The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I am again. ABF is the one who got tasered a few months ago, was sober for about 3 weeks, then went right back to drinking and I kicked him out. I've done really well at focusing on me and my daughter (she's not his daughter). But I still talk to him. And as much as I've detached, I still care about him. I still worry about him. I accept that his choices are just that, his. And that he is solely responsible for his own life. I can't cure him. I get that. I can't save him.
So, today, he got fired (they haven't told him why yet, but I suspect it's excessive absences, plus the fact that he took off sick last Friday and his coworkers saw him a the bar, drinking beer, that day). He also got evicted from his housing. He has literally lost everything. His job, his home, all of his friends, me, most of his family. The way he was talking tonight, I worry that he is going to harm or kill himself. He swears he won't, but I just don't even know him anymore.
Of course, when I found this out, my first instinct was to "fix" things. Then I immediately stopped myself, reminded myself that HE got himself to where he is, even though he wants to blame everyone else for everything (he blames his coworker for reporting seeing him at the bar -- like it's this guy's fault he got fired). He still cannot or will not see that it's HIS choices that have gotten him here.
I will be okay, I think. I've been detaching for a while now, taking care of me and my daughter. ABF had been helping me out a bit financially, as I had pretty much supported him for over a year, so I'm concerned about the financial aspect, but it will be up to me to get the bills paid. What I'm really worried about is his well-being. I will not let him live here. I will not support him. He will have to do this on his own. But I'm scared of what will happen to him, and I'm not sure what to do with this fear. If he kills himself, I think I will feel responsible. Even if he doesn't kill himself, I worry how he will survive. It's cold here -- he can't live in his car. How will he eat? I know, none of this is my problem, but how can I just not care?
Not asking for advice, b/c I know we don't do that here. Just had to get this out. I'm trying to hard to have compassion yet detach, and it's hard to know what to even do anymore.
Let me tell you an A is very resiliant. Believe me he can figure it alllll out. There are shelters,places to get food. He will be worrying where to get his alcohol first. When he gets his final paycheck, alcohol will be number one.
Sadly they must get cold, wet, hungry, miserable enough to find survival is number one.
So as you know the one we care about is you. You are doing the right things, you are not rescuing or babying him.
I have shared I used to picture my A in this huge HP hand. In reality he was having a great time staying at mommies and or this old womans house drinking and using other drugs.
Look how we are concerned and care hon, then think about this, how much did he care when he lied and went to the bar, knowing he could lose his job?
Maybe he needs to have this disease get worse so he will get better.
I am not even concerned anymore. They are adults, just because I care does not make worried. Does no good.
We cannot care enough or love them enough to make any difference in their life.
He needs to learn to care for himself. Like us he needs to love him self enough to get well.
Even people with cancer and other diseases fight to get better. He needs to figure that out for himself.
Maybe knowing this will help you.
For me I keep busy, get into my own life. My AH may be out of prison/jail now. The old addict he hosts off of is terminally ill. I HOPE he ends up on the streets. I know after all these years, he needs that.
HUGS For you, so glad to see your great progress. You have helped many with your share. love,deb
Aloha AG...do what you read as suggestions here. The suggestions made to you and to others. They vary very little because the program is a simple one that works wonders when worked. Don't work it and the insanity becomes almost insurmountable.
I interferred with my alcoholic wife's bottom. I told her she wasn't alcoholic. I refused to get into Al-Anon for myself and the consequence was beyond belief...A very bad life got even worse.
It's normal to be frightened and the fear will lessen and then go away when you reach the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and commence the program for your own self.
I was scared beyond imagination but when I finally got into the program I more afraid to leave it than not or go back to the alcoholic situation.
Most often the alcoholic has to loose everything in order to find a God of their understanding and sobriety. Stay out of God's way. Stay with MIP and Al-Anon and keep coming back.
Thanks so much, guys. I was starting to feel like maybe I'm a horrible person, to let him go down in flames like this. But I have to keep reminding myself, I'm not LETTING him do anything. He is doing it on his own. I gave him as much support and love as humanly possible. Didn't make a difference. So I will not waste my energy on it anymore. I will turn that energy toward me and my daughter, and trust in my HP.
It's funny, lyndebi, that you mentioned how even people with cancer need to pursue treatment. I said this to ABF a few months ago, that even though he has this disease, he still needs to actively seek treatment. That people with cancer, AIDS, diabetes, etc., have a disease, but that the first step to healing is to get treatment. Cancer patients have to endure chemo/radiation, diabetics have to drastically alter their diets and maybe take insulin. There is still personal responsibilty involved. It was like talking to a wall. He will only go into true recovery if/when he is ready. And he may never be ready. I can't imagine a further "bottom" for him than where he is now. But who knows. Trying so hard to stop feeling responsible, to stop worrying. This is a real test for a codpendent like me!
I truly do appreciate your responses. You are lifting me up.
But I have to keep reminding myself, I'm not LETTING him do anything. He is doing it on his own.
See, you knew the right answer all along!
Most alcoholics need to feel the sting of a whole pile of negative consequences before they see a need to seek treatment. And the kindest thing we can do is not to protect them from the results of their own actions.
Difficult, I know, when we care about someone -- we just want to shield them from some of the harsher consequences. But alcoholics are like cats, they usually manage to land on their feet.
In a prior relationship with a recovering A, I reconciled with him for the last time because he was threatening suicide. I didn't even want to be involved with him, but I had enough feeling left for him (mostly pity) that I didn't want him to end his own life. We lasted about two months before he dumped me to go partying, and it was a huge relief to be done with him. That was almost 4 years ago, and he's still going strong -- obviously I was being manipulated.
Now, faced with a threat of suicide, I would alert the proper authorities and let trained professionals deal with the situation, not play "rescuer" myself.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Thanks, ythannah. I do feel like I'm being manipulated. And when my first instincts kicked in to "save him", I realized that I can't. No matter what I do, the alcohol will come first, and I will just be hurt again. I briefly thought about letting him stay here, but that would just cause more upheaval and stress for me and my daughter, and would not change him at all. He really will have to figure this out for himself, and I'll have to learn not to feel responsible for whatever happens to him.
He didn't really threaten suicide. I said to him, "I just don't know how you're going to live with no job and no money." And he said, "I won't." Then, when I asked him if he was considering killing himself, he denied he had just said that, said he'd be fine (oh, the gaslighting drives me crazy -- trying to convince me he didn't say what he just said). I realized then that he probably won't harm himself -- that he's just fishing for me to jump in and save him AGAIN. Not gonna do it. Please God he doesn't really harm himself.
In my experience we think a lot more about suicide than they do. Because if they killed themselves, they wouldn't be able to drink. That sounds like a joke, but I mean it.
If he really were ready for things to be different, he could go to AA, stop drinking, and turn his life around. That's available for him nearly any hour of any day. The fact that he's not in a meeting means that so far he prefers his life this way. It's not a dilemma he's in but a choice he's made.
From my experience, you could check back one week from now and you'll find that he'll have a place to stay and even though he doesn't have income, he'll have managed to supply himself with alcohol for the entire time. We expend a lot of worry on their behalf, but they just carry on carrying on. If they wanted to change, those meeting rooms are always available.
Keep on taking care of yourself and your daughter. It sounds as if you have great instincts.
Sorry to hear of your worries and his problems. I know when it comes to his life, as program says: "you didn't cause it, you cant control it and you cant' cure it". This is about detaching I guess....a topic I also struggle with often.
its understandable that your frightened, but I have been reading lately, that they HAVE to fall, he will survive, keep telling yourself he is nearly there, as you said not much more can go wrong, its only when they lose everything recovery begins, god bless you.
(((jettiesgirl))) I understand your anguish and hear you loud and clear. Don't know if this helps, but last March, when my AH was probably hitting his bottom (I hope), I turned it all over to my HP and was gone OOT for a week. I KNEW that I couldn't help him and I knew that if I stayed in the situation, I would try. I firmly believe now, looking back, had I NOT left, he would be dead now. I had to put the responsibility back in his lap for him to "get" it. HE had to reach out for help, HE had to search for his sobriety, I couldn't and wouldn't try to "enable" him any longer.
Our marriage has changed a lot over the months. He is sober today. I have become more trusting. One day at a time, but it WAS worth that week of pure hell when I left him to his higher power. Peace.
Thanks again, everybody. Had a rough day today. Very anxious, can't eat. I keep reminding myself to trust in my HP, to stop obsessing about what he's going to do. Easier said than done, but I'm working it. Now I just need to focus on my finances, and how I'm going to keep a roof over my daughter's head. Somehow, we'll be okay. But boy, this is horrible. Honestly, if I'd known when I met him that he would turn into this person, I would have stayed miles away -- never would have opened myself up for this.
