The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight I surprised myself. My AH came home from work, ate and then took his usual horizontal position on the bed. During this time, I watched part of a movie with my older daughter and played marbles with my younger daughter. He then went to AA. During this time I watched home movies with my daughters. He returned with a bottle. While he resumed his horizontal positioning, I put the girls to bed. While listening to my youngest read to me before bed I was feeling like I was doing all the parenting, and I had this fleeting twinge of resentment...but then it was replaced with a sadness. I thought"How pathetically sad it is for him to be missing this. These are moments he'll never get back. Although I feel overwhelmed and at times resentful...thank God I am the one who gets to have these wonderful experiences and make these memories". I was pleased with myself for not dwelling on the resentment and letting it drag me down...it was almost automatic (about time I learn this, as I have been at Al-Anon for 10 months) to think "Wow...how sad it must be for him to be like this...and thank the Lord I get to be such a positive part of our children's memories." Although I am pleased with how I didn't dwell on my resentment and anger...it seems to have been replaced with a serious sadness, a sense of loss for what should have been. Is this a normal phase to go through or have I taken a step backwards in my recovery? Thanks, Looking for Peace
Dearest, this is very normal when we feel loss to feel as you do.
Let me tell you, my kids father died. I still after 29 years I still feel so sad about all that he missed. His grandson looks so much like him, his daughter is beautiful. He would have loved fishing with the son he raised.
The way you feel is part of loss. To me you sound good, not bitter, which tears us up.
You are a good mom. It is sad that your A is so sick hon. But I am telling you, your being such a loving mother means everything. love,debilyn
He went to AA and came home with a bottle...two conflicting things. From experience in program for the alcoholic to drink inspite of the program is hard drinking. He might be just drinking next to his bottom and his Higher Power is hanging with him while he makes a decision about "next". Going to a few open AA meeting might be good to do to just sit and listen to the hope that comes from around those tables. I know what is going on inside of him and hope that the tension is so great that he will want to quit for good and never have to go thru it again. His hand is reaching out and in my heart I hope he finds the hand of another alcoholic who will help him scream "Uncle" ..."I'm DONE!!". Sadness of course and with recovery even that is temporary.
It is sad, but it sounds like you're making the best of it. I really ID with your post. It reminds me that I have to focus on the blessings of having a wonderful child and being able to spend time with her.
