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Uhhgg! I'm so frustrated and need some strength please:)
As some of you might remember from previous posts - AH lost his job after being released from the psych ward because 30 days to mail a piece of paper to his work wasn't long enough, because I had the car one day, because he was sick, because .. well, you know, a hundred different reasons. So, he eventually started working respite work (which he used to do while in university for years). So, every weekend and a few nights during the week he works with kids with disabilities. (He has connections with a lot of these families as he's done that work for 10 years before he graduated and got his career job). The families and kids all LOVE him. He used to take all these kids to camp every year.
Anyway, so, last night, I went out shopping (malls were open till 11) with my friend. My daughter is at her biological dad's house this weekend. AH was at work till 9:00 pm. My friend was picking me up and so I called AH and asked him if he wanted us to drop off the car for him (cause before I decided to go shopping I was just going to pick him up from work). He told me no, he would take the bus.
I've never thought AH was drunk while at work until last night. I thought he sounded a bit drunk while I was on the phone with him, he was talking slower, a tad more mumbly, slower reactions to what I was saying ect... Anyway, so I said ok, see you later.
Fast forward 4 hours, at the mall, my friend comes up to me and says AH called her cell phone, she answered, no one was there, she said hello again, then AH goes : "oh, uh, hello? Oh hi...um, I was trying to call danielle". Then my friend said she would go find me (she was in a changing room and I was out in the store). Ah says: "oh, that's ok, just ask her to call me".
So, my friend comes and tells me this, tells me he sounded weird. THis is one of my best friends, she knows everything that's going on. So, I check my cell phone, No missed calls.
I call AH back, I say "hey you wanted me to call". He says: "Oh, ya, um..hey, I'm home now, just letting you know". He then talks a bit more about other stuff and I think he sounds drunk for various reasons.
I don't say anything, just listed then let him go and said I'd be home later.
10 minutes later, AH calls me back. He says: "Hey, uh, um, ya, uh, I was just talking with my sponsor and he's having a couple people over to play poker tonight, not for money, just for chips, so is it ok if I go over there".
I said: "well, you know I love when you hang out with your sponsor, but I don't think you should be driving right now".
AH says: "oh, um, duh, why, um why - I understand it's normal for you to always figure I've been drinking, my sponsor tells me that's normal, but I'm not drunk. When/why /where/how could I be?"
I said: "all I'm saying is I don't think it's best for you to be driving right now".
AH says: "ok well since you don't want me to go hang out with my sponsor, I'll just stay home then".
I just said: "ok, bye love you".
So, I get home an hour later....
AH is sitting at the table on his laptop doing his Addictions Foundations Homework...writing about getting through guilt and shame ect...
WHILE DRUNK!!! I think, anyway. Sometimes i STILL go crazy wondering if he's drunk or not.
When I got home, he seemed way more normal...talking more normal.
So, then I start wondering, did I imagine how he was talking before!?? Maybe he was just really anxious before? (Cause he was working with a difficult family that night and they used to always make him anxious in the past).
Then I think, NO, I'm nuts, stop justifying. Stop thinking about it, go away, focus on me, let it be, ahhhh but I can't! Not last night!
Then AH sounds so normal and is making sense and isn't his usual obnoxious self while drunk.
He did say after I got home "well, since you didn't want me to go hang out with my sponsor I stayed home and am working on my homework".
I told him "that's not true. I didn't think you should be driving. I would have loved for you to go be with your sponsor and if you really wanted to go, you could have taken a bus or figured something out".
he then admits I'm RIGHT! That he knows I just didn't want him to drive and that if he could have gotten picked up or walked over there, I would have no problem with him going.
So, I'm just feeling crazy this morning, well less insane than I felt last night, but I can't get over it! Was he drunk, wasn't he???
I used to just trust myself... 99% of the time I even suspect the tiniest thing, he is drunk. I won't concern myself, I'll go do something for me.
Last night was just different.
How messed up to you have to be to go to AA in the morning, go to an appointment with the Addiction Foundation therapist in the afternoon, go buy vodka, then go work with kids with disabilities while drunk?? Then come home more drunk and work on all your alcoholism homework and be thinking you are doing so great!!??
Is it possible for an alcoholic to go to AA every day, have a sponsor, go to addiction foundation individual therapy sessions weekly and then group therapy sessions, do TONS of addictions homework, all this great recovery stuff, and STILL be drinking?!! Still be drinking and talking about how much he's learning and growing?
If that's true, does it mean AH is completely insane?
AH got up earlier this morning to go to a 9:30 AA meeting with his sponsor....
I know I need to focus on me, work on me, but I'm finding it hard right at this moment.
I feel like I just took a giant step back in my program. . .
I feel like this would almost be easier if AH DIDN'T go through all the right motions toward recovery... but he does, he does so many things to get into recovery, he says he's an A and can't ever drink again, he knows that, he says he can't control it at all and he's proven that to himself a million times over, he knows he needs recovery to get his life back..
How many alcoholics admits all that, go through all the recovery motions and still be drinking??
AH tells me that his sponsor tells him that it's normal for the wife to think AH is still drunk even if he's not cause withdrawal can look like that and the behaviours are still there long after the bottle leaves...
boy do I relate, how he would phone me and i would know on the first few words he was drinking, how he would try to insist he hadnt been, then always admit it, but then there would be times I would stake my life on it, then see him and not know and think I had lost the plot, then start all the was he, wasnt he?????????
this must be so frustrating for you, my hubby as you know doesnt do AA or any of the programs, but he will admit he knows he cant ever touch another drop of drink, then before I left him he would suggest drinking the day after he said all that and I would ask him had he forgot what he said yesterday, and he would go into a big thing about how its not as bad a problem as he or I might think it was and at least he is not doing this or that, then I would think "gosh, he is right, its not that bad at all, god love him I suppose it wont do any harm if he had a drink tonight" and off we go again, then next day he apoligises, says yes its a problem, he wont do it again, and before you know it, off we go again,
so I know they can lie to themselfs and to us, whether that lie can continue through AA I dont know, when was the last time he had a drink? was it before he started all this hard work? or have you caught him drinking while on the program before?
Oh the vicious cycle.... we used to be there. Where AH would get drunk on the weekend, we'd argue, he's be ridiculous, then he would apologize, then all over again the next weekend. This continued for a few years.
Since then however, he's been suicidal in a psych ward, admitted he's an A, that he can't control it, can't ever drink again ect...
AH has been in the AA program, going to meeting for about 5-6 weeks. He usually goes to a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day. He got a sponsor about 3 weeks ago.
I have only caught him meaning I've only found the bottle of booze once since he's been in AA. He's only admitted to me that he got drunk once since being in AA, although, I know it's more than that.
He's sponsor knows he got drunk once too - about 2 weeks ago.
AH usually goes 2-5 days without drinking, then he drinks.
Right now, AH tells me he's been sober for 10 days.
If he did NOT drink last night, this would be only his 6th or 7th day sober.
He VERY rarely admits when he's been drinking.. and NEVER ever ever drinks in front of anyone.
Good news and bad news Danielle..... The bad news is you're right - you are (slightly) insane..... The good news is, most of us are, or have been right there as well.... :)
This disease, and living around it, makes us insane, and act/behave/do things that we would not otherwise do....
My ex-AW used to CHAIR AA meetings, and she told me (after she got sober) that she did this many, many times - drunk out her skull.... It is not uncommon at all for some A's to "talk the talk" i.e. surround and involve themselves fully into recovery program and tools, all the while continuing their drinking.... This is yet another example of why the disease is called "cunning and baffling".....
Sooooo.... it gets back to the same old story.....
He is either gonna drink (or kinda/sorta be in recovery while he still drinks) or he won't.... What are YOU gonna do?
Time to dive back into your recovery, and turn all that energy, focus, and frustration that you are currently using towards him & his addictiction, and turning it back onto you....
Take care T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
oh, AH also told me a week ago that he thinks I'm cheating on him. (not true). So, I suspect he called my friend last night, instead of my cell phone, just to see if I was actually with her... and not out with another man.
I think sometimes that AH is just only going through the motions cause he thinks that will guarantee him being allowed to live in this house. I sometimes think he just keeps trying to prove to himself that he CAN drink normally.
I do believe him when he talks about how he knows he can't drink, he knows he can't control it, he knows all the horrible negative consequences of his drinking.... But, he just can't stop... he just doesn't have the power to NOT take that first drink!
Thanks for that insight canadaguy! that is new to me and I never would have thought or imagined that someone would go that far, god, it really is a murky, deceitful disease, and i learning something new every day.
Danielle you probably have your answer now, that he is still drinking and I so relate to what your saying about him just trying to stay in the house, it took me about 19 years to finally fiquer out that my hubby was simply telling me what i wanted to hear, that he couldnt or wouldnt stop drinking I read recently (it could have been in Getting them Sober) not to issue ultimatums cos they will just appease us and tell us what will keep us happy, now I look back and see that that is exactly what happenend, which is why I got it finally a few years back and BEGGED him to be honest and admit he was never going to stop, but even then he lied to me and found new way to appease me which of course I fell for again,
All they do is learn better more convincing lies to tell us, and all we do is MAKE ourselfs believe them, I feel devastated for you that he is being seen to do all this work and still drinking, but its not much different to my hubby going to four years of therapy with an addictions counsellor and lying to her, me and himself, god, they are just so good at this avoidance stuff.
One other big difference..... I know, 100%, that YOU get it, and will get better, and choose recovery for yourself..... I can't say the same for your AH - not judging either way - simply saying that some choose recovery, others do not..... I hope, for all your sakes, he does...... but either way, you will be okay....
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It is natural we are going to wonder and be amazed at the denial our A's go through. We cannot relate to it, we are not addicts.
Though, when we get into Al Anon we learn that it just does not matter. We cannot change it or do anything about it.
So where we might wonder, we know to immediately to look at what we are doing and let go of it.
What I have learned lately is they really believe what they say and do. They believe it when they say they are not drunk, have not drank.
Sadly in my experience an A is insane a lot of the time. Especially when they are using. To me anytime we are not as clear in our minds as possible, we are not ourselves.
If you have been on pain pills, or when you get out of surgery, can you imagine driving? paying bills? being the best at your job?
Denial is that, the person just does not know what is going on. They do not see it, or have any sense of it.
I saw the word "caught" used. This is concerning to me. It sounds like you are waiting or looking after his addcition.
In the past I remember A would say as soon as he saw me I have not been drinking in 4 days or whatever. I said no matter to me. How are you? Most expect us to wonder about it first thing. What makes us do this?
When I let go and really believed, still do, that a persons disease is their own. I am not involved. What makes me not involved is the fact I cannot change it anyway.
Takes a huge weight off us.
If I have changed my eating habits because I am diabetic, I don't want anyone wondering if I have eaten cheesecake. The first thing they think of is I am diabetic. I am not my disease, I am me.
It takes practice to change our minds over. But it can be done.
when someone is A, they are going to use, they are going to lie, they are going to be more self centered than most, they are hopefully going to get some periods of recovery, hopefully LONG ones. BUT the fact is they are A!
A duck quacks, a pig has a snout. I cannot do anything to change that! I am not going to say to my Celie pig when I see her, oh ya still got that snout?? haha
I know its different yet it is not! We cannot change it so why do we CHECK to see?
Have shared my A called his one drunk self,"the other one." I just got used to it. Also he has mult. personality disorder. Talk about wondering who he was now!
I got where I just reacted to whoever he was, no big deal. Did not question.
You asked if he was completely insane. He just got out of a psych ward, he has seriously thought about suicide, he has drank enough to possiby be brain damaged.
I have also shared this before, I thought my ah was in recovery. No more alcohol. For a long time. Then saw money being taken from my account. His disease was beyond devious, snuck my card and checks.
Found out yes he was sober but maintaining on heroin. He acted like his normal self. How sad is that?
