The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had been very proud of how well I was working my program but I failed miserably the past few days! It was opening hunting season plus Ah took a week of vacation so I knew it would be alot of drinking and prepared to do my own thing. But instead of being happy that I had made plans (with my 11 year old grandaughter) while he was doing his thing he was very cruel and hateful. I let his words hurt and anger me and couldn't shake it until I finally exploded. I know I should have walked away, but I let my emotions get the better of me. I really wish I could find a sponser so maybe I could defuse my feelings before they get the best of me. I did apologize for yelling and the hurtful things I said, but was honest that I don't know if I can do this anymore. Its so hard, there's so much pain and the lonliness. So today he is trying his hardest to be sweet and charming and I really have had nothing to say. Of course he never apologizes for anything he does. But the tears I can't seem to control. I haven't hurt this much in a very long time. Where do I go from here?
This morning I was running for the bus and I slipped on a wet leaf and landed in a big puddle. Normally I would be full of fear, pain and self pity with such an action. I got right back up and ran on for the bus.
We get back up when we fall down. There is nothing wrong with falling down, we can just get back up and take care of ourselves. I will have bruises from the fall but it did not stop me in my tracks as it would have done in the past. There were years if something like that happened I'd be on a riff about it for ever!
I'm so glad you have this resource.
I also personally think that no matter what I am always trying to do my best. I can't be perfect every single day.
Active Alcoholics are incredibly wearing, exasperating and difficult to be around, learning how to boundary around them is not something that drops from the sky. For many of us (me included) it's a crash course every single day in setting boundaries, resetting them, adjusting them and always but always being on your own side, rather than berating yourself for not being perfect.
Awww don't be so hard on yourself we are works in progress, we slip and fall and then pick oursleves back up again and start over. Soon you will catch yourself faster and not get sucked into the A's drama and get yourself back on track If I had a nickel for everytime i slipped i'd be a rich woman for sure. Like jerry said Forgive yourself, forgive him and find a sponsor or call a person on the call list. Progress not perfection Blessings
The scales always seem unbalanced when dealing with the A.
For me life is a progression, if we make the choice of staying with the alcoholic , which is a choice, not a criticizm on my part. Hey I stayed 26 years! If we stay, we have to accept that there will be verbal poison coming from the A. Poison going in, poison coming out! We have to know that its coming from the disease. It doesnt make it any easier. Living and loving an A is a difficult path to choose.
I just didnt want to do it any longer. I wanted my life to be free from the effects of this disease. I have a strong program, Im connected with my HP and my life turned that corner. This program isnt about turning the other cheek. Its about freeing yourself, whether your with the A or not. Its also about finding solutions not about a life of austerity. I have to say, it is more difficult when you have your partner spewing out poison in your face. You either turn around and walk out of the room, or you keep on walking. You have to consider is the partner seeking sobriety. Is this what you want for the rest of your life if it doesnt seem to be changing and your making all the changes. Will you have regrets??
I find forgiving isnt so much about the other person, but more about myself. Even if we leave, we still have to leave without anger, we still have to make peace with ourselves.
The choice is always ours, you can make clear your boundaries, sit him down and make it clear, verbal abuse is unacceptable, you establish the consequence if your ready.
Keep coming back Sare, never abandon this program of Alanon.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 6th of December 2010 02:20:17 PM
Keep coming back to the program. Progress not perfection. Living with or without an A is more than most of us can bare. You acknowledged it and keep moving forward. It does get better.
You have received excellent suggestions and support I just wanted to add a HUG and say you came to MIP that was were you needed to be.
Taking care of ourselves is so very important and when we do so, since it is a change, the A partner may not like it. Their response may be negative, as you discovered but that does not mean we should give up your plan and revert back to old behavior.
I love Maresie example ( Mary I do hope you are OK) Forgive yourself for being human, examine your motives for taking actions and then continue to take care of you.
Meetings, sponser and telephone calling lists makes this all much easier.
Thank you all for your words of kindness and support. It means the world to me. I'm so glad I found MIP! You all give me strength that is so badly needed!! Thank You Everyone, Sarah
I was so thrilled when the first time I heard an old timer remind me I had the choice to respond if I elected to rather then react.
This lovely long timer gave me a wonderful way to deal with situations like you've described by saying.... "I'm sorry you feel that way, you may be right" talk about an argument stopper and a good place for me to exit the situation.
