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Just love the law....it's a waste of time and completely pointless. Wasted half my day trying to buy some time to protect my kids mental well being from the sick A......judge tells me to file something to modify/limit parenting time......That's not the point!!!! His parenting time is already limited!!! The point is, he is SICK!! This A needs rehab and sobriety before he shuold be allowed to be around and speak to his kids, they want nothing to do with him after what he put them through, and while my 16 year old has that right, the other two do not, so I have to speak on their behalf.
I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking I'm nuts and not taking alcoholism seriously. This is not a person who drinks a 12 pack a night, this is beyond that....when you have someone who has been in the hospital near death 2-3 times a year every year for 16 years, and then in the hospital 4 times last month.....that's a fit person to be taking children somewhere?? It'd be one thing if he was within a couple miles of me, he's 50 miles away!! I feel all is hopeless and that I should just say "Here you go! Warp my kids....make them into messed up adults!!!" Now what!?!?
i had issues with getting a protection order too (mine was the ex A made it impossible to serve him). I know this might not be a consolation but every bit of action on your part helps. The fact you filed shows you are protective parent trying to care for your children.
When I later had issues with the ex A harassing me the fact I had filed for a protection order was in my favor he could not carry on his same song and dance.
sorry that the law seems to protect the guilty, I learned that in the 70's when my xhusband(not the alcoholic) abducted my daughter from school . They wouldnt even take a missing persons report and it was not a felony, it was accepted that a parent could snatch their child.
Thank goodness the laws have changed and it is a felony, but there are still thousands of parental abductions every year. I was made to feel like the criminal and thrown out of more DA's offices. It was many years of anguish as he just dissapeared. Today we are reunited, but it was tough.
Seems like the law is reactive instead of active, not unless your husband has threatened you, which it doesnt seem like he has.
Maybe would be a good idea to file for that modification of time allowed. Good things alcoholics have short term memories and maybe the police scared him off for awhile.
I dont think it will warp your children if you explain that there Dad has a disease and is sick. They will follow your example and how you handle the situation.
Thats why its important to take the focus off your A and bring it back to your program. Whats the difference if its a 12 pck, or more. Drunk is drunk. Many of us have faced and are still facing the effects of the disease. I really think its important that you work the first step, this is the most important and difficult step to get and accept.
Take the eyes off of the A, there is nothing you can do about him, but you can do for you. You have to practice on your serenity for your sake and the sake of your kids.
Really sorry it didn't go your way It does sometimes take more than your word on something for a protection order to be issued or any hospitalizations. I thought with the police being there yesterday that would have held some water for the judge. I know in my sisters case she was unable to get a protection order until her husband actually laid his hands on her and she took pictures of the brusies on her arm. He didn;t hit her but grabbed her arms tightly and threw her out of her own home. That was the only reason the judge would approve the protection order. Please keep documentaion on all that your husband does, If he calls record it ( some states both parties must be aware conversation is being recorded so check on the law in your state) if he writes anything keep it...it all may add up in the end to a protection order going thru I am really sorry Blessings
I`am so sorry Shanda that it didn`t go as you would have liked. I can relate. Even if it seems like are stories are different. They feel similar to me, in that we both are counting on "they system" to help us and for them to see the "truth" but for some reason it has failed us both. When I have posted about my disappointments, others have suggested that I document everything as well. I just keep thinking, maybe our higher power doesnt want it to go the way we want for some reason. As much as we want it to, maybe, just ,maybe its not the right time. Sometimes, its not so easy to feel this way but I have to have some kind of faith that its happening like this for a reason or else I would be a crazy person. I look at last year at this time my grandaughter was suffering horribly watching my daughter and I argue and doing terribly in school. It wasn`t until I started going to meetings this past summer and now she is doing well in school. I still wish she had better care but for now I have to have faith this is where she is suppose to be. I care for her a good 4-5 nights a week. So I must be doing something better these days. Not perfect but better. I will be keeping you and your children in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.
Stay strong Shandra, sometimes when we are down we get kicked in the teeth, if he is as sick as you say, it wont be long till he is off on another binge, sounds to me like he wouldnt/couldnt fight you if you did take out legal proceedings as he cant seem to see things through so he will probably just pick up another drink and your kids and you (sadly) will be forgotten for another day, and that even if you did have court orders/restraining orders he wouldnt be a nuisance in that he is way too wrapped up in his drinking to be of any real bother, hope i am not wrong here and that I am reading how you describe him right, if I am, apoligies up front
Yikes = now what ? well you watch and if he is drunk the kids dont get to stay with him , if he causes a stink you call the police again and take your kids home where they are safe . Am sorry things went so badly for you today but chin up dont give up ,he will shoot himslef in the foot sooner or later . Louise
I'm sorry to hear about your tough time get your 'justice served'. Last week I considered getting a protection order but things calmed down enough to 'try to work things out' here at home for now. I'm sure things will work out, I think what goes around aways does come back around and the judge/ courts/ and law won't always be in his favor- especailly if he keeps on the way he has...
In Texas, you have to have some kind of proof of bad stuff to get a protective order. Although sometimes it sucks and leads to bad outcomes, the reason is that so that a vindictive ex or soon to be ex can't go into court, tell a bunch of stuff that isn't true, and walk away with a protective order that prevents the other parent from seeing the kids based upon something that is a lie and can't be proven. Unfortunately, divorce and child custody issues sometimes bring out the worst in people and people use their kids as weapons to hurt the other person. The burden of proof for protective orders is set high to prevent that from happening.
That said, I know that isn't what happened in your case, and I'm sorry for the troubling outcome. Like another poster said, I would've thought that the police coming out would be good proof.
What now? Document, document, document. If you need to call them police again, call them. If you need to prevent your kids from spending the night with him or riding in a car with him, do it. You can always ask for a protective order again if you need to.
sdisnie, I'm sorry things didn't go the way you hoped. You tried and that's what counts, it probably looks good that you took some action, that things were documented, I would imagine anyway...
Do you have any type of custody agreement? Or, visitation rules?
A woman I work who is divorced now from her ex abusive husband has some kind of visitation agreement to protect both her and her kid. The ex gets to see the kid every second weekend and there is this process in place where she goes to a neutral location where there is this program for 'handing off' kids. So, she drops off her kid, then the workers take the kid to the EX who has to come in from a different door and sit in a far away room... This is so the wife never has to see her husband.
Then, when she goes to pick up her kid, again, the workers bring her her kid so there is no way her and the ex can ever see each other, then they make the husband stay for 15 minutes afterward to make sure he can't follow her or anything.
Not sure if this is relevant or helpful to you in your situation as I know some of your kids are older and or do not what to see your ex but thought I would share, just in case.
Where I live a protection order is only granted if there has already been violence, not threats or unacceptable behavior around the children.
"Parenting Time" also cannot be limited regardless of the state of the parent. The courts where I live will not limit custody either.
I spent hours of time building a case. Even with all of the things I was able to prove in court it was a tough battle.
One thing I did was obtain a copy of the police reports and that was something. Saying that you called the police is not enough, as anyone can do that to "give the impression" that someone is out of control even when they are not, in an effort to make them look bad.
I was diligent in my fight, recorded everything. I would only talk through email so I had a record and I also kept on file the amount of times he called and the messages.
The courts are based upon what you can prove, not what is. I kept that in mind and things with the courts were easier for me.
I have plenty of documented proof, that's the thing. The police that were here, one of the them was the same one that removed the A from my home two weeks ago! They were going to try to take him to detox at that time, but he couldn't even stand, let alone know what was going on, so they took him to the ER. He was in the ER 5 times just in November, three times before his four day ICU stint and then twice after. I have a printed sheet from the ICU doc stating he will die if he continues drinking (but duh, we all know that) Also in the month of November are 4 police reports of being picked up, 2 are not from me. Reading this almost makes you want to feel sorry for him....but it is a choice to some extent.
Even so, this all isn't recent events, he ends up in the hospital every single year several times a year, then he'll seem to be ok for awhile, or he'll sober up for awhile, I guess I'm just basically trying to protect my kids from going through what I hid from them all these years, when he's somewhere else and I don't know if he's drinking or not, hard to protect them, the don't know what to look for or the little signs....vodka is very hard to detect! Besides that, why should kids be responsible in knowing whether their parent is ok? So basically we just play russion roulette with our children.....very cool! We'll just keep our fingers crossed they don't drive drunk with them (after they are in their care)
I wish people would get educated on addiction, take it seriously and when it's so bad, sobriety should be the requirement to see their kids!! How hard could that be, really? Geez!
One thing my lawyer helped me to realize is that my emotions do not dictate the judges decision. I was pretty much frantic and really wanted to strangle my lawyer, but he was right. I told him about the police reports and he said "get a copy" or you have nothing.
It takes some time, at least a couple of weeks to get copies of police reports so in that time I got whatever else I could.
I hear what you are saying and I do remember being in the horrible position you are. I was a newcomer to the Al-anon program when this started for me and if I had a strong program then things would have been much easier.
I had proof and lots of it. The problem was that proof was in my own head and the judge wants to see that on paper.
In my area, I could not take our son to supervised visitation as there was no violence involved. Well, not free supervised visitation. I then took my son and I to a ten week abuse course at the same place the supervised visitation was held. The facilitators of the course were able to make a recommendation that supervision be in place based upon what our son said in his sessions.
Have you thought about supervised visitation? That would be modifying parenting time as the judge has stated. The children get to see their dad and vice versa. He cannot be visibly drunk or high and if he doesn't show a few times that is also documented so you can go and obtain parental rights at a later time.
Well, my kids are older, remember I have a 20,16, almost 13 year old, they want nothing to do with him at this time, so its really not them i'm worried about as much, its my 9 year old, but at this point, i'll just wait to see what happens.
I just hate the feeling of looking out my window all the time, and feeling stalked and violated. I also feel that way because someone else who I want nothing to do with left something on my front porch. I was NOT happy about that at all. That really invaded my personal space, and once again I felt violated and stalked....so talk about looking over your shoulder constantly!!! Ugh!!! When I move, I'm not telling anyone where I'm going! To many freaks out there!
-- Edited by sdisnie on Friday 10th of December 2010 05:51:28 PM
