The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here & have a question. My Hubby is recovered for the past 6 yrs. We have been together for 18 1/2, married 13 & have 2 daughters.F For the past 1 1/2 I have been feeling very selfish. I have begun to drink 1-2 times wk. I have about 2 glasses of wine each time. Being on antidepressants (yes , I know mixing w/ alcohol -a Depressant is not good), sometimes the wine hits me hard. I also notice when I am out @ parties or w/ friends I tend to drink more.
My therapist & hubby say my drinking is making up for the 12 yrs. I DIDN'T DRINK or go out. This is causing issues in our marriage as I just want to be left alone to do WHAT I WANT. Hubby says my drinking doesn't bother him,.. but how much I drink & how it affects me to where I slur. BUT sometimes I just DON'T Care. Question is ...... Has anyone ever been in the same situation where they have sort of switched roles w/ the recovered person in their life????
Hi there.... my thoughts - you certainly wouldn't be the first person in Al-Anon, to find out that you actually needed to go through the doors of AA.... Sometimes the two are quite intertwined....
If your drinking has you concerned, it's certainly something you may want to address
Regards Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I've heard many stories of Al-Anon members discovering they have drinking problems themselves. It's not out of the norm, whatsoever. And if it's not drinking, then it's some other compulsory behavior, like over-eating, shopping, gambling, etc.
I think Tom, here, can provide you with a list of questions to ask yourself regarding your drinking.
I have heard it both ways, that the person in AA also needs Alanon and vice versa. I think when we do not look at our selves, and work our own program and do the steps with a sponsor, it opens it up for us to do SOMETHING to hide our own pain. Afterall, that is what we codependents are doing when we obsess over someone else, hiding out own pain. So if we use a substance to do that instead, it could be that we need to be at AA as well. Right now, for me, I can say that I have used certain prescribed medications to hide my pain in the past. And I would say, it could have gotten out of hand. I didn't let it, and instead I focused on other people so I wouldn't have to look at me and my stuff. I am learning now that I HAVE to work my program. Every single day. I can't for one minute stop looking at me. When I do, I lose it. I do get sicker quicker now, so I can come back to my recovery. I call my sponsor and we talk. Or if she can't talk I come to this board where I know I can find something to help me. Remember it works if you work it. Take care of yoU!
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
There are days I wonder if that is the road I am headed down...Then there are the days (which my therapist pointed out) where I wonder if I am making up for the years being the responsible one in the family by now going out & enjoying my time.
Quick note the other prob. we are having is that he has always been a nit- picker and I notice that since he stopped drinking, drugging & now he stopped smoking last year...everything is more intense for him. Even my children walk on egg-shells when he gets home...which therefore leads to arguments & my wanting to shut him out w/ a glass of wine.
BTW...He does attend Al-Anon meetings as well & my oldest daughter goes to al-ateen
-- Edited by nunu89 on Wednesday 15th of December 2010 01:03:12 PM
Is he still working a program in AA? Have you worked a program in Alanon? I know for me when I started concentrating on me, I stopped feeling like I had to take on the world and its problems.
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Yes he runs and attends meetings as, well as sponsers others.
I have attended a few al-anon meeting but have always felt very uncomfortable in them....Just Felt like could never relate to the people or their stories. This is why I have come to try this.
((((NUNU)))) Well, glad you are here. I don't get out to real face to face meetings, I use this board and the chat room (when I can) as my meetings. I have a sponsor that I met here because this is the only place I could find a sponsor. Please keep coming back, Miracles in Progress has only helped me to progress in my program. The book Courage to Change helped me, as did The Language of Letting go and The New Codependency. Take care of you :)
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I can definitely relate to the issue of having had no social life for years because I did not go out with the now Ex A drinking. Many of us have a struggle with many many issues. I personally stopped drinking 7 years ago because I felt drinking around the exA was not a healthy thing to do. He didn't see recovery but I had to look at many many ways I enabled him.
I work the program ( the steps) have a sponsor and try to keep honest with myself. There are many many days when I want to be left alone and to recuperate. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I know for me personally taking care of myself is a huge undertaking. I can take care of everyone around me but me. Focusing on myself takes a tremendous amount of work, dedication and willingness.
I have often heard it said that a true alcholic whether he drinks once a year or everyday that if he starts to drink he cant stop. I have seen it also, that my XA maybe didnt drink for a week and when he started again, he couldnt control it and it was more than just 2 glasses of alcohol, he would drink until he passed out.
Seems like your able to control it at two drinks a couple times a week, doesnt make an alcoholic. The sluring and the response to the drinking could be the medication adding to it.
Aloha Nu...Welcome to the board and reaching out for awareness and support puts you right at the door of the program. This is how it starts and you are talking with people who have experience doing the same thing and then experience following thru on what they found out.
Your drinking is bothering you...period. Forget the possible justifications for it and go find out if it is abusive and/or addictive. You know that you are drinking inspite of negative awarenesses and this alone screams that there is a problem. You have a complusion to drink before you have the invitation to and afterward you have the opposite condition of why some people drink...you're not happy and free you are concerned and feeling negative stuff...so it's not working.
You are drinking a mind and mood altering chemical and in relationship to females it will tear a woman up faster than it will a man. This is my personal concern for you as a female person. I hear a compulsion to drink...a drive and purpose to drink. Most alcoholics talk about this in their drinking experiences and at times in the rooms of AA you will hear one say "One was not enough and two were too many." I attend both programs and am considered a "double". I got alcohol free in Al-Anon and remove myself from a possible relapse in AA. AA is single focused...stop drinking and don't drink again one day at a time. Al-Anon has a much wider focus...all the stuff outside of the bottle...life and how to live my own.
Welcome to MIP...We're in support of your search and solutions. Click off this page and go to the AA page and lurk there and listen for the similarities between those recovering alcoholics and yourself. Go ask your husband where he keeps his AA Big Book and find quiet time to read it. There are 3 million plus of them in circulation. You are not alone. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
So, people cannot drink two glasses of wine, twice a week without the over reaction of searching for the big AA book!!
OMG, I had a limoncello last nite, and I have a glass of wine with dinner once a week. Many Europeans have a 1/2 of glass of wine every nite with dinner, does this make them alcoholics.?
Do you think a true alcholic has said to themselves "Gee, I notice I have been drinking more at parties". NuNu must have some self awareness , I think a careful watch , which she is aware of , without going all AA on her is sufficient.
. This is causing issues in our marriage as I just want to be left alone to do WHAT I WANT. Hubby says my drinking doesn't bother him,.. but how much I drink & how it affects me to where I slur. BUT sometimes I just DON'T Care. Question is ...... Has anyone ever been in the same situation where they have sort of switched roles w/ the recovered person in their life????
Welcome NUnu
I believe that AA and Al Anon members are the flip side to the same coin We suffer from the disease of attitudes and AA members escape into alcohol and Alanon members escape into people.
Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic and I assure you that from living with alcoholism you have earned your seat in alanon.
Many members do not feel comfortable when they first arrive at meetings . I did not speak for over 6 months after my arrival at the doors but I felt better after attending so I kept going back.I urge you to try again.
As far as drinking, I examined my attitudes and alcohol use and decided I did not like where alcohol was takiing me. I too " just did not care" about many things that were once important to me.
I stopped drinking over 25 years ago and started using al anon tools to find myself and purpose.. The journey has been most rewarding.
Please look for al anon meetings in your community , come here share, attend on line meetings and know that walking on egg shells is not necessary when you develop new tools
hi nunu, two glasses of wine twice a week is hardly an addiction/problem, I dont drink but if I had two glasses of wine I would slur too, sounds to me like your either just enjoying yourself now the heat is off your hubby and that you might be a bit angry/upset with him still which is perhaps why you dont care?
I used to feel like that when I did have a drink, if it relaxed me and i found myself letting go of all my pent up frustrations and worries, I got into a "why should I be the only responsible one, who cares?" sort of mood and wanted to be a bit wild,
I would hardly say that by having four drinks a week you have now swapped roles with an AH, not by a long shot, i also found that my hubby was miserable when he was sober, or off alcohol, he was a real pain in the neck, acted like a victim/martyr and was so unhappy, so you might be having a drink in an effort to cope with that an let go a little
I think I can speak for many of us here in alanon when I say we may not nessesarily be drinkers or addicts but we carry many of the traits of an alcoholic or addict. And our issues manifest themselves in different ways For me I was rasied into addiction, I have never known life without being surrounded by alcoholics or addicts. My current is my own son becoming an addict and my husband and I neither drink or take drugs. However I do have an eating disorder, ever since I was a teenager. And as many people told me of my issue no one could help me until I saw and believed it for myself and then began therapy. So I do not think you are unusal in any way that you have turned to drinking. How good of you now that you can recogize it and if you are willing do something to change it. I wish you all the best and hope you keep posting Blessings
Welcome to the MIP family, NuNu. We are so glad you are here. You have been given some very valuable Experience, Strength & Hope here.
My experience was this.
I drank until October 2008 when I walked through the doors of AA - had actually walked through the first time in August of that year - just took me a little while to catch on. I found those doors after spending some time in Al-Anon as I was dating an A in recovery who had just relapsed. He insisted that I get into recovery or he would leave (Al-Anon) and then once I chose AA he fully supported the fact that I was an alcoholic . Prior to getting together with him - drinking was a part of my life - but not a destructive part. Not that I didn't find myself slurring once every year or two - but I enjoyed drinking and it is a family affair in our family. No dui's - my daughter had only seen me drunk twice in 14 years and one of those times was spiked punch - didn't even taste it!
While with the exA starting in 2007 - we drank together heavily - that man could DRINK and I tried to keep up and to be honest - we had a blast (not that it was right - we did some REALLY stupid stuff). When we were not physically together things usually got bad - fights, abusive stuff - and I drank cause it made me feel better. This led to REALLY bad things. Drinking and driving on many occassions - even with my daughter in the car. Many mornings on the bathroom floor, missed work - it just got WAY out of hand. It progressed rapidly. The unhappier I got the more I drank - the more I drank the unhappier I got - kinda funny how that works.
I belonged in AA when I walked through those doors. My family and friends - even my daughter - were absolutely surprised that I did this. I stuck with it, got a sponsor - worked the steps - led meetings - did service the whole 9.
I stayed with it and stayed sober. To my friends and family's amazement. Recently I decided to start drinking again. I truly believe that abusive/addictive drinking is a symptom of an underlying problem. Now it isn't an issue for me. In fact, by drink two I am ready for bed - it just makes me sleepy. A lot of the beverages I used to love I don't like anymore - they don't taste good! They were simply something I liked because they got me drunk faster. When I have a drink now it is wine with a good Italian meal, Saki with sushi, a good margarita with Mexican food. I drink things that taste good to me and to have a little fun. Often times soda or water tastes better. If I order a drink, the keys go elsewhere. If the other person is drinking - I don't. One thing I have become vigilant about is that alcohol in any amount and vehicles don't mix.
It is just a beverage now. Though I understand the suffering and pain alcoholics go through - the shame, the guilt, the pain, the cravings - I am just not there anymore. I talked to my daughter about it because it DOES affect her life. If she was uncomfortable I wouldn't have even thought about it. If it makes anyone in my life I love uncomfortable - a beverage is not worth that discomfort. Her reply "I never thought you were an alcoholic. You just got carried away." I was just out with some sober friends last weekend that I hadn't seen in a while and I told them I was drinking. Their response was "I didn't think you needed to be here - but I am sure glad you showed up."
I wouldn't change a thing. And if I ever need them - I know where the doors of AA are and know the love and support that waits within. I live the 12 steps in my life daily and hopefully will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I value the experience I got in AA and think it really helps me in my work in Al-Anon. And I truly believe for many that if they take the next drink they could die. I understand that statement completely and honor that and their need to be there and my heart hurts for those still suffering.
If your drinking is a problem for YOU, no matter how much, how little, how often - then the doors of AA will always be open to you. Jerry's recommendation of grabbing the big book and having a read is a good one. I am sure there is at least one around your house. It is just a book and I promise you will learn something no matter what the outcome.
This is a question only you can answer. This is a decision only you can make.
Tricia
P.S. There was a time when the exA and I had both had some recovery under out belts - and that was a wonderful time. He wanted me in recovery so we could "speak the same language" and though I thought he was NUTS, for us , he was right. We aren't together now due to some crappy old behaviors we couldn't get past. But . . . some of our growth - our discussions of recovery . . . it was INCREDIBLE. We stayed out of each other's recovery - didn't give our opinions etc. - but we discussed the "ideas" of recovery - the tools - our thoughts and approaches - and I can't tell you how wonderful that was.
(Sorry for the length)
-- Edited by tlcate on Wednesday 15th of December 2010 05:01:11 PM
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Bettina - no one here gets to determine if anyone else is an alcoholic or not. That's up to the individual.
For myself, I've determined I don't have the physical allergy that locks me into alcohol dependence. Because of my family history, however, I choose to stay clear of the stuff most of the time. I'll only drink with friends, and only if it's some special occasion where I will not be driving anywhere later. I think the last time I had a drink was Labor Day weekend. I can tell you when I have a drink, I can actually FEEL the alcohol spreading through my veins. It's really weird and a tad freaky.
I definitely won't keep the stuff in my home. It's a dangerous road to tread. Just like how other allergies suddenly crop up and people discover they're suddenly allergic to things they weren't allergic to years ago, I feel the same holds for the allergy to alcohol. Who knows when that nasty beast will choose to rear its head? And while I may at some time be able to get away with the once a year social drink, if the allergy activates, then the drinking will become progressive as the disease is progressive.
But this is for nunu to decide. It sounds to me like nunu has some valid concerns.
Nunu - here's a link to the twelve questions if you feel you might really have something to be concerned about.
When I separated from my A, I was left with myself -- and when I stopped focusing on his addiction so much, I noticed that I had my own compulsions. In my case they were more "socially acceptable" compulsions, like people-pleasing, trying to rescue and control, overeating, etc. But they were just as compulsive as his drinking was. It was very unpleasant to think that I might not be exempt from all the faults I had seen in my A. But eventually it was a relief to admit it to myself. I think it happens quite often that when their compulsions are no longer a focus, we start to see what we've been driven by all this time.
Just to say that the slurring would concern me a bit. And you say you drink more at parties, so it's not always only two glasses... Alcohol is so addictive and damaging, and distorts people's judgment -- I think you are very wise to think hard about its role in your life. You may have not drunk alcohol for twelve years, but to some people that wouldn't appear to be a hardship ... to an alcoholic it might, though. What would happen if you decided to stop? I remember the book written by one recovering alcoholic who was thinking about starting drinking again. She finally thought, "If I'm really an alcoholic, I must not drink again. If I'm not really an alcoholic, there's no need to." Either way led to the same conclusion. If the idea of not drinking leads to resistance, anger, or the like, that would be something to think about.
I hope you can find some meetings you like -- there are Al-Anon meetings on these board twice a day, and you don't have to say a thing. I do hope you can keep coming back. You sound as if you've been through tough times. There are a lot of people here who know what it's like.
I just want to thank you ALL for your post. I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories with me. I have tried to get to the online meetings but I keep getting an ERROR MESSAGE. So I will use this board to help. I know alot about what to ask yourself about alcoholism. I am Pretty Honest with my Hubby about my thoughts & we have about a dozen Big Books in my house. I have read some of it in the past....But I just get myself to continue reading it (Guess somewhere deep I am not ready). I will continue to come here & post & hopefully something will click. I don't think I have a prob. @ the moment. I am trying to figure if this is just me making uip for lost time now that he is responsible...OR is it more? It is hard b/c Him being very into his sobriety & recovery I sometimes feel Maybe he is looking to far into b/c He is afraid & he is into his recovery. Others (friends, family) Have no concern & think that I am normal in my drinking! So I am trying to figure it all out.
