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Last night, AH and I went to his friend's house to have dinner and hang out. AH brought a bottle of wine with him. It was a really big bottle of wine. If I had to guess the size of it, I would say it was at least a half gallon bottle of wine, if not more. AH ended up drinking the entire thing by himself, plus several beers.
As the night went on, I could tell that AH was getting trashed. Around 10:30pm, AH got a horrible case of the hiccups that had him doubling over in pain and started making him feel very sick. He went to lay down in the guest bedroom for about an hour. His friend made a comment to me that he had to work in the morning, and that if he didn't go to bed soon, it was going to be a very uncomfortable day for him. So I went to wake up AH, which was next to impossible, and told him we needed to go soon since his friend needed to get to bed. He kept complaining that his stomach hurt really bad. I said "I know, but we need to go. Get up." He wouldn't budge. So I went and asked his friend if it was ok if AH stayed the night and if he would bring him home in the morning since his office is near our house. He said he would. So I went and woke up AH again, told him I talked to his friend, and that I was just going to leave him there. He said "No I will just go with you." I told him he needed to get up now. He starts complaining over and over and over about how bad his stomach hurt, and was blaming it on the food he ate earlier at dinner. I wanted to tell him it wasn't the food, that it was the god-awful amount of alcohol he drank, but I kept my mouth shut. The more he complained, the angrier I could feel myself become. Anything he said to me, my answers were very short in response, or I just flat out ignored him. The 30 minute drive home, he moaned and groaned the entire way, and complained a few times as well.
We got home, and AH went straight to bed. I put my things away, and started to walk out of the room. He asked me where I was going. I told him to bed. He said "You don't want to stay in here with me." I told him I was going to sleep on the couch. He reached out for me so he could give me a hug and kiss, and told me good night.
It is now 8:44am, and he is still asleep, which is very unusual for him to still be sleeping this time of morning. I thought after a good night's sleep for myself, I would wake up feeling refreshed and wouldn't be angry with him, but I still am. I have absolutely no compassion for him feeling just awful last night, and I can already tell I am not going to have any for him today either. I am sure that will be the first thing he talks about when he wakes up, and I can just see myself saying to him that if it were up to me, last night would never be mentioned again.
One thing that I can say about last night that I am so proud of myself for is that after he ran out of wine, he asked me if I would go to the store for him and buy him some beer. I looked at him, and said "Absolutely not. We've already had this discussion about how I feel about that, and you should know better than to ever ask me to do that again." He came up to me hugged me, and apologized for asking and said that I was right, that he did know better. Yay for me for sticking to my boundary!
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
You may be struggling with compassion, but your behavior sure doesn't show it. I applaud you. I am inspired.
Your post serves to remind me, my Higher Power does for me what I cannot do for myself.
Keep it up, keep close to your HP. When you have to engage in conversation today, invite your HP into that conversation first, before you engage. Things go much more smoothly when I express that I want HP's will, not my own. (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 12th of December 2010 10:21:35 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Kimmy, great for you for sticking to your boundary !!! Im not sure why your feeling you should have compassion for him, he drank himself sick, plain and simple. :)
Seems like you're doing a great job, Kimmy. You stuck to your boundary about not enabling him by buying alcohol. Good for you!
For me, having compassion does not that I never feel irritated. Compassion means that I understand that the other person is suffering and is not doing what they are doing TO ME. They are doing it because they are sick. That said, having compassion does not mean that I happily take care of things the A could take care of himself and fuss all over him after he makes himself sick.
In my case, I had to set a boundary that I just simply did not want to be around my AH if he was drinking - I never got to the place where I could be around it and not give away my serenity.
Sorry you had to experience that, But I have to completly agree with glad lee on this. You not only felt compassion you showed it last night, Compassion does not mean you feel sorry for your husband this morning when he is moaning and groaning about his hurting stomach. If he says it was the food you need only reply that no one else got sick and let it go. Personally I would be a lot angier than you sound and would have to really dig deep in my program to handle this situation. What you can have compassion for is his disease. That he is sick, in pain (mental) so much so that he drinks to drown it out. It doesn't mean you take care of him today or sypmatize with his hangover. Just that he has a disease I know for myself I never had one ounce of compassion for any of my A's not even my own son. Until I really looked into my sons eyes one night and saw the most incredible pain there that I had ever witnessed in my life. That day I realized this disease is not personal. I had taken my sons addiction very personally as it was something he was "doing to us". In fact we didn't even figure into the equation. He was in so much pain apparently only his drugs to relieve him of that pain for a while and this was something he was doing to himself not to us. Actually once I learned compassion was I then able to learn how to detach, set and follow thru with boundaries etc. It seemed like the domino effect. Today I can say I have compassion for all A's....I know how easily I slip in my own program what must it be like for someone who has a brain that is screaming to them for a drink or a drug. I think you handled things beautifully Blessings
I have to be honest, if My AH had bought a gallon of wine, there is no way I would have gone and participated by watching him drink it and then being his caretaker to make sure he got home. I would have asked the husband to drive me home first.
This is my opinion and my boundary, but since you went , you had no other choice, you were made to feel responsible for your husbands actions and you were angry inside.
Alanon is not about holding our anger , its about protecting ourself from the alcholic and making better decisions for our life.
I agree you did well and I know you will hold program close today
I found I could not listen to all the complaints about their health after they had been very busy destroying it.
I simply said"If you are really so ill and feel so badly, I think you should call your doctor or just rest until you feel better" I would then go on with my day.
I do not have a problem with compassion for the insanity of this disease. It does not mean I have to fix it or cry about it. Just feel that instead of anger or hate.
Thanks for your responses. He did finally wake up, and said that he had a hangover and still felt pretty bad. Then he changed his mind and said he didn't think it was a hangover because he's never had one before, and that he didn't drink that much last night. I reminded him of how much he did drink, and he changed his mind again about the hangover and said that he probably did have one after all. Took everything within me to not roll my eyes at him. He has been laying around all morning since he woke up, and now he is sleeping again. He has household responsibilities to take care of today, such as laundry, but yet he is sleeping. I refuse to pick up the slack and take care of the laundry today because it was his stupid mistake for drinking himself sick last night. I want so bad to go in there and wake him up, so he can suffer the consequences of feeling bad instead of sleeping it off. I don't know if that is such a wise idea though. He hates for people to wake him up, and has a tendency to get angry if that happens. At the same time, like I said, he has responsibilities he needs to take care of today, and it isn't my job to do them for him because he made poor choices the night before. UGH!
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
You just want to focus on your choices, Kimmy. What does taking care of yourself look like? Is it your laundry too? If my laundry needed to get done, I would do my laundry, to take care of myself.
Things had to change in my marriage, for sure. My AH had the responsibility of getting our bills out on time, but he rarely did it on time. If it had my name on it, I would see to it that it got done, to protect my credit. According to our agreement, it was his duty to take care of this responsibility, but he wasn't. I was powerless to change that. So I took care of myself.
He is feeling the consequences, believe me. You have the option to pass up on the temptation to control or change him, and go ahead and have a great Sunday. Let it go. Surrender to your powerlessness and take care of yourself.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I may be naughty, but a part of me always appreciated HP and the alcohol kickin his butt so I wouldn't be imagining doing so. This was my way of "handing it over". It kept me from being angry the next day.
I ended up being like Bettina, I just wouldn't go with him anymore. Every time I was the one getting upset, so I quit signing up for it and removed myself. My A used to beg me to go with him to events but I'm sure it was mostly so he would have a chauffer and be able to get trashed.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Oh Kimmy, have I been there! Over and over again. And my AH gets no compassion from me. After he has been trashed and ill, I don't say anything. I just ignore him and stay out of his way as much as possible. The alternative is to embark on yet another pointless row. I think he has learnt he will get no sympathy from me. The little bit of compassion I do have for him stops me throwing him out - or leaving him. I stay and make sure he is ok. That's it. (well, I wish it was but I do my crying in private)
You did amazingly well last night - more than he deserved. Now take care of you - you are the most important person in this relationship.
