The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to you, I have been following the board for a few weeks. I have a AH who is on his fourth month of sobriety. This is our third round of being sober. We have been together for 14 years. He was sober for a 7 year stretch, began drinking again three years ago, was sober from May to the end of August this year, had a slip in August and entered an outpatient treatment program for five weeks, and has currently been sober since August 28.
My current situation is this- I am in and out of counseling, have attended some Al Anon meetings and have been working on codepenecy issues. I currently know I love my AH, he is a good father, he is working on himself, and he is trying to makes amends with me. Yet, I am having a difficult time feeling "in love" with the man. I hope this makes sense. In the past all I had to do was look at him and get that feeling of instant emotion. After events that have happened this year within our relationship (he had a one month affair while working our of town, I have been classic codependent) and related to drinking I am having a hard time feeling the connection.
I do feel like I have forgiven him for the affair. At least I would like to think I have. But, sometimes reminders pop out of nowhere and I have to work hard to detach my feelings and sort my anger from my hurt etc. I have set boundaries with him that I intend to live with if he chooses to drink again and also if he chooses to have extra-marital relationships. I am very satisfied with these boundaries and am relieved I have set them. At the same time, currently, I have great difficulty in seeing our love grow out of this.
Ugh, of course, I remind myself that I have personally grown tremendously in the past 6 months and anything is possible. In the mean time it is not easy to be patient and live with these feelings of ambiguity.
Thank you to those of you who stuck with my ramble...
Lilac my A and I are also on our third attempt at sobriety. I can identify with your feelings of not feeling in love as I have felt that in the past based upon some very traumatic events.
I have also not been sure how our love could grow after such events. I feel like I have forgiven, but when I see a red flag it brings me back to that time and I have to work hard to remember this is here and now. I have to look not at the similarities of life today in comparison but to the differences and focus on that.
My program makes even the worst days better and the good days great, if I am working it. If not, my days aren't so good, no matter what the A in my life does. For me, love is a byproduct of my own attitudes and perspectives.
Hi I know what you mean, I used to be crazy in love with my husband, besotted, and he with me, but then to my surprise and shock, (I never thought it would happen, I was so in love with him) I stopped loving him, after the last big binge that caused me to walk out, to be honest I coulnt even look at him, or touch him, I felt sick, betrayed and very hurt by his betrayals.
my counsellor has told me that its not unusual to feel like this once we have been hurt and let down, that its hard to trust or love someone who has let us down so much, although my husband and i are trying for a reconcilation, I now find i am not as besotted with him or in love with him as I was, as if I am 'detached' from him in some way, I have forgiven him, and only time will tell if we ever get back to where we used to be,
Sounds like you are doing well. My AH is on his 4th round (we have been married 33 years) and it is hard to get back that "magic."
I think the hardest part for me is the uncertainty. I know that it can not be an issue because I could fall over from a heart attack tomorrow and he would be in the same boat.
When I start thinking like that what if game, I know it is time to get back to my self help books. They really seem to help me out of my "funks."
My AH has done some pretty UNforgettable things when he was drinking but I have accepted them for what they are (he was insane with his alcoholism). It's hard to carry resentments when they are sick and don't even remember what they supposedly did during those times.
Keep working the program, it sure helps me to live my life to the best of my ability. Peace to you.
The one thing you said in your post totally caught my eye you said.... "This is OUR third time of being sober" Are you an A? Didn't sound like it This is his disease not yours....we have our own issues, "isims" and behaviors that we need to work on. And sheesh girl I've said this a million times if I had a nickel for everytime I slipped I'd be a rich woman. The best experience/suggestions you have already gotten here Get your focus off your husband and leave him to his recovery while you work yours. If this is your husbands 3rd go around he knows exactly what he needs to do and when he is ready he will return to his place of recovery. Time for you to put the focus on you and work your recovery so no matter what your husband is doing You are worthy of peace and happieness so give it to yourself Blessings
Xeno- You are right on when you caught me referring to alcoholism as "our" disease. I noticed this myself after I posted. I have to constantly remind myself that this is not my disease and that my AH needs to work his recovery. I have spent my whole life (my father was/is very abusive) thinking other people's problems are my own. I am working at detaching from this. I do deserve peace and I am a good person. Yet, I often catch myself reverting back to my old ways of thinking. I am glad to be able to share with this message board. It is so very helpful. I have learned so much by reading what others have to share. I daily remind myself of the three "C's"
