The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok, so things have been going ok with the on again off again ABF lol.
I just have to ask something, but not quite sure what. So I set my boundaries that I do not want him smoking pot around me and that he has to be able to pass a drug test to see my children. He has respected those boundaries thus far. So this is making me able to work on enjoying the relationship and putting the focus off of his addicition.
Next, I have been working on detachment. He is having difficulties with his son, wants him to move back home, he lives far away. I am concerned that because of his habit that it will have negative effects. He is once again talking about his plans to change his day schedule and straighten up to make this happen. He goes through this phase every few months and does nothing about it.
So, I have resigned myself from offering any unsolicited advice. I am not trying to be bossy or in control by telling him what to do. I have listened and encouraged that he can make choices and decide what is important. I think I am doing well. I don't bring up the addiction, but he will. And say things how I look down on him. I have never said those things. I just feel like he is projecting how he feels about himself onto me.
Now he has been saying some pretty hurtful things. He has proven to be a man of false promises from the beginning. Always promising this or that and never following through. And I never call him on anything because I don't want to feel like a taker. I have some pride. He is always bringing up waste of money and wants to share his Christmas money with me so he won't be out anything by getting me a gift. I told him I don't even want anything (inside I know he will just throw it in my face later). How much a piece of jewelry has cost him, etc etc. I was very hurt at first and am trying to remember that he is who he is and I need to accept him for this, but I feel like, how did he ever love me in the first place if he keeps bringing up what a waste everything is?
My question. Ok, so I let him be who he is. Not sure how much of his behavior is caused by his addiction, but I guess that is irrelevant. Complete inconsistancy. If he is consistantly hurtful to me and I am following a lot of what I have learned to try and make this work, what else do I do? So I accept him, or so I say, but how much am I supposed to take? Does he have a right to talk to me like this, and this is just one example. I can't set a boundary for everything, that's just taking away his individuality.
Anyone struggle with this? It's so hard to give up somebody you know, who at times is very loving and comforting. What is the trade off? I am tired of second guessing myself. I guess if I love him, I will have to put up with this. But I know I need to take care of me and I cannot let him make me feel any way, but gee. I thought I was doing so well, but now I feel stuck. Very frustrating and this is ridiculously long lol. How boring.
I could have written these words myself, my relationship was so identical to this.
One reason it was so hard is that I saw that if he did not change, I was going to be in a relationship where he only gave love and affection on his schedule. So he would sometimes be very loving -- which gave me hope that he could do it. And then he would do things like let my birthday pass unremarked, and get very angry if I said I felt hurt. He said I was trying to control him and that if I loved him I would "let him be who he is." And that I was "responsible for my own happiness." I think there's truth in that, but also that a relationship is a two-way street and that you can't be expected to be happy about it if your partner treats you poorly.
Eventually I saw that I could say what was important to me, so that he knew, and that if he didn't respond and show that what was important to me was also important to him, I just couldn't go on. The lack of consistent affection was too painful for me. If he had tried and I could see that he wanted to work with me to make things better, that would have been one thing. But his declared position was that he couldn't see why he should have to try.
So that was the writing on the wall. It was very, very painful for me. I also had to ask myself why I stayed so long in a relationship where the affection was so off-and-on. It reminded me a lot of my parents, who were sometimes responsive and sometimes cold and moody. I think I thought that was as good as it could get. It's a very hard position to be in. I was constantly working on trying not to let it get me down. I'm very sad that the relationship ended, but I have to say that the everyday turmoil isn't something I miss.
IMHO, we teach people how to treat us. Believing that you deserve to be treated with respect and setting a boundary to protect yourself is not taking away someone else's individuality. Boundaries are to protect the person that sets them ... they are different than ultimatums, which are given to get the other person to do something. In response to a boundary, the other person has choices. They can either respect the boundary or they can decide not to respect the boundary. I do not believe that treating someone else badly is a matter of individuality - but more a matter of lack of respect. I don't believe that loving someone means you accept what is unacceptable. Keep working your program - keep putting the focus on yourself and keeping it off of him, don't take on responsibility for his feelings.
I think that saying something and then not following through is one of the hallmarks of an addict. I have experienced that my whole life, and it is one of the hardest parts of having a relationship with an addict. I have dealt with this issue by watching actions instead of listening to words. I know that words are often very empty. Not that the person speaking them didn't mean them when they were spoken, but addicts are just simply not capable of the follow through sometimes. Instead of pinning all my hopes on words, I hang back and watch the actions instead.
You have a lot of awareness in your post! You're doing a good job - hang in, the more practice, the easier it will be. :)
Amazing Mattie to read how similar the situations are. The caring on his schedule. The constant, accept me as I am. You're right on when you say he thinks he doesn't have to try. And just to add, I have tried to end the relationship many times. My friends aren't holding their breath LOL. Ultimately I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen.
Thanks White Rabbit. I can feel myself changing for the better. I just get stuck sometimes. I like hearing what you have to say about respect. Maybe I let him doormat me so long, that he is used to it, and I am outgrowing it. And you're right, the words don't mean a thing anymore. I am not planning our future or even our tomorrow on anything this guys says. Actions.
Let him? We have no control over anyone elses actions.
Take it? Ok here in my view, we see how someone is to us. We cannot change them, so can I accept him and his behavior and how he treats me "as is?"
We either take someone warts and all as the saying goes or we come to realize we choose not to be around them anymore.
I would make a list of all the negatives, then the positives. Honestly look at this person on paper, do you really want them around? The actions you shared certainly are not those of a friend, of someone who really cares about us.
We can give ourselves more comfort than the type we accept from a sick A.
When you shared about not taking away his individuality, it is showing that what you may be doing is trying to change him. Boundaries don't mean we change that person.
Boundaries are for us to make our lives safe, they are the things we need in our lives.
I don't want anyone to smoke pot in my house. consequense, you cannot come here and smoke pot.
I will not have anyone using profanity in my house.
I will not allow anyone to attack my person. I want my friends to treat me with respect.
They are the things we need to be happy and live with out drama. NOT things that we are telling the A they have to do. The boundaries in our lives pertain to everyone!
If he was a girl friend of yours that treated you as you shared, would you still want her as a friend?
The person we call our abf or ah, is one who causes some confusing emotions in us. Put the fact they are an addict in the mix, adds even more confusion.
Your share was not boring at all! I found it very deep, and honest of you.
Again it is always up to us. Myself I know now after not having an A around for so long, that life is not ok with drama in it. People can treat you with respect ALL the time!
It makes some sense to me, as I have often thought that my friends treat me better than my so called "best friend". I even have male friends who treat me better.
And yes, he is "as is" I suppose. I am not ready to move on for some reason and I still remember someone here telling me that I will know when enough is enough. For some reason I still hold on.
I have made the pros and cons list quite a few times and the pros always come up way short.
I don't want to tell him what to do. I want to tell him what is unacceptable to me and he is welcome to leave.
I know I will not be working this program to its fullest (at least not for awhile, trying to take what I like and leave the rest) and that is why I come here for advice/guidance. I appreciate everyones' responses. And try to put into practice the more things I learn. It's easier for me that way.
