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Today started ok. I spent the night at my sister's house bacause I was babysitting my five month old nephew. I love him so much! But the day got harder and harder. I started to feel really nauseated and had a headache. Then I came home to find that the TV I had borrowed from my sister was out of my room. It wasn't that big of a deal. But it was still unexpected. Then I remembered that I had to see a play for a grade in my theater class. I had nobody to go with so I went alone since nobody in my family felt like going with me. I got there and I was literally the ONLY one there alone. Believe me. I checked. To make it worse, about 90% of them were their with their boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives. I have never felt so lonely. I thought back to the other plays I had seen with my ex A and I had a big pain in my stomach. I miss him so much and so wished he was there. It hasn't really gotten any easier the past few weeks. It still hurts and still sucks. I'm so lonely and want him in my life so badly. I won't act on my impulses to call or text him. I'm smarter than that. I just wish things were ok inside me instead of being all broken and on fire. Sorry I know this is a "pity me" post, but I just had to get it out. Thanks for reading.
Hi brooke, I feel your pain and confusion, I had a really bad relationship with a gambling addict, really, really loved him, and although I left him very quickly I was devastated, hated seeing other couples etc etc, when he got someone new it destroyed me, slowly, very slowly, I began to build a new life around myself, and then once I felt I could do it without him of course he got in touch!
We talked and decided to give it another go, and agreed I would move back in with him in a week, the sad thing is he didnt even have anywhere to live cos he had no money, so we were going to move in with his mother, I left him while he lived with her.
Anyway at first I couldnt wait for the day to come (it was a Sunday) I couldnt believe I had him back in my life, I was so excited, in the meantime I decided to continue on with the plans I had made with my good friends, the ones who had taken me in, fed me, and kept me going while i pined for him, my friends were into horse riding in a big way, and were very excited about a big event coming up so it took my mind off him as we were really busy all week preparing, eventually their enthuisasm rubbed off on me, and to my complete shock/surprise I found myself in their car on the Sunday going off to the event, totally forgetting all about him, we stopped to pick a friend up and it was only then I REALISED we were one street away from his house and when I looked at the clock I saw he would actually be waiting for me!
I thought about popping round to him for one second, then I remembered everything he did to me, the pain, the betrayal, how I couldnt live with his addiction, and I looked at my friends and my life and how far I had already come since leaving him and I decided there and then I couldnt go back and I didnt.
What struck me was that all that time I had THOUGHT I wanted him back in my life, but when it became reality I found I could and did live without him, I laughed to myself to think I had stood him up for a horse event, the very thing he gambled on!!!!!!!!!
I have no doubt if your ex came back tomorrow you would only remember the bad times and would make the same decision I did.
Ye it still hurt and in all it took me nearly 2 years to get over him, but when I began to see him with his new girl, I didnt blink an eye, cos I knew she was going through what I did, eventually I would see her with the black eyes, and friends would tell me how he would beat her and steal her money, they married and had 3 children and he didnt change,
I, on the other hand went on to meet my husband, and while he did/does have a drinking problem, we are very much in love, he has always financially supported me, has been a very good father and he doesnt abuse me.
things and life change, so do we, there is hope, you will find someone eventually that respects you and loves you properly, and the best thing will be that by then you will have done all this hard work on yourself, and respect yourself, therefore you will attract someone who respects you too, look on this time alone as a positive thing, time to find you, and to learn about you, one thing I regret greatly is (I am in my 50's) I never was single from the age of 15, so I never got to know who I was, I was always what someone else thought I was, if that makes sense, value this time alone, use it to better you!
failte
failte
-- Edited by failte on Saturday 11th of December 2010 05:20:53 AM
I've been there! But when you say "You missed him so much," I wonder if, like me, you were missing the possible him, or the him in the increasingly rare good times? If he had been at the play with you and been painfully drunk, or unreliable, or lying, or arguing and denying, or any of those things that my ex did -- you wouldn't miss that, I'm guessing? It's so easy to romanticize the relationship, especially when we see the other couples and think that it's all rosy in their lives. But remember that saying about "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides."
To me what that painful craving means is that I do want someone in my life, but someone who will be there for me and in the relationship, and I won't have to go to the theatre without wondering why he's taking so long in the men's room or going out for popcorn (supposedly) six times, or not even showing up to go in the first place. The only way I'll get what I'm hoping for is to break away from the person who can't give me those things.
Lots of people do go to plays with friends or groups of friends. I have a group of friends that does just that. It was funny but I didn't start to have time to get closer to these friends until I was able to disengage from my obsessive relationship. I think the future might hold that kind of thing for you -- ? Hang in there. If those relationships we regret were as trouble-free as we "remember," they wouldn't have blown up...
Brook. I personally think a "pity post" is OK. Especially if you realize that it is. People look for pity when they are hurting so to me it's legit. I've often been told to "identify, don't compare" when I've either minimized or exaggerated my own issues in relation to others. You miss him and you feel lonely.....both legit feelings. The other posters make good points here. Digest their words and see if you can identify with them, or not. I'm learning a hard lesson (hard for me to fully embrace that is). That if I can't be happy by myself, I wont' be with anyone else. I too have to go to functions alone and feel awkward at times although it's getting better. I decided that it's not a moral failing or anything else wrong with me if I don't have a "date" for every event. Others truly don't think anything of it, other than perhaps to notice it. I'd prefer romance, company, support and everything in my life but while I may not be AS happy, I can still be happy and not miserable.
It is very painful. And that stinks. It gets better slowly - and well that stinks too! I wanted something to take the pain away immediately! I knew it would be much easier just to jump back in and believe in the fantasy and pretend it was going to be happily ever after. To pull him back again with my own promises I couldn't seem to keep. Love, acceptance of who he was, and learning how to work through our issues. I just couldn't do it. Having someone who cheated on me treat me with such utter distrust was just not something I was going to learn how to do.
So, like you, I made the decision to stay away and no contact. It got better. Each day passed. I worked my program, tried to improve myself, and slowly the pain lessened.
We are here for you. We understand. One day at a time. Sometimes when the pain is bad enough, it is one minute at a time. But working the program for me made me happy. I got over it. And I came out the other side better and more whole than before I even met him. I have learned so much. I understand so much more about myself. I have only scratched the surface and there is a lot more denial to lose and honesty to gain - and changes to make - but I am proud of where I am and now the pain is gone and replaced by gratitude for leading me to recovery.
Please keep coming back.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Glad you are posting (((brookie))) wonderful support here.
I just want to add... that when you see other couples together... DO NOT ASSUME they are in happy, healthy relationships, even if that is what it appears. We don't know what is REAL.
I know in the course of a single day, my marriage could feel like rainbows and butterflies, but by evening... it could turn ugly and abusive. So don't make up stories in your head that everyone else is experiencing bliss except you, it's not true. Our dis-ease feeds us lies to destroy any chance for serenity. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 11th of December 2010 10:48:46 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi Brookie. I'm so sorry for what you are going through - I feel your pain. I have been 'there' over and over and am there right now.
I think you have received great encouragement in this post.... hopefully this serves to give you a bit of hope.
I also try not to assume that all the couples I see are happy...it makes it easier.
I went to a wedding a month ago and bawled my eyes out for the entire hour long ceremony, trying to hide it the entire time. I left feeling absolutely exhausted and emotionally and physically drained. I was so depressed. I know how hard it is to see others appear happy.
This will pass.
I like what Mattie said about you possibly missing what he could be like, but probably rarely was.
I was overwhelmed with sadness a while back out with a bunch of couple friends...wishing my AH was there, feeling lonely ect... but then I thought, wait a minute, if AH was here.... there is a 99% chance he would be drunk, cruel, embarrassing me... and I would wish he wasn't there! That, or he would be trying so hard not to drink he would be such a downer that I would also wish he wasn't there!
Oh honey I know. I promise soon things will begin to feel familiar as they are. It is horribly hard to suffer such a huge loss that brings many other ones!
We just have to get thru it. Good for you for going! I KNOW that feeling of being the odd one. Being a widow for 18 yrs. To now alone again. I am ok with it now though. It is familiar.
I know you are still healing but there is nothing wrong with a manfriend. Maybe take a class in something you are into. :Parks and rec sometimes have groups that go hiking or to the beach etc. I know singles go to that.
My friends are all married. So believe me I get it. I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me?
In all honestly with me, I don't go anywhere. Not like anyone is going to show up here at Eden!
A guy from school found me and is emailing me. I like a new friend. A neat place is Classmates.com. I think it is ten bucks to join. I have met so many of my old school mates. Which is nice as we sorta know them.
It has eased my lonliness and I hope his. He is single. Not that it matters, but a new growing friendship is nice.
You are healing. do you live alone? I can tell ya, FOR sure a good way to meet people is by having a dog you take for walks. People will talk to you. I met some really wonderful men in my life this way!
Plus it is a great companian, good way to get ya out walking. You could even offer to walk someone elses dog if you cannot have one. OR go volunteer at a shelter to walk dogs or hold other animals, you would meet people there.
IF I could I would go volunteer at this little thrift shop in town.
Hug you for me. YOu are sticking to your program!!! debilyn
It's ok to be on the pity pot once in a while, personally when i am on the pity pot i give myself a time limit. 15 min i sit and feel sorry for myself then I pick myself back on and get on with my day. In the beginning I was on the pity pot most of the day so don't be so hard on yourself. You know logically what you need to do or not do. But logic doesn't rule our hearts so let yourself feel the pain and the loneliness. I know it doesn't seem so but it will get better with time. I think it was very brave of you to go to that play on your own. I am not sure it is something I would be able to do, so give yourself a pat on the back for that. Knowing that you are a self sufficent young woman. Blessings
