The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so glad i found this community. I've been married to my AH for almost 17 years. We have one child, an 11 year old boy. My highest priority is to protect him and try to make his life as normal as possible under the circumstances. I drink as well, but have cut way down (with no effort which was a huge relief). My AH acknowledges his drinking but has said many times that he will never quit drinking beer. He's getting progressively worse as time goes on. Now because he only works part time he goes to a bar every afternoon so he starts drinking around 2 and keeps going till he passes out. That's during the week; on weekends it starts around noon. My biggest fear is that he will start drinking before he goes to work and get fired. He reeks of alcohol all the time which he doesn't realize. It seeps out of his pores and it's very obvious when he's been drinking.
My son gets that his dad drinks a lot and he suspects that his dad is an alcoholic but we haven't actually talked about it. I don't know if I should have that conversation unless he brings it up. I asked my therapist and she didn't know what to tell me. If and when we do talk about it, it will be difficult to keep it to the "it's a disease" theme because I'm still so resentful and angry about the whole thing. I would be interested to know how other people have handled this situation.
I tried going to Alanon meetings about a year ago but now I'm working full time and there isn't a meeting convenient to my schedule. I'm in therapy but again, my schedule keeps me from seeing my therapist very much. I'm also on 2 anti-depressants which help keep the worst of how I'm feeling at bay but I'm always on edge when I'm at home, not knowing if it will be a good or a bad night for him. It's a relief to know that there are online meetings I can go to. I know they don't replace the face to face meetings but in my case it's all I can do.
Welcome! I, too, have an 11-year old (although mine is a daughter), along with another daughter and a baby boy. My AH is stepdad to my two older kids, but I can relate very much to your protective instinct.
Welcome You definitly landed in the right spot Can't tell you if you should or should not explain to your son his dads disease, but I will give you my own experience My father was an alcoholic, I was fully aware by the time I was 4 that my dad was a drunk but no one would talk about it. I had a little friend down the street whos dad was also a drunk....at 4 mind you i was fully aware of her dad being passed out and reeking of alcohol. I said to my friend your daddy is a drunk like mine. OMG you would have thought the world had come to an end. The little girl told her mother who promply called my mother. And I recieved my first beating and sent to my room without dinner. I learned that day to "get with the program" and keep it all a secret. That was a life time ago....now they have books that can help you explain to your son that his dad is sick. Because I can guarentee your son knows. But as the parent you have to make the final call on it You can help him inderstand what he is seeing or feeling or you can leave him to draw his own conclusions as to what is happening. I wish you all the best Blessings
Well, for me, alanon has been my saving grace. If not for having a sponsor and using the tools that I have learned here and relying on my Higher power, I would be lost. Resentment comes from having expectations about things/people. The first thing I learned coming into alanon was that I have to learn to detach from the person who is using and do it with love. I did not cause them to drink/use drugs, can't cure them and can't control them. I can only change me and control me. If I yell, scream, argue, use silent treatments or try to force solutions, it doesn't work to change the addict/alcoholic in my life. I am learning to take care of me, to focus on me and use my higher power as a source of help. I got a sponsor and am working the steps so I can see my own disease, which is codependency and being an adult child of dysfunction. Healing you helps heal your family. The book that is offered here Getting Them Sober changed my thinking dramatically. Courage to Change is another great book. The Language of Letting go and The new Codependency are also books I use a lot. Take care of you, that is what Alanon is for: You. Welcome here and keep coming back! It works if you work it :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Glad you found us, and hope you can get lots out of this site, as there is a wealth of knowledge and experience here....
Tom
p.s. by the way, "it's a disease" isn't really a "theme", it is factual..... Alcoholism differs slightly from other diseases, as there IS an element of choice in it, but rest assured, it truly is a disease.....
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My son was angry and blaming himself for his dad's disease. I took him to a ten week course about abuse and went over a book with him that really made the difference. He was also in weekly therapy sessions for a year based upon his action to harm himself.
He really took to the book and looked at alcoholism in a whole new light. It made all the difference for him.
I chose to talk to our son about it as his therapist suggested it and I felt he needed to know it was not his fault in an effort for his self harm actions to be ceased. I didn't know the book really took hold until he was around his dad again and then I really saw it.
Me working an al-anon program was helpful for my son and for me. It was my saving grace and my son's as well through me.
Al Anon can teach us to not evaluate our A when they come home. We learn to concentrate on our own self.
One thing for me is if I love an A, I am as secure as I can be financially,shelter, car etc. That if my A did lose his job, I am still ok. And my child if i had one.
Being married to one with a disease, it only makes sense to not depend on them. I learned how to really depend on myself right here on MIP.
It does get so much worse when they keep using. Breaks our hearts. To have kids involved makes it infinitely more difficult.
The meetings here are wonderful, as is the chat room. You can always pm people too. The message board is a huge family who LOVE everyone who comes thru the doors! We all help each other and don't even realize it.
