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Nic here, from Canada. This might be a lengthy post, but I will try to make it quick and easy to read. Also, it is about my sister, who is not an alcoholic herself (our father was). I really hope I can still get advice...
About myself
I am 25. I'm not an alcoholic. I do drink, but not to that extent. My dad is an alcoholic, however, and so is his dad. I have my share of issues (minor depression and some anxiety - usually all caused by my inability to leave unhealhy situations or relationships) but nothing too out of control. I have been in therapy for about 4-5 years now, working really hard on myself, reading books on the matter, all in all just trying to get my life in order. I could go on and on about myself, I guess we could say I had a rough upbringing with an agressive drunk dad, a mom in denial, and a out of control borderline crazy sister, but that's not what I want to talk about today.
My family in a nutshell
My dad drinks. My mom is the denial queen of the world, and I have one older sister (27) who is basically a 27 year old child with severe anxiety. She is the reason I am writing today. As for me, well, I am the fixer. I am the baby of the family, yet I am the fixer. Growing up I was my dad's punching bag (not physical, but yelling and degrading). Now that I don't live there and can stand up for myself, he has toned it down as I am not having it. The problem now is that my mom and sister constantly lean on me, dragging me right back down to their crazy dysfunction. I am the one working soooooo hard on getting healthy, while they are doing nothing to better themselves, and for some reason I am the one suffering the most from all of this.
Why I am writing
About three years ago, my sister started having severe panic attacks. She was hospitalized for about a week. She had gotten married and had a child about a year before in an insane attempt to fix her already broken relationship. She spent all her money and was in tens of thousands of dollars debt, unable to pay her mortgage, and she had used all her sick leave and vacation time at work. Needless to say, her hands were tied, BY A SITUATION THAT SHE CREATED. My opinion is that anyone in that situation would have panic attacks.
That being said, I had been through the anxiety thing before, and this was the first time for her so I came to her rescue. I spent most of the time with her in the hospital, I gave her advice, tought her about the books I read, gave her a crash course on anxiety, explained that it's not dangerous, encouraged her to go to therapy, gave her relaxation techniques, and so on. I did everything for her.
You can probably guess what happens next. She gets out of the hospital, she gets a divorce. She spends all her money again, uses her sick leave. Doesnt exercise, doesnt eat well, jumps from one usntable relationship to another, panics, calls me again. HELP ME. I help her again.
And this has been going on every few months for 3 years. She barely ever speaks to me except for when this happens. As soon as I see her number on the call display, I get nervous, my heart starts to beat fast, I am practically having a panic attack myself. I brace myself, I comfort her, and then I feel depressed, anxious, worried, and sad for the next week.
Fast Forward to This week
Sunday night I get a call from her. Same deal. ''I am feeling weak because I am sick and now I am having a panic attack, and YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HELP ME. I comfort her. I say ''relax, don't worry about it, worse comes to worse, use your klonopin, you know that will work right away. Try to ride out the panic attack, if you cant take it, take the pill". She says ok and we hang up.
The next day, Monday, I am at work, 10:30 A.M. I get a phonecall from my mother. ''Hi, I am with your sister, and she is not feeling well. She told me to call you because apparently ''YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HELP HER''.
I am putting the ''you are the only one that can help'' part in bold, because these words have a great impact on me. They tear me apart.
Why I Feel Like a Monster
This time around, I couldnt take it. I lost it on my mother. I was so angry. I said things like this: "what the 'xxxx' do you want me to do mom? You want me to leave work? You want me to quit my job and take care of my sister cause she's not taking care of herself?'' ***silence on the line***. she repeats ''i'm sorry, its cause she said youre the only one can help''. I repeat: ''I am at work mom, what the 'xxxx' do you want me to do? I'm hanging up now'' She says sorry, we hang up.
1 hour later. I get an email from my mom apolologizing. I dont reply.
another hour passes, another email comes from my mom. ''sorry I called you, it was a bad idea, I was at the end of my rope and not really thinking''.
My Reply:
We are all at the end of our ropes mom. She is not doing anything to take care of herself and when things get out of control, she uses me as a crutch. Maybe now you understand what I meant when I was telling you I get stressed when i see your phone number. Did you know I had two depressions this year? No you don't. And the reason for that is because I am depressed because I am unhappy in my relationship and im not ready to leave yet. I am responsible for that. Not you, not my sister, me. I love my sister, and I know she can get better, but she's not making any efforts. If she needs to go to the hospital, so be it. Bring her to the hospital. I'm not a health professional.
And that was it. That was yesterday, and the last interation I had with my mom, and my sister. I completely shut the door in their face and I feel like a monster. I feel like calling her or my sister, checking up on them, only to reassure myself that things are under control, but I feel like this would undo everything I did yesterday when I set those boundaries and spoke my mind.
I still feel terrible. Any advice on this matter? Did I do the right thing here? I know that my sister would come to my rescure every time if I needed it. In a nutshell, I feel like they are crying for my help and I am shutting the door in their faces. It breaks my heart, and this is why I feel like a monster.
Thanks for reading if you made it all the way here.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 14th of December 2010 04:42:03 PM
I wish I had more time to reply in detail, FedUp, but I will say that in my experience, I respond to "you're the only one who can help" with a CALM "I cannot control what brother/mother/husband does. The only person who can help brother/mother/husband is him/herself."
Hang in there. You are not terrible...I can assure you of that!
I had a friend and a sister who did this with me, both for around 9 years, it drained me completely and even though I was in therapy myself it was affecting my own journey and impacting on my family life too.
It was hard for me as I loved both of them dearly, and wanted to help them, and they also helped me back too, my counsellor kept telling me I had to let them go, detach, that they were going down and were determined to take me down with them, I felt so loyal to them and felt obliged to carry on.
Like you I had the phone calls, the screaming, and the panic and the drama, and then I began to see it was too much for me, my friend would hold me hostage on the phone for 2-3 hours a day at a time when I couldnt even lift my head up with my own depression, she would beg me for advice, go over things again and again, and I got caught up in it and drawn in, then I learnt to start saying.
"I dont have long to talk, but I am sorry your feeling like this, what are you planning to do about it" such a simple sentence put it all back on her, I tried to keep my calls brief, not go over and over and over her problems, I would let her tell me once, then stop her and say I had to go out etc, in time this worked, she suddenly saw I wasnt just there for her, available at all times of the day.
I also began to put down boundaries of when she could call, I would say "Im not so good myself, so can you give me a couple of days before you ring back, I just need some time to myself right now" I found that once they saw I wouldnt act out with them, they quickly found someone else to attach to, this is a behaviour, and if its encouraged it will continue.
Try to find ways with your therapist to help you detach from this, and to stop encouraging it, you also might want to reply to her, "Im so sorry but I dont feel I am helping you perhaps you should think about finding someone who knows a bit more about this"
I understand why you feel awful, I used to too, but we cannot live our lives for someone else and allow them to steal our peace, hope this helps you in some small way.
My family turned to me to 'resolve' my sister's craziness. An army would be hard pressed to prepare for her overwhelming needs. For survival, I had to detach. I could not single-handedly be responsible for her and no one wanted to join in a group effort.
It took me a while to not feel pressure or guilt, but I had/ have to take care of me. It has been many years since I've seen my sister and people slowly respected my boundary and stopped contacting me to take action for her. As far as I know, she is making the choices and living life how she wants. I pray for her and I feel that is the best I can do.
Aloha Fed Up...man do you sound qualified to be here. Welcome and YaY!! you've got some good stuff...somes working, somes not. You've learned much and probably have paid much to learn it. The 12step programs of ACOA and Al-Anon are financially less expensive however that can come in your future. Good to have you at MIP and I hope you will stick around and keep coming back.
Your idea of wanting to close the door on them and then go back and peek is soooo familiar for me. I learned and then got permission to go peek but to do it with acceptance and calm. Acceptance that I loved them and would not be able to change them and that - there was a power greater than myself - who I needed to hang with in order to have any peace of mind and serenity for myself at all. I needed the 12 steps and slogans, ESH of those who came before me and learned before me and were willing to share it all with me along with the slogans, literature, meeting rooms and such. MIP is solid self help using a strong fellowship. The membership here is pure positive energy and direction...so I come to get and to give back.
I relate to the statement "...You are the only one who can help." LOL NOT!! but then at one time that seemed to be the real truth.
I once attended my wife as she went to physical therapy because she had injured her body in a fall while drunk. Before she went into the first treatment I asked them what process they would use up to and concerning the final cleanse. Was I in attendance or not!! They told me what they would do and that they final cleansed with an alcohol wipe down. I of course instructed "Do not use alcohol to wipe her down...use something else". Of course these people with Masters and maybe even Doctorate degrees were going to listen to the husband of a drunk... anyhow 45 minutes later one of them comes into the waiting room anxious as hell asking me to come into the treatment room. My wife was partially paralyzed on one side and going into seizures on the other. When they couldn't figure it out she told them to "Get my husband he is the only one who knows how to get me out of this." They wiped her down with alcohol and alcohol does some powerful things most people don't know about. When I got my wife somewhere around normal working they let us go out by the back door of the treatment center. Masterful event!! I don't think they charged ummmm. So from these experiences we learn that we got stuff...skills, awarenesses, intuition valueable experiences and more how ever what I had to learn was how to use this stuff without loosing myself in the process. I was then like you are now and that can be changed. It can be changed calmly. I learned to get the fear out and the love in. Saying no when I was fearful sounded like a primal scream rather than how it sounds when I say it with love (of self, of others) at the same time.
Welcome to MIP...go look up the hotline numbers for Al-Anon or ACOA in your district from the white pages of your telephone book and get to the first meeting you can as fast as you can. From my experience that is what saved my life and then help me rebuild it so I'd want to keep it. I'm in support ((((hugs))))
If we were to add a sister into your story and physical abuse from dad it would be what would be coming out of my mouth.
When my sister would day "you are the only one that can help me" I bought it for many years. I fixed and helped her at the expense of myself emotionally.
I don't think the realization that she was the only person that could help her actually hit me. I grew emotionally after lots of hard work and what she was doing became unacceptable to me. I stopped rescuing her from her own growth and we quickly grew apart. I started telling her that I didn't have the time to chat right now, but I am confident she will work it out. When we did chat I would ask her what she is going to do about her issue. She would quickly revert to "what can I do, I am not the one causing it". She wasn't getting what she wanted out of me any longer. She started calling my mom instead of me. She and my mother now play the victim, villain role and have been for years now. I can do nothing about them in those roles they feel so comfortable with yet uncomfortable with at the same time.
I do not have a relationship with either of them for many years now at their request initially, but at mine now. It was not healthy for me or my children to have the chaos in our lives and I am grateful it has ended.
Welcome to the boards, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. You might be interested in looking at the books by Harriet Lerner, such as The Dance of Fear,The Dance of Intimacy, etc. She's a psychologist who works with 'family systems,' in other words how families relate. She talks about how it often happens that one sibling is the overachiever, fixer, competent one, and the other is the underachiever, seemingly helpless, incompetent one. In her family she was the competent one and her sister was the incompetent one -- until they figured out enough so that they were able to move out of their roles.
It really helped me to see how I grew up as the fixer in my family, and how I went on replicating that in adult life. I think many of us who have lived around alcoholics tend to be the "competent one" and hence the caretaker. But knowledge is power, right? It sounds as if your dad and your sister have two sides of the same problem -- being in the position of letting other people do the grown-up coping while they go to pieces. That's hard to live with.
Also, stepping back from the caretaker role can cause so much anxiety. Will they fall apart? Will anyone like us for ourselves? Who are we if we aren't caretakers?
I hope you can get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings (try a number, they're all different), learn all you can, read on these boards, and keep coming back. Hugs to you.
Ok you can see for yourself, rescuing her does no good. She is not learning anything.
We all need to learn for ourselves that our behavior has consequences. If someone is always rescuing us, we learn nothing and continue with the behavior.
You did this from your heart not knowing it was not a good thing to do. Now you see so you want to change "your" behavior. You learned.
When we rescue others like this, we take the chance away from that person to learn for themselves how to make sure bad things don't happen again.
If we catch someone who keeps jumping off a step that is too high, they will never fall down and learn it hurts and they MUST not jump again.
We do them no favors by catching them. We hurt them. Its a hard concept, I know. I was a huge wanting to always help person.
I had to learn to take their chance away was getting in the way of their own growth.
Sounds like she knows how to live, but goes too far. So maybe this time, she will be allowed the dignity to fall hard, learn this is NOT how she wants to live and figure out for herself, a different way.
It is no different than going shopping and not enough for bills so ya call mom and get money.
As soon as mom stops "fixing" it, we find our power off, water off and believe me the next time we get our income, we will pay the bills first!
You my dear are doing her a huge loving favor by putting it back in her lap where it belongs.
I would simply say,"What are you going to do about this?" She can figure it out.
I had to send my son out to the world to try his own wings. Same thing. Now he won't take any help from me. He does everything on his own and is proud of it! Same with my daughter.
I am so glad you are here. This is a great share. Hope you come back.
She has a choice hon, she needs to figure it out. Just how you did.
I don't have too much to add, other than that it sounds like your reaction was just your doing the best you could at the time - even if it was a meltdown.
Really, there's nothing much different that I could have pictured myself saying in that very situation to someone trying to convince me I have the "POWER" to make them better. The idea that I have power and control over anyone is ludicrous. Just think if I had that kind of power... there would be no alcoholics in the world and everyone would always get along all the time.
Since I don't have that power, even during some times in my past where I really wished I DID have that power, it's ridiculous of others to assume I can supply it to them when I can't even wield it over them when I want it. ;)
Healthy non-meltdown me would just gently say... "I love you, but I do not have control over what he/she does in their life. I wish the best for them, but there's nothing I can do. It's all up to them if they really desire to get better. I'd appreciate it if you'd contact a professional next time he/she is looking for support. Better yet, it would be even better for him/her if he/she contacted that help him/herself."
Not-feeling-so-great-meltdown-me would likely have blown my lid exactly the same as you.
In any case - you're not a monster. You're a human being just fighting for your sanity right now. Fortunately, with Al-Anon, we get to learn we don't have to fight things tooth and nail to protect our sanity. There are gentler ways we can go about it and come out on the other end feeling good about how we behaved.
Forgive yourself. I can guarantee you that your Higher Power will provide you with another opportunity in the future to do it differently.
I grew up in a very very dysfunctional family. Boundaries have been very hard for me. My only suggestion is to give your sister the lines for suicide prevention and other crisis lines. They can talk her through her panic attack just as well as you can. She can call as many times as she wants.
I live around people who are incredibly dysfunctional, addicts and completely unaware of anyone else but themselves. What they do is to "project" all over me that I can help them. Within their projection is no ability to see me as a human being who has her own problems. I can't argue with a projection. I can't change the projection. I can change how I respond to it.
One of the core issues for me was being a people pleaser. I got much of my self esteem from pleasing, helping and rescuing others. Over time I got more and more exhausted. I had to look carefully at how much I gave and how much I had left for me. One of the core stumbling blocks for me with working on people pleasing is that when I set boundaries people were not too thrilled. So I lost the way I maintained my self esteem. I had to go elsewhere and do other things to get validation!
I'm so glad you are here. Al anon can help you tremendously. I've been here a number of years now and my life is changing daily.
For me, when I was the victim and going through my stuff and I asked certain people for help and they helped me, I didn't get better. I realize now that I have to help myself. Only because the help stopped coming did I figure this out. The relationship I have with my dad who used to try to help me financially, is so much better now that the money piece is gone and I am doing things on my own. This was about 10 years ago, I am 35 now. I work, I have two kids, I have made my own mistakes, I have PTSD and Panic attacks all the time. I have alanon and my sponsor now that help me. If you let your sister be herself and detach from the situation in a loving way, you may begin to feel better and so will she. This program, ACOA and Codependents Anon. have helped me, it works if you work it :) Take care of you!
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Guys, thank you so much for all your replies. It is very appreciated.
I got a call from my sister yesterday night. She was crying, she said I was the only one that could help again. I said I couldnt do it anymore, that she needs to help herself.
She said things like ''you are my only brother and you are refusing to help me'' and 'if the situation was reversed I would have helped you every time''. I said I'm not helping her by doing this. I told her she needs to take care of herself.
Fast forward today. I am feeling depressed again. I text her to check up on her. She says she is at a shrinks. This is good news for me. But the next text comes. The shrink wants to put her in the hospital. I said no to her, I refused to be her savior, and now she might have to spend the holidays in the hospital, and her 4 year old daughter might not have her mom for christmas.
One thing I have learned from my sponsor is to not initiate contact. If I do, it is my slipping and not keeping my focus on me. I know it sounds selfish, but it is for a protective thing. If I text or call people to check on them, I am sick again with my codependency. Come back to you and focus on you. Your sister may need this time in the hospital to get better for her child. I spend time in a hospital too, and I was much better for it. Take care of you!
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
if a shrink thinks she needs to go into hospital, then it must for her own good, at least she has gone to the shrink, when we "let people go" to walk thier own journey we cannot erect the signposts, only she can follow her destination, you cannot be responsible for her or her daughter, even if she didnt have her daughter for chrismtas, it could result in a situation where she does for the next 20 christmases, hard work has to be done sometimes, a saying I learnt was
you cant climb over, or under, or around your wall, you have to go THROUGH it,
failte
-- Edited by failte on Wednesday 15th of December 2010 04:01:48 PM
How many times have I heard the usual guilt trips... "If it were YOU in this situation, I'd help!"
You know... that person probably WOULD help... but they'd soon get worn down and sick and tired of it all, too, if I kept reverting to the same behavior over and over again and again and kept asking that person to help me.
I'm glad she's getting the professional help she needs. I imagine she likely does need to spend some time in the hospital if that's what a professional is telling her. It'll be good for her in many ways.
Guys I just want to start by saying that I am absolutely astounded at how supportive and helpful you all are. I can't believe how many people there are on here that seem to be (or have been) in the EXACT same situation as I am now.
As for my sister, I spoke to my mom yesterday and found out that she had been lying to me about the hospital. She also ommited to tell me that she has started seeing her ex-boyfriend, who lives two hours away and has a girlfriend. She cant talk to him after 4 pm because he is with his girlfriend, and she needs to sneak around to see him. And the fact that she is over-stressed is still a mystery to her...
When I spoke to my sister yesterday she was on her way to the shrink and she hadnt even spoke to her yet. So even after I opened up to her and explained how much what she was doing was hurting me, she still chose to lie to me to play on my feelings and tell me they were having her commited before even talking a professional.
And apparently I'm the selfish one. Needless to say, I am thankful for this last interaction. Let's just say i don't have as much pity for her. I am still hurt because I can't comprehend how she could choose to play on my emotions like that and also because I am somewhat trying to grieve my relationship with her, but as you guys said - im only protecting myself.
Also... some of you have been throwing acronyms at me I dont understand yet... Would anyone kindly let me know what ESH and MIP means?
Hi fed up, I understand your grieving, I did too for my sister, because when I became strong and learnt to look after me I did lose her, thats the sad thing, see, we cant get healthy by being around sick people, my therapist kept telling me that my sister didnt want to be really helped in the true sense of the word and that she would take me down with her, so I had to decide to carry on my journey without her, she resented that and didnt like me being strong, thats when we lose them, sometimes they will lie to keep us so I am sorry to hear she lied to you.
ESH means Experience, strenght and Hope, and MIP is Miracles in progress, I struggled with all this too, so dont worry!
I read your posts, and I am so happy that you are here. Myself I am new, and have a whole host of issues I need to work on for me.
But I love the support, and experience that everyone here is willing to open up about. For the longest time I felt like I was worthless, everything always my fault, to the point I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind.
Meeting up with this group, and trying to learn and understand from everyone elses experiences let's me know that I'm not alone. It's a pattern that seems to be somewhat commonplace in living with an AH; I didn't know that.
That's my first realization I'm not alone, and if I can see the kind words, and honest words of others living in my shoes, I'm sure I can get a grip on my own life.
I hope you keep coming back, the group seems wonderful to my sanity.
Alcoholics are masters at manipulation ,they will do and say anything to get what they need this is disease not the person . stand firm in your decission to look after your own needs its time sis grew up .also find a couple of Al-Anon meetings they will help you alot . learn how to set healthy boundaries in all relationships .. detach from thier stuff and take care of you . goodluck
