New here, and need some help/advice - Al-Anon Family Group

Evian · Veteran Member

New here, and need some help/advice

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi Evian and welcome. These boards have been a life saver to me...in helping keep me sane and offer encouragement in the midst of insanity and craziness.

I have been where you are - I still am, only difference is now I don't feel quite as crazy because of the progress I'm making in the Alanon program and the books I read.

I have read both those book - I'm actually reading Getting them Sober right now, I LOVE it.

There is a person on here, Canadianguy, who offers the book Getting them sober to other Alanon-ers for free to those who can't afford them. I believe he ships them to you - but check it out with him. I believe it is a 'sticky post' at the top of the main page.

Try to get to an alanon meeting, chat on here, focus on you.

I know how hard it is and how absolutely crazy you can feel. The emotional roller coaster is so exhausting! But, focusing on yourself and trying to not concern yourself with your alcoholic, really does help.

Best of luck and keep coming back!! You will find so much hope and strength and encouragement here. I know I did.... :)

Danielle

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Saturday 11th of December 2010 07:05:51 PM

danielle0516 · Senior Member

hi again, here is the link to the offer for the free Getting them Sober book:)

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42727&p=3&topicID=34509057

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hu Jenn

Welcome So glad you found MIP Listening to your experience I can truly identify and know that you will benefit from alanon and MIP .

You asked for suggestions so I would like to say what worked for me. :

Try to attend alanon meetings that are held in your community, If that is impossible, we have 2 on line meetings here each day. Come here post, read former posts, Try to live one day at a time, focus on yourself, pray and try to make a gratitude list each day,

These will all help to break the isolation and bring the focus on to yourself where you will learn to feel better.

Please keep coming back

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome

You are in the right place
Of course your husband doesn't want you to go to alanon, that could mean change and alcoholics don't like change especially if it interfers with thier drinking.
Go anyway, alanon is for you. Doesn't have anything to do with him really. And as you have young children your growth in alanon will help them grow up with healthy coping skills.
You are not the cause of your husbands drinking..just like you can't make him stop drinking you also can't make him take a drink. You are just not that powerful.
Go to alanon learn how to take care of you and your children despite what your husband is doing. He thinks he wants recovery ? Great all he has to do is walk into an AA meeting to start his recovery for you your recovery starts with alanon.
Please go to the meetings and work the program You will never be disappointed
You will find love, support and encouragement
No one will tell you what to do. We don't give advise unless you are in physical danger. Your decisions will be supported.
Welcome to the family
Blessings

Evian · Veteran Member

Thanks so much, already starting to feel there's hope :) he won't go to AA, says he doesn't need to go to that. I have been told by alot of people that I have to take care of myself, and not worry about anyone else. I know they're right, I just find it so hard to do. Well.. Guess that's why I'm here. Let the process begin!

failte · Senior Member

Hi Evian

I am new here too you will see my story in some of the other posts, this site saved my sanity, no one will understand you like they do on here, if you look on Amazon the books are availale second hand (used) and also why not visit your library and ask for the self help section, there are a lot of good books there too, I read a lot to help me try to understand.

Someone on here said to me "nothing changes, if, nothing changes" it was very profound, and i found that I cant stop the drinking, the amount of drink, how often, how much is spent on it,but I CAN change me and how I think and feel, while I dont go to al anon, I do think you would benefit and learn tools to pass on to your kids, do this for them, and stop the sickness of alcoholism spreading, the craziness, chaos, madness will never stop or change unless you stop it or change it, your husband wont stop, and fast forward 20 years, you might find yourself still living like that, do something now, you can control you, god bless you and welcome!

failte

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

evian, I'm so glad you found this place. You are not alone but among people who understand what you're going through. That alone can be such a big help. Read the posts here and don't be shy about posting yourself. If you can't get to an alanon meeting I suggest trying the online meetings here. (Info on the online meetings can be found in the yellow square at the top left of the page.)
Take care of you and your children. Please keep coming back.

Tattyhead · Senior Member

Hi Evian. Like Danielle, this Board and the Chat Room have been a life-saver to me. I have found the support to be unquestioning and completely unjudgemental. You cannot fight this disease on your AH's behalf but you can take care of yourself and your children. Alanon can help and, like others have said if you cannot get to meetings, try the on-line meetings here. We have all been, or currently are, where you are and understand exactly what you are going through. Coming in here and being allowed to vent and receiving so much support in return has helped me keep it together. This is a truly awesome place.

Tish xxx

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

please find meetings for yourself it may make him angry but what else is new ? You need support from people who understand where your at . there are meetings on this site at 9am and pm daily they will help til you find the courage to go to a real meeting .
our official Al-Anon web site has what they call Pod Casts , www.alanon-alateen.org click this site and choose the language of choice then go to the link that says pod casts .there are several diff topics that are discussed you will find them helpful . and NO your not crazy . please understand that YOU are not the reason he drinks regardless of what he says ,your simply not that powerful to make anyone drink or stop . good luck Louise

Evian · Veteran Member

:) again... Thanks

I must say that I did something today that made me proud of myself. Earlier in the day before my AH started drinking for the day, I told him that if he wanted anything from the store, he had better get it, as I did not want to go out at all today. Fast forward a few hrs, and he asks me to take him to the store for cigarrettes. I told him no ( meanwhile scared that he was going to start a major argument) and reminded him of what I had said to him earlier that day. I told him to please respect my decision, and that I know he may not like it, but that I was finally growing a backbone, and repeated that I was not driving him to the store. He wasn't happy about it, but eventually he walked to the store himself. I expected him to be mad when he returned, but surprisingly he wasn't. All in all, it felt good to be able to say no, and not back down from it. Yay me!!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

If we want respect we have to ask for it and boundaries are one way of achieving the goal , I have to be respectful when saying no , leave the lecture out just a simple NO. ya did good Louise

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Evian!

Good for you for saying no - we learn here that "No" is a complete sentence. Before I got here, I couldn't say no. I would just kinda hedge, soften up the "no" with some fluff where it didn't sound like "no," and then hope the other person wasn't mad. I learned here that I do not need to apologize for saying "no," I do not need to explain all the reasons or make a case for my decision, and that I have every right to say no to protect myself.

Glad to see your progress already - looking forward to getting to know you on your journey.

:) Summer

markaid · Newbie

"He seems to be putting things off". Know that one really well, it can go on for months the putting things off and you are caught in the web of his drinking. The main thing is to LOOK at ACTIONS, stop believing the WORDS. Remember, a real decision is measured by the fact that you have taken new action. If there is no action, you have not truly decided. - Tony Robbins

failte · Senior Member

in my experience things were put off for YEARS not months, then before you know it 23 years have gone by, you look back and see 23 years of lies, betrayals, deceit, confusion, blame, pain, shame, but the crazy thing is that you dont know how it happened, or how that amount of time flew by,

I tended to live from drinking binge to drinking binge, one crisis to the next, then I'd get the promises, apoligies, and would believe, and move on, not knowing it was not going to change, and if i knew then that it would be 23 years I would have walked away the day I met my husband,

I guess some on here might say "well, that wont be me" I wont put up with it for that long" but of course I said that myself, and STILL found I ended up putting up with it, I think a lot of it was that I didnt want to walk out because of my son, so he could have his father, but thing is then my son grew up and became an A, so I had to walk out on both of them, if I had any words of wisdom it would be not to let it go as long as I did, put a time limit on this, dont give your life over to someone who isnt giving thier life over to you.

failte

youghlake · Member

failte

how did you get past the lies, deceit, sneaking, and hurt ?

I can't forgive him. I look at him every morning, and am filled with hurt and frustration and sometimes even hatred.

My husband, drinks every single day. He's in denial, he has no problem according to him, but he can polish off 20-25 beer a day, at least.

He drinks at home, watching tv, hanging out, and is very high functioning. He's never got a hangover, so he thinks he's fine.

In the meantime, by bed time, I hate him, and can't stand to look at him or be in the same house, and just feel like beating him over the head with the nearest object.

Everything in our life revolves around his drinking or his lies. He lies about everything, he would lie about the weather if I didn't have a window I could see it myself.

It's like he has to lie.....and that just compounds all the other issues.

How do you forgive ?

Dawn

failte · Senior Member

Hi Dawn

I havent forgiven him, you see my story on the other posts, I left him 7 months ago, after 23 years, he was a weekend drinker, but it did escalate to a few nights a week now and then, he wasnt abusive, but there would always be a scene or drama, and then five years ago my son joined him, but my son drank every night, so I had no peace, so 7 months ago I walked out on both of them, having been through hell.

my husband stopped drinking the day I left and hasnt drank since, he is trying to win me back, he has often stopped for this lenght of time before, so I am a bit wary,

with the lies and deceit I just fooled myself into believing he would stop this time, made myself believe him, didnt know till I got on here the power this stuff has over them, they wont stop, my husband has a therapist she is an addictions counsellor, I think he was with her a year before he even told her he drank, when we broke up she was really shocked, and I suspect its cos he never let her know the reality of how bad things were.

he has been in therapy before for over 18 months, but never stopped drinking through that time either, he only brings up his "alcohol problem" when he wants me to relent and let him drink, then he says he cant live without it etc etc, but if I try to broach it, mention AA or literature etc, he is very vague and non committal,

he admits he lied to himself and to me over the last 23 years and says if I had left him anytime during that 23 years he would have stopped, he admits he never thought I would leave him and says it was such a shock and has put things into priorty for him, but I still am very wary and will take another couple of months to decide if I will go back to him

one thing is for sure, if he EVER touches another drop of alcohol I will competely disown him and never have any communication with him again, if he even asked me to allow him to drink on any occasion its over, now I have been alone I know I will never go back to that way of life again, I dont feel half as crazy or sick as I used to, and now I know its not me, it wasnt my problem it was his no matter who he was married to he would have had this problem

failte

danielle0516 · Senior Member

I try to always tell myself that this is a disease (if you don't believe it's a disease, I don't think that matters, bottom line, it's causing what it's causing, it's stripping away the person you fell in love with)....I tell myself that this is a disease and the drinking, the obnoxious behaviour, the arrogance, the pity parties, the self centerdness, and the Lying...are all symptoms of this disease.

I try to tell myself this...over and over again, and it helps to not take it personally. It is NOT personal. I know it's so hard to not take it personally, but, the more you try, the easier it gets.

My AH's sponsor told him (about finding a Higher Power) he said, "Fake it till you make it".

I loved that and use it to.

I started faking it, that things didn't bother me, I pretended I was fine...and, sooner that I could have imagined, it got WAY easier! I wasn't as hurt/upset/frustrated ect...

My husband lies about absolutely everything too. Like yours, he would lie to me about the weather if I didn't have a window. He lied about EVERYTHING! Even stupid things that there was no reason at all to lie about. But, I'm sure in his sick delusional mind there was...

ANyway, so, it is very common for A's to lie, it is because they are so guilt ridden and feel so much shame (even if they haven't said this out loud) so they lie, lie and lie some more.

I can't count the number of times I've caught the A in a lie. I spent $1000 on spy software to catch his lies! I could have worked for the CIA.. I was so clever and crafty..I was obsessed with figuring out the lies. This got me nowhere...no where but more crazy and more frustrated, and feeling more helpless.

WHat did start helping me and working for me...was to tell myself all the time that it is not personal ect.. eventually, you will start to believe it, then it will hurt less and less!

Danielle

youghlake · Member

I admire your strength.

I too look for the lies now, because I am 1000000% positive that every day there will be one. At the end of the day, what did I achieve. Making myself want to puke, and wondering what my future holds, and getting hurt and sick and angry all over again.

I wish I had the strength to do something drastic, and figure out who in the heck I am now....because in the last 11 years, I sure have lost who I am.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

oh... one more thing I'd like to add.

I think the only way I could ever forgive my AH is if he got sober, stayed sober, worked all the steps, and apologized to me, in detail, for everything.

As for now, I just try not to hate him. .. I try to understand it's a disease and have compassion. I wouldn't hate him if he had cancer or diabetes would I?

That's what I tell myself.

it helps me.

But, forgiveness.. that's HUGE. I do believe in forgiveness, but, in this case, I have been through SO SO SO much crap that unless AH is very genuine and serious and real and remorseful and sober for a long time and goes in detail about WHY he's sorry... then, I won't be able to ever forgive him. or, at least that's how I feel right now.

With that being said though, I think forgiveness is different than understanding and compassion..

Evian · Veteran Member

Dawn,

I often wonder myself how can I forgive? My AH is pretty much like yours. Has to have at least 20 beers a/day, and we have a very low income right now, so with the beer and cigarretes, it's hard to keep up with the bills and groceries and all. That's what makes me more angry... is the fact that he couldn't care less if the bills got paid.. just as long as he has his drink he's good.

All he does these days is sit on his ass watching tv, beer in hand. And there's the kids and I, walking on eggshells and watching that we don't say or do something to make him mad.. cus.. if we do.. watch out.. something is about to be picked up and thrown, or should I say smashed down to the ground.

I know that this is a bad enviornment to raise my kids in. But like most others, I still have it stuck in my head that they are better to have their dad in their life than not have him here.
I have thought about leaving him so many times, but have not done so as of yet.

The disease is killing us both. He drinks, I eat. I have developed an eating disorder and have gained weight, I know this. For the health of myself and my kids, I realize that I need to start caring for myself, but can't seem to get off the couch and get motivated. Dishes pile up, laundry piles up, and the kids land up having alot of eat whatever you want nights.

He too lies, forgets simple things, doesn't shower... I can't stand the man sometimes.

So, why do I stay? Why do I continue to put myself through all the bull crap?

danielle0516 · Senior Member

There will always be a lie... every day, when they are still drinking. My husband lies about what time he got off work (that is before he lost his job), he lied about what time he went to bed, what time he woke up, what he did all day, whether or not he made a phone call, how he feels, if he drank, whether or not he drove drunk, why he wasn't here for my daughter when she got home from school ect... the list is never ending!

I try to just focus on me, what I want, what I have to do ect.. and try not to think about the A and his ridiculous absurd childlike arrogant obnoxious selfish behaviour.

It really does help.

I used to drive myself absolutely insane obsessing over him and what he was or was not doing. I used to think, if only I find this out, if only I do this one more thing, If only I had a GPS tracker in the car, if only I installed spy cameras in the house, if only if only... got me nowhere but more crazy.

I totally lost myself...and the strong, confident, happy, person I used to be.

I'm trying to find that person again... get myself back. I'm starting to care less and less about whatever the Alcoholic is doing.

youghlake · Member

I agree with both of you. But I don't know. I'm still new and trying to understand the concept of focusing on me. I am pleased (not really but more sane) to see the posts I have read yesterday and today.

I'm not a stark raving mad lunatic. There are others that feel like I do, I'm not having a nervous breakdown.

I love him. I keep telling myself this. I can't picture my life without him, or with him. But then I try to figure out if I'm trying to convince myself or not.

My kids are 17 and 18. They are old enough that they don't need him in their life (they are his step children). They love him, but as much as he tries to hide things, they see it.

And because he is pretty high functioning. He's never drunk, not to the naked eye. To me because I have been with him 11 years.

The kids don't notice it, they just always see him drinking a beer. He doesn't slur his words, he doesn't trip around the house. He drinks 25 beer a day, and simply turns into an asshole.

Then I try to keep the peace and absorb the brunt of his verbal attacks, and the kids ignore him and go to their room, or go play xbox or something.

It's a vicious circle.

He won't admit he has a problem.....I'm left to be everyone's mother and 'fix' it all.

I'm tired of fixing everything, I need to fix me.

Because I pretty much hate myself right now.

Sometimes I feel like he might be right.....it is all my fault. If i were a better person, nicer, prettier, more patient, smarter, whatever....that my life would be different.

In my mind I know that is a load of crap. In my heart, I hurt.

failte · Senior Member

Hi yes, I know we shouldnt get caught up in whether its a disease or not, and I do try not to, the only reason that crops up is because he tells me he cant live without alcohol, but then works 6 days a week without it, and can go for months/weeks without drinking so I suppose I am trying to catch him out, or fiquer him out, in that, is it something that he can control, and is he pretending to me he cant live without it when really he can?

anyway, it doesnt matter now as i have left him and he isnt drinking for now, I too got caught up in the catching him lying thing too, but only ever when he drank, on a day to day basis, he is reliable and trustworthy, he does financially support me, and is so okay when he doesnt drink,

then once he begins to drink all the lies come spilling out, no, he hasnt had more than he should, no he hasnt been sneaking off and drinking more, or someone elses etc etc, he becomes drop down dead drunk, and I dont feel safe with him, say if we are out, or doing something social, I cant rely on him not to embarrass me, next day, he will admit the lying, apoligise and seem ashamed of himself, then it begins all over again the following weekend, I always remind him of his promises, the shame he felt, how he is now embarrassing himself again, but its like talking to a brick wall,

I got crazy trying to prove things to him, but even when your right, its still wrong, wrong that he drinks so much, wrong that he lies, wrong that he strings me along for all those years pretending he will change.

bout 3 years ago I finally GOT IT, a light went on in my head, I realised he was lying to me and to him, that he would never stop, that I would be like this for as long as I lived with him, that this doesnt get better on its own, but it still took me 3 more years to walk out and stop it, of course now I could kick myself, cos I could have stopped it sooner, but then I think we have to walk a certain path.

failte

danielle0516 · Senior Member

I think we put ourselves through it because we love them and we want the person we fell in love with back. Well, that's why I'm still here... But, leaving is looking more and more appealing to me as the days go by, as I'm getting better and focusing more and me, as I learn that I'm actually happier when the Alcoholic is NOT here driving me crazy!

I know exactly how it feels to have no energy to do anything! The dishes, the laundry, ect... there are days when I sometimes just want to lay in bed all day and cry.

The fact that the A doesn't seem to care if the bill gets paid, or if he racked up $13,000 of credit card debt, or about anything but his stupid vodka makes me finding the motivation to do stuff around the house harder.

But, I try to just do something, every day, that I can feel good about... so that I feel like I accomplished something, anything.. no matter how hard it is to do that thing.

It helps..makes me feel better. As times went on, it got easier.

If you are really worried about depression, lack of motivation, maybe go see a doctor and gets some pills or whatever they suggest to help yourself. It's common for the A's spouse to become depressed, even if only situationally.

**HUGS**

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello Evian,

Welcome to the MIP family! It appears you have gotten some valuable ES&H here. You are no longer alone.

Please keep coming and posting here, there is so much to learn from each other. If you truly focus on yourself and work this program with honesty you will find change and increased serenity - regardless of what others are doing around you. You will gain more understanding of yourself and others and amazingly find forgiveness and compassion. It doesn't happen overnight - but it does happen.

We are here for you and we understand.

Tricia

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Failte, I totally understand why you're confused with your Ah's behaviour and drinking patterns.. I would be to. Wish I understood!

The whole is he lying to me or pretending something for some secret motive! I wish I had the answer..

If your husband could control his drinking, you probably would not be where you are right now.

So, my guess would be that he truly does believe he can't live without it.

It's progressive...I have seen that first hand! So, if your hubs can go a week or months not drinking right now, it doesn't mean, unless he gets help, that eventually he won't be able to go a day without drinking.

My hubs used to only drink on weekends, he would get so falling over pissed drunk..we would fight all weekend, I'd be embarrassed, frustrated, ect....Then, he's be Mr. normal all week, just like your hubs, mine would apologize, feel bad ect.. then, same thing next weekend. He would even promise me he wouldn't drink or wouldn't drink much, then the exact same thing would happen yet again. It went on like that for a few years....

Then, 2-3 years later... he is now drinking a bottle of vodka a day.

I was still in denial back then though... I didn't really want to think he was an A... just that he didn't each much that day, or he's also nervous and anxious ect.. I made up so many reasons in my head to justify why he was acting like a total mean, rude, rabies infected Bafoon!

failte · Senior Member

Hi yough and danielle

I wrote the above while you were posting, I am genuinely sorry to hear its so bad for both of you, but know that you are now in the right place and begining a journey that will help you both, I think once we begin this journey, we can only learn and grow, and change, as you can see above I only got it 3 years ago, but have now taken control of my iife and changed things for me, whether my husband really does change or not is up to him, but I know for me I have stopped the madness and the sickness, if that means living alone for the rest of my life, then so be it, I would now rather be alone, I can depend on myself, I trust myself, so if thats what it takes to find peace, I am okay with that.

I hope for both of you that you find your peace too, whatever it may be!

failte

failte · Senior Member

Hi danielle

yes your right, gosh we sound so alike, same experiences! anyway, if I had allowed him over the years he would quite happily have drank 7 nights a week, its only because i am the stronger of the two of us and would put my foot down and wouldnt allow it because of our son, but say at times like when a family member died and I wasnt strong it would then be 7 nights a week, but yes your right in that of course he wasnt controlling it, in any way, and then thats the nature of this thing, confusion, now thank God the confusion has dispelled for me, and i am very clear on how my future is going to be.

its a disease in that it spreads its sickness and dis-ease down through all the family,

failte

Evian · Veteran Member

Wow! It truly is amazing to hear that so many of us are experiencing the same things, emotions etc. It makes me happy to know that I'm not alone. My AH is also a high functioning A. The kids see him drinking, and sometimes they only notice that he's had alot when he starts picking fights with me, then they ask me why Dad has to drink. Other than that, the only way they would know is the fact that he always has bottle in his hand, and he'll sit on the couch and get them to get him another bottle. Of course you can smell it a mile away, but he still seems to be able to function. That's why for a long time he said that he didn't have a problem, he just liked the taste, and that he could stop whenever he wanted..

I guess I just have to start by doing one healthy thing a day. No matter how small it may be, as long as it's healthy for me.

Evian · Veteran Member

Dawn,

Big hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel... if only I... if only...

We can get through this.. one day at a time

:)

youghlake · Member

Thanks....so I probably did something today at lunch that is a big no no or something; and falls back into my regular traps of trying to speak to him.

I own a small business, he works with me part time since he lost his job (NOT drinking related). So we have gotten into the routine of going to lunch together.

He consistently orders two large beers at lunch, and then he goes home and I go back to work.

So yesterday I was angry and mad, and that's actually how i found this website. I went to the basement, part snooping, and part looking for a packing box of christmas items.

I found where he had gone to the basement and drank 5 or 6 of my Smirnoff drinks that I have had since summer, and hid the empties in the cupboards down there.

It really made me angry, but I didn't say anything yesterday.

So sitting at lunch, I said to him.

Can you tell me, why, when you drink at home as much as you want already, you feel the need to go hide in the basement and drink. He said because he felt like it. I said can't you see that you have a problem. Immediately he says he doesn't have a problem. So as calmly as I could while we were in public I said to him, you have a problem, someone that hides in the basement to drink, someone that hides beer cans under your dresser, or in the insulation in the ceiling of the basement knows they have a problem, because it is not normal behavior. That I don't care if he ever admits it to me, because I already know and recognize what the problem is, but some day he has to admit it to himself.

So I told him that I have spent 11 years trying to fix us, when it's obvious that he made the choice of beer over me and my children. He immediately says that's not true, blah blah. I said all the words and apologies in the world don't change the facts. The facts are I would give anything for our relationship to be what it once was, or at least what I thought it was.....but I can't fix you, I can't change your drinking. Only you can do that, and until you are ready, you won't be able to do that..

But at the end of the day I need to change me, and right now I'm telling you I'm not living like this anymore, with the lies and deceit and bullcrap between us.

We have a relationship or we don't, but it has to be based on fact, not fiction as you see it.

So he got a little emotional. I told him I don't care, I love him, and he's a good person until about noon everyday and then he's an ass. That something has to give, and quite honestly I have given everything I have, and I'm drained.

Basically, meaning that he should do what he feels he needs to do, and I'm going to start doing what I need to do for my own sanity.

Now I'm sure most all of this conversation was bad from the outset, but in a wierd way, it made me feel a little better, that I stood up for myself, and I told him my opinion, and how I need to change me.

Thoughts.... ? ? ?

Evian · Veteran Member

I honestly would have done and said the same thing. But then, I'm in the same boat as you, and unsure on what to do. I want to confront him, call him out on his lies and all, but... I know he will just deny it, and it will all go in one ear and out the other.

I am glad to see that you did stand up for yourself and confronted him.

youghlake · Member

What I want to do is beat him upside the head and knock some sense into him. Since I can't do that I have to figure out this whole take care of me thing.

Evian · Veteran Member

Ditto! I have no idea where to start, I'm guessing that you don't either

youghlake · Member

None.
None at all.

Evian · Veteran Member

Crossing my fingers that we both figure it out. We deserve to be happy.

youghlake · Member

yes we do. maybe we can get through this journey together. it sure seems like this group is filled with wonderful loving thoughtful people that can guide us.

Evian · Veteran Member

It sure does :)

failte · Senior Member

Hi yough, sometimes, some things, just need to be said, I do believe that we need to stand up and speak up for ourselfs, you needed him to see and hear you, and where better than in a neutral place where he couldnt run off or hide.

I remember an incident with my husband, a wedding, that he got drunk at, wont go into details, anyway it was the begining of the end type of thing for me, it happened about five years ago, anyway, it was like I had one of those moments where the ligth comes on, I suddenly saw things for what they were, that he would Never stop, that it was always going to be like this, that he couldnt or didnt want to stop, that if i stayed with him I would have to accept that my life would always be like that, so I begged him to be honest with me, I said if he ever felt anything for me to just tell me the truth, to let me go, that I now accepted that he was going to drink, that I couldnt stop him, that I wasnt even going to try anymore, he said that he could stop, and that he would, that he felt awful for hurting me, and then he gave it up for a few weeks/months,

See, the thing is because he always stopped drinking for a few months I always believed we would go on, we would make it, I believed every

time he stopped that it would be the last time he ever drank, I always knew I couldnt live with him while he drank, and he kinda strung me along pretending he would stop but then he would start all over again, so

Fast forward to July of 2009 another incident, another be honest and tell me the truth, you wont stop, just admit it and I will leave because I cant live like that, have some respect for me, etc etc, so he stops again till January, of 2010, this time when he starts drinking I tell myself, I know the score, how it will end, what I will say, what he will say, so I dont ask or beg, I dont even comment, I go into automatic and I tell myself I am going to let this whole ugly thing play out in front of me, let it run its course, so okay it takes till April, but we have another episode, only he drinks more for this one, is more irresponsible, gets more drunk, and I get more detached and when it plays out over 3 nights, and it ends, I get up and walk out, Im done, dont want to hear one more word,

I didnt speak to him, contact him, have anything to do with him for the first few weeks, but we get back in touch because my son was still drinking and there were issues to be sorted, we only reconciled a few weeks back, but he is not living with me, dont know if I can go back, early days, I still have major trust issues with him, and am now terrified I will go back and he will drink again, though I know I wont put up with it, I dont know if I could take the pain of believing him just that once more, but time will tell if I do reconcile am really taking my time and want to work out stuff with him first, I have told him he needs to live apart from me and work out what he wants, does he want me, or does he want to drink because he cant have both, I want to give him that space, he hasnt gone to AA joined a program even bought a book, says he can do this on his own, mmmmm, lets see

failte

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