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Detachment questions come up many times in my f2f meetings and also on this board. I remember when I first entered the rooms of Al-Anon I knew the definition of detachment, but I didn't have a clue how to detach from the alcoholic in my life. Over time and with much practice detachment has become a very important tool in my program and recovery. I stated in an earlier reply today, everyone detaches in different ways, at different times, and for different reasons.
We all learn from others Experience, Strength, & Hope. So I would like to start a topic by asking you to share your thoughts on..............
Well... Great topic!! I'm looking forward to other replies.
I struggle with this daily and think about it, what I should do, how I can re-direct my focus onto myself, all the time.
I always try to tell myself...AH isn't doing this cause he hates me, or he's mean ect... he's sick, so don't take it personally.
Then, I try to think about...what can I do right now to make me happy...read, watch tv, talk to a friend, whatever, then I go and do that.
When AH is drunk or pestering me...I try to keep up my boundaries, not let it bother me (this of course does not always work), I try to focus on myself (Literally I have conversations with my self in my head and tell myself what I SHOULD do), and I try and just detach...not get pulled into AH's problem, but go focus on me or do something I want to do and not let HIS issues, drinking, lying, ect.. bring me down.
I try to go out more often too...with friends, out with my daughter, or just go over to my parents house.
I try. I fail. Then I try some more. Then I come here and vent and seek encouragement and hope:)
ah my fav topic detachment , like everything else in my life I have to find balance I have been known to detach too much . When husb was ranting and raving when drinking I learned to take a bottle of what he was drinking and put it in my mind right in the middle of his forhead it reminded me of what I was talking to , alcohol not the man . works like a charm , I also used the two lines I am sorry you feel that way and walk away. or YOU could be right and walk away , leaving the room is the secret for me the discussion is over . I could do that safely in my home as physical abuse was never an issue . MY least fav reply when he was busy taking my inventory was Thanks for pointing that out I will look at that ! that one hurt hehe. Detachment was summed up for me when I heard a speaker say Loving detachment to her was if her husb passed out on the lawn leave him there , but turn off the automatic sprinkler .. made perfect sence to me . Our detachment pamphlet was perfect for me it had several suggestions on how to do just that , I picked one and worked on it til it felt comfortable then moved on to the next one . that little pamphlet kept me busy for months . Louise
Good question... for me, detachment (with love) has taken 2+ years and is a work in progress. i understood detachment with hate (I don't give a rats ass what happens as long as you are out of my life) which was just a form of self-protection and was never true anyways. Now, I take more of an approach of "I love him. His choices aren't consistent with what I want and need in my life. I allow him the dignity of experiencing the consequences of his actions, even if that hurts me." Of course, it's not always that seamless.
I did not experience the feeling of emotional detachment from my family -ever in my life, until I established and followed through on my first boundary... leaving when the verbal abuse started. When I did that and left their home - kinkdly say8ing to my mother... it is time for me to now (with a big smile and peace) bc I was taking care of myself and not allowing me to stay in and take the ugliness (criticisms, name calling from the drunk AH) and accept the intolerable. No more compromising me, to "make" others feel superior.
I had to practise very hard at being kind & gentle and loving & compassionate awareness - towards me, not others first - and by prioritizing me - I did not have to feel bad anymore bc I knew logically I was doing the healthiest thing for me, taking care of me is self preservation.
So, I am saying detachment is not a one line trip for me - if I want to focus on detaching with loving kindness - I need to focus on what limits I am willing to set and carry out the consequences of -for me- no one else. Detachment is a by-product of other beahviors.
I am also reminded to leave the feelings with the other person. When I detach and follow my boundary, I can let them have their feelings (I do not have to jump on their emotional train/trip - I can express compassion and not take on and own their feeling. I like to say (as abby suggests) 'ok, I will consider that, ty" and then remove myself. This gives not only me some space but it also gives them space, dignity and respect - that they can solve their own problems/issues and I can then get back to work on what I can do for mine.
I had to give me the compassion first - for once and for all and change the priority in my life. See, I had my parent's expectations of me, over my own ~ I had to grow up and define what it is that I needed and want. To me it is all about respect - something I never realized I never had before! lol It starts with me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
for me at the moment and because i am literally brand new on here, detachment has been removing myself from the drinker, my husband and son by moving out, then having been on here and learning about detachment a little bit, I think I am detaching by not getting embroiled in the day to day stuff, like, how many drinks has my son had, will he go to work, how much money is he spending on alcohol, feeling really scared when hes had a heavy night, worrying about his health, so although its not the kind of detachment others might have been experiencing or working on, for me and for now while i am learning and practising I am still detaching myself from old habits and anxieties and turned it all over to my HP and this has freed me and helped me to feel "detached" from all that old rubbish and sickness in my head
failte
-- Edited by failte on Wednesday 8th of December 2010 08:48:31 AM
The way I try to detach is to remind myself that it is not my responsibility to solve someone else's problem. I literally ask myself, is this my issue? Is there something I have done to cause this? Is there really anything I can do to fix/change the situation?
My biggest challenge is to just listen when someone is telling me of their issue. Listen and not become emotionally reactive and mentally challenged to solve their issue. Detachment is successful for me when I give them a couple of ears to listen to them, acknowledge that I understand, and then stop my natural inclination to offer up, most times unbidden, my idea of a solution! Sooo hard sometimes!
Great subject!!! I have been in al anon for many years and detachment has been a powerful tool that has evolved for me thru the years as I learned to focus more on myself and let everyone else take care of them selves.
In working the steps I discovered that I mistakenly thought that being kind and compassionate meant that I should feel everyone else's feelings . I did just that and therefore needed to fix them so I could feel better..
Al anon explained that having compassion and empathy did not mean suffering because of someone else but suffering with them !!! A huge difference !!!
Al anon gave me slogans, sponsor, meetings and steps. Using these, I learned how to detach with love . I know who I am, where I end and another begins. By focusing on myself I know what I am responsible for and how to take care of ME. When I do that I can have compassion and empathy for them without fixing them That was a huge gift!!! I learned what was my side of the street and then used al anon tools to keep my thoughts words and actions constructive and what I thought was the next right move for me.
Working with sponsees really sealed the deal. I could hear their issues, identify, know exactly where they were and could hear them without trying to change them I could offer an al anon tool or step for them to consider and know that this was a process and they would work thru it
I now practice these principles in all my affairs .What a true gift this program is.
Wow just reading these is making me realize how much more I need to detach. I used to try to offer people solutions. Now I say "in my experience, this is what I did in that situation" But I have also learned to not expect anyone to do anything I say. Detaching means giving that person the dignity of being themselves. For the A in my life, it means not trying to mother, smother or otherwise control him with questions, manipulations etc. I don't try to force a solution with "ideas" for him to do. I am allowing him to be him. That was my biggest thing. Detaching means that I have to allow other humans to be who they are, without worrying over them, or trying to change them or enable them. I remember how I feel when people try to do that stuff to me, how angry and resentful I get. And how resentful I feel when someone doesn't do what I expect them to do... So I am learning to detach with love. I keep my focus on me, which is a daily, minute by minute practice. When my mind wanders to HIM or other people and their affairs, I remember and come back to me. I ask HP for help. I talk to my sponsor... it works if you work it.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
For me, detachment is most often about minding my own business. A lot of my sickness was doing these things - I'd go looking for trouble and then feel self-righteous, indignant, and hurt if/when I found something incriminating. The things I went snooping to find are not my business - I had to detach from trying to make them so. I have to make a conscious effort to stop snooping, stop checking up, and stop asking questions I already know the answer to. I find that the more I'm able to do these things, the more it becomes second nature to just leave his stuff alone. (Conversely, the more I snoop, the more I want to snoop). I consider this detachment loving because I have developed respect for his personal belongings, recognize that they are not mine to go through, and trust that if there is something I should be aware of, my HP will reveal it to me in my HP's perfect time. Detachment keeps me from creating drama.
I also try to not act impulsively, and stop and do a motive check. For example, my mom had a weird health thing come up yesterday and my instinct was to go home and research whether said health thing could be related to alcoholism - and then call her and tell her. Luckily I talked to my sponsor and did a motive check. My honest motive would have been to get her to stop drinking. So I detached from the health problem by not doing research to speculate what could have been the problem. I am not a doctor, and she did not ask me for my opinion. I assume for now that if she is concerned, she can seek appropriate medical evaluation.
I do also use detachment when faced with someone else's bad behavior. If someone is trying to engage me in an argument, I stop and think - how important is it? I also remind myself that I have as much choice as the other person about whether I want to argue - and if I don't, I dont have to. I have the option to say that I don't want to talk about something right then and politely leave the conversation.
As I shared in my earlier post about how my head was trying to find reasons to get anxious...
The real thing that has helped me to detach from all the happenings going on in my life currently is just simple acceptance that I have no power over any of the circumstances. No power over other people's relationships. No power over an individual's health predicament. No power to make someone happy when they choose to take on the victim role. No power over other happenings.
When I can calmly accept powerlessness... I then turn to having faith... trusting that God has some interesting plans, but no matter what, only wants me to be happy, so will take good care of me through it all.
That's how detachment is currently working for me.
I thought of another way I detach... at work. I can get way too involved with some of the drama there and I can lose my serenity in an instant if I don't detach. Someone suggested to me once, that before I walk in, to wrap myself in "spiritual bubble wrap" first. To pray, remembering that my HP is coming with me, and I am divinely protected when I detach from others and attach myself to HP instead.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I didn't learn to detach from my son for the longest time. It just seemed an impossible task from me. Went against everything I thought a mother should do. I tried several ways that I won't bore you with that did not work out. Just frustrated me and my son. It wasn't until I first learned to have compassion for him and his disease. I 've had many a's in my life and never an ounce of compassion. But I looked into my sons eyes one night and saw the most incredible pain I've ever witnessned, compassion took me to the point of not taking his addiction personally. In my mind his addiction was something he was doing "too me" and it had nothing to do with me at all. I didn't even figure into the equation. When i got the compassion and the not taking it personally down pat i finally learned to detach. To separate my beautiful child from his horrid disease. So for me it took a series of events to get and practice detahment with love Blessings
Hi. I have posted this before but for those new to this board here is how I have practised detachment. In no way am I saying it is right or wrong - it is just what has worked for me.
I have been married to my AH for nerly 39 years. Always a fairly heavy drinker, he has been alcohol dependant for approx 6 years. Life with him has been very difficult. He has had numerous hospital admissions with seizures, chronic sickness and diaorrhea, gastritis, vomiting blood, etc, all due to his chronic alcoholism. Maybe I should have left him a long time ago but for all sorts of reasons, emotianal, financial, a learning disabled dependant son just being some of them. So I am still with him but how do I cope? Apart from every now and then coming and venting in here (and finding amazing support) I find the following helps me survive:
* I have my own bedroom - I haven't slept with AH for about 3 years now. My bedroom is my own space, my bolt-hole which he is not allowed to invade.
* I am blessed with lovely friends with whom I meet regularly for a coffee, a meal, a theatre trip or just a chat. I have a giggle, a laugh and forget my problem AH for a while. When we don't meet we text and e-mail each other, just letting each other know we are here. When things are very bad I know I can ring them up for support.
* Family - some of my family choose not to understand but I focus on on those who do - like my kid brother, sister-in-law and niece who have said - "T... - whenever you need us just call. We will come and get you if necessary"
* Having covered for AH for a long, long time, I finally "came out" to friends, family and colleagues and admitted what the real problem was. I was amazed at the support - no condemnation just lots of people saying "Oh, my Uncle/Brother/Sister/Mother/Partner, etc is an alcoholic"
* I took control of the finances. I cut up AH's cards, had my salary paid into my account rather than the joint account, transferred standing orders to my account and (ashamedly for the 1st time), got with on-line banking so I could check what was going on with mine and the joint bank accounts.
* I have lowered my expectations of how I thought my retirement years would be (rosy vision of us growing old together and travelling the world, etc)
*Last but certainly not least, I found this board and a host of truly amazing cyber friends who are always here to lend a sympathetic/empathetic ear and provide awesome support. I can come in here and vent and feel perfectly safe and among friends.
Thank you - one and all.
Tish xxx
-- Edited by Tattyhead on Wednesday 8th of December 2010 06:04:49 PM
Not wishing them ill will and being able to move on with my day while not allowing it to steal my peace of mindis my best example of detaching.
An old timer once asked me, what I wanted out of life...my reply was something to the affect of peace, love, safety, health, well being, food, home, respect with a few others more or less...their suggestion was then give that list over in prayer for both you and the person you were hoping to detach from.
Wow, it was suggested I continue the process of giving that list over for the both of us night after night until my inner peace began to return without holding feelings of anger and resentment for the other.
Loving detachment is never easy, it takes practice, persistence and patience. I can always detach from my A with indifference - just remove myself and pretend not to care - the removing myself physically may reduce my angst temporarily but I cannot just stop caring.
I find loving detachment is a work in progress, for me it helps to see the person and the disease as two separate entities and to learn to depersonalise - it is the disease talking and making the hurtful comments - doing all the irrational stuff - it is not mine to carry that burden - I can only focus on my needs and feelings knowing that this too will pass.
Does anyone else find that you also detach from the 'group' of people that enable your A?
This past week is when I realized I needed to detach from my A. and I also included the whole group of people that go out & encourage this behavior. Is this normal? they're not necessarily an A like him, but they go out with him & egg him on if you will. ( I think some are maybe going to be an A, or are one already it just hasn't come to light).
Also I agree with Tish, I don't do cover-ups anymore, I tell it like it is 'oh ya he got drunk and lost his keys, thats why he had to pay $$ to get new keys made for car'
-- Edited by freewilltoday on Monday 13th of December 2010 07:19:58 PM
yes I used to detach from my husb family as his mother was an A, but siblings and father very heavy drinkers, so they all shared the same myths, traits, of an A, and feel very threatened around someone who doesnt drink at all, they dont like being in the company of someone who is not obsessed by alcohol, and that has no interest in it, for example I might have wanted to talk about a topic on the news, or a local event,while their whole conversation revolved around where to buy cheap alcohol, or what bar did a nice drink etc etc, I often felt I was an imposter and in the way, and so I limited my time around them as i simply was bored being with them and couldnt buy into their lingo or interests.
When I came to Al-Anon like most newcomers the art of detaching was Greek to me. I listened to the old timers in my groups. Little by little I realized that detachment was not always leaving the room or taking my Labs for a long walk. Detaching with love would come later, much later.
For me detachment has become a combination of "Not Reacting" and "How Important Is It". Detachment many times is keeping my mouth shut when in the past I felt I needed to open my mouth and defend myself. It's like a boundary, a way to protect myself and my serenity.
Everyone has to detach in ways that are best for them. It's like the program, it takes practice. What works for you. I made a conscious choice a couple of years ago that I would not "stay" in a conversation with my AW if she had to much to drink. Over the years nothing was ever accomplished in these conversations. I just don't do it anymore. Why should I? Why should anyone? Done in the right way, at the right time, it's one way of taking care of myself first. We are told by the program we should always do that.
Everyone detaches in different ways. I'm a work in progress. My detachment skills are the same. Progress not perfection. I can say that I don't leave the room as much as I did before. I do still take my Labs for walks, but not for the same reasons as before. Most important I've learned how to detach with love.......most of the time.
When husb was ranting and raving when drinking I learned to take a bottle of what he was drinking and put it in my mind right in the middle of his forhead it reminded me of what I was talking to , alcohol not the man . works like a charm , I also used the two lines I am sorry you feel that way and walk away. or YOU could be right and walk away , leaving the room is the secret for me the discussion is over . I could do that safely in my home as physical abuse was never an issue . MY least fav reply when he was busy taking my inventory was Thanks for pointing that out I will look at that ! that one hurt hehe. Detachment was summed up for me when I heard a speaker say Loving detachment to her was if her husb passed out on the lawn leave him there , but turn off the automatic sprinkler .. made perfect sence to me .
