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This evening was my 8yr old daughters Christmas concert. AH knew about it, he knew our daughter wanted him there. Yet... as always, come noon, he started his drinking. I reminded him early this afternoon that she wanted him there, and he got mad at me.. Telling me how bad his back hurts ( ok, yes he has a bad back ) but to me that was just yet another excuse. I told him that she really wanted him there, but if he really didn't want to go then fine.. He had to tell her and explain why.. Which he did. By the time we finished eating, he was really feeling the booze.. He was fine enough to play rough with our 80Lb dog, knocking over a bookself and breaking a porcelain snowman in the process, but yet couldn't attend this concert and have family time. Our two boys were going to stay home with him, but they said they wanted to come with me.. And so they did. I'm not surprised that he didn't attend, and wish that he could have laid off the beer for the evening. On the other hand, I'm glad he didn't come because the overwhelming stench of alcohol would be coming off him. It just makes me sad that my kids are going to have memories of Dad not attending special events.
I hear my story in yours......with four kids, my exAH missed so many important things because of drinking. So so so many.....the worst that always sticks in my mind is when our oldest got hurt on the football field and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and he wouldn't answer his phone because he was off hiding and drinking and I had to play stupid to every other parent that came to the hospital to make sure my son was ok...and make up a reason why his dad wasn't there......wow, reading that I feel so horrible for putting my kids through all that.
I believe that because our kids grow up seeing this behavior from their parent, they learn these traits and will then carry them on in their adult relationships. Our daughters will grow to want a man who is like their father....someone who is not emotionally or physically there for them. Our sons grow up to learn how to treat their wives....so therefore, do we continue raising our kids in this environment, or do we show our kids that we have choices. That we can choose what is right and wrong, what we will and won't tolerate.
I'm so sorry your family was once again disappointed by the actions of a very selfish A :(
That is sad that your A can not be there for his children That is his delimma so to speak to own....at some point your children are going to want answers and he will have to speak to his actions. Personally as much as your daughter may have been disappointed tonight it is better than her being humiliated by a drunk dad ( that was my experience and I was horrified ). So she was saved that experience thankfully. Blessings to you and your family
(((((Evian)))))...that really is a deep dark hurt for youngsters yet they have a larger capacity to forgive and love than I did into adulthood. I've worked with alot of them and have always been surprised at how fast they come to understand and let go of being stuck in the problem. I thought that it was because they had less time in the problem that they were able to change so quickly. I hope for your daughter and your sons and for you. Alcoholism brings a lot of pain to those it touches and expecially to the innocent victims.
((Evian)) I'm so sorry you had to go through that - so sad.
One of the worst parts of this disease, for me anyway, is the having to make up excuses to all the parents..why didn't AH answer the door, why was AH being weird, why was AH in the hospital, why isn't he here ect...
I don't make up excuses with my family and friends anymore and I felt so liberated once I got to that point, but I just can't speak the truth to all the parents, the dance parents, the soccer parents, the school parents...
It was my 11 year old daughter's Winter Concert the other night, I think AH was drunk..or maybe withdrawing, I have no idea, he just was weird and awkward and honestly, I wished he wasn't there with me at all. I would have rather been alone.
I sat there crying watching the little kids sing and dance, remember the good old days when my daughter was younger and I was happier. I was crying feeling sorry for myself, mad at myself for all the moments I could have enjoyed with my daughter but instead I was too focused on the selfish alcoholic. AH was asking me what was wrong....trying to hold my hand, trying to turn my head to face him, I was just so frustrated and sick of it all that I just wished he was not there.
Then, he started crying.
So, just picture it. . . .
Two adults, sitting there beside each other crying at a elementary school winter concert.
I felt like we both should have been taken away to the psych ward.
Anyway, I know it was hard and sad but like another poster said, it is better than him smelling of booze and possibly humiliating you and your kids.
It's the same story here with my exah and our 6 yr old son. Talent shows, Christmas Concerts, Dance Recitals, Christmas Parties, Meet the Teacher... always me on my own with our son. It makes it easier to explain since we are separated, but to my son, I am sure it is painful that Daddy can't be bothered to participate. But, like a superhero, exah will be entirely enthusiastic about "how was the concert??!!!!" and our son will let him know. I guess that's all exah CAN offer our son.
Recently I've also had to switch to a plan B in our son's presence and take him right back home after arriving at exah's apt where our son was to spend the night. It was at that time that I had a discussion about exah being an alcoholic and what that means. It's a conversation no parent wants to have with their child, and yet, it was a conversation that is based on reality and is necessary. Prior to this my son (at 6yrs old) would ask me things like "Mommy, does Daddy do drugs?" This one floored me. I simply said, "I don't know sweetie. Those are things you have to ask Daddy." It alerted me that our son is much more aware than what I gave him credit or than what I understood. I wasn't protecting him from his intuition.
I am finding that trying to raise my son alongside an A is an impossible task, for me. Even when we were together the parenting was never cohesive or partnered. It was an illusion. Now, exah has a tonne of parental advice for me, whenever my decisions are not easy for him. I've learned to ignore them, consider the source and I certainly don't scramble to please him anymore.
I am thankful that at the very least, my son has one parent who is plugged in, loving, kind and isn't afraid to establish and enforce expectations and boundaries. It is my hope, that my son be one day also.
Rora
-- Edited by Rora on Friday 17th of December 2010 06:32:15 AM
This post takes me back. I get it. In my situation, my exAH was always working (where he could drink and be high in peace). I made so much effort to get him there... the reminders, calling, texting, saving him a seat, offering to pick him up, getting there and scanning, scanning, looking for him... Ugh! The kids saw my anxiety, and honestly, I think I was more concerned about his presence than they were. I was the one who made them think it was really important he be there. I also always wondered what the other parents were thinking? Would they think he wasn't a good dad? Would they think he didn't care?
Once we were separated, I made a conscious effort to just worry about me. Initially, that came with some resentments, but finally I just had to accept that he was the one missing out and I was doing the best I could. I made sure he knew of the event, and that was it. Honestly, I wish I had done this when we were together. It freed me up so much to really be able to enjoy, and realize that it was his loss, and my kids would be okay. My kids knew I would always be there. Now he is completely sober (and God willng, we will be officially divorced next week) and he is the one contacting me with reminders of events. Funny, how that works...
As for my kids memories, it is weird, but they don't really remember him not being around. They love their dad, and it seems they just remember the good times and enjoy who he is now. I know I projected a lot onto them, and I think a lot of my behaviors and reacting to the exAH were just as unhealthy for my kids as I thought his absence was.
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Loupiness, your reply really helped me or reminded me of things I can work on. ..
I think a lot of the 'tension' my daughter picks up on is coming, usually about 95%, from me, from the resentements I can't let go of yet, from my frustration and dissapointment ect..
I have to remind myself that a lot of the unhealthy behavior, comes from me. Not that I blame myself for behaving certain ways while living with an insane, immature alcoholic...but, there are a LOT of times, A LOT of times I wish I could be better at not letting his behavior bother me, I wish I could have just stayed calm and not projected tension and annoyance into the atmosphere... I KNOW that is what my daughter picks up on....
it is hard to stay calm and not resent someone who has plenty of warning, and the whole day to get ready to attend and then doesnt, even if his back is hurting him, its not wrong to want to have a normal family outing and not to want to see your child hurt or let down.
what you might want to do is in future, remind him once of an event, then try really hard to not dwell on it, then tell the kids to go ask dad if he is ready, and let dad tell them he is not coming, then its completely between him and his children and he can be the one to explain
I had to learn this with my son, would talk to him about holidays, meals out, social events and he was always wanting to go and would plan it with me, then on the day, he would cause an argument and not come, eventually I didnt want the argument and taught myself to just accept that he wouldnt come so not to even ask him, my husband on the other hand would get very upset and angry, and sometimes embarrassed, and I have to admit it is VERY embarrassing when my son doesnt show for family occasions, but we would go and the event would be ruined anyway,
my husband eventually got it to just accept that he wouldnt come so not to invite him, and for us to go and enjoy the event and take something positive from it, I still get a bit embarrassed but at least I am not angry and upset,
reading all these posts brought me back to my own childhood and how my siblings and I had to go to everything alone,my mother NEVER attended, and my father would only go under duress and was very occasional, we as young children had to attend everything alone with no parents and it was awful.
sdisnie, studies show that girls do "marry their fathers" and boys "marry their mother" thats especially true of me, a father is the only male we know and grow with, so we pick our husbands/partners with that in mind.
failte
-- Edited by failte on Friday 17th of December 2010 12:45:24 PM
Looking back I used to be so deeply upset that my son's father was not there for special times, and even if he was there it was in body only.
I spent so much time grieving for my son and that brought out anger towards my A. I started looking at it as a learning experience for our son and bonding time between he and I. I used those times to teach him about alcoholism, not not to take it personal. Basically all the things I learned in Al-anon. Many of those things I had to fake for him as I was so angry with my A and hadn't really gotten that part yet, but I did the best I could.
When dad entered the picture again after leaving for a year, our son had a talk with him. He told him that he understood about alcoholism. He was six at the time. He shared that dad is stuck to alcohol like a bee is stuck to a flower. He also said alcoholism is like dominoes and that it first knocks the A down and then all of the people around them. That was how he started the talk, provided his dad love, a non judgmental attitude and understanding. I felt my heart bursting, my eyes welling up and a feeling of accomplishment. It was so hard to separate my issues with my A and do what was best for our son, but at least I was successful in that area.
Our son has learned some hard lessons, but if channeled the right way, they can be the most valuable lessons he can possibly be learning. He takes those lessons into other areas of his life. I am so proud of him and his growth. It was all due to the A in our lives. I am grateful.
