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I can't go into details right now but I am terribly worried about my ah. We stayed at a hotel in town last night, he got very drunk. This morning he went out for coffee, came back drunk an hour later. I decided to come home, told him I was going and I'd be there when he decided to come. I talked to him on the phone this morning when I got home. He said he was coming home. That was 9 hours ago, no word since then. I am worried because he has had problems with depression. Started seeing the dr. for it and I thought things were getting better. He said some things yesterday and today that I just passed off to his being drunk. But now I think the depression was/is back. I'm worried and scared and don't know what to do except pray and wait for him to come home. Any esh and prayers would be most appreciated.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this painful situation. You know you did the next right thing, you were kind, you took care of you and Let Go and Let God. I have been in that place more times than I care to remember and it is hard.
Read your daily readers, drink water, try to listen to peaceful music, stay here on line, post read past posting and know that HP is in control.
You will be given all the Courage, Serenity and Wisdom that you need to work thru this difficult time in your life.
This too shall pass
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers
I'm so sorry to hear this. Not knowing what is going on can be one of the worst things. Do you have a meeting you can get to? I hope you can remember to breathe, stay centered, and take care of yourself. Sometimes when I was in those worst moments it helped me to say to myself, "My life is bigger than this." Because it seems as if the focus narrows down to this horrible worry that takes over everything, past and future. Hang in there, and come back and be with us on the board whenever you need to. Hugs to you.
Been there more times than I can count. I can only echo what others have said -- let go and let God, and try to distract yourself. There really is nothing you can do, but do know we are all there with you in spirit. You will get through this.
I know you are sad as you stated in an earlier post. Your growth in the program without access to meetings, only your literature and MIP has been nothing but amazing. You are a true testament to the Al-Anon program, I admire you for your strength.
HP is in control, fall back on your program, and hold it tight. With HP in charge and your friends at MIP sending prayers......you only need to concentrate on taking care of yourself, knowing that you are never alone.
pineapple, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. That feeling is awful but I'm sure he will be ok.
I know it's hard but trying to have something else to focus on like a book or a movie, or maybe go shopping or hang out with a friend, might be the distraction you need:)
Isnt it amazing how we worry, get anxious, project and the list goes on and they waltze in fine. I wonder if they stop for a single moment and wonder what we are thinking and ruining their night worrying about us, I think not.... This truly is insanity.
-- Edited by DreamXL on Thursday 9th of December 2010 10:56:08 PM
grateful that he is alive and safe. We'll work the rest out tomorrow. I only hope that this is his bottom and things will get better for him from now on. I know this IS my bottom, can't live this way anymore. Thank you HP for bringing him home. And thank you all MIP family for your concern and support.
(((((pineapple))))) although everyone around him is powerless over his drinking it would be a good idea if his Doc...knows he is drinking. A depressive drinking alcohol while depressed is a double wammy. Alcohol itself is a depressant and a very very good one. Prayers for you both.
Been there many times, got the T shirt, made the DVD bla bla bla............
Taken me 10 years to come to terms with the fact there is nothing you can do, they must want to help themselves and even then it's tough as hell. There is always hope and a lot of people kick the disease if they keep fighting.
Look after yourself or it will drag you down sweetie
Im sorry u are in so much pain right now. I know what that feels like - I worried for the A's in my family for literally 30 years. They resent us worrying, helping and attemtping to fix them. We resent them for not taking our "stellar advice".
You worried and were upset and he came home. Please practise not worrying- (well I could not just stop something, I had to replace the behavior with another) so when I got upset/worried for them or felt that sorrow, pity, poor them/poor me - sit quietly and connect to ur HP, hand over the worry, the sadness. We cannot cause a miracle to occur but HP can. When we work our own solid programs and change our focus from what they are or are not doing -and- put that attention and energy squarely onto us - things can then begin to change.
I was very resistent to the fact, that I had to change when I landed - I was so distraught and angry. The fact is, I was the one upset, so I wanted to change that, so I could for once, enJOY my own life.
I was told that the A loathes themselves, so when we say "helpful" things to them- bc we love them so much, well the A does not resepct us for loving them - they dont understand how anyone could love them (who are so unlovable to themselves)so this is a way they can justify doing what they do to us. It is a form of self sabotage. Well, this thought allowed me to see that - you cannot convince someone that they are lovable. It is a risk of faith, that we accpet from our HP, when we love us first. Forme, this meant boundaries and changing my own beahvior, so that I could be allowed to feel better - from the inside, bc I quit compromising myself and attempting to rescue someone that is resisting change. A's want the status quo.
I learend that by offering them space, dignity and time -- that it was a form of respect. Respect for me bc I quit chasing an endless pit and resepct for them, that the individual can address the issues in thier own life. We need to do the same.
The A runs from themselves thru substances, we run from ourselves by focusing on others. Focus on YOU and you stop feeding the disease.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you all for your replies. I do want to add something here-I am following my program, have gotten pretty good at detaching and taking care of myself. But I was so worried because Im sure his depression returned and feared he might do something to harm or even kill himself. Also, he is not in denial, knows he has a problem and wants help. He quit drinking for awhile and has been trying to quit again. Unfortunately where we live in Guatemala there is not much to be found in the way of support groups, AA, etc. When he returned last night he was drunk and crying and saying he wished he would just die, he doesn't deserve to live, etc. I know that A's are master manipulators, but I believe that he meant what he was saying. It's difficult for me to detach from that. I am going to take Jerrys excellent suggestion and contact ah's dr to let him know he is drinking. And I will suggest the AA meetings online. I know that I can't ¨save¨ him. I just want to let him know he has some options because in the state of mind he is in right now he won't search them out for himself. But maybe if he knows where he can turn for help he will take advantage of it. Thank you again to everyone for your concern and ESH.
The reality is that he IS an adult, and CAN find recovery, even where you guys are, geographically.... Like you, he can seek online support and meetings, etc.... There are AA discussion & support boards, just like ours.... Sometimes even 'geography' can be an excuse for not choosing recovery....
I agree that depression and alcoholism is a dangerous combination, but 99% of the time, the three C's still apply.....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
It's a tough disease, one that can lead to insanity, death, or recovery if he decides he wants to live. I hear that all the time in AA meetings, "I don't want to die."
I believe his depression is real, who wants to live like this? I just want to tell you, that it's okay to love an alcoholic. I didnt know that in the beginning. But, we are all God's children, even alcoholics.
The program has helped me to recognize my autonomy, I literally believed "the two shall become one" when we got married. But Al-anon helped me recognize that we are each on separate life journeys with our own HP. If he chooses to drink himself to death.... you are powerless, it's HIS JOURNEY back to his higher power....
That's what I had to start thinking when I couldn't stop my daughter from joining the army at the height of the Iraq war. It's not about me. It's her journey.
Keep your HP close (((pineapple))) Ask for more strength when you need it.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am sorry that you are in so much pain I know for a fact that A's are in pain, many self medicate for mental issues, others just medicate to forget the true root of the pain. I have the utmost compassion for any A ....they have such low self worth or self esteem that they don't feel worthy to live a normal happy life. I know looking in my sons eyes, i see incredible pain and I've no idea where it came from but somewhere along the line he gave up on himself and the hopes of a normal life and turned to drugs. We worry, cry, beg, negotiate etc and they go on thier merry way doing as they please. Then we are angry and fearful...where are they? Are they ok? what are they doing? etc I have gone so many nights with no sleep I've lost count. The one thing I would follow through with is telling his doctor who put him on anti depressants that he is drinking. That is a lethal combination. I wish you the best in your recovery Blessings
Thank you again for your replies. He remembers nothing about yesterday after going out for coffee around 8:30 in the a.m. , the rest of the day is blank to him. He is very depressed and it doesn't help that during the day he lost his phone, his keys, and some other personal items. He's feeling useless and like a loser and I don't blame him. I feel badly for him that he is suffering so. I will communicate with his dr. about his drinking. But I was absolutely serious when I said this was my bottom, I will not live like this anymore. I made a boundary and put it into place this morning. I told him that I will not go through this anymore. That if he wants to live here with me he cannot drink. Period. I mentioned that he can find help online if he chooses to. If he drinks again I will box his things, put them outside and change the locks. And go on with my life. And although I hope it doesn't come to it, I am prepared to do just that. I do love him. I know he wants to quit drinking. I think he can do it. But If he chooses to continue drinking I will not go down with him. I will continue to work my program with the help of my HP and all the folks here. Please remember me in your thoughts and prayers and thank you again for all the support.
May your God go with you while you find the inner strenght you need to see this through, this has happened to me recently in that 7 months ago I walked out of my family home and made the decision I would never again live with someone who drinks, be it my son or my husband.
Our lives had become sick and crazy, unmanageable, chaotic, and very entangled, I was so confused, for most of the time, I blamed myself, bad wife, bad mother etc etc, blamed them, hated them,loved them, begged and pleaded with them, got it all from them, I dont understand, their not harming anyone, could be worse, I am a control freak and on and on and on, till my head was reeling.
7 months ago I decided no matter who was to blame whose fault it was, it had to STOP, I couldnt take another moment, I had to end the craziness and sickness, it got worse before it got better and I was still very confused and torn during the last 7 months, but the ONLY thing I knew for certain was no matter how bad it got, how confusing, I was never again going to live with a drinker, full stop, period.
All the way through the seperation my husband and son said to me that I didnt know what I wanted, they said I seemed to change my mind often, but I kept repeating that although I might not know what I do want, I certainly knew what I DID NOT want, and that was simply, I did not want to ever again live the life I had just been through,
ye, it was hard, and it hurt, but its begining to pay off now, I have my family home to myself, I have peace and quiet, I am learing through here to look after me, and I am excited about knowing that never again will I live with a drinker and live with all that it brings.
I spent years dealing with the ex A's depression. I felt totally responsible for his moods and not responsible for my own life. He had some crisis, issue every single day. The problem was I wasn't permitted to have any!
When I left the ex A I was very worried about him. I don't doubt he was suicidal. I brought in all the troops, his uncle, the works. He carried on using. At one point he got into a recovery center, I think he lasted a week. Now its been almost 4 years and guess what whatever he is doing he's still here. For some alcoholics the miracle is everyday, how they drive, function, work, get home is in HP's hands day in day out. The ex A should have been dead years ago, he had not one but two life threatening illnesses. He drove like a maniac all the time, crashed cars/trucks a couple of times a year. I took that all on and more for years and years.
Then I started working the al anon program. I had to let go as I was getting physically ill from the stress. I started working the tools, focusing on me, stopped worrying myself sick. Did I slip all over the place you bet. The ex A could reel me in like a fish. The more I worked the tools the better I got. Like anything it all took a great deal of practice.
I stopped believing my worrying and obsessing would have any affect on his behaivor. Nothing but nothing I did changed his desire to drink and use.
I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm glad he's back home. I've been in that position many times, and I know the pain and fear and how the minutes just crawl by as you sit and wait and wait and wait. I pray for his recovery and hope that he will seek treatment, and I pray for your peace of mind in all this too (((Hugs)))
