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Well, it looks like Friday may be the day I actually get divorced. Its been 3 years, and a source of frustration, anxiety and major procrastination for me. We cannot wait anymore, and the legality of it all will hopeful protect me from some possible ghastly consequences. We are going to sit with our attorneys and hash it out til we can sign. We took the collaborative approach, so no judge or court. The attorneys are very much working together for us. Much of the hold-up has been emotional for me. For the longest time, I just didn't know how I could sign. I thought it would be as if the knife I felt in my heart would be pushed and twisted further. Anticipating unbearable pain, I couldn't put myself in the situation to get more. But now, after all this time, after some al-anon, counseling, prayer and time, I am healing and I think I am ready. I need to be separated, I need to be free. Perhaps it will feel as if the knife is pulled out. That is what I am hoping for.
The suggestion in al-anon about waiting 6 months or more to make major decisions... well, I get that now. The tools of al-anon have helped immensely. I am not so emotionally charged. I am not so scared. I have learned not to be so reactive. I work hard at trying not to project. I have come to accept there are no guarantees. I've come to realize the power of me, that I can take care of myself, and that my HP (God) makes miracles happen if I am willing to do the work. Funny how having a "partner" made me feel secure, but really there was no security there at all. While the concept of being solely financially responsible is scary to me, I realize my fears are not unlike so many people today, regardless of the situation, and I've really been alone all along. This time has allowed me to realize that I was unhappy in my marriage, I just didn't know it. My exA has been sober and working an intense program for 3 years now. He is showing some mental clarity that may make the process a bit easier now. I think he is ready now too. The resentments, anger, and absolute fear have seemed to have faded some for both of us. Not to say that I still don't have a lot to work through, I do, but its not so raw.
So, Dec. 10, hopefully my divorce date, is also National Pastry Day. That makes me smile through the tears. Seems kind of appropriate to share the day with donuts.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Your post reminds me of myself and how I felt forced into divorcing my exHA. Ghastly consequences- yes, I know what you mean. It took me a long time to execute the divorce, but it seemed to be my path.
You are blessed that resentments, anger, etc have lessened for you both. I find it inspiring how you're working the program.
((Lou)) I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, I know it's not easy! You are so strong and have helped so many of us with your wisdom and stories.
Your post is really helpful.. I am currently in the "6 month freeze" where i know I don't have to make any decisions about my relationship. I am still not sure what I will decide to do, but I certainly can relate with what you have written about how your partner made you feel secrure but there was no security there at all. I am just beginning to learn that about myself. Thanks for sharing and enjoy that donut! You know you earned it and deserve it!
I too am taking the next six months out to see how it goes with my husband, who is not living with me right now but is trying to reconcile, for most of the 23 years I was with him I always felt like the next drink would be what split us up, I lived from one crisis to the next, where we might break up for a day, or a month, then got back together with all the promises etc, then the next heartbreak.
I once asked him if he felt secure with me, he said yes he did and he knew I would never hurt him, leave him, that I was there completely for him, really loyal to him, he felt safe with me, I then told him that for me I dont have any of that, that for me I know that one day it will just be the next drink, which would be a drink too many, the drink that pushed him into some form of action that would make me leave for good.
So thats why I am now trying to build my faith and trust back up in him, if this doesnt work, I will feel I have wasted 23 years of my life, that I gave to him, but I will also know that i have already decided not to take one more lie, or hurt from him, so at least i have put in place my future, here in my home, where I will be safe, with no drink around me and I can rely on myself, yes, if we divorce there will be pain, but I will then have a future for once in my life that wont be revolved around lies, deciet, abuse, out with the old and in with the new, whether its on our own, or together, we are now in control loupiness!
Unfortunately, my sponsor couldn't be with me that day, but we prayed together before I walked into the courtroom and when I got back to my car. It gave me great strength.
Please come back and tell us all about it. I'll have a donut with you, in spirit
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
