The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, I am new here. I had a tramatic event occur tonight regarding my alcoholic dad. I did not know where to turn to, where to go for advice so I searched the web and found this site. I'm hoping to find some sort of advice from you wonderful people. So my dad, he has always enjoyed his liquor but I'm told he was usually just a social drinker. That changed in 2008 when his mother died. He started drinking immensely from there. But tonight, it became the worst it has been yet. My dad didn't come home from wherever he was until 2AM. Usually he is home at 8PM but this week he's been coming home later and later. I heard him pull up in the driveway so I went to the window to watch him. He was looking around on the ground when he suddenly fell face first into the concrete. Naturally I ran outside to make sure he was alright. I already knew he was drunk. When I got there he was crawling around on the ground looking for his keys. I found them, in his briefcase, along with a bottle of brandy which was empty. He then completely collapsed onto the ground, not passed out though, and despite a few attempts, I eventually lifted him up. Since he was so drunk he could not communicate nor function properly, I stood him upright and with both hands under his arms holding him up, I guided him to the house and laid him on the couch to sleep. This was so horrific for me, it has never been this bad and I am incredibly worried now. He couldn't talk, barely walk, and he had this look of hopelessness on his face that saddened me to no end. What can I do? I want to help me more than anything but I don't know what to do. He knows how I feel about his drinking, we've tried to get him into rehab before but he declined; I think next is an intervention? FYI I'm in my twenties and live at home with my mom and dad. I also don't understand why he feels the need drink constantly. I realize it is an addiction but he knows that all of us, everyone in the family, hates it and that we want to help him stop. Why can't he see that? Does he? If anyone has any helpful information or advice please don't hesitate to tell me. Thank you all for reading this I appreciate it so much.
-- Edited by xtal on Friday 17th of December 2010 08:20:38 AM
If you have not already found it please look online or in your phone book for in person Alanon meetings. These meetings will help answer all the questions you ask. IF like me, you will find it very easy to find the time and energy to attend when you are in a group of people who understand how you feel because they have experienced very similar situations and feelings. They may or may not look like you, be your age or economic level but they will care deeply because they can relate. The unique feeling of love and acceptance is unlike any other. Hope you feel this here online too, but there is not real replacement for in person support and love and acceptance.
You did not cause this, you can not cure it and you can not control it. You can learn how to cope, how not to make your family situation worse and how to have a happy life no matter if your dad gets help or not.
Alanon is to help you... and sometimes the Alcoholic in your life finds help as a result of Alanon or Alcoholics Anon. and sometimes they don't but you can find peace, happiness and understanding.
One of the things that was new for me was the idea of focusing on me and my happiness it seemed selfish... but it really is all you have control over and is the only way to be able to "help" anyone when you know what is and is not in your control and living with an alcoholic makes us feel like all is out of control yet we "should" be able to do something about everything. Accepting what is out of my control and controling the things I can was a big step for me.
Peace to you and yours!
-- Edited by glad on Friday 17th of December 2010 09:15:14 AM
-- Edited by glad on Friday 17th of December 2010 09:16:46 AM
Here is what I was told when I entered the doors of alanon (and Adult children of alcoholics and codependents annonomous): I am powerless over others. I am powerless over their drinking, drug use, choices, etc. I am powerless over everything but me. I can change me and only me. I didn't cause the person to drink/use drugs, I can't cure them and I can't control them. Those are our 3 C's. As a codependent person, I thought I could care take and manipulate and control everything with questioning, advice etc. I thought if I yelled, coerced, gave a silent treatment, or tried to force a solution, the other person would change their ways. None of it worked. I can't do any of those things. I can only focus on me, and turn to my higher power for strength and guidance in all things. I use the tools I have learned here, on CODA and ACOA, my sponsor and my HP to learn a new way to live. I have learned I have to detach from the person in my life who is using or drinking so that I can be me and he can be him. I have learned to let go and let God. When I allow him to be himself and not hate him but his disease, I feel better. I have realized that the symptoms of my disease are obsessing over people/things/future events and trying to control everyone else to cover my pain, while the symptoms of the alcoholics disease include drinking to cover their pain. We have the same disease, just different symptoms to handle it. Alanon is for you, to take care of you and learn new ways to handle life. Welcome here. This program works if you work it.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Dear Xtal I am so very sorry that you experienced this very painful event. I understand how difficult that situation was for you and how despertate you feel. You have been lead to the right place. Alanon and MIP know as few others can the panic and despair caused by this terrible disease of alcoholism.
One of the symptons of the disease of alcoholism is that it tells the sufferer that they do not have a disease. It is progressive and can be arrested but not cured. The alcoholic must decide he needs help in order forrecovery to be successful. The best you can do is learn all you can about the disease and get to meetings so you can learn new tools to live with and find peace again.
Everyone living with this disease has been badly infected and needs help. That is why alanon and MIP exist.
Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities as you have heard. There you will find others who can relate to your pain and offer different tools to live by. You will also find literature that can help ease your concern and show you to a road that will work for you and your family.
We have meetings here 2xs a day and of coarse posting to the board also helps to break the isolation.
You are not alone There is hope and help
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 17th of December 2010 10:18:46 AM
x I know that must have been so horrible! Let me tell you though, in my experience, we leave them where they fall.
For him to wake up in the front yard, be embarrassed, humiliated will teach him so much more than our rescuing them.
When we rescue them, it only takes away a learning experience.
We ourselves need to take care of our self. If we eat too much and feel sick, we quickly learn not to do it again.
I know it is winter so I myself would bring him in BUT would leave him on the floor.
For you, there are Al Anon meetings you can attend to learn more and be able to handle it all easier. We learn "tools" that will naturally come to use over time.
I researched addiction a lot. It is the addicts first though, first goal, always. Unless they get into a plan of recovery and learn to change that though to a choice of, today I choose not to drink.
It is best for us to learn how to not react to their disease. It takes time and practice. For us we get stronger, wiser. And in turn it actually helps the A in our life that we love.
I am so glad you are here. Hope you keep coming back. You will get many wonderful responses. love,debilyn (book,Getting Them Sober, volume one)
First of all let me say I'm so sorry you've been going through this. It is frightening and you can feel trapped, scared, powerless. You are powerless over alcohol and your father's alcoholism, but you can help yourself, and by doing that, there is hope to help him too. Alanon will help you with figuring out how to make it through this and come out stronger on the other side.
I'll share my ESH (experience strength and hope) which I hope will help. Take what you like and leave the rest:
2 years ago, my alcoholic boyfriend was coming home drunk and passing out on the front step and the kitchen floor. I realized there was a problem. That was a first wake-up call that there was a problem....over the past two years, we have gotten better, worse, better, worse, better counseling, arguments, therapy, tears, tears,long talks....we got engaged. I love him. But alcoholism doesn't just stop. I felt totally in the grasp of this problem, trying to control it and losing over and over again. It was terrifying. I found alanon over the past two years and gradually (or rather in fits and starts) it began to help me, and help me figure out healthy boundaries and take care of myself. I am stronger and much less scared.
Another thing I found really helped me a lot while I was in crisis was the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, which many on this board recommend and which Canadian Guy (Tom) offers for free as a part of his service to alanon. It's also easy to get over amazon, etc. This book won't directly make the other person sober, but it will help you so much, and hopefully, eventually, him - it's a straightforward guide to getting saner and feeling better.
I hope you will soon find comfort and hope in the loving support and help that is so freely given in alanon. It really is the best place to go when you are experiencing crises caused by the disease of alcoholism.
Best wishes :o)
-- Edited by Imogen421 on Friday 17th of December 2010 07:29:37 PM
(((xtal))) welcome, so glad you found this place. When I first came here I was looking for answers on how to get my husband to stop drinking. I soon learned that's not what this program is about. It's about learning to help and take care of yourself first. You cannot make someone else do (or not do) something. The only one you can change is yourself. I also couldn't understand at first why my a chose to drink himself senseless. He knew I hated it, it was wrecking our relationship, he often hurt himself while drunk, etc. But I learned as much as I could about alcoholism and it made things easier to understand. I learned not to take it personally. Maybe your dad will eventually decide he wants to quit, will go to rehab, join AA, whatever. He has to make that decision for himself. But I hope you keep coming back, there is so much to be learned from the folks here. This program really does work.
I am sure that was horrifying for you to experience I will first go along with the suggestions already been given that you find an alanon meeting in your area and run don't walk to the next meeting. We also have great meetings her online. Also as stated above we learn how to care for ourselves while our loved ones are going about thier business Know this is a progressive disease, it does not get better until ther person accpets recovery and to get them to do that we need to let them feel the consequenses of thier behavior. Such as your dad falling down outside, passing out you will learn in time to place a blanket over him and let him wake up in the front yard in front of all the nieghbors ( unless the weather is such he would die of exposre). My son is an addict, I stayed in denial for the longest time until I grasped the alanon concept of letting them feel the natural consequeses of thier behavior. Once I grasped that I as painful as it was let my son feel his consequeses which ended him up in jail for the last 13 months....thankfully they put him on a rehab unit and they now let him out each day to go to work. He seems to be on the right track now I i can just hope and pray he stays that way as I also know recovery holds no promises and it is a daily battle he must fight. I too saw the most incredible pain in his eyes and racked my brain as to where that pain came from because trthfully we thought we had given him an idlic childhood and teenage hood. To this day I dont know what caused his pain but he had and hour to kill the other day b4 he had to go back to jail and we went shopping and I purposly looked in his eyes and he looked genuinly happy. i can only pray again that he stays that way. If you don't seek recovery for yourself I can promise you this you will become more and more emeshed in your fathers disease that you will lose yourself so I strongly urge you to seek your own recovery ASAP. You are powerless over your father, you can't save him, only he can do that for himself. But you can save yourself and I pray that you do. Blessings
xtal, There is little I can add to what the others have said, but I would really emphasize that you get yourself to alanon meetings asap. Your mother , too, would benefit from meetings, I'm sure.
I feel certain you did the right thing by bringing Dad in out of the cold; it's right to try to save a life. I lost my brother from such a fall, and would not wish that on anyone.
Please feel free to attend our meetings here online 9 a and 9 p eastern time. If at all possible, get out to face to face meetings near you as often as you can too.
That's my input, and I am so sorry you have to go through this pain. Believe me, something will soon go right after you get involved in alanon.
Aloha X...Alcoholism is a progressive disease...if not arrested by total abstinence it will result in insanity and or death. You were witnessing the ongoing insanity and also your Dad's body very close to death. When a person who drinks cannot function in very basic levels the level of poisoning; intoxification is high. Simply the best thing to do is make a 911 call just as if he was someone who took rat poison. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical...it is a class A drug and you already know that it kills people even without the use of other weapons like cars or guns. You were watching your Dad approach the doors of death...That all is from my experiences. The last drunk I saw in your father's condition I called for paramedics (911) while still driving by.
It is true that you didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it (3Cs of Al-Anon) however you can call others who are skilled and available to help him in that hour of need. Before I learned the 911 option I also handled a family member that way. I don't even know if 911 was available however my default thought was that "I" was to take care of the situation without recogninzing..."Hell I don't even know how to handle the situation." For the sake of your community, yourself and your Dad I'd be hard put today to return his keys to him. This is one issue locally that I am working on in a community on an island that has the highest DUI count in the entire USA. Under the influence there is absolutely no ability to think about the safety and care of self and others...none, zip, no how no way. Last victim here died as a result of a 3 time offender. How many times has your Dad driven drunk as the disease has progressively gotten worse for him?
Just for me and only after the fellowship taught me and allowed others to teach me about this life threatening disease I do things differently while I attend Al-Anon and AA myself.
In support...prayers for you, your family and your father. ((((hugs))))
I grew up in an alcoholic home with a lot of mental illness. My two sisters are alcoholics. Al anon has helped me tremendously to deal with the aftermath of both my upbringing as well as with whatever my current situation is. As a child growing up in that enviroment I was on survival. I have learned new skills now, detachment, focusing on myself as well as finding ways to deal with anger, sadness and fear. I am glad you are reaching out here and looking for support. There is a great deal of love, care and tenderness in this room. Whatever you do with meetings face to face and going to a program in your area, know we are here and willing to listen, empathize and care.
