The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I have been with alcholic Fiance for six years. I think I am really nearing the end of the line with him. For one, I have three kids that still live at home, 17,20,& 23. We get home from being at the cabin all weekend, to a driveway mostly dug out, but still some left. Also the snowplow has a towel jammed in it, which took aa hour to unlodge. Then another hour for the clean up. Which I was out there the same amout am AF except maybe 15 min. So he gets in and says, he is going out for a bit. Fine. Adios. He comes back three hours later, of course went drinking, suprised, not. I was nice and pleasent, made a little small talk went upstairs to our room. We taaalked for a bit. Then he fell asleep. Goodnight. Get up, he seems kinda pissy, asks me whats wrong, I said nothing. He starts acting better. Then he said do you want me to go to my moms today. I said if you want to. He said it isn't you I want to get away from. I said then get away from my kids then. He said Fine, Bye. Bye.
The whole weekend he drank two beers. Because I had said I need some sober weekends, he has been taking his son to his mom (Fiances moms) house every other weekend. Frankly I don't get a rats ass what he does there. Well I do, cause I do not want anything bad to happen to him. But out of sight.... He also goes there every Tues and Thursday, because his worked moved and this saves him like a hour drive totaal for the day. Personally, I think it is to drink there cause I won't let him have it here anymore.
It is just so hard to let him go, in every other way, he is loyal and kind. Except this drinking thing, I just can not get around it. I do not want to stand between him and the bottle. It is fustrating cause I know he gets short tempered and snappy if he goes too long with out it.
I should say that this summer alot of times he was drinking early and would be drunk by afternoon. It was hard to kinda tell because he hides it so good.
So I know you can not give advice. I just want to hear from some people that have actually left, their breaking point and how hard it was and are the haappy now.
It is so depressing going on like this. I want to be happy and move on now if it is time. I just do not want to keep wasting time if it is never going to change.
You'll know when enough is enough. It will be clear.
I've found alcoholics tend to get really grouchy when they're trying to stay dry... that is not drink without a recovery program for them to lean on. My exAH was always a colossal jerk to me whenever his family would come visit because he'd go dry while they were out. I got to see all the fear and anger in the raw that he was using the alcohol to cover over the rest of the time.
I know for me, it was important that I took my time in deciding if I truly wanted a divorce. I knew I didn't want to do it out of fear or anger... it's not a nice place to be, and decisions aren't always made rationally when I'm in that state of mind.
I really did give our relationship an honest go. I kept attending Al-Anon and asked myself and my HP to help me see if I could find some way to be happy and still married to the exAH. I left no stone un-turned.
In the long run, the message came to me pretty clearly that things would not ever get better. I think my AH was too far down the rabbit hole and I just had too hard of a time trying to successfully detach. My best measure for detachment was divorce. I still care about the man, but I get to do so from a safe distance where his disease has no chance to pull me under with it. I get to keep my serenity and live a happy life.
That's not the answer for everyone. There are plenty Al-Anon members who have remained in their relationships with their alcoholics and have found that they actually can live a happy, fulfilled life whether their alcoholic is drinking or not.
In my experience when I couldnt tolerate the drinking, my husband would go to friends or family I knew he was going there to drink and in the very early days I didnt mind, so long as he wasnt near me etc etc, but it became more frequent and he drank more, and when I look back now having the advantage (or disadvantage) I see that all I was doing was allowing the drinking to continue and standing by while he got further into it, and it just enabled him to carry on to the next stage, apparently it just gets worse and worse.
I tried every compromise you could think of with my husband, only drink when your out with friends, then when he would embarrass me, DONT drink when we are with friends, go to your moms and do it, then something would happen there, some sort of scene as his mom was an alcoholic too, only drink certain nights, only drink certain amounts, NOTHING worked and when I look back now, I was fooling myself, I think we compromise cos it helps us cope, helps us beleive there is some control in all the chaos, but we are not in control, never were, never will be, alcohol is, alcohol normally wins in the end,
you will see my story on other posts, I am currently living seperate to my husband, I am enjoying the peace, no more lies, being in control, taking care of me, looking forward to my future that will never have an other drop of alcohol in it, I was scared to leave him, but now I wish I had done it years ago, my son drinks too, so our lives had become VERY sick and crazy, I ended up being the mad one, of course according them to it was me, they were fine, I was just complaining about nothing.
I was a very confident outgoing independant person, I ended up being clingy, insecure and needy, confused and hurt, damaged, I hated myself, hated what I had become, then I decided this had to end,even if it is me, even if I am wrong, it has to end, now I am glad I did end it as I look back and see that if I hadnt of found that strenght to end this crazy journey and life we were living, it would have stayed the same, for another 23 years,
god bless you and welcome, you are now with people who know and care
My circumstance is similar to the others who've responded. I was married 20 years to my exHA. I didn't have alanon at the time, but tried to be sure that I was not divorcing out of anger or because of something that would be corrected.
A financial avalanche was the deciding factor in executing a divorce. I didn't want our daughter and myself to be homeless. It was the hardest thing I had to do.
After working the alanon program, I have come to believe that we can't predict life's twists and turns. Working the alanon principles helps change our perceptions and how we may respond to things. It is difficult to know if this would have changed any outcome.
I am starting my life over and it is so scary. However, it's a huge relief not to have to worry about my exha and the damages he causes. However, it has been 4 years divorced and there are things I miss. Starting over is very difficult, but I keep strengthening my faith that things will work out better than before.
They say to give alanon 6 months before making any decisions.
Well, I am a bit different from the other posts as my exA and I were only together a couple of years and did not live together. So our lives were not completely integrated. But - you have not married yet - so maybe this will help.
I would have liked to have spent the rest of my life with him. We had some great times and there are still times while I am out having fun that I think "Wow, he sure would like this - this would be more fun w/ him here." There were a few moments he made me feel safe and cared for - and that is something I would like in my life on a permanent basis.
I didn't have to deal with much active alcoholism with him - about 7 mos - and to be honest he was a lot more fun and easy to deal with when he was drinking. But, it ended with his 5th DUI and back to recovery he went.
For me, it is just the foundation of the relationship that we just couldn't get right. I was the responsible adult, hardworking, moving forward pretty quickly - and he wasn't. There was no trust in the relationship as he had cheated and constantly treated me as if I had also. I tried hard, he is why I got into recovery - to save our relationship - therapy - probably 2 feet high stack of self help books. But, as in our tenacity to succeed in life - I was the only one trying to make changes in our relationship too. The home I live in now, I started to purchase to live closer to him, yet he wouldn't even pick up the phone to schedule some couples counseling.
And I didn't like myself when I was with him. I became someone else. I was less relaxed as I had to constantly check in and had no freedom. I felt guilty for succeeding in life. I could accept his sedentary lifestyle - but he couldn't cope with the freedom I need to live mine. And you know . . . I just refuse to drag someone along in my life. I refuse to have someone enjoy the fruits of my labor - travel - have a great time - who doesn't even work hard enough to pay his rent, bills, and groceries. I don't need a millionaire - but I don't want another dependent - I already have one!
He is the only man I have ever been with that I just built up this entire fantasy of children - love - life - travel - I could see SO MUCH potential in him. I just can't bank my happiness and accept so much pain for the possibility of something that probably won't ever happen. Maybe it will - but I sure don't bring out the best in him.
Am I happy it ended? No. Am I happier now that it ended? Absolutely. I just had to be honest with myself after so much effort at change in me (because that is all I can change) and see so little effort on his part - it just came down to - "Can you live this way for the rest of your life?" The answer was a very easy, very fast - absolutely not. I waited, I hoped, I worked on myself - then I finally had to throw in the towel. When it was time, I knew it.
One thing I have learned in recovery is that change is possible. I have also learned to really value my relationships - all of them. People that I love take work. I have to put effort into it. If it is important to me, I am willing to do that. If someone else is not willing to do that for me - then that speaks VOLUMES.
I love him, I don't hate him. I accept him for who he is, he is not a bad person. But we are oil and water and that is just the way that is.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Monday 13th of December 2010 06:34:19 PM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
For me it was over when it was. I knew I didn't feel anything for him anymore.
The disease killed whatever we had.
Been years now, just divorced him this year. My life is serene, is healthy. So nice to have it always calm, no drama.
Its horribly hard to live with an addict. They are very sick. If they are not working on their own recovery, its almost impossible to do and remain healthy yourself.
We all have to decide ourself when we are done. We cannot change them, either accept it as is or.....
I had been married 35 years. My breaking point was his 2nd DUI. He was coming back from a wedding with his 80-somthing year old mother in the vehicle. He ran a red light and fortunately didn't kill anyone.
I was officially divorced just this summer. It has been a little over a year since I told him to leave our home. It was the most difficult decision of my life. However, I return home each night with a sense of relief. I know I will walk into a quiet, peaceful home. No more insanity waiting for me. I feel at peace. But my heart goes out to him.
Everyone is different. I recommend you be true to your own heart. What does it say? Get quiet and listen.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thank you all for sharing. It helps so much to get the different stories and outcomes. This is one of the hardest things I have been through. I have not had to break up with someone since I was a teenager. I was widowed a little over seven years ago.
In most every other way he is such a great man. Just do not know if I can countine to live with a person that gets crabby when not drinking. It is hard to overlook, and it should not be.
You have all been wonderful with your replies. Thank you!!
Yes, happiness, true happiness is completely possible after it ends. You labor first as in childbirth. After you work through the stages of labor and pain, you forget about much of it with the passage of time and new life experiences occur.
The positives. You learn to love yourself again (IF you determine to work on yourself and see what in you attracted to this type of relationship and heal). You have no drama, unless you entertain it. You have to answer to no one, especially someone who is emotionally unavailable such as an active A nor listen to their banterings. You do not have to witness the daily self destructive or depricative acts an A engages in. You forgive them, and yourself. You exude Grace (should anyways). You create new dreams.
The negatives. You are minus the physical presence of your A. Letting go of your dreams. You must travel through the time of grief that accompanies all relationships ending. You must detach from the very real pain they go through as a result of their behaviours (the drinking and consequences of) and Let God take over in their lives, as we should on a daily basis anyways.
Me? I chose to let him choose (not con) once and for all, me or the booze. Guess what won out? His booze. I chose to look at what he does instead of what he says. I chose to look at me. I looked at what I did and what I said.
I am remarried to a non A, non addict. As in happily and fulfilled. I am at Total peace w myself over my decisions and also with my ex active A, who is still a small part of my life as we share children and grandchildren. I have a new Best friend (of 10 years). He doesn't run off, he is emotionally available, is kind and loving to everyone.
I loved my ex A. Our children are no accident, thus my life with him was no accident.
I did the best I could with what I had. You will too, what ever your decision.
Keep coming back, keep learning and growing.
I arrived here because of Grace and taking off my little god suit. Listen to your inner voice. The answer is inside of you.
It was horribly hard, probably almost as hard as it is for my ex-AH boyfriend to try to stop drinking, for me to stop obsessing about my A-boyfriend/ live in.
I had to literally work to block him from my mind and still have to work on it. I stayed seven years +, I still cry sometimes when I see him. Tears of sadness as if he was dying of a disease and I had to walk away because I could do nothing for him and the only real result of me staying was I was making myself sick and miserable.
One of the many reasons I finally made the decision is because 3 people in my face to face group lost husbands they had been living with to death by alcoholism after 20+years of alanon and living with them. These ladies were happy in their lives but never got to see sobriety.
Two husbands killed themselves because they could not stop drinking and their lives were totally out of control and one died of health issues directly related to drinking and had been in a wheelchair for years.
They say in alanon "don't leave before the miricale happens" and I did meet one lady who said her husband had gotten sober and they were happy but I didn't want to see any more years of my life go by ( I felt like I was treading water, knowing I would eventually get tired and drown ).
It was 3 months before I stopped hoping we would both get better and get back together and live sober happy lives together.
This may still happen for him and I hope it does.......... but I didn't want to use the next 7 years, or any more time, waiting and hoping.
There is more to the story mostly I want to say I was aware of what I was dealing with for over 2 years and made no changes- I think that may have been necessary for me to ever actually move on emotionally- I could have left and regretted it otherwise and second once I did move on I had to go through a bit of pain and regret that I ended it. It took a while before I felt I was sure I did the right thing.
I'm glad when I got out I was forced to stay out long enough to be glad I was out.
if one thing can be learned on here through all of our experiences I would hope/pray that some of those in marraiges/relationships that are in early stages of A, get to see that this will last, and go on and on, and perhaps one can learn/see that they can save themselfes from those awful years that most of us have been through on here.
I had to say that to my sons girlfriend, that she might want to think about her future with my son, in that, she had the benefit of now seeing what I had been through for 23 years, while she was just starting out on this journey, I told her to bear in mind not to give her life and future over to this, perhaps put a time limit on it, and to be aware that his drinking was only going to get worse never better, and he was probably going to drink till he died, or got seriously ill,
For me, if I had found this site earlier and "educated' myself, saw that I am not the only person going through this, had the benefit of the experience of those on here who have been through it for years, I most probably would have ended it sooner, at least that way someone would be saved, remember its a sinking ship, and the A will happily take every one down with him/her, someone needs to "evaulate" the situation, see the damage, assess if anyone can be saved and take action, my prayer for those on this site is that they reach that place sooner than I did and limit the causualties.
