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Get involved, knowingly, in an relationship with another A?
I've asked myself this alot lately...wondering....
Being single and in the dating world I have discovered that this is an area I struggle with. I know social drinkers, I myself will have an occassional "social drink" once or twice a year. I notice the red flags now and watch actions before I listen. I see it is out there in the dating world more and more, and honestly it scares me sometimes. Once I see the slightes indication of a drinking problem I'm gone...I continue to date when I have the time, but live just for today most days and have shy away lately from anyone wanting a committed relationship..I'm very honest upfront in what I am and am not looking for.
I've also become friends with a very nice gentleman from AA...24 yrs sober and whom I share a lot of laughs and recovery with. We share many similarities, but that "wall" is always there on my end....I remind myself daily "he is an A-you know what that holds in store" and that bothers me on some level even though his recovery is important to him.
I ask myself...I watch mysef....I question myself...all things I never did before AlAnon. My recovery and my HP have become the center of my happiness...finally. I guess we all get here when we need to...but sometimes I still wonder...
Progress not perfection...Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
If I had known when we were dating that my now wife would become an alcoholic, I would have run for the hills. I grew up with alcoholic parents and I never would have wanted to have raised kids in this environment. But here I am, doing just that. Thankfully my wife is working the AA program...without it this would have been a disaster.
But to me, this is all part of God's plan...ultimately I now have an opportunity to deal with unresolved issues from my childhood as a result of my wife's drinking...whether I do it or not is another story...
I have said to my therapist a few times--it's AMAZING to me that after growing up with 2 alcoholic parents, I find myself married to someone with a drinking problem...someone who showed no sign at all in all of the time that we dated that she had any type of dependency on alcohol or that she would ever develop one. The only thing that makes sense to me is that this is how God planned it...
I agree, and loved your response. I am a work in process and am learning how to be in this world one day at a time.
I have a partner for over 23 years who does not drink and knows how I feel about the subject. I do know, and so does he that if he ever started to drink, i would be gone in 60 seconds.
I would be friends with someone with the disease, if they were a good person. I guess just becuz they are A does not make them bad.
Well I am sure. I was thinking tonight that my two best friends I have known since I was a kid, are both drinkers. But both women are successful, not having the horrible problems. no dui's or anything, long term relationships.
But science is teaching us there are different levels of addiction. Just like different kinds of cancer. Some people diabetes is controlled much easier than others. Some need insulin some do not.
Mine is completely controlled by diet and how I live.
so I gotta say it depends on the person. NO NO NO never, ever, ever ex AH NO NO NO.
Doubt I would marry an A though. hmmmmm debilyn
-- Edited by lyndebi on Wednesday 15th of December 2010 10:37:27 PM
Well, I am trying to learn to never say never. Seems the minute I do I turn around and do exactly that. If I said I would never be with an A again, there would be one in my bed tomorrow, we would be married next week, and beating the tar out of each other emotionally and happy in our misery.
So - that said - I don't really care who or if I end up with anyone. I just H O P E that I am wise enough to take time to get to know them. To learn to respect and trust them and they me. One thing I have learned is that we really do play different roles in various relationships. I would never have expected me to be who I was with my exA or to do the things I did. But I did. So I think we bring out different aspects of people's personalities - and they do the same with us. So if a sober A walked through the door - there would not be a scarlet letter of the same type on his lapel.
No expectations - no disappointments.
The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry. ~ David Duchovny
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Like UsedToBe, after two A parents, I avoided anything that looked like a potential alcoholic.
My ex-husband wasn't yet an A, but the signs of problem drinking were certainly starting to pop up and I'm pretty sure he's struggled along the way. After all, his dad was an A.
After that, I was in relationships with non-drinkers only. Alcohol was the boogeyman. That was back when I was smarter than I am now, lol. But my choices in partners were no better, even though they were sober. Then, when I found myself single again at the age of 42, restricting myself to non-drinkers seriously limited my already tiny dating pool, so I widened the door to recovering As. After all, I reasoned, non-drinkers could be walking around with the same issues as As, it just didn't manifest as Aism. And I knew a lot of really good people with decades of sobriety behind them, so I figured that people in the program had worked through a lot of stuff and come out better for it.
My first recovering ABF was a complete disaster. So, a year and a half after that one ended, I picked yet ANOTHER recovering A.
So, even though I know better, and I've said "never!" since I was a teenager, I don't seem to listen to myself. The good thing is that all this brought me to the doors of Al-Anon.
-- Edited by ythannah on Wednesday 15th of December 2010 11:17:01 PM
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
If I knew before what I know now I would not get involved with an A. There were so many traits of an A that were what I was seeking without knowing it. Having grown up in an A home I knew no better.
I guess I can't say never as I have said that about some things in my life and that didn't always turn out the way I thought it would.
I can say though that it is highly doubtful I would ride the roller coaster with someone other than my child's parent. For me it is much too easy to say bye when the first signs present themselves with no long term bond.
I am happily married to my AW for soon to be 19 years. Have there been times during those years when I wanted to leave? Absolutely. Have there been times when I wished we had never gotten married? Many. Were there times when I wondered if I could be happy whether the alcoholic in my life was drinking or not? Of course.
With that being said it's easy for me to wish she didn't have the disease. I would love to be #1 in her life. But with acceptance I know as long as she is actively drinking that will never be the case. For years that was a huge resentment for me. I know now I was the only person who was being effected by that resentment. I had to let it go, if I didn't nothing was going to change. That was my part in it. I'm grateful to be #2. I have married friends and neither drink that would love to be #2 in their spouse's life.
Would I do it over again if I knew what I know now? Probably not. It takes a lot of program, understanding, love, and acceptance. But at the end of the day I know absolutely my wife is a good person. A faithful wife. The good times far out weigh the bad. And we love each other. I have many close friends who can't say those things so I'm grateful.
My wife has a disease, a disease that is cunning, baffling, and powerful. I know that. I accept that. I can only hope one day her HP leads her to a lasting recovery. If that day comes, who knows, I might move up a notch to #1. Until then, thank you Al-Anon, thank you MIP, and thank you HP.
I've learned alot of things in Al-Anon and only one of them is the definition of "insanity"
I've also learned that the world is populated by millions and millions of alcoholics and distilled alcohol made its debut on the face of the earth from the east 5000 years BC. The chances that I would be born into the disease from both sides of my families, would genetically be predisposed and would marry two and have relationships with many others both male and female tells me alot about me and alcoholism. I learned about me in Al-Anon and now I know. Knowing what I know now would I...very doubtful and still possible. Only one of my marriages to the alcoholic was intentional and against my own awareness that I shouldn't and I knew about her problem and should have known about mine. Today I know me the person I have the most control over and still need Higher Power to get the job done. Besides if I were to be honest with another alcoholic partner about my past and who I was back then they might just choose to pass on me.
I like how you keep your wisdom and awarenesses actively working for you. That is recovery. (((((hugs)))))
The first date I had with hubby he stood me up as he was at the bar, I was upset and angry, although I do love him and he has enhanced my life, if I knew then what I know now I would have walked, its been hard work, and an aggravation I could have done without, let down after let down, lie after lie, although we have matured and grown together, I still believe I had the ability to mature and grow alone, and could have saved myself years of hurts and disapointments.
Usedtobe, I believe in God and that he has a plan for me, and I too have childhood issues, but I found my husbands drinking added to those issues and hooked me into those childhood feelings, and got in the way of my own recovery program and stinted my growth, I also belive though God has a plan for us, we can still be pro-active and look out for ourselfes, I used to think my husband was part of Gods plan, that perhaps without my husband my life would have been more chaotic, that he provided me with stability, now when I look back, I see he just provided me with more hurt and pain when I was already so very damaged.
I think that perhaps although your wife didnt drink when you met her, that there might have been some trait in her from her own childhood that was passed down by being raised by an A, or perhaps from being a second generation A, that you picked up on, because they say it goes down through the generations,
having been raised by A's myself, I never wanted this for my son either, then I married one, so looks like no matter what we do having been gripped by this sickness given to us by our parents/grandparents our future to a degree is mapped out,
I dont know if I will reconcile with my husband, but what I do know is that I will never again be in another relationship, now, I am not saying this because I am bitter/angry, or afraid to trust my own instincts, though that would be part of it, the instinct thing, I say this because I have been in a relationship since the age of 15, only ever had partners that either abused me or a substance, and never had any real time/space to myself, I finally trust myself, like myself, respect myself, so I dont want to put my future into someones hand again, I am happy at last, and like being alone,
At 50, I want some peace, security, some me time, and if that means being on my own thats okay, its nice knowing I am in control now, and I am the one who decides if I am happy/secure/stable/settled not someone else.
When my a and I first knew each other and then a couple years later started going out, we were both social drinkers. Somewhere along the way that changed for him. He is a wonderful man with many good qualities. I love and adore him. But if I had known that he would fall prey to this disease.....I would have kept our relationship at the friendship level. Early in our relationship he asked me why I had stopped seeing my previous bf. I told him the truth-because previous bf was an alcoholic and it was more than I could deal with. Little did I know what I would be dealing with these days. But that's life. We can't know what's in store for us until it happens.
Hi Shelly, I sure could identify with your post, and subject title:) The answer would be no i would not lol.. the single most important thing that I have learned in reading the message board and attending meetings is that all people with addictions seem to do the same thing. I use the word all loosely here but I really dont think i have heard or seen any exceptions. It is a selfish disease and the ism's that accompany it go hand in hand. Addicted people without recovery seem to do the same thing to me, to be honest the only thing that I see that various is some are physically abusive and some are not and that would be it. All the other things that go with addiction seem universal. As far as a relationship with a recovering addicted person, for me the risk is just to high. I know me and I would be waiting for the shoe to drop, I just cant go there. But thats me. Thanks for the post its a good question.
I am struggling with this, because I was recently divorced from a man who was a rage-aholic. Why I married someone who was so angry? I am not sure. I was divorced in my mind for 4 years, but didn't get up the nerve to do it until this past February. When I finally did it, I felt relieved. I wouldn't have ever left, if not for my bf that I have now. He encouraged me to take care of me and get out of that cycle of abuse. My bf is an addict and alcoholic. He is also a codie and an ACOA. In my mind, I would never willingly go and live with someone who is an addict or an alcoholic. SOmehow, it happened. It is different than living with a rage-aholic, the man is sweet, kind, helpful, does stuff around the house, wants to have recovery, never yells, screams, or punches anything. Have I gotten over my childhood stuff and worked all the steps yet? No. Am I? Yes. At the end of that, maybe I will know better what I want to do. Right now, I am practicing the new abilitiy to wait to make a major decision. When in doubt, WAIT. I am working on me. I have a sponsor helping me. And I am learning I can lean on HP and take care of me. I accept me and am learning to love me. If I don't work on this, if I don't work every day on my own happiness, and keep to myself, I relapse. I have learned I can love my ABF and not love his disease. I don't love my disease either, I am forgiving myself for never thinking I was worth anything too... Maybe when this is all done and worked through, I will be able to answer this question better... Thank you
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I think this has alot to do with knowingly and willingly putting ourselves in harms way....once we know about addiction and all that goes with it..this is exactly what were doing....blessings :)
I agree with what others have said about the 'traits' or personalities of a person that they can have whether they are an alcoholic/addict or not. I have found people in my life that are not A's and they have similar personalities to an A......sometimes there are just the type of people we are attracted to for whatever reason, without complete intense therapy and changing who you are and how you feel, how you can become really attracted to someone who you just aren't attracted to just because they are the 'perfect' person. That's such a tough one!!
Great subject to really make me sit back and think.... If I ever were to divorce my AH, I would never even consider dating anyone with addiction issues. I had to really think about this and the conclusion I can up with was that I would rather be alone than go through everything that I have gone through willingly and knowingly again. When I went through it with my AH I didn't understand all that I needed to know regarding addiction and their/my issues. It was so gradual and too close for me to see clearly what was happening. I sincerely hope that I have learned enough about the disease and myself to never willing and knowingly subject myself to go through this ever again.
There is always good to come out of every bad. I am grateful for all that I have learned. I am grateful that my AH is clean and sober yesterday and today. I am grateful for all the wonderful people that I have met through Alanon. I am grateful to have been through the darkness and luckily made it though to the "other side". Peace.
Recently, I gave a man in recovery a second chance and, after he freely offers a verbal commitment of interest (not associated with an event), he disappears. It could have happened like this with any man, but I perceive this as an immaturity in his knowing himself and how he handled this. However, in my experience, the A personality tends towards an exaggeration of these characteristics.
Along with my Alanon meetings, I also attend open AA meetings and it has been a positive experience for my program. Going to the open AA meetings allows me to understand the disease and what recovery may or may not look like. Of course, there is the high risk of recovery changing at any given time...
I now omit an A and an A in recovery from my dating pool, but I am not honestly able to say 'never'.
This is a difficult one, because while if I did (which I wont) get back in the dating game, I wouldnt even date a man who drank at all, he would have to be completely tee total, but having said that I know men who dont drink and they can be just as abusive and controlling because they have been raised by parents who did drink, and of course I also know women who dont drink and can be controlling etc and have many issues too.
thats why I would rather be alone if I dont reconcile with my husband, am way too old now for all that dating lark, getting to know each other, finding out you got it wrong (in my case AGAIN) gosh, no, its much too peaceful and quiet now, rather have my dogs, at least they sit when I tell them to! Go to bed when I say they do, eat when I want to feed them and all they need is a walk, lol!!!!
Good question.... my main answer is NO, as in, no way, no how, etc....
That being said, I suppose if I was to meet someone (very) deep in their recovery, who wasn't just "saying" the program but also "living" it, I might consider it.....
In my humble opinion, the risks outweigh the benefits, so I would be hard pressed to ever enter into a relationship with anyone with addiction issues..... Now, "love" doesn't always make sense, so I guess we can't always fully control "who" we fall for, but.......
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
For me the relationship I "have to" have in front of all others is with a Power Greater than anyone else including of course me. If I don't have that one I have learned I can't have the others regardless if they are or are not alcoholic or whatever.
Short answer. NO, absolutely not! When and if I ever leave my AH I would never ever ever want to go through, or risk and take the chance of every having to go through, the pain and misery and sadness and all the BS I've gone through ever ever again.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life.
If I knew back then what I know now, I never would have gotten involved with my husband.
I love him so much, he was and now can still be such a kind, sweet, caring gentle, funny clever and witty man - and we had many amazing times before his drinking got out of control - but now, the pain and all the behaviors associated with alcoholism (selfishness, immaturity, irresponsibility, abnoxiousness, arrogance, self centerdness ect...) It's just too much. WAY too much.
I have one amazing daughter and that's enough for me... I don't need another child.
As I read your post, I feel like it could be a mirror to my own life with only a few details to change! It is amazing how we are drawn to certain personalities/characteristics without even knowing what we are getting our self into. I was 16 yrs old when I traded abuse at home to have a boyfriend who, little did I understand, was an active A.
To be honest I was initally attracted to my husband of almost 30 yrs because somewhere in the back of my head I thought him an A. Thats all I had ever dated. Growing up surrounded by addiction and being the caretaker for all my A's it was no wonder that I would be attracted to men I thought I could "fix" or take care of. Turned out the minute we started a family my husband and I became respondsible adults, found he was not an A ( we were both young and liked to party).... thank god Knowing what I know now my first instinct would be to say NO absolutly not. As we know recovery holds no promises so I would always be waiting for that other shoe to drop. However I know many people in the program who are the most wonderful people and totally commited to thier program. My sister ( a recovering A) has a bf who is also in recovery. I have met him 3 times ( as we live far apart) and this guy works the most amazing program I've ever seen. Normally I would worry for my sister getting into another unhealthy relationship but from the first moment I met her bf I trusted him completly and I trust my sister to his care. I truly believe he is the best person (male) she has ever let into her life. He is AA and Alanon. The funny thing is my sister's program isn't as stable as his, shes not relapsed but her behaviors are slow to change so I find myself a little more worried for her bf that he just isn't "needy" enough for her. So I would say if I found a person like him I ( if i was single) and strong in my own program consider a relationship But take into consideration that this opinion comes from a person who is not married to an A so I have not experienced all the things the spouses of A have gone through. My son is an A...very new in his recovery he is young and I pray for his continued sobriety but I also pray that his "label" does not inhbit his chance at a "normal" life. I pray he finds a nice girl, falls in love and he be able to live out his life's dreams without the label of being an A always being in the forefront of his life. Blessings
For instance, some people don't develop the physical allergy to alcohol until way later in their lives. Who's to say if the next person I possibly end up dating, possibly getting serious with won't turn out 10 years down the road to suddenly be an alcoholic? Even when I was careful about entering the relationship and pretty sure that he's NOT an alcoholic or addict?
I ask this question myself... would I be willing to knowingly date another alcoholic or person with some other addiction? Usually my knee-jerk reaction is "NO!" But when I think of it some more... it kind of smacks of me trying to control and operate on my will, not my HP's. Life loses its luster if I'm in a constant state of being on guard, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I'm not even considering dating anyone right now. Just not ready yet, and I still have some time yet before I've at least given myself that promised year off.
But when that year has come and gone, I still think I'm going to just try to live life as it flows around me. I don't want to *seek* someone to date. It sounds borderline like I'm shopping and treating other human beings as commodities. Let's see what my HP has planned instead, perhaps. Maybe I'll always be single, maybe someone interesting will come along and I will get to experience life with that person... who knows...
Since this posting is still rather active I would like to add that after over 25 years in alanon I am sure that an A would not find me attractive YEH Me!!!
