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Is it just me, or does any one else have this problem? I can't seem to get close to my AH. I mean, anything to do with intimacy or any thing remotely close, makes me sick to my stomach. Is this normal?
No its not just you, eventually I felt the same about my husband, though he is very loving and affectionate I found times when i just couldnt physically touch him, after years of lies/deceit/betrayals you just lose all trust in them, my therapist told me that its very common, you have to be able to 'trust' someone before you can be intimate with them.
There was a lot of times I lost all respect for him, even loathed his weakness, what he had become, to see a loving, caring man, reduce himself to what he had become made me feel sick inside.
Same here...if my wife makes any attempt at physical contact with me I literally tense up. We haven't been intimate in well over 2 years now and I just don't see it happening any time soon.
Same with me. Especially if my AH is drunk I feel like I can't even look at him, let alone touch him. Even when he's not drunk, even if he's been sober for a free days, I still feel like that.
Drinking is only a symptom of alcoholism, other symptoms include their ridiculous obnoxious arrogant behaviour. These things make me just as sick as his drinking....and they don't go away with the bottle....
PHEW!! Glad it's not just me. When I reject his advances, he gets mad, makes me feel even worse and guilty that I can't show affection. Then he accuses me of having a boyfriend... yeah okay... he's always home, I'm always home... he is extremely jealous and possessive and always has to know where I'm going, and when I'll be back. On Monday nights I go out and take my two boys to their activities.. One to a Rec program and one to Cadets. If I'm not back before a certain time, then he's calling me on the cell... "where are you? I miss you.. I love you" Drives me crazy!!
Hi Evian, yep..been there, so many things my AH do drive me absolutely insane! My husband isn't really the jealous type, although he has recently accused me of 'having someone else'.
He asked me if there was someone else the other night while intoxicated. It took everything in me not to laugh at him, to just calmly say "no, and I'm not discussing this further right now"...as HE is the one who had an emotional affair a year ago. How dare he accuse me.... I know all he was doing is 'reaching'.. he wanted to say something, anything to get me to talk with him.
One of my boundaries I set up is to not talk with the A when he's been drinking. So, if I think he's been drinking (and I have learnt to trust myself here... I KNOW that 99.999% of the time I think he's been drinking, he HAS been...I no longer doubt myself and buy into his myriad of excuses). Anyway, so my boundary is I don't talk to him if he's been drinking.
This was SO hard at first I thought I would never be able to do it. I'm not perfect...but I make progress each and every time I attempt to enforce this boundary...and, it gets Easier!! Eventually, I started feeling proud of myself...and way less guilty. I used to feel so guilty because I would yell at him, scream, lose it...then I would feel so guilty about it....then, the next thing you know, I'd be the one apologizing to him! So, of course, this just allowed him, once again, to blame things on me...to not look inward, but outward, to justify his behaviour and drinking by saying..well, if only my wife wasn't so crazy.
So, I feel so much better now that I just try to walk away. Sure, the AH will follow me and continue to pester me, getting progressively more and more ridiculous in his attempts to get me to talk to him, But, I try my hardest not to.
I learnt in the book "Getting them Sober" that us even interacting with them while they are drunk is like rewarding them with our attention .. and they like that cause then they can place more blame on us, especially if we get made and yell (which I used to always do).
I have found what works best for me...in that it makes ME feel better, is trying to remain calm, take deep breaths, not overreact, but think and then act.
Hmmm... oh ok... See, that's what I have been doing, is falling for his attempts to make me mad and yell. Lol.. the one night he tried telling me that I'm addicted to eating, like he's addicted to beer. That I like to have chips and pop and chocolate... ummmm yeahh.. I like those things, mostly around that "time of the month" and not always then. I can go months without having any junk food at all, and he's the one that brings it in. I start losing some weight, and he brings in the crap, and gets me to eat it.. I know I know.. I can always say no right? I don't have to put it in my mouth.. but it is my treat.. is that the same thing as his problem?
No, it is not just you. Being intimate with someone who is drinking is not fun - been on the giving and receiving end of that deal. Even not drinking, if they are being unattractive - well guess what - they ARE unattractive. Been that too.
The big thing for me was setting my boundaries around this. It really was a gauge of how much I cared for and loved myself. If I wasn't interested for whatever reason, no was not an option, which shows complete and utter lack of love and respect for me.
And since I tolerated it - well I guess I was lacking some of those things for myself as well.
That is what I need to work on.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Monday 13th of December 2010 11:24:27 AM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Hi Evian, I'm not sure if that's the same thing as his problem.
I do know that some people are addicted to eating.
I also know that spouses of A's tend to have other areas that need work. I've read that they can: shop too much, spend too much money, over eat, become fixated on fixing things, obsess with their alcoholic, gamble, ect...
I think I definitely could spend less money, I think I buy things sometimes that I don't need...
Do you think you are addicted to junk food? Maybe only you can answer that...
I know that when I get up and work out in the morning, I feel a million times better all day, even though it's so hard to do!
Don't let your A make you feel like anything you did or do is contributing to his drinking! His drinking is his HIS drinking, HIS problem. It has nothing to do with whether or not you ate some chips.
Its very difficult to get close to, first a person that smells of alcohol. Its difficult to get passed the anger that builds up inside of us. Its difficult to have compassion for a person that you feel is destroying and dis respecting their own life. Alcoholism destroys intimacy in more ways than one.
I stopped being intimate with my husband and Im sure it was part of the reason that he did seek it elsewhere , I will accept part of the blame of that. I couldnt understand why he couldnt figure it out, all he had to do was stop drinking or at least really work on it. I resented the times he wanted to be close and intimate with me. I realized that it was my failure too, that I couldnt get passed it and show him my acceptance of him as a human being.
I finally realized that I also didnt have a grasp of the depth of this disease. This disease demands a lot from us. Its not a normal existence .
I eventually accepted that my XAH was not going to work on arresting his disease. That it took too much from me and the scales were unbalanced. After 26 years I asked him to leave. How could I interact with a man that was drunk 24/7. I was able to do this on my own terms. Without malice and without anger.
Today he is working on his disease in the best way he can. He does go to AA. I truly believe that they cannot stop drinking one day, for them to get sober is a progression and it takes a long time for them to come to a good outcome, but it can be done.
We must gain strength and courage and wisdom to deal with this overwhelming disease that has entered our life also. We must stay with the tools of the program to win and overcome ourselves.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 13th of December 2010 12:55:08 PM
I don't have an A spouse but I will just throw my 2 cents in here anyway. Having grown up surrounded by A's and now my son is an addict I can't think of a more emotionally unavalible person than an A. And I would think that if there is no emotional connection the physical attention they seek would be like just going through the motions with no real intamacy. I know that wouldn't work for me Again just my 2 cents Blessings
Hi all, xeno your right they ARE emotionally unavailable, its like living with someone who is there in body but not in mind,
After several years of him drinking I simply told my husband that when he has had a drink, being intimate is not an option, he wasnt to ask, approach, or even suggest it, I decided that if I choose not to be intimate with him when he was drinking/drunk I wasnt going to lie, stall, or simply pretend, this might sound harsh/cruel, but I didnt lie to him, I just told him I didnt want to have sex with someone who stank, and wasnt in thier right minds, he knew that when he was sober we could and did have a perfectly normal love life, so what ever way he felt about my refusing didnt affect me in any way, thats how strong I felt about it.
failte
-- Edited by failte on Monday 13th of December 2010 05:48:52 PM
I have kind of a twist on this, in that my ABF is fairly emotionally repressed and a bit distant when sober, but becomes emotionally "disinhibited" by alcohol when he relapses and is very expressive -- in a way that I only wish he could be when sober.
It's bittersweet, because he binges heavily when he relapses, so he's not someone that you want loving intimacy with -- he's sloppy and slurring his words and physically uncoordinated. And forget about sex, because he's just not capable. Thankfully, he knows that at some level, so he doesn't make the attempt. That would just make my skin crawl, he's so different from his usual self.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
