The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been keeping open communication with my kids. They all know they can talk to me about anything and they have come forward to talk to me.....it's been great and therapeutic for us all.
This week my youngest son said he had a dream that his dad was parked behind a fence watching us, and he went running inside to tell me so i went to go talk to his dad and then he sees me getting shaken around inside the truck and my head getting shoved under the seat, so he ran out yelling at him and dad slapped his face. My second oldest son said he woke up at 3:30am and swore he heard his dads drunken coughing.....it scared him to death, said he froze and couldn't move. Of course my youngest daughter keeps worrying about him coming to the door at night peering in though the side window.
This is just breaking my heart how they fear him like this. I know he would never hurt them and i know they know this....but the mental part of what he has done has really done some damage. He is so clueless as to what he's done to these kids, but we all know well that is the addictive mind. In his mind, I've poisoned the kids against him...haha...whatever.
I told my kids to push thoughts of him out of their heads right now....to think of the good things in their lives...that we have each other, our friends, our futures..and that is what we all need to concentrate on and let him be.
There is one huge positive that they are all very very excited for.....my oldest comes home for two weeks on Sunday!! We are all super excited!! This will be exactly what we all need, what perfect timing!
our fears/worries/anxieties comes out in our dreams, keep talking to them so they can say their fears out loud, and that they learn to talk about this stuff rather than pushing it down inside, tell them its okay to be scared and you understand why they are and then tell them that you are there for them and you will keep them safe, my heart goes out to all of you,
failte
-- Edited by failte on Friday 17th of December 2010 12:12:03 PM
Tough stuff, but it's a reminder that we need to reassure our kids that they are "loved and safe"..... at all times....
My sponsor used to remind me (over and over) that I could not assume responsibility for my kids' mother, and/or her relationship with them - I used to try to answer their questions about "why does Mommy do ......... " - all I could do was reassure my kids, over and over, is that they are "loved and safe"....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
They have seen their wonderful father turn into something they are terrified of.
I shared with you about my son, exactly what you just said! He said he would see him watching him on the way home from school. Or saw him parked watching him.
Once ran into the house and barricaded himself into his bedroom! We can reassure them all we want, but they know what they think they know. Plus you have been there all along!
I like to ask myself, "what is the worst that could happen?" So A is watching me. What a waste of time.
Are they afraid he will kidnap them? Harm them? What is the fear? That for me is what to work on. Takes the scaries away.
To be validated as to our feelings is so ultimate. I am more one to work on those feelings than to try to pillow them.
They have seen things that honestly scare kids so much. Also think about when we get in to it with someone. I mean even an argument or whatever, until we make up it feels uncomfortable until we do.
They have seen him so angry and mean to you, myself if I could have I would have had the A meet us somewhere safe, when he was more him. This way they walk away feeling more at ease. (pm'ed You hon)
love,deb
-- Edited by lyndebi on Friday 17th of December 2010 02:19:47 PM
Geez that is rough i am no dream interpretur and as the kids know thier dad would never hurt them physically thier fears in thier dreams are manifesting the phycholigial ( spelling) tramua they are feeling into physical violence It is wonderful you have such an open relationship with them and they feel safe sharing with you. That is so critical. Agree totally with Tom's suggestion that you keep reminding them they are safe and loved Blessings
