The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my situation I have a mother with psychiatric and alcohol abuse issues and a very private father who is always trying to downplay everything. She has never admitted to having a problem with her drinking except once when she was so drunk that she was in crisis. Every since then she minimizes everthing and acts like everyone overreacted. She never went to treatment of any kind. My mother and father say she is not drinking but when I tell my father that I have seen her drink, then he says well not like she was. She had a bottle of vodka in a brown paper bag in her purse over Thanksgiving. The issue is I have children that were invited to go out of town with them recently. I told my parents they had other plans. Part of me feels quilty because they do not usually try to spend any time with their grandchildren so this could have been a nice time for them, however, I do not feel like my mom is stable and my dad keeps acting like she is. This makes me feel uneasy leaving my children even if my dad is there. My dad never tells my mom no about anything. When she recently took my brother's kids with her and walked into a stranger's house (who was not there) to look around and then took beer from their refrigerator, my dad called this behavior mischievious. When my brother's ten year old asked my mom why she would go into someones house like that she told him they should lock the door if they didn't want her to go in. Every since then I have not let my children be with my parents unless I'm present. Is this being too rigid?
Thank you for your example. I know it may be a little different but the feelings are the same. I am the oldest child in my family and have recently went through my husband's substance abuse with him. That situation had finally stabilized when the true nature of my mother's personality changes and odd behavior was revealed to us. My father knew but was told that if he told us she would leave him so he didn't say a word. In fact when we would press him for answers he would minimize everything. My mom finally called me crying and drunk and said she was a drunk and needed help. We all rushed to her and I'll never forget my dad walked, looked at my mom and said so the cat is finally out of the bag,huh? The rest of us were totally blind-sided. All but one of us are adults and live in our own homes. After she sobered up she began lying and minimizing everything also. Now we are all trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. I am the only one who has sought out help through al-anon and counseling. I didn't do this when my husband was at his worst but with the addition of my mom it was more than I could deal with alone. I have learned a lot and I am trying to detach with love and concentrate on myself and my children. My problem is that I often get a mixed reaction from my siblings. They are concerned about our children being supervised by my mom but they think as long as my dad is there it's ok. Don't get me wong my dad is usually a very responsible adult but I feel like when it comes to my mom he is not realistic. I don't trust that he won't leave them with my mom in the mall ect while he runs an errand for example. Even if she is not drinking her moods change quickly, she is forgetful and she can become verbally abusive. My siblings feel like I'm being too hard about this and I start feeling outnumbered and insecure about my boundaries but so far I have stuck to them. I don't announce what they are to my parents, I just do it. I have attempted to get my siblings involved in Al-anon and/or counseling but no one has tried it yet. Thanks to all here for your support.
I had the same problems as you when I lived among my family, thing is they are so in denial that anyone who acts remotely as if there is a problem is seen as a huge threat, my siblings told me I was too protective, thought my kids were better than theirs, treated my kids like gold, wrapped them in cotton wool and on and on and on,
but heres the difference, I remembered how scared I was around my mother when she was drunk, so why would I put my own kids through that fear?
I never listened to them because when it came to my kids they were NEVER going to be allowed to suffer the way I did and if that meant being too careful, so be it, I never questioned myself for a second, well done, on having your eyes wide open.
failte
-- Edited by failte on Sunday 19th of December 2010 02:59:02 PM
-- Edited by failte on Sunday 19th of December 2010 02:59:57 PM
No probs lila, if we dont protect our children who will? my mother had mental health issues too, everyone in my family acted as if she was sane, I remember the fall out the first time I mentioned getting her help, it was like an atom bomb went off and all the damage and chaos was aimed at me, for having the nerve to even suggest she needed help, so I learnt to keep it to myself but be proactive and protect myself, then in later years my kids, if the rest of the family wanted to make tea for the elephant in the living room fine, but I was going to avoid the living room altogether in case the elephant fell on my kids or me!
I too think you are doing great with this issue. It takes courage not to go along with this whole denial issue. I know exactly what you mean when your father said she was being 'just mischevious' boy that brought back memories to me. My mother is dead but did things like that years ago, eccentric odd things, it was hard to deal with and I still find it difficult though I am also an A in recovery, so am not talking about your mother in a judgemental way but as one who has an illness. Your children are your priority and it is great that they have you. My father married again after my mother died and his second wife also drank a great deal. I remember when my half sister and I left our youngest children with them for a few hours. When we came back they were walking like hansel and gretel down towards us after having travelled a road from a dangerous bog, with wild horses and no fencing. I got a weakness when I saw this. It was just passed off as if it was nothing. We were considered drama queens. They could have been drowned or anything. I do not blame my ill parents, I take responsibility for this now myself, and I never did it again. My HP and their HP were looking after all of us that day.
Thank you all so much for the support. Dealing with so much resistance becomes draining. You all have helped me keep things in perspective so that I can stay strong.
