The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey Everyone, I'm fairly new here, I've only posted twice. Let me give you a quick summary of my background. Started dating my A 3 years ago, had NO IDEA he was an A. He seemed to drink 'normally'. After 4 or 5 months in to the relationship he told me that he as an A. ( and had started drinking a month before we started dating after 6 years of being sober) I didn't know really what to think, had never really been around a real A before - let along dated one. I had no idea what a slippery slope it is!
So after 2.5 years of him drinking more and more and more, then getting to the point, where he's blacking out, waking up shaking/sweating, and breaking things/not remembering. Lots of lies, lies about being on dating websites while still being in a relationship with me, lying about almost taking a job offer & moving out! ( ya that was a 'special' time UGH) lying about who he's talking to, lying about where he is, not answering the phone.......I finally realized I need help with this.
I've been through a lot of similar things that I've read on here, hurt feeling, finding hidden bottles, etc.
So now I found this group - YAY! big YAY!
and I've decided to start taking care of myself again! I have been in therapy for almost ten years! I don't know where I would be without that!
I have had enough of the lying and letting him make me feel like everything he is doing is ok and isn't really hurting me. I tried just flat out telling him - 'this hurts my feelings'
nothing changed.
after a few weeks of this & another weekend of him 'out at the bar' and actually lied about what bar he had went to, I decided I had have enough of the A B.S. and i need to step back and reevaluate my life.
I think I need to go to some meetings, I would consider myself a shy person and very unlikely just to walk into a giant room of people I don't know - by myself.
So I wanted to ask you all what it is like. I think it would help me even more if I went, along with this group and my therapist. I'm just scared!
I know that I need to be brave and go and do this for myself! My close friend told me a few weeks ago to go to a meeting, don't talk, but just listen and watch everyone. He said go to about 5 meetings, then decide if this is the life you want to lead - as in do I want to spend MY life with an alcoholic. We are not really tied to each other in a permanent way. Not married ( I would never marry him - I guess that should be a big clue within itself), no children - same thing I personally would not want to pass on any of this to a child, and the fact that my A can't even take care of himself, why on earth would I bring a child into this world with him!?!
No bank accounts together, I own my house etc.
I used to make all kinds of excuses - such as: he's not abusive directly, he's not aggressive. He's never physically hurt me. he's one of those silly warm & fuzzy drunks. BUT, he still manages to do things that really hurt my feelings. I have gotten over the whole mentality of 'he's not that bad' because he is. An alcoholic is an alcoholic, there's no gray area.
I really went through all the co Dependant stuff ( stuff I have been in therapy for!) again, I tried to say and do things to make him stop. I have really realized that this does not work! it only makes me crazy & unhappy.
so right now I'm at the point where i need to take care of myself. I need to stop focusing on him & how much he drinks. I know I need to go to a meeting!
I know I'm really learning a valuable life lesson right now. I don't know how it's going to end up. I just need to remember that as long as I take care of me, it'll be all ok.
Any tips or suggestions would be appreciated! I have no idea how this stuff works!
Thanks for reading & any posting any replies
-- Edited by freewilltoday on Monday 13th of December 2010 02:49:41 PM
Welcome , I used all the same excuses you listed here for not going to meetings but as things progressed I knew I needed support from people who had been there . Alcoholism in itself is abusive ,the only relationship we see is between the alcoholic and his drink of choice . it takes the man and leaves us with someone we dont' know anymore . Please find meetings for yourself you will find people who know exactly how you feel and acceptance that is just not found anywhere else . there is nothing you can do about him but alot you can do for yourself . You dont have to speak at meetings you can just sit and listen simply say you would like to pass . Louise
Glad you found us.... Meetings are all different, but here's my experience, as to what you can expect....
Participation is optional - you can share if you want, or you can just listen... (I would encourage you to share, but only you will know if you are ready for that)
Meetings are wonderful - full of people, at various stages of their own recovery, who have (or who are currently) experiencing many of the same things that you are going through....
They are empowering, and give you a sense of belonging - it's an amazing feeling, when you find out that you are NOT alone, and that there ARE others out there who really, truly, understand you....
Meetings open doors - to new friendships, new learnings, new literature, and basically a whole new way of life - Al-Anon, and our individual recoveries, can be such a rewarding and life-changing experience for you....
Meetings are WAY more about you, than than they are about the alcoholic (this ticks many of us off, at the beginning, as many of us starting going to the meetings to learn how to "fix" our A's).....
Hope you find one soon, and let us know how it goes!
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
hi freewill and welcome, I havent been to any meetings, but have had a wealth of valuable experiene on here, browse the posts and have a look at some of the books, know that you are now with people who know and care!
I just found the podcasts about 'the first meeting' and all the comments. Once again I'm not the only one that is nervous & scared of walking into that room!
Thinking back to my first meeting, what you can expect is to walk into a room of people (mostly women in my area) who will smile warmly and openly welcome you. There is a sense of "belonging" there like no other. I was told I could read or pass, share or not, my participation was optional. All I really had to do was sit there and listen if I chose.
I like the fact that there is a predictable format, because structure and routine have always made me feel safe.
It was helpful to have been reading on these boards before I went to that meeting, as I had incorporated some of the lingo and concepts.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
