Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New Here.....not sure, but I need to get control of my life.
Post Info TOPIC: New Here.....not sure, but I need to get control of my life.
youghlake


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:
New Here.....not sure, but I need to get control of my life.
Permalink  

HI.
I'm sure I should go to meetings, with everything I have read tonite.  But I can't just yet, maybe I can get the nerve at some point, but right now I pretty much feel like a failure in my life and my marriage.

My husband is an alcoholic, in denial.  He is of the opinion that he only drinks with me, and only drinks at home, so life is good, he doesn't have a drinking problem.

But he does.

I could write a book of worries and problems and things I need to 'fix' in my own life, but I'm sure no one here is interested in those nasty details.

We have been together almost 11 years.  His father is a recovering alcholic, who still regularly attends meetings and has since I met him.  I believe his mother has a drinking problem, but not to the extent of alcoholism.

He has a cousin that in recent years, after much family drama, many DUI's and arrests, that has sought help and is attending meetings and doing very well.  I think she is 5 years sober.

I'm still at the phase in my frustration, anger and hatred, that I am not yet able to convince myself that this is a disease.  Please don't everyone tell me how wrong I am, it's how I feel.  Right now. 

To me.....it is a willful decision to drink, instead of not drink.  I drink now and then socially, and I do or don't drink of my own free will.  I just can't see that it is anything more than many times a punishment to me.  Sort of you don't want me to drink so I'm going to drink again tonite sort of thing.

All of which is probably immature and unreasonable, but I cannot help how I currently feel.

I don't like who I have become, being with him.  I love him.  I'm not sure, I think he loves me, but I don't know, because I never see him sober.

He's a mean rude belligerant and mouthy drunk, and I've come to the point that everything in my life revolves around his drinking, and whether something I say or do will make him angry and cause drama.

I'm 44 years old, and I have decided I need more than this in my life.  My children (his step children) are 18 and 17, they know he drinks a lot, I'm not certain that they assume he's an alcoholic, they probably do.  I just try to be the buffer, and the punching bag, and the one that gets all the verbal abuse, so they don't see or hear it.

I need a change, and I'm scared to death.

His cousin who is recovering, suggests that I leave, that he has to hit rock bottom before he will decide to change.

I'm afraid to do that.....but honestly, I can't figure out why I'm afraid.

I know this is lengthy, and I've really not asked a question that someone might be able to help with. 

He blames me for his drinking last weekend I learned I'm basically the root of all evil, he hates me, he regrets every day of our marriage, and I ruined his life.

I wish I could feel like I wasn't a failure, and get a grip on how to resolve my own feelings and be a stronger person.

Thanks for listening.

Dawn


__________________
Bettina


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1744
Date:
Permalink  


Hi Dawn and welcome

You are about where I was into my marriage with the A where I seriously questioned the marriage and the disease of Alcoholism. I like you did not believe it was a disease. Yes, it is a willful decision to drink. Its a compulsion that is very difficult to control, its everything you say and more. And you are suffering from its effects.

I really do recommend reading Alanon material and checking it out for your sanity, not for the Alcoholic. If your not ready for a face to face meeting, believe me there is plenty of support on this board. There is enough strength and experience here to support you. Its instant support which you need very badly right now.

There is nothing you can do for the Alcoholic, but there is serenity waiting you if you use the tools of the program. We cant tell you what you should do about your marriage, but we have all walked in your shoes.

Wishing you strength and wisdom, Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 12th of December 2010 06:53:07 PM

__________________
Bettina
failte


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 141
Date:
Permalink  

HI Dawn

Thanks for sharing, I relate to you so much, in that I too, see it as a willful choice, and used to get so angry with my husband, because I believe he knew exactly what he was doing and went ahead and choose it anyway.

I think you know deep down its not your fault, my 1st husband used to tell me every day it was all my fault, he was so unhappy with me, I was a bad wife, bad mother, bad cook, bad lover in fact I was just bad, it never even occured to me, not even ONCE to ask him why he was with me then! I just believed him!

Then when I left he spent the next 4 years trying to get me back, no so bad then huh?

you have now taken some action, by coming on here where you will be with friends, and you will begin a new journey, so your not alone anymore, I have changed and grown on here, and so will you.

Everyone reaches their limit, and the time will come for you to stay or go, when you decide to go you will just go, you wont be scared, or think too much about it, you will just up and go, I did, and I will never go back to where I once was, stay around, pop in, chat and relate with your new friends!

faitle




__________________
youghlake


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you both for responding. I know I need help, and you're right I need to not worry about my husband right now. I need to fix me.

I'm unhappy with what I have turned into, and I feel that majority of it is due to his drinking, and my reactions to it. I suppose there is not a manual on how to respond, and I'm certain that I have made mistakes in my reactions to him and to things.

I just need to fix me. I need to not be sad, depressed, miserable, and scared all the time.

I used to be happy and outgoing, now I spend my days fretting about what is going to aggravate him next.

I can't spend the rest of my life like this, and I guess that's why I stopped here, and decided to try to learn about alcoholism and how to get a better grip on myself, and try to make myself happy and then figure out how to save the world problems. Sorry trying to be lighthearted, and I just can't seem to pull it off right now.

It's good to know that people here are able to speak from experience, rather then speculation. I'm sure I can learn a lot.

Please just be patient with me.



__________________
Evian


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 67
Date:
Permalink  

Hi, I'm new here as well. I am going through the same thing as you. Except, I'm 33 and we have 3 kids together.. 13, 11 and 8. I just love how they like to blame everything on us, and make us feel like crap. I know things have to change, and I'm taking the steps to do that. I often wonder why I don't leave him. Scared I guess. I've been with him since I was 15 yrs old. I have suffered years of him being unfaithful, and him being emotionally and verbally abusive. I really am to young for this crap!

All I can now is that we are here now, and it seems like we are among new friends, that know what we are going through. I wish you best of luck on your journey to a new life.

Jen

__________________
I am a butterfly emerging from it's cocoon
youghlake


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:
Permalink  

Jen,

I agree all that I have read on here it does seem as if we are among friends.  I hope this helps.

Thanks

Dawn

__________________
RLC


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1483
Date:
Permalink  

(((Dawn)))

Welcome !! Your not alone anymore. You have taken the first step in your recovery. I say your recovery because we become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic in our lives without knowing it. It doesn't matter if you think it is a disease or not. The fact is, you have been effected by someone else's drinking, and you can have the help this program offers.

Like you, alcoholism drove me crazy, made me do things no sane person would ever do. It's the nature of the beast. Your life can get better, not overnight, but it will happen, "One Day At A Time".

Consider attending AlAnon meetings. I understand you are nervous, but there is no need to be. Members in the rooms of Al-Anon will welcome you with open arms. They have been where you are, have walked in your shoes and understand as no one else can. There are also two meeting on this board daily, the meeting times can be found at the top left of this page.

Give Al-Anon a try. You can get your life back, and you deserve to get your life back. You can find out how to be happy whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not. The program will help you make the decisions you need to make in your life.

Four years ago I made a decision to try the program, accept the program, not question the program, work the program, and make it a everyday part of my life. It's been a life changer for me and the same can happen to you.

I'm gald you are here, keep coming back, you have found a new family who cares and understands, and wants you to have the peace and serenity that this program offers. Go for it Dawn. I'll mention one more time.....your not alone anymore !!
HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 12th of December 2010 07:59:20 PM

__________________

hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

Hi Dawn Welcome

I too could not accept the disease as it related to drinking but I could readily see how that behaavior had infected me.  Yes, I needed help to find new tools to live my life

I was a confident successful business women in the outside world but within my home in the intimate places where I lived. I too had become frightened, isolated, and walking on egg shells.  I was responsible for all the problems in the relationship and  the maker of all evil in the household

  I would just like to second RLC's excellent suggestions. We also have
 on line meeting here 2xs a day.  If you are not ready to go to a face to face meeting please try that.  Al Anon offered me new tools to use in order to live my life.    These tools helped me recapture the me I  had lost fighting the problems I had not created

 Some of the tools I use are

Live one Day at a Time
Focus on Yourself
Share (here or at meetings)_
Pray the serenity prayer at time of stress
Act do not react
Keep coming back  It is all progress not perfection

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  



Aloha Dawn...and Jen...and all the other newbies to MIP.  We all have to start some
where and at some time just like the others who have been here and in program for
a longer period of time.  We started at Go and then continued.  I couldn't see myself
in Al-Anon and then the other program and so I didn't take kindly to the suggestions
about attending.  We are the ones that get us there or not and we are responsible for
the consequences of our choices and actions so like RLC mentioned I got sicker than
my alcoholic wife and was closer to self inflicted death than she was from her drinking.

Dawn living with an alcoholic for 11 years means as I have learned it, that you have
had that much time getting progressively sick from the drinking.  I read what you
posted here and I can say from experience that if you get into the program giving
yourself permission and encouragement to go as often as you can; and you keep an
open mind when you are there you will also start to learn what you need to learn from
the people who have learned it that way also.  The answers are in the rooms of the
Al-Anon Family Groups and in as much literature as you can get your hands on and
read.  Find out as much as you can about alcoholism...not his alcoholism but alcoholism
the disease.   This disease affects millions both drinker and non-drinker.  There are
over 2 million recoverying alcoholics in AA world-wide.  Alcoholism is cunning, powerful
and baffling and it has brought you to the doors of MIP.  Some of what you will get
from the membership is that we will love you until you love yourself and will allow you
to make the choices you have made and will make in the future without judgement or
blame even when those choices will not be ours from lessons learned in recovery.  We
will understand where you have been and where you are right now from our own
experiences.  Often times we will be able to swap shoes and they will fit comfortably
because we have been there, done that too.  We will share our Experience, Strength,
and Hope with you and our Love without one smidgen of expectation of you.  This is
how I was first led in Al-Anon and then every step there after

I came into Al-Anon unknowing; clueless about alcohol and alcoholism, what it was,
how it worked, how to spell it and even if it had anything to do with me.  I didn't even
know that being born and raised in it had anything to do with me then...married to
one after being married to another and in between them...another.   I didn't know and
I didn't know that I didn't know and what the first meeting promised me was "if you
keep an open mind, you will find help."  Promise kept!!   I relayed that same promise
to you above.  All you have to do is get to the first open meeting available to you and
stay in your chair until the end of the meeting and you will hear it in the closing state-
ment yourself.

Glad for you for finding MIP and in support.   (((((hugs))))) smile

__________________
markaid


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  

Far out! Thanks for sharing. This is my first time here - my wife is an alcoholic (and we have 4 kids!) which has made my life a living hell - so I sure can relate to what you said - the anger, the denial. GET/Stay strong. Look after YOURSELF - your health your needs because if you keep doing things picking up the pieces, the alcoholic doesn't need to look at what their doing. One of the hard parts I found (probably because we are kind, ethical,compassionate, do service to others) is keeping on track with what you know is right as your partner twists everything around to suit their drinking. One of the main things I learned was addicts always have a head full of excuses because then they don't have to look at themselves and think their justified to have another drink. See this article too http://hubpages.com/hub/Stop-Supporting-An-Alcoholic-Partner


__________________
Stay in A Loving Feeling!
failte


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 141
Date:
Permalink  

Hi to Mark, Evian and Dawn,

It might be too early yet, but if you click on the top left hand link "Step work board" and enter you will see that the 12 steps has just began, we are on step 3 now, but your welcome to just read it to get some idea of what the programs consists of, and of course if you have any questions just ask.

Dont be afraid to post on any of the steps, just because we are on Step 3 doesnt mean the other steps are finished, so feel free to join in or just use these shares to help you better understand.

Do try to get your hands on the books, go to Amazon where they can be bought used, or again click the links of this board, I found the one on Detachment very helpful and am now reading "getting them sober" volume 1 as there are 4 different volumes.

Remember "A journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step"

Failte

-- Edited by failte on Monday 13th of December 2010 06:45:36 AM

__________________
DreamXL


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 405
Date:
Permalink  

Hi and welcome :)  i could argue the disease or not all day long and in the end, it doesnt really matter if it is or if it isnt, now does it.  What matters is how it effects us.  The blame game that you talk about is pretty typical of someone with an addiction.  Instead of taking responsibility for their own actions and choices its way easier to blame someone else.  Pretty common...pls keep coming back you will find the answers your looking for :) 

__________________
youghlake


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:
Permalink  

Dream

Thanks, it was nice chatting with you guys last night as well.

You are right, it doesn't matter what causes it, the end result is I'm miserable and need to try to keep from having a nervous breakdown.

Thank you.

Dawn


__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New Here.....not sure, but I need to get control of my life.