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Okay, I have worked out a lot of my resentment and misgivings about my AH. I realize it doesn't hurt anyone but me to hold on to this, yet there is one thing I am having a hard time working through. I am going to share with you all and hope that putting it on this board will help me work through this.
This year I had my 30th b-day. I don't usually make a big deal of my b-day, but this year I was really excited to be turning 30. My AH knew this and took me out to eat at a nice place, had flowers waiting for me at the restaurant and also had a plant delivered to me at work. We had a great time eating (no drinking involved) and at the end of the evening we kissed and said goodbye- he had to work out of town and was leaving to go to a hotel closer to his job site.
Anyway, a few weeks later, I learned that my AH proceeded to get drunk after he made it to his hotel and have sex with another woman who he continued to have a relationship with for a few weeks (until I figured it out) while out of town and drinking heavily.
After months of therapy, treatment, you name it we have done it to try and work things out, I am still holding onto the fact that the man I have been with for 14 years was with another woman after he was out with me on my birthday. At this point in time I am nervous about my next b-day. I want to let myself have peace about this and I am not there yet! I do love him and things are going well at this point in time.
I feel better after typing this. Thanks for reading!
how awful for you, something like this would take a long time to get over, I think I read somewhere its around 2 years to work a betrayal out of your system, some women try to move on and get past this, others cant do it and end the relationship,
give yourself a little more time, your world has been rocked,
failte
-- Edited by failte on Thursday 16th of December 2010 02:23:56 PM
This sounds familiar. I had the same type of issue, except it was the exA's bday. We had a great time, daughter cooked him a cake, he was so happy with his "little family" then he ran off and spent the weekend with another woman.
The next year on his bday I told him this might be an issue for me. I didn't think I could be as excited about his bday. I am not usually one to dwell on dates of bad things happening, but for some reason - this one got me and I prepared him. I took him out to dinner, we had a nice time. Then he got mad and yelled at me for not getting him a card or a present. "What kind of girlfriend does that?!?" Hmmmmmm
So the next bday of his we were together - I have still not really resolved this issue in my heart. What did work for me was shelving it. It really did work! I had requested that we go to couples counseling and that issue was at the top of my list to work through. I knew I couldn't resolve the trust issues I had by myself and definitely not with him. Just setting it aside worked really well. I knew it was there, knew someday I would have to focus on it and work through it - but for now I didn't. I just tried to enjoy myself, make him smile and feel special with no baggage. The baggage would be waiting for me another day.
You have a right to be nervous about it. Betrayal is a HUGE thing. It takes time and work to heal and build back the trust.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
the ex A who I was with once took a friend of his (not a woman) to the restaurant he had booked for my birthday dinner. I made a huge deal out of it for years.
I think for me personally the ex A had to sabatage things. He could not allow himself to have good times, a good relationship, a smooth time. He had to agitate it all up so he had an excuse to turn to drugs and alcohol.
I felt tremendous resentment at the exA. I have still lots of them to work through. I don't know that it is a formula to work through them. I know having distance and adjusting the boundaries helps.
These days I expect alcholics and addicts to mess up on significant holidays. I know they are incapable (if they are active) of taking care of things.
My expectations changed and my resentments narrowed. I still have them but they are not the complete obsession they once were.
Aloha Lilac...It was easy to forgive my alcoholic wife for the infidelities once I got wrapped up in the truth of the 4th steps. I was in her life from infidelities myself so the me and her were doing what we would do under the influence. (people will do things they would not normally do while under the influence...Alcoholism second semester Al-Anon.) So it wasn't about me however what was about me was changing the things I can and those parts of my life which came under the subject of "unmanagable". These kinds of events came under that category and not only with this alcoholic but also every other relationship I had had up this that time. I did not stop getting into addictive relationships and the behavior was normal in those.
What I learned was that I had to investigate what I was doing and why and to get to changing those things in me. I had to understand that the behavior was unacceptable for me to do and to allow others to do while in an intimate relationship with me.
I needed to rebuild my value systems and Mahalo to Al-Anon for helping me to recognize that and then give me the tools to follow thru on it. My HP approves of the change. I keep building on it and working it right along with you.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
PS...The negative genital problem I was developing also changed and went away.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 16th of December 2010 03:21:15 PM
I am so sorry that he did that to you......it seems to me that addiction and cheating go hand and hand. My A cheated on me numerous times throughout our marriage, it is so painful and hard to get over and you always have that in the back of your mind. I still think about some of the things he did that I found out about from 16 + years ago!!
The sad thing is, even if you get through it, in the back of your mind, you will always be suspicious of things they do or say if something in what they do or say doesn't add up. Betrayal is one of the hardest things to overcome I think. It cuts so deep, and while you know that a lot of it was because of a drunken spree....it doesn't always make it much easier.
If you both are committed to healing and moving forward, you can heal, it will just take time. Be good to yourself!
My A did those same types of things. His birthday and mine were usually his day of choice. I found him in bed with the woman he was having his emotional affair with the morning of my birthday a few years ago.
It has been a long and tough road regarding that incident and others that were also very hurtful. For me trust is a huge factor, not forgiveness. I have to work on not taking it personally. He has always had an issue where other women were concerned and I was always concerned he would have an affair with a female that he works with. That fear came true, and come to think of it so do most of my fears where he is concerned. That is why projection is such a challenge for me to not do.
I'm sure I will never forget such a thing. My birthdays have been hard since then, but each easier with time. Hopefully it will get better. I can get over it on my own, but I can't create a relationship built upon trust. That's the hard part.
Sorry that happened to you. I don't have an A spouse but I grew up in this disease and have found your experience to be quite common. My sister is a recovering A and she had a wonderful husband and she had multipule affairs and still managed to blame her husband for thier divorce. It takes me back to this is a cunning and baffling disease Blessings
Hmmmmmm