The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello I am new here and struggling with a kind, generous big teddy bear AH. He's not abusive or mean but his habits are driving us quickly to financial ruin...he won't even discuss the problem. Seems he needs his booze and cigarettes before the bills get paid..what shoud I do?? I do not want to have to move...
Welcome to the board - have you been to any face-to-face Al-Anon meetings yet? If there were any suggestion I'd offer, it would to be to get to at least six face-to-face Al-Anon meetings as close together as possible to get a real feel for the program.
We do not offer specific suggestions on what you should or should not do with your life where things like finances, relationships, etc. are concerned. We do offer our own shared experience, strength and hope.
When I was with my exAH, he turned out to have many other compulsions beyond the drinking. He spent money compulsively (not always on booze, although a lot of it did go to that), and I suspect he was/is a sex addict as well.
I learned I couldn't continue to jump in with my credit cards and checkbook to play financial rescuer all the time when my AH got us into financial trouble. The last time I think he learned something was when the electric company came to collect on the electric bill that he was responsible for paying. He hadn't paid it in months and the bill had risen to around $800. He called me in a panic with the employee to the electric company sitting there. I told him I'd have to think about it and that I'd call him back.
Ultimately I had to decide for myself that I'd need to be willing to sit in a dark house for however long if need be for my AH to own up to his responsibility to pay the electric bill. He never would if I paid it for him. So, I called him back, prepared to tell him I had no money to pay the bill, and miraculously, he somehow, magically found some way to pay the bill... imagine that. He had money SOMEWHERE that before he was unwilling to use for his responsibilities.
In Al-Anon we learn not to cover for our alcoholic's mistakes. We all get to determine what that looks like for ourselves.
You're in the right place. My circumstance resonates with yours and Alohas'; I had to protect myself financially to avoid sinking with the Titanic. I also used to think of it as tough love, and, while there may be elements of that in some of the actions that I did take, I no longer consider self-preservation as being tough love.
Hi countrylover and welcome, try to get "getting them sober: volume 1, there is a part in there that covers financial stuff and not bailing them out, letting them hit reality, I used to bail my son out all the time, now I havent given him a cent in 8 months, okay, he is still drinking, but at least my consience is clear and I know I havent paid for him to kill himself, i have also decided for the first time ever NOT to give him any money as a Christmas gift, I now see that any money I give him is allowing him to have more money to buy alcohol,
stay around, browse the boards, and know your now with people who know and care.
Thanks bud and failte I don't feel so alone now that I have come here...I've always been so loving and supportive but I realize I'm just enabling him into an early grave. Bud...you are so right self preservation is NOT tough love.. Failte...I will get the book you recommend and start to think more about my future security...I wish I had started sooner..
Yes so do I, but at least we HAVE started, I have read recently that the more we pick them up, bail them out, we are only prolonging their recovery, because they will go through several stages before they hit rock bottom in every sense of the word, if we continuously help them, then they wont hit their rock bottom and the whole process will take longer,
I now see that with my son, I made his life so easy for him, he is now sharing an apartment with my husband and paying half the bills, I will think long and hard about ever giving him money again, also, my husband stopped drinking the day I walked out, and readily admits that if I had left him at any point in the last 23 years he would have stopped to get me back, wish I had KNOWN that too, ah, the power of hindsight!
I related to your post! My exAH spent money like there was no tomorrow. I always had a steady job but he rarely did. I was the one that handled paying the bills, but we shared a checking account and he would take out so much money with his debit card that SO many times our bills bounced. I never had any idea how much money we had (or didn't, as the case probably was), and I had no idea what to do about it. I didn't do anything productive - this was before I found the program. I just wrung my hands, stressed about money until I was physically sick, got in many fights with my ex ... and then lost my house and a car anyway. I don't suggest this method because it sucked! ;)
I liked the suggestion I read on another threat about taking care of the bills that are in my name but letting the other person take care of the ones in their name. This is what my second AH and I did forever...I didn't want to have combined bank accounts or credit cards. We finally did combine some stuff when I decided that i could trust him financially, but if he relapsed I'd split all the financial stuff in a heartbeat. It's not tough love - I wouldn't do it to punish him or cause him trouble. I'd do it to protect myself. It's just simply a boundary I have in place to take care of me and my children.
I recently went through this type of thing. I am not in the position of being able to go without utilities for the tough love approach as I am self employed as a preschool provider. Utilities and food are a necessity.
Everything is in my name as my A and I split for about a year so I retained everything in my own name.
I asked him reasonably what he felt he would need for cigarettes etc. I email transfer him that amount every month and no more. He can kick, scream, plead, threaten and I will give him no more. If the needs more it is up to him to obtain it somehow.
At the time I made this decision I was in a very poor financial position. I still put his money first and the fighting was over. I figured I can fight with him and still be broke, or I can give him his money and be broke. For me it worked out great.
Within two weeks I had all the bills on track and money set aside for Christmas. My A is not working right now and that doesn't bother me at all. It is the first time he has been without work in the ten years I have known him so I know he isn't a slacker. Even when he get's another job I will not factor his money into my budget. If he makes extra money that is savings not necessity so we can live.
Now there is no more fighting for cigarettes or about money. There is peace in my home once again.
Thanks to everyone for the wonderful advice I have started to plan for the new year i.e. taking care of myself first and paying the bills first...we'll see how that goes!
Great to be here and wish you all a Peaceful Season.
