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I don't need to define this as I'm sure you all know what I mean in the title. My problem is this. If I'm being anxious about a future event, I can usually work with it by reminding myself that I can't predict the future. My issue is the present (and I guess the past to some degree). And it's usually about my wife. If she says something or does something that really bothers me, I can't get it out of my head, especially when I believe she was "wrong" and I'm "right". MOre on wrong and right in a minute. For example when she tells my 9 y.o. that "you'll get diabetes if you keep eating waffles for breakfast" or "you're getting fat" to me that is wrong. It is unacceptable behavior (and yes she can express the concern she has by helping my daughter eat healthier without lambasting, harrassing, insulting etc. if it's important to here.). Stuff like that will mull over in my mind for hours, and days. I know it does me know good but a wrong is a wrong. It shouldn't have happened, it hurt someone, etc. I just can't get over that. I can't accept unacceptable behavior. My therapist constantly reminds me not to focus on the things I can't control but on the things I can. My problem is telling the difference. I keep feeling that there IS something I can do to prevent or lessen some of these behaviors but I can't figure out what it is. I know this sounds so typical, but when it affects my daughter it really bothers me. I can let attacks on me go a little easier but still have problems there. I know working the steps should help but for right now I'm stuck and it is detracting from my enjoyment of life. I haven't figured out how to stop this, or even if I should. How do I say to myself "oh well, nothing I can do, I'll just walk away and let it happen, or just forget about it later." Somehow that doesn't seem right. I'm going to post another thread on right and wrong after this, as I need some help with that too.
If she says something or does something that really bothers me, I can't get it out of my head, especially when I believe she was "wrong" and I'm "right". MOre on wrong and right in a minute. For example when she tells my 9 y.o. that "you'll get diabetes if you keep eating waffles for breakfast" or "you're getting fat" to me that is wrong. It is unacceptable behavior (and yes she can express the concern she has by helping my daughter eat healthier without lambasting, harrassing, insulting etc. if it's important to here.). Stuff like that will mull over in my mind for hours, and days. I know it does me know good but a wrong is a wrong
Hi Mj I understand your love for your daughter and your desire for her to be enlightened and cared for It appears your wifeis like my mom who told us deadly things would happen if we did stuff. It is controlling a child by fear and I agree it is not acceptable.
Remembering that were are powerless over others I had to find how I needed to change to stop these voices.
It helped me to write down my concerns and then write what I would have said in the situation. Then I would validate my opinion on the issue to my child at a later date. I would not make a big issue out of it but simply say Diabetes is a terrible condition maybe we can look up the causes on the computer
That way you have protected your child and taken action
In the moment that these things are going on, you may be able to say I never thought of that idea, let us check it on the computer. End of conversation and end of voices in your head
Betty interesting idea. It sounds like I can sometimes "fix" the situation instead of just agonizing over it. Take action instead of ruminating. Hmmmm that sounds like stuff I've heard in meetings before. Thanks.
I always point out to my husband something he says that might have a negative effective our on son, in the same way he might do so to me, there doesnt have to be a big argument about it, I say to him "honey, I would prefer if you didnt use scare tatcics, why not simply tell our son he has had enough biscuits" my husband would use the same way to point something out to me,
if your wife doesnt respond to that sort of interaction, then simply tell your daughter, in front of her that you cant get diabetes from eating pancakes, dispel the myth right there and then, you have a voice and a right to speak up, in a calm reassuring way to your daughter the moment something inappropriate is said,
your wife (like me) may have been brought up with all these scare tatics herself so she might not realise what she is saying and could be just repeating them from habit.
As regards your thoughts and feelings, why not think of letting them go, rather than saying to yourself there is nothing you can do about them, which will instill feelings of helplessness, so exchange that for something like "I choose to let this matter drop/go" that way you feel you have some control/power over the situation but are choosing to let it go,
I just have to chime in here. I was a pudgy child, although as I look back at pictures, I wasn't fat. I was bigger than my skinny siblings, and that made me obsess about being what I thought was "fat."
Your W telling your daughter that she is fat or is getting fat is completely unacceptable -- or it would be to me. I think it could be very damaging to your daughter. Consider all the girls obsessed with getting thin and even ending up anorexic or bulimic. Could you talk to W sometime privately and set a boundary that this is not acceptable? Perhaps you could enlist your marriage therapist (if you are still going) to address it with her. Girls don't need any more pressure than they already get from TV and movies.... Just my $.02.
Hi again, I also meant to speak to your wife in private, but that if she insisted on continuing with saying stuff like that in front of your daughter, maybe say something like "mummy is right, some people do get diabetes, but for that to happen, etc etc etc, and I dont think that would happen to you darling" so that your not correcting her, but your also not filling your daughters head with unreasonable fears, you could also say something to your wife like "darling, have your forgotten that to get fat you would have to eat like this every day all the time etc etc" that would lessen the blow and show your daughter another prespective on things.
