The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I had our first huge fight in almost 2 months on the phone this morning. I am ashamed to say that my 7-year old heard my end of it.
I am done (for the most part) obsessing over what my AH said and did. I'm trying to focus on how to discuss this with my 7-year old tonight when I get home from work. I want to talk about what happened with her, and find a way to turn it into a learning experience for both of us.
when my son was younger and heard us fight, which thankfully was seldom, but we are human and it does happen, I would explain to him that sometimes mummy and daddy would be a bit angry with each other and shout and say silly things, I would point out that all mummies and daddies get angry or fight, and then they say sorry and make it up and forgive each other, ask him/her what he/she heard and how did he/she feels about it all, sometimes kids either hear more than we believe or they dont hear as much as we think they do, so use that to gauge how he/she feels,
This is a tough one.... For me, it really depended on the age of where my children were at the time.... When my kids were 7, I think I would have tended to just offer them some reassurance, i.e. "Mommy and Daddy sometimes have some disagreements, but it has nothing to do with you, and you are loved and safe"....
7-year olds can often taken on your arguments as somehow thinking it is their fault or responsibility.....
Just my two cents.
T
With respect to the 'learning experience', I fully agree - as long as your motivation is to educate, and not bash your A in front of the kids, the more educational opportunities for them to get age-relevant information about the disease, the better....
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks guys. You know, I don't really have any notion of saying negative things about my AH to my daughter. I'm thinking something more along the lines of a discussion about how it's OK to be angry and frustrated, but it's important to express that anger and frustration in a way that isn't harmful to yourself and others. Then talk about how Mommy and AH (who is her stepdad) were arguing about some grown-up stuff, and Mommy was very angry and didn't express it in a good way, followed by a talk about some better ways to express anger.
I have had that happen with our son. I used it as a tool to teach him that adults also have emotions, need skills to deal with them and that mistakes can be celebrations to higher learning.
I just talked with him about my behavior and that it was not the best way to handle it. I shared with him ideas of how I can do better in the future and how it is possible to put a plan into action. He had some really great ideas for me. :)
It has opened up dialog as well for when he is not handling his emotions so well. I just share my experiences with him and then he provides ideas for change for himself. I would like to believe we have a close bond that is built upon mutual respect and an openness to share our experiences without judgement, guilt or shame.
I started this in many areas when my son was about four. I would "accidentally" spill my drink by not using two hands etc. By the time he was six, his personal problem solving skills were great, and getting better all the time. It is where he is dealing with the behaviors of others that don't apologize or acknowledge their issues is where the hard part is. We are working on that and my Al-anon program is aiding greatly.
