Update #2 AH in hospital passing out at work - Al-Anon Family Group

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Update #2 AH in hospital passing out at work

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Danielle if he has been released then he was sober. If he is in the hospital still he is safe.

I know that feeling. A pulled it a couple times on me. And they will cont. to until something changes.

They go into recovery, you cut him off from you, whatever. This is sadly part of the disease. They want us to worry. The longer they make you worry, the better chance you will allow them back to where they are able to continue with their disease.

I KNOW. AH got out of jail, had talked me into, my choice, trying again when he was in there. He got out, tried to call me, lost the number, then walks right over to his sick hosts. Does not try to call me or get to me.

I am so scared, put fliers out all over the city! Went out late at night hunting for him.

Yea stupid me. I found out where he was, he tore my guts out.

So. Breath. It is best to do what Al Anon teaches us. Get cleaned up, go to a movie, go to a friends, go to the family thing. The disease is controlling you. It will control us as long as we allow it.

Life with an A is usually full of drama. Just how it is. they have a disease that innately is drama.

We can take a breath and choose to walk away from it. In our heads say, everything is ok, everything will be ok. NO matter what.

Nothing has changed hon. This is another huge drama, you surely have been here before. So what can we do different this time? Can you get to a meeting or more than one meeting?

Being alone makes it worse. If we do the same thing, nothing changes.

We learn to think of ourselves, not just when things are easy. We learn how to care for us as if we are our own best friend.

So if you knew your friend was feeling like you are what would you do? Ginger ale for your tummy or ginger caps you can take. Warm food, even if just warm broth, herb tea.

Warm room, candles ,read, watch tv. Breath. Its not easy I know, especially at first when we teach ourselves to respond differently to A's drama.

I did suffer the most horrible blow Danielle if you remember. I did get the call, and my husband did die.

So believe me I know that my worrying, making myself sick would not have changed a thing.

We have to take care of us first to make it in this hard world. I know that buzz you feel and the rock in your tummy. You love him, he is sick. But your being sick is not right!

Anyway I am so glad you have come here to vent and update us! Keep coming! We are here for you.

love,debilyn

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Thanks Deb for your experience and strength. I should get to a meeting.

A crisis like this, has NEVER happened before. Well, the suicidal thoughts and his stay in the psych ward - if that counts. But, then, I knew he was safe there, I wasn't worried, not like this to the point where I feel physically sick.

I will try to go wrap presents, do laundry, ect.. I have so much to do but it's so hard to do anything!

I am regretting not going to the hospital, but them I think, well would good would have come of that if I did go? I might have gone and lectured him about alcohol then I would be regretting that! I just want and need to know he's ok.

I just don't understand, why can't he just stop drinking! He says he knows he's an A, that his life in unmanageable, that he can't control his drinking. I guess he hasn't fully worked that first step if he still drinks tho!

I don't want to let this disease control me, I don't want to sit here frozen in fear, sick with worry.

I grew up in a loving home with lots of people always around...there was always noise and laughter and talking, it was never quite.

The quite here, in this house, alone, is so depressing.

I will try to go and do something.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of stuff going unspoken here, I'm seeing. His saying "I don't know where I'll go, maybe I can call my sponsor." (I hope he did call his sponsor.) He skipped the step where he says "You didn't come to the hospital and rescue me so I think you must be mad and won't let me come back home" or "You didn't come to the hospital so I'm mad and I'm going to not even ask about coming home" or "I'm so embarrassed that I can't face you" or whatever he was thinking.

It has been so hard for me to learn to "Say what I mean, mean what I say and don't say it mean." My upbringing was all about dancing around what was really happening. As if to say the truth would make a bomb go off.

If you took all the (understandable) turmoil and craving out of your mind and got really calm, what would you say? "Let me know where you are because I worry"? "Let me know what your plans are"? It sounds so difficult to be on tenterhooks not knowing when he's coming back and what's going to happen and whether you should keep on with your plans. I hate that feeling of thinking that things could degenerate into chaos at any point and I had no control over it.

A's sure like drama, don't they? Even when they blame it on external circumstances, they bring it with them whenever things start to get calm. The trouble is that we get used to things being that way. I hope you can get some calm back into your life. This is a real challenge. You're doing brilliantly. Keep taking care of yourself.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi Mattie. Yes, AH did skip that step where he says what he was thinking - something probably like: why didn't you come see me, I'm worried you hate me and won't let me come home".

What do you think that means? Why did those things go unspoken?

Ah also grew up in a home where they didn't talk about what was going on, he internalized everything as a result and kept to himself. (As far as I know anyway...)

AH called me around 12:30 today, finally. He said he was getting released, he would take a bus home.

He told me he was so scared and lonely.

He cried and told me he's happy he didn't die. That for the first time, he's happy to be alive and wants to be alive.

He told me he needs to push the reset button. (What does that mean??? I didn't ask).

He told me he feels like crap, emotionally and physically.

He should be home in another 1.5 hours.

We'll see home things go... I'll let him speak. See how much he minimizes the whole situation.

I hope I find the strength to not lecture him on what he needs to do. I hope I find the strength to be compassionate and love him but not get sucked in.

I want to tell him about what happened the night before, what I talked to the family about (the family he was working with), what happened, him getting too drunk and passing out, what I went through. I want to tell him I was worried sick and scared and don't deserve to go through that, but I want to do this things in a kind way and say them, and leave it.

I will work on summoning that courage and strength.

For now, I am just so happy and relieved AH is ok.

Thank you all so much for being there...

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Danielle it does not matter what he says. He surely feels hung over, embarrassed, humiliated, just lost any chance to do respite anymore.

I see him grasping the I almost died button.

Grasping the I gotta get it together or I won't be able to go home.

The disease will say anything, do anything to protect itself. And if we are not following Al Anon skills, it gets right under us again.

Does not matter if he minimizes or anything. Did he get up from the hospital, call a sponsor, get his bod to AA? Take care of himself?

A person who is feeling bad about what their disease just made them do, does not look for comfort from where he KNOWs does him no good.

He cannot just stop drinking anymore that we can be dehydrated and not want water. It is what they think about the sec. they wake up, where will they get it, where will they drink it, whilst drinking, they are wondering where to get it again when it is gone.

They may truly want to stop. But until "they" get themselves in AA or to rehab then AA, 90 in 90, develop a recovery program just for them, and WORk on it honestly, they will still use.

And that is putting it simply. It is not that simple. It is number one. For some it is stronger than others.

Would a sane person attempt to take care of handicapped kids, and drink? I worked special Ed 18 + years, it is hard when you are healthy and feeling great!

I am praying he does not get sued. He could go to jail for this!

I am glad you have some relief, such as it is. But at this point the roller coaster is at the bottom, getting ready to head up again.

I am glad you are here. love,deb

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