, but I have had to ask him that if he is serious about not drinking, he has to stop making these comments, stop guilting me, and not be such a miserable person around me, that may sound harsh, but it was daily and unbearable and he would act like I had ruined his life, like he was a victim in some way, not take responsibility for his drinking or the effects it had, rather he would act like it was WRONG to make him stop, and because there was this unspoken air between us, of how wrong it was for him to not be drinking, how awful I was to force him to stop, I always felt unsettled and gave in again
so I just couldnt live like that anymore and I told him these were my boundaries, he didnt have to accept them, but he did, he now doesnt make comments or jokes, doesnt act like a victim and doesnt seem compltely focused or obsessed on alcohol, he has taken responsibility which free's me up now and I dont relent, feel guilted or responsibile because he is
I hope this helps in some small way.
failte
-- Edited by failte on Monday 20th of December 2010 09:04:44 AM
thanks White Rabbit and failte, @ White Rabbit, you're right these are the sort of things I should talk over with a sponsor...I have just gotten a temporary sponsor and am still looking for a longer-term one. @ failte, thanks, good to know that this stuff can get better and that there are different wyas of going about it.
-- Edited by Imogen421 on Tuesday 21st of December 2010 07:23:40 AM
